marsha

Mel - now, you rest. You made an amazing journey, one I couldn't have done, and what strength to have done it! "Now what?" is a question we all ask ourselves. Life used to be easier, now it seems we have to work to get through each day, and concentrate on it. The day to day advice still applies. Please just be gentle on yourself, and take it easy. hugs, marsha

Fred - a wonderful post, and you've clarified what I've been trying to struggle with for almost 11 months. Healing is like grieving - it's got to be done in baby steps. I've found I'm healing and grieving, all at the same time. I didn't realize this until I looked back to where I was, and to where I am. And I continue to take steps forward and back, in both. You are truly a dear man! Hugs, Marsha

Kath - we didn't have any plans, just a vague idea - sell the business in a couple of years, travel - no, actually there was a plan. Joe wanted to buy a truck, one we could travel in with a huge sleeper, and pick up loads here and there to make some money, but just for fun. He would teach me to drive, and we'd travel the country. I'm just happy he had 8 years to see his dream of our own business take off and succeed. Like Valley said, we constantly bounced ideas off each other. Now I bounce ideas off the wall. Except for getting his Harley, Joe pretty much got what he wanted. Now if I can just figure out what I want... Hugs, Marsha

Dear Lost - I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Gary. Like the other folks have said, in the beginning the raw grief is overwhelming. My husband and I ran a business together - when he was diagnosed with cancer, he could still work a little, but then not at all. During that time, then after he died on July 1, I was on autopilot. I hired more people to help me, and I sought advice from my accountant and lawyer. There was still that learning curve to do all the things he used to do. Take it one step at a time, and don't be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. I know it seems like you're in a dark tunnel, with no light to be seen. Coming here and posting my feelings, and getting support was, and is, crucial, in that I realized I was normal, and not crazy. Hugs, Marsha

Thank you, Deb and Valley - when I read your replies this morning it helped my heart to know you got it. After a busy day, I walked down to the beach and read for about an hour and a half, interspersed with just looking at the ocean. After living near the ocean all our married life, we must have gone to the beach a thousand times. It was strange - I could not sense Joe, but I almost felt if I looked to my left, he'd be sitting there. My mind wandered to all those times of watching him body surf; if it was really hot he would wring out his pony tail over my legs to cool me off. I feel like my grief has lodged itself in my very being. No, it's not as intense, but it still hurts so much. It's just deeper now. Valley - I've been gardening my behind off - I just made pesto from my out of control basil. It makes me feel good to pinch, and water, and watch something grow. hugs and peace, marsha (p.s. - I do love my business)

My friends - I haven't posted a lot recently, but I read every day. I'm at 10 1/2 months. The waves still hit - the last one several weeks ago was a surge of guilt - why? Because I wasn't superwoman, and I had to continue working. A lot of journaling with that - but that's just a smokescreen- I was guilty because I felt I abandoned Joe, not being with him 24-7. I know it's hindsight, and I also know if I had closed our business, we would have had zero income and we both would have been stressed. I also know being with him 24-7 would have resulted in one of us killing each other - he was a hard patient, and I would have driven him crazy. Oh, boy, this is just coming out... I've come to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and in my house - but the problem is, after working 70 hours a week, I don't want to leave my house! Especially on a weekend like this, when I see couples and families setting off to have fun, without a care. I know I'm being hard on myself, I just need some feed back that wanting to be alone is not abnormal. Hugs, Marsha

John , it's a beautiful tribute to Jack, and I'm very glad you shared it with us. You've given me an idea. And a heartfelt thankyou for sharing the thoughts of your journey. Hugs and Peace, Marsha

Valey - it sounded wonderful - I could picture the scene in my mind as you described it, and it was lovely. Kay, I'm sure yours will be equally so- can't wait to hear about it! Love, Marsha

Valley - i'm sure your party will be wonderful, as well. It took 9 months for me to remove Joe's sandals from the front door. I totally understand about Tom's stuff, and your feelings. All of Joe's clothes are in the second bedroom, and like Phyllis said, they're probably going to remain there until they fall into pieces. Our grief is so in circles - it's not from point a to b, but rather point a to b to z and back again. I hope the olives are for the martinis! Hugs, Marsha

ELHG - I just read through your blog, and I just have to say thank you for sharing such an intimate glimpse of your life, and your grief. Since my husband died, 10 1/2 months ago, I have been writing in a journal, which is at about 100 pages right now. I don't think I could post it in a blog, because there are too many "expletive deleted" words! When I'm angry, or torn, I curse, what can I say? Welcome to this forum - a sad welcome. Hugs, Marsha

Chai - if I'm reading you the way I see it, does it feel like you dishonoring your father by continuing to live your life? I think this is normal for all of us, no matter what the loss. It's strange, the first few months all I could remember was the sickness. Then I couldn't remember Joe's voice, our 24 years together, nothing. It made me very panicky - I couldn't figure out what was happening to me. But gradually, very gradually, I started remembering again. I looked at pictures, memories starting coming back. Just a couple of days ago, I remembered the silly things - I wrote them all down in my journal, they came tumbling out. You will never forget your father, he's close in your heart, no matter how much time passes. As close as we were to our loved ones, we are still individuals, here on this earth alone. With our own lives, and our own paths. As hard as it is to find that path - sometimes I feel like I'm reaching for it blindly, I have to believe that my time isn't here yet, and I've got to try. Hugs, Marsha

