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The holidays are quickly upon us.  My heart is broken.  I'm missing not only my sweet wife but Gracie and Noah so deeply.  Losing grandchildren is not the way life should go.  Losing a spouse isn't the way either so soon.  I don't want thanksgiving or Christmas to come.  I just don't.  My heart is broken.  💔😢

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I wish I could not think about the holidays, but it's impossible with th stores, TV and being around people.  I don't even have annyone close to me, family or friend, but others conversations are abundant and the people I talk to in my volunteering do.  The last 2 years I got into it a little, but this time I'm so tired of going thru this alone.  This is a situation that time is not helping.  Perhaps if I had some one in my life relate to it would help.  I'm already losing it because Steve's birthday is this coming Thursday.  Mine is at the end of the month.  Our anniversary is in January.  We can't stop the holidays, but it's a huge challenge how to handle it.

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It may help to spend Thanksgiving together with your son's family, even if your hearts aren't into it, just being together in your grief.  

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f?

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html 

 

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It hurts... so very badly.  💔😢

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This is going to be a freaking nightmare. After T-day with my brother we wd always do our own and an apple pie on the Sun after, congratulate ourselves on how good we did, and eat turkey for weeks every possible way. Then Susan was the cookie maker for all friends and family. I won't get to see the trays of cookies filling the kitchen or Susan bringing me a newly baked one with that radiant smile. I see her cookie making equipment in the cabinet, unused, and it hurts. Susan was also the Christmas decorator while I'd just help a little, always hanging the 🐼 ornament of course. I'll do a little myself but it won't help much.  Everything was so warm and sweet, now so cold...

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George was always in the throes of everything, he had so much zest for life!  He loved every holiday, every season, didn't want to miss any of it!  It has definitely lost most of its appeal with him gone but I still put up a tree and decorate in his honor, I invite him to sit with me and watch a Christmas movie, his stocking hung next to mine, his ornaments up on the tree.  I don't bake anymore because of my Diabetes and no one around to eat it and appreciate my efforts.  The dog loves looking at the tree so at least I'm not totally alone.  Holidays are hard for grievers, especially when they're alone.  

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My dogs don't notice that stuff anymore.  I stoped decorating years ago.  For me it hurts too much to see and no inspiration.  Taking things down was always sad, but we did it together.  Me emotionally and Steve like a task manager as he was so well organized.  I had gotten down to a 2 foot table tree and wondering if it will be weirder not having it or not.  This is a time I wish I didn't have memories of traditions.  They go back to Steve being the roof to do lights and full size trees with lots of presents.  Also Chinese meals out on the eve and day.  It just tears me up thinking about the decision this year and writing this.

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Dear Gwen!

What could I say after 6 long years alone?I know how you feel.I also have no family or children...I even have no animal,except my 70 plush toys looking at me from "my" bed that used to be "our" bed...I bring my little plush rat everywhere I go...I still feel the kisses of my beloved Jan on him...We always used to go everywhere together...me,Jan and rat Pepko with us...that´s why I couldn´t be without him anymore...The 11th of November was his anniversary that I spent at home...I even refused to go to work on the significant day...The moment belonged to my beloved Jan only...Though I feel him rarely here as time passes by,on that day he came...I felt him so strong as I had used to do before and I cried again...No matter how much time goes by,it always hurts so much...it´s harder all the more that it always comes unexpectedly,therefore it hurts even more at that moment...even though it lasted for a few minutes only,the pain was horrible...I was crying loud and couldn´t stop the tears at all...that´s what the pain does to me,although a few years have passed by...In the beginning of December it´s gonna be 11 years since we met for the 1st time...I remember how we went together to see the Christmas markets then...we ate ice cream and laughed like never ever before...It always puts a smile on my face,though it still hurts and always will...The memories are the tyrants,they come back and make us a torture sometimes...Therefore I stopped doing many things I had used to do earlier...It hurt too much...However there´re still the things I can´t be without and they make me smile...I do them every day and night,even after 6 years...No one can replace my beloved man Jan,but I don´t wanna swim in the lake of my tears all the time...I don´t wanna lose the common sense and my beloved Jan wouldn´t have wanted it as well...He never wanted to see me sad...His most radiant smile always took everything bad away...I had the best man in my life and I must go on somehow...I still don´t know how,but I try...we all on here try as much as possible...We´re the heroes who survived it all,and yet we still have so much to give to each other...love,comfort and support...that makes our present life more bearable and happier place to be...

