marsha

Congratulations, Talia! I'm glad you let us know - now to take care of yourself. I'm looking forward to the pics - Hugs, Marsha

Teny - thank you, as always, for sharing your heart and your thoughts. For those of of us at a few months, a year, two years, it helps so much when friends like you tell it like it is. Because the not knowing what to expect can be a scary place. Enjoy your new granddaughter - she was a miracle! When my long time employee, Chris, brings in her 5 month old, when no one's looking I kiss his little feet, and just hold him. The support to you, here, equals the support you've given, my friend. Hugs, Marsha

Losing my identity, Boo? Oh, my - yes, especially in the first months. Jo, I had all these intentions of going away for a few weeks in January (when I close my deli) - went online, checked places out. Couldn't do it - couldn't leave my comfort zone. I was trying to do what I thought I SHOULD be doing, not what I wanted to do. This has been a big struggle for me. I try to let it flow (the grief processs, that is), and it does. But then I tend to try and resist it, beating myself up over it all the way. I journal incessantly, just getting the feelings out, getting the crap out, painful as it is. Bravery for you, Jo, is getting up every day, and you do it. Courage is living, moment to moment. And I would add, accept all the hugs you can. It's human to human contact, and it is healing. It's been a year, and the hugs that started out as comforting me, are now given freely, all the time. And HUGS to all of you, Marsha

Jo - my heart goes out to you. I'll add my prayers to those of the other wonderful folks that the answer will be "benign" tomorrow. Please come back for support, and let us know what the outcome is. Hugs and peace, Marsha

Kath - you're giving me goosebumps, too! Hugs, Marsha

G-d bless you, Kay. You have opened your heart and soul here, and I've listened and learned. Yes, you are a survivor - and one of the bravest women I've come across on this journey. Love you! Marsha

Please don't delete your account. The fact is, I read your post yesterday and it moved me so. Sometimes we need a little time to take it in before we respond. You know what my first thought was? What an amazing human being, not just to help a stranger in need, but to feel that emotional connection of human to human. Please don't feel guilty - you did everything in your power to help this young girl. She touched your heart; and I think I would be thinking back, and feeling the same as you. Hugs, Marsha

Mel and Valley - "what could I have done differently?" - that question has gone through my mind, oh, about a million times. And I have come to a conclusion - not a damn thing. Someone said to me, we all have an expiration date, from the time we're born, and I know in my heart it was Joe's time. And it was out of my control. Mel, those few months that Joe got sicker and sicker, the whole dynamic of our marriage changed. As I think I told Valley in a previous post, I hovered - I couldn't help but address the cancer in my head, and I was so frantic with worry and stress I thought I was going out of my mind. Trying to act normally on the outside, trying to share in Joe's hope for remission. My point to you is that while you're in the situation, there's nothing normal about it. It's only in hindsight that the guilt and pain surface. You did nothing wrong! You loved your husband, and tried to do the best for him. Hugs, Marsha

Sue and Laurie - I'm very sorry for your loss. The wisdom here is hard earned, and the words spoken are from those who have, and are, going through it, just like both of you. Grief is very personal to each of us, yet there are similarities that are shared by all. I'm glad you both found your way here to talk, and express how you're feeling. I can't add much that hasn't been said, except to try and live in the here and now, in the moment. Your focus right now is on yourselves, to get through each day. Hugs, Marsha

Wonderfully said, Sherry, and thank you. Over the past year, I, too, have come across widows and widowers in all stages; some I've known, but some came out of the woodwork. They've helped me, and I hope I've helped them. I've had friends fret about me being alone. Yes, I'm living by myself, but that's ok - and I get reinforcement that I'm being thought of, and loved, most times when I least expect it. It makes me feel - blessed? Even in the darkest moments of my grief, I hold on to that, and to G-d, most of all. My year's anniversary this week has put me in a state of non-motivation, and feeling emotionally drained. But I went to the beach today, watched the unending waves, and met up with friends for a long talk. I'm glad you shared your thoughts today - Hugs, Marsha

Deb - you are SO a part of this family! As far as feeling as your posts are not pleasant - well, to my thinking, this is a grief site, not a self help site, and I always want to hear what you have to say. I think you stated your personal journey so well; it helps me to bring my own into perspective. We learn from each other, and we help each other the best that we can. With the gentle guidance of our sweet Marty, of course! Hugs, Marsha

I agree with Kathy, Kay - please don't ever "shut up" - you have given me sanity in those days I thought I would totally lose it. Hugs, Marsha

So, my friends, it was a year on Wednesday. It struck me, after responding to Suzanne, that I haven't posted a thread in a long time. I feel like I don't have anything to say. But I'm still feeling my loss, I'm still needing support, I still come here every day to read. I've had an up and down week, emotionally. I've come to the conclusion that I'm putting myself on a timeline - something I promised to myself I wouldn't do. But I'm doing it, and the emotional fallout follows. I think I want to be so out of this I'm pushing myself too hard. Patience was never one of my virtues! I know I've done a lot in the past year. I'm thankful for what I have, the support I've been given, the love I had, and the love I can now give meanfully to friends and family. So what's up? Why do I feel like I need to "be" in a certain place, when I've never gone through this before? And why, why, am I beating myself up about it? I swear, I'm my own worst enemy - Hugs, Marsha