Boo - have a safe and wonderful trip; and tell us all about it when you get back! Loving thoughts going with you, girl - Marsha

Patti - I would like to chime in and say happy Mother's Day to all of the moms on this site. I know how hard it is to go through grieving by myself - I can't imagine how much strength it would take if I have children. I'm in awe of all of you! Big Hugs - Marsha

I'm adding crossed fingers and prayers, too, Mel - this was a very big step, and you should be proud of yourself. Hugs, Marsha

Valley - I've just got to add someting to your last post. Any friends who suggest that if you don't go out now, that invitations won't be extended in the future? No offense, but I took offense to that. This is not what you need to hear. I was fearful that if I didn't go out, and force myself back into the (social) land of the living, that people would totally forget about me, and that when I was ready, there would be no one there. I can say this is not the case. Yes, my address book is re-written, but those who love me, hug me, wait for me - they're still here, 10 1/2 months later. I still generally find comfort in my own home, as well. I'm out in the public 7 days a week, and that kind of fills in the social gaps. I can go out with close friends, who get it, an that's ok. My point is, I've found that I can't force it - if I do, it makes me feel worse. But that's just me! Hugs, Marsha

Kim - my friend, through this past year you've had more than most could handle. To reach out to your parents, irregardless of how they failed you in your time of need - that to me speaks of one exceptionally loving and strong woman. Of course your emotions are all over the place, how could they not be? Hugs, marsha

Karen - the paperwork will get done in good time. I've found the legal process is like a snail crawling - it took 6 months just to settle Joe's estate (and it was relatively simple). Do what you can, when you can. P.S., I find that playing in the dirt helps me, too. Hugs, Marsha

valley - thank you for posting, and a sad welcome here. I just got off the phone with Vicki (see previous post), and our conversation reminds me so much of what you are feeling. I had almost the same experience with cancer - Joe had no symptoms, until he took a routine physical - then all hell broke loose. Gone...5 months after diagnosis, on July 1, 2008. And the hell that's cancer I wouldn't wish on anyone. We had 24 years together - and ran (and I still run) a business together. I've lost my husband, my lover, my best friend, my business partner. As loving and supportive as family and friends can be, I've found that this is a journey that's internal, and introspective. And lonely. Because it's the small, intimate, silly things that I miss, that I can't share with anyone else, that belonged only to my husband and myself. You can share a bit of it here, what you want to share, because we're all walking this same path of grief. We're all in different situations, but I've found grief shared cuts out the bull-s--t. I hope you can find some comfort here - Hugs, Marsha

Happy Birthday, Wendy!! We're just getting better, like good wine, right? (LOL) - Best wishes, and I hope you have a great day - Love, Marsha

Carah - I'm sorry for your loss - and apologize for being so late in answering. The first thing I did was throw all Joe's medications, any memory of the sickness, into the dumpster, and I mean the day after he died - I hated looking at it. This is your timeline - only yours - and you need to do only what you can, when you can. I'm at 10 months, and Joe's glasses and earring were sitting on the kitchen counter for 6 months before I moved them. His sandals at the front door I moved upstairs last week. You are not dishonoring his memory by moving, or not moving, any of his things - in reality, this is about your feelings. And if your sleeplessness continues, I would suggest consulting your doctor for a mild sleeping pill. I take mine, not often, but you need your sleep right now. And BTW, I started a journal, but it was probably 2 months after Joe died that I could really gather my addled thoughts about me to start it. Just to let stuff out. Please keep posting - Hugs, Marsha

Karen - I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband - that time of hearing, waiting, and hoping must have felt like hell on earth. I am awed by your perspective, so early in your journey. I'm glad you could tell your story here. Like you, I'm reticent in my grief and I want my privacy - but I've found this forum to be a safe and supportive place where I could let out my emotions. A sad welcome, Hugs, Marsha

Kay - I just re-read my post and I wasn't sure what I was saying either! (LOL) I guess I just wanted to tread really carefully and not say anything that would upset you. It sound like you've peaked that emotional mountain and are coming down stronger on the other side. I think you've shown a remarkable amount of strength in doing so. That's what I wanted to say! I understand about realizing our own value. I know I tended to define myself by my marriage, my job, etc. Now I've tried to cut that loose and know I'm just defined as me. Love, Marsha

But know he's in your past world, Kay, even though your feelings are still so present. Are you upset because you aren't reacting the way you would have done before, because that same feeling isn't there? The memories of your love for John, and the good times you had with him are there in your heart - they're not going anywhere. But the present and the actual going-on-right-now, that's self preservation for you. I hope this doesn't come off as being too harsh - I don't know John, but I care for you. Love, Marsha

Boo - I think you were outstanding! In January, our (my??) employee had her baby, and I went to see her the next day. I so dreaded even going into the parking lot. I took a few deep, shuddering breaths and went in. Chris was in the room next to where Joe was that last weekend before he died. She plopped that baby into my arms, and I spent the next half hour with that sweet child and I just looking at each other. In my mind I said "look, Joe!" It was ok. Sometimes the anticipation of an emotional day is worse than the actual day itself. My advice is to do only what you feel and want to do on your birthday - whatever will make the day easier on your heart and soul. And yes, it would be really nice for all of us to be able to get together for a group hug. Big cyber hug - and peace, Marsha

Teny - congratulations! I'm so happy for you - Love, Marsha