marsha

Kay - I just downloaded your pictures - and I have to agree with Talia. You were beautiful 10 years ago, and you're beautiful now. You're being very hard on yourself. I looked at a picture of myself taken some years ago also, but irregardless of what I've gone through, I can't deny that the 43 year old looks a lot different than the 53 year old! I just look like my scrawny self has lived a life. Nothing a good massage and facial can't help! Love you, Marsha

Kay - when you find out the answers, please let me know! Sometimes I have a vision of myself caught in a tornado's wind, just spiralling around and around. I know I'm not the same person I was - but there are also times I know I've learned--things. For me, the original control freak - I've learned to let some of that go, because I've realized I simply don't have control. To me - you are a beautiful soul. The heck with the mirror! Hugs, Marsha

Dear Kay - I don't think it matters what "everyone" says - your feelings are your feelings, and you are well entitled to them. This is still a grieving process for you, except there is a betrayal added to the mix. I hope that one day you can hear the birds singing, and watch the hummingbirds feed, and hear and enjoy them in your own soul, without this hurtful feeling. Hugs and peace to you, my friend, Marsha

Rachel - I don't come often to this board, but I was glad I did when I saw your beautiful poem. I think I put my mom's death, 8 years ago, deep inside, but it came out later as well. Thank you for this! Marsha

Kath - girl, you must be good at what you do! My therapist says that anxiety is just the other flip side of excitement (or something like that!) If you do accept this job, I don't see it at all as going after "material things" - it's a financial prospect that would be a positive thing. But only you can make this decision in your heart to change jobs or not. I have no doubt you'll make the decision that will be best for you. You know I'm rooting for you, whatever you do. Love, Marsha

Oh, Teny, when I saw the heading on your post my heart sank for you. You are in my prayers, and I pray that G-d holds you and your family closely during this devastating time. Hugs, and peace, Marsha

Very late birthday wishes, Teny! - peace and hugs, Marsha

Chai - I understand what you're saying. Guilt - thinking back to what should I have done. Or should have done differently. It's hindsight, now - now we have the time to think about it. Then, we did what thought was best. For me, I had to run our business. Should I have closed it and spent 24/7 with Joe? But we would have had no income. I know it sounds cold, but I still had to make money for us to live, while caregiving for him as best as I could. I think if you would have asked your father what he would have wanted, he would have said, continue school - continue your life. Our loved ones had their own path to take - we took their pain alongside them as much as we could. If only our love could change things! But no matter what you did, or didn't do, and for myself as well, we couldn't have changed anything. Your father knew that you loved him totally. Try to journal and get out your feelings on paper as a catharsis. P.S. we're all human, we hoped for the best and didn't anticipate the worst - Peace, Marsha

Frog - A sad welcome. I'm on the same timeline as you, a little over 9 months. In that some things have gotten easier, routine wise, it's still extremely hard. I've found that posting and reading on this site, with all these wonderful people, have made my journey a little easier. Marsha

Kim - my heart goes out to you so much - you've had more on your plate that anyone, and I've been hoping and praying for you. I don't know what to say about suicide. I know the thought has crossed all of our widow minds at one point or another, but it's a reaction to our grief. A friend came in the other day and said that one of his friends committed suicide, also - but he had just spoken to him the day before and he was talking about coming down to the beach and going fishing. What really goes on in our minds? A lot that we don't share with others, I guess. And what anger and questions and guilt are left behind.. You're in my prayers, Kim - Love, Marsha

Phyllis - that ain't gonna happen - you're not in the same place, whether people understand it or not. I'm running the deli that Joe and I opened 8 years ago, and I've got to be "nice". Most of the time, I can do it, because I've been dealing with the same folks and they know where I'm at. Sometimes, though, I have to hand it over to my girls, because I feel like jumping over the counter like one of those guys on WWF (?). Then I go out back and have a ciggie. My "face" is getting better, but I have my moments. I totally understand. Hugs, Marsha

Daid's girl- Yeah, the grief diet. Your boss sounds like a complete a--hole, sorry, but he does. I saw my ex boss and his wife ( who I think is secretly anorexic!) in the local hardware store a couple of months ago, and she said, You look great! I went down to 106 pounds, at 5' 8" - trust me, I didn't look "great". What was she thinking? What is your boss thinking? What the hell is wrong with people? The only thing I can think is that they've never gone through any kind of loss in their lives. Peace be to them when they do. I agree with Kathy on the smacking him upside his head! (At least you can fantisize about it!) Hugs, Marsha

Thank you, Derek, for posting this reflection of your journey. You always have words of wisdom, hard earned, I have no doubt. Hearing these words helps me, at just over 9 months, to realize that things will change, hopefully for the better. You and Carson are in my prayers today. Hugs, Marsha

Kim - you've had your share of stuff recently - my prayers for wonderful memories of your Dan. If I went through just half of what you have, I'd be in the corner in the fetal position - you are a wonderful and strong and caring woman. Peace today, Marsha

Boo - I just read your blog, and I got goosebumps. It was like I was with you in the hospital room. It was similar for me, except Joe was not conscious. But I knew he could hear. I said a very similar thing to him when I knew it was so close, even though it almost killed me to say it. He took his last breath not 5 minutes later. Your blog touched my heart - this is a brave thing you're doing. Peace, Marsha

Mel - every day I make a list of things I have to do - eventually. The first months, I wrote "get out of bed", at the top of the list. I'm not kidding, either. Been there, and still there, to a certain extent! A slow routine, over and over, of even the smallest things, will begin to emerge. Big Hugs! Marsha

Lily - Two sides - you think your posts are depressing, I find them so enlightening I've printed them out to keep. I honor you for opening your heart and soul here. Your posts have made me cry, and think. "I miss the man I loved and who loved me, that's it in a nutshell". I think I wrote those exact words in my journal. As far as "G-d has a purpose for you"? Sounds like one of those platitudes that people love to spout out. So what the hell do they know, exactly? Do they have a pipeline to heaven?? Keep on keeping on, right? Peace, Marsha

Deb - sex? what's that?? just had to add that one! Hugs, Marsha

Kim, you have my prayers for both your emotional and physical well being. Please keep us posted! Love, marsha

Jeanne - wishing you happy memories of Alex today. I know it's so emotional for you. I'm thinking of you today as well - Love, Marsha

Boo - Do I detect a little sense of humor lurking in your post? Good for you - I had a good one very soon after Joe died. One of our customers (we own a deli, or should I say I??) came in and asked where Joe was. I told her, and she looked at me and said, "I know just how you feel - I had to put my dog down." I was speechless, and I'm never speechless. I have to say, I haven't gotten any comments about going out and dating again. Maybe they think I'm too old (53) LOL!! I've lost both my parents as well, along with my sister in law and mother and father in law. Sometimes I feel like I'm the last one standing! As far as inane comments, I've gotten quite good at giving "the look". As in, please shut up and go away. Hugs, Marsha

I agree with the rest of these wonderful folks, but would like to add that you need to do whatever you want. If that means not sleeping in your bed, that's ok. If you need to cry, that's ok, too. I had to go back work 2 days after Joe died; I was probably on autopilot during the day, then I would come home and lose it. I got lots of "advice", too, and only now, looking back, do I realize that I felt so lost I was listening to everybody. We (all of us on this site) had never been through this before - no guidelines, no boundaries, what to do? I did a lot of reading, sought counseling, started a journal and poured my heart out. It helped, very gradually, though. The only thing you need to do right now is be gentle on yourself - treat yourself like you have a wound that's going to have to heal, and that's exactly what it is, except it's on the inside. And, please, come here and talk. Peace, Marsha

Jackie - I just wanted