Suzanne - I just went back and read all of your past posts. My heart aches for you, and for Deb - and for all of us, for that matter. I see that a lot of us tend to wind down on posting, as we get onto a year, 2 years, and more. For myself, I don't even know what to write anymore - but I should! I should, because my feelings, doubts and fears are still here. You know you have people here who understand, are non judging, and can give support. Please do continue to post - as will I - Hugs, Marsha

Deb - I don't have the answer to this. I do know when I think about dying, I don't want to do it yet, as much as I thought about it for months after Joe died. Not that I have any choice in the matter, but you know what I mean. I guess we, as individuals, keep going on. I agree with Kim - we love you here, you've made a difference. Love and Hugs, Marsha

Hugs to you, Jeanne - I'm glad the happy memories surfaced, and that you were able to share them with friends and family. I find I'm able to do that as well, and it helps my heart when my friends can speak of Joe so easily, and with joy along with the sadness. I'm wishing you peace and happiness! Marsha

Phyllis - don't be surprised at your reaction - I'm the same way. Our perspectives have changed. Hugs, Marsha

I've spent a lot of nights going way back, and reading everyone's posts. I've only been on this forum 8 months, but I feel like I know you all. Even at just a year, I know what you're saying, about not knowing what to say, or what to contribute. I find myself reading more, and responding infrequently. Yet I still need support. I'm just not quite sure how to phrase it. For myself, I also would so appreciate and welcome your comments, your views - whether at 1 year, 3 years, 5 years or 10 years, it changes. Jeanne and Mike - my fellow timeline friends - my thoughts are with you both - I'm so glad to hear that you're both doing ok, and it's good to hear from you. Peace to all of us traveling this journey. Thank you, Kay! Hugs, Marsha

Chai - I think Boo said it beautifully. I think honoring our loved ones can be a day in, day out process. My dad is gone 12 years, my mom 8, and my husband almost one year. I feel all of them inside of me. All the things my parents taught me are here. Everything my husband and I shared is also here, in my heart. Over the months I've taken their strength, the best of who they were, and tried to incorporate that in my life now. When I go to the beach, and watch the waves, and the pelicans, I can see it through my eyes, and Joe's as well. When you take a hike, and can appreciate the beauty of nature, you're doing it for yourself, and for your father. The way I see it, you've been honoring your dad every time you post here. Your open heart and willingness to share your personal experiences show a core of strength, and quest for understanding, that's unusual for most people, not to mention one of your age. Hugs, Marsha

Kay - what wonderful memories of George! Reading your post, I felt as if I knew that special man. I'm sorry I haven't posted earlier, I've been reading every day, but as my year approaches, I find myself a bit tongue tied. I guess all this crap we go through is life, but a little break once in a while would be nice, right? Love and hugs, Marsha

Happy Birthday, Kim! I hope you can feel the HUG coming to you from NC. I know you miss your Dan so much. I'm wishing you a peaceful day - love, Marsha

Kathy - I could feel your words in my heart as I read them. For me, although I try, words simply can't express what this last 11 months have been. I had a dream similar to yours, in that Joe was lying next to me - I swear it was real; like you, it sent me into a tailspin. Please forgive me for being crude, but the one question that popped into my brain very frequently in the first 6 months or so, and even now, occasionally, was "what's the f---king point?" What am I doing this for? Why? Not finding an answer, I just congratulated myself for getting up every day and doing what I had to do, whether I wanted to or not. Yes, it changes. I know now that the grief waves will come, it's just a matter of when. But there are also many times I find myself atop the mountain, rather than in the valley. From the great folks here, I realize that this is "normal", and I try just to let it come, cry and scream if I have to, then let it go. The roller coaster analogy is apt. A memory that comes back to me frequently is of my mother. She was home from the hospital only 3 weeks after her 2nd brain tumor operation when my father died of a massive stroke. I remember her withdrawing into herself, gathering strength. I remember watching her face, and I remember her inner strength. She's gone 8 years now, but a lot of the "strength" I have, I have from her. Please be gentle on yourself, Kathy - not that I'm one to give advice, there are so many more folks here who are 2, 3, and more years into this. But I understand what you're saying. Hugs, Marsha

I got it, Marty - it's pretty funny. I haven't used mine yet, but it's been pretty tempting on several occasions. No, I take that back. I use it all the time on telemarketers who ask for Joe. It shuts them up pretty quickly. Thanks for sharing!

boo - i found myself nodding, yes, while reading kathy, wendy, and jeanne's posts. when i was at 5 months, i was asking myself the same questions as you. the first few months i was in survival mode - at work and at home. i'm functioning pretty ok, and i've done a lot to make my own routine as comfortable and personal as i can, and a lot of it involved conscious decisions to let go of what joe would have done. in a way this was part of the light at the end of the tunnel, in that i've come to recognize myself again, even though it's a work in progress! my grief has set itself deep inside my heart. it's like there's a movie reel, always running, in the back of my head. i don't speak of it as much, i just don't know what to say except i'm still hurting, but am still seeing a therapist (invaluable), journaling, and continuing to come to this wonderful and safe forum. like jeanne said, i just hope as the inner wound heals, it will get better. hugs and peace!! love, marsha

Deb - Yet another of life's stages to go through, whether we like it or not - you've been such a comfort here, such a friend - I wish I could wave a magic wand and help. I don't know the circumstances of what you owe on the house, but would it be an option to put it on the market and downsize to something more affordable? I have to say, being alone is not the worst thing. At first it was pretty horrible, but I've come to find my home a place where I can just be me. Even though I do talk to myself. Please continue to monitor your health; we love and care for you here. Hugs, Marsha