This way I wanna thank to every one person who has helped me on here somehow by now...

5a0cc50420764_Thankyou2.jpg.d78e361669b2843b118ef4936f4d522e.jpg

With love Janka

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On ‎14‎.‎11‎.‎2017 at 2:20 AM, R.Everit55 said:

It hurts... so very badly.  💔😢

I´m so very sorry!

Hugs from Janka

5a0cce6f79a00_FromGod.jpg.307b9fdde2b69ae71bb521d83bf1c8f2.jpg

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Janka, it's so hard being a mere mortal.  If only we could be like the God quote and be stronger, braver and inexhaustible.   There are moments, but it's not a constant.  You took good care of yourself on the anniversary.  I was numb this year but it hit me the next day.  It's always interesting reading how each person reacts.  Steve's death and birth date were 10 days apart, that was a tough one.  Next week.is our Thanksgiving and my birthday within 2 days.  I'll miss him terribly.  The world here is full of families planning for that holiday and bring together.  Stuffed rat or my dogs, the one we want is glaringly missing.

For Janka and all of us.....🌺🌸🌷🌼💖

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I stoped decorating years ago.  For me it hurts too much to see and no inspiration.

We all have our own response for handling things, and the important thing is to listen to the inside of us and do what feels right for us.  I might have gone that way too had my kids not forced my hand that first Christmas, but now I do it for him.  There've been times I tried ignoring a day too, but that doesn't always work either.  Sigh...

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15 hours ago, Janka said:

I had the best man in my life and I must go on somehow...I still don´t know how,but I try...we all on here try as much as possible...We´re the heroes who survived it all

 

Yes, we all try very hard to go on.

My boyfriend was a Gift, with capital "G". I was given the best. But with some much time of this best being absent, I'm finding harder to remember how it was, how it felt. Maybe I'm so scared to remember and feel the deep pain of having it and loosing it. 

 

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I hit the lottery with Susan, and I knew it, but didn't know it as much as I do now! Every day brings a new realization of her wonderfulness, and the pain of the loss.

 

The days are short and dark
There will be no Christmas cookies this year
No shopping for chocolate chips
For flour and sugar
No Susan deploying her bowls and plastic sheet
The smell
The kitchen full of freshly baked delights
Her handing me one along with a huge smile

There won’t be a night when I notice
Susan unpacking the Christmas decorations
I was a Scrooge but miss that warmth so much
Would hang a decoration or two
PB always with the Panda ornament
We’d decorate the jade plant with little lights
And put our presents around it
Last year she knitted me a Panda
Her first attempt, was not quite right
We called him Panda Dog
Now he sits by the picture where I meditate
And try to call my Susan back to me
Like I tried while giving her CPR

This year the Sunday after Thanksgiving at Jack’s
We won’t cook our own Turkey
Doing everything together
Susan the aluminum foil expert
Covering the bird to perfection
The aromas
Collecting the juice for gravy
And apple pie with sparkling cider
But forgetting to dot the apples with butter
And having to open it up again
Congratulating ourselves
Then weeks of turkey
Dinners, sandwiches, in pasta, pot pies
Susan loved turkey  a la King
With green peas her favorite vegetable.

What will I do?
Cook a chicken for myself?
Arrange the lights for myself?
With memories launching waves of grief every step?
Do I want to be here at all?
The days are short and dark
There will be no Christmas cookies this year
 

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On 11/15/2017 at 6:27 PM, Janka said:

Dear Gwen!

What could I say after 6 long years alone?I know how you feel.I also have no family or children...I even have no animal,except my 70 plush toys looking at me from "my" bed that used to be "our" bed...I bring my little plush rat everywhere I go...I still feel the kisses of my beloved Jan on him...We always used to go everywhere together...me,Jan and rat Pepko with us...that´s why I couldn´t be without him anymore...The 11th of November was his anniversary that I spent at home...I even refused to go to work on the significant day...The moment belonged to my beloved Jan only...Though I feel him rarely here as time passes by,on that day he came...I felt him so strong as I had used to do before and I cried again...No matter how much time goes by,it always hurts so much...it´s harder all the more that it always comes unexpectedly,therefore it hurts even more at that moment...even though it lasted for a few minutes only,the pain was horrible...I was crying loud and couldn´t stop the tears at all...that´s what the pain does to me,although a few years have passed by...In the beginning of December it´s gonna be 11 years since we met for the 1st time...I remember how we went together to see the Christmas markets then...we ate ice cream and laughed like never ever before...It always puts a smile on my face,though it still hurts and always will...The memories are the tyrants,they come back and make us a torture sometimes...Therefore I stopped doing many things I had used to do earlier...It hurt too much...However there´re still the things I can´t be without and they make me smile...I do them every day and night,even after 6 years...No one can replace my beloved man Jan,but I don´t wanna swim in the lake of my tears all the time...I don´t wanna lose the common sense and my beloved Jan wouldn´t have wanted it as well...He never wanted to see me sad...His most radiant smile always took everything bad away...I had the best man in my life and I must go on somehow...I still don´t know how,but I try...we all on here try as much as possible...We´re the heroes who survived it all,and yet we still have so much to give to each other...love,comfort and support...that makes our present life more bearable and happier place to be...

This way I wanna thank to every one person who has helped me on here somehow by now...

5a0cc50420764_Thankyou2.jpg.d78e361669b2843b118ef4936f4d522e.jpg

With love Janka

Love to you Janka....six years isn't really very long in the big picture.  A lifetime won't be long enough for me.  I think it seems harder to bear the more time that passes since John has been gone; I miss him more not less.  I've read a book by Megan Devine called "It's okay that you're not okay."  It was helpful for me in the sense that I always have thought I should be doing better, hurting less after 2 1/2 years, but this book puts things in a better perspective, talking about it being a process of fashioning a life alongside your grief, because let's face it, we're never going to miss that special person less.  Fondly, Cookie

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On 11/16/2017 at 11:12 AM, TomPB said:

I hit the lottery with Susan, and I knew it, but didn't know it as much as I do now! Every day brings a new realization of her wonderfulness, and the pain of the loss.

 

The days are short and dark
There will be no Christmas cookies this year
No shopping for chocolate chips
For flour and sugar
No Susan deploying her bowls and plastic sheet
The smell
The kitchen full of freshly baked delights
Her handing me one along with a huge smile

There won’t be a night when I notice
Susan unpacking the Christmas decorations
I was a Scrooge but miss that warmth so much
Would hang a decoration or two
PB always with the Panda ornament
We’d decorate the jade plant with little lights
And put our presents around it
Last year she knitted me a Panda
Her first attempt, was not quite right
We called him Panda Dog
Now he sits by the picture where I meditate
And try to call my Susan back to me
Like I tried while giving her CPR

This year the Sunday after Thanksgiving at Jack’s
We won’t cook our own Turkey
Doing everything together
Susan the aluminum foil expert
Covering the bird to perfection
The aromas
Collecting the juice for gravy
And apple pie with sparkling cider
But forgetting to dot the apples with butter
And having to open it up again
Congratulating ourselves
Then weeks of turkey
Dinners, sandwiches, in pasta, pot pies
Susan loved turkey  a la King
With green peas her favorite vegetable.

What will I do?
Cook a chicken for myself?
Arrange the lights for myself?
With memories launching waves of grief every step?
Do I want to be here at all?
The days are short and dark
There will be no Christmas cookies this year
 

Tom PB:  What you wrote really hit home for me.  I feel the same, loss at every turn....hurts so much...holidays can be so brutal for people like us who have lost the most important person.  I'm just waiting for it to be over.  Hugs to you and everyone...Cookie

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I've mentioned before; Deedo loved Christmas; we had a year round Christmas room, her favorite room in the house.  Now I just try to make it from October 23, her birthday, to January 1 as quickly and as painlessly as possible.  This year will be a challenge as the students are getting excited and it just reminds me, several times a day.  The last two years I could just put on my boots and go ambling in the woods; pretend that every day was just another day.  It's amazing how quickly my favorite time of the year reversed itself to my most dreaded time of the year.

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HI everyone.. Yes, the Holidays are once again.. coming up too quickly. I have no motivation to roast a turkey. It was Kev's fave thing I made. He is not here to rave about it.. I won't get to see his eyes light up... he isn't here to carve it. I think I need a new tradition. I have been sick this week and have not gone to the store. I can't even say I want to- lol.. 

Everything everyone says and posts says it all... I love y'all... may we all get through these days the best we can. 

Just dropping in to say HI.. and yes, I am still here.. and no, I am not feeling any Holiday Spirit...

Sigh.. Big Hug.. let me go get something done. 

 

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I put my tree and decorations up yesterday. Normally I do so the day after Thanksgiving but this year I won't be home for Thanksgiving and I want to be able to relax Friday after driving so much today.  100% chance of rain today so not looking forward to the driving part, but I'm excited to get to see my grandchildren even if it is for a short while.  And my daughter and son and DIL!

I wasn't "feeling it" so debated on putting up the tree but I do so for George, to honor him, and always I invite him to come enjoy them with me.  He loved everything about the holidays, he had so much zest for life and didn't want to miss a thing!  I imagine him sitting next to me on the couch (making the cat move over) and taking it all in.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

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Holidays start today as the parade of "first without Susan" continues. I'll take the train to my brother's house, same train we always took. Being with my siblings & nieces and nephews is the best possible scenario but I'm still going to cry a lot. Then our routine - we were totally creatures of habit - was to cook our own small turkey on Sunday, a very warm and loving experience. I think being alone and not doing that will hurt more than anything today. Best wishes to all, Tom🐼

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My first Thanksgiving I struggled/choked through dinner, immediately excused myself under the excuse of really needing a nap, and then sobbed for an hour straight. Today, two years later I have the grandkids at the park thinking the whole time how sad t is they’ll never know the best Granma Watchie ever.  But the tears flow fewer and slower. 

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I went to bed crying and am still doing so.  I can't be the only person spending this day alone, but it sure feels like it.  The problem is I never have in my whole life til Steve left.  It was always family as a kid, friends as a young adult then us and friends til finally just us.  This is my 3rd.  I now wish it hadn't been a big deal.  Lots of people don't do anything.  But once you have and make those memories, you can't undo them.  Some people asked me to stop by for a visit.  I'll get a to go plate for later.  I'll hope I can pull off the chit chat.  I've discovered I do have one dubious purpose.  I am the reminder of what it could be like when they complain about discord or the hassle.  Or the wow, so glad we are not her.  It's not a role I ever wanted.  I know it's hard for those here to be among family missing thier mate too.  Being so alone is a real challenge to my sanity this year.  Many other things to emphasize I am on my own happened in the last 6 months.  I feel it finallly broke me this time.  I'm grateful I had Steve in my life.   Just haven't figured out how to have that make me feel better now.  How to be grateful for the thing that brings me the most pain.

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Spent the day in bed with the pup crying.  My bride should be here.  My grandchildren should be here.  My heart is utterly broken 💔

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Ohh so sorry.

I was doing OK till - you won't believe this. I had totally forgot that my nieces and nephews play a game in which they predict who will die in the next year, celebs, pols etc., and score their guesses from last year. Imagine me listening to them laughing about who died last year. Had to leave the group. The world has become one big minefield.

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14 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

Spent the day in bed with the pup crying.  My bride should be here.  My grandchildren should be here.  My heart is utterly broken 💔

I'm so sorry, Butch.  Did you not get together with your kids at all?  I know you are laid up, not sure if you have an automatic or can drive yet.  I wish you hadn't been alone.  Your losses are so recent, I know you're in a lot of pain.  :(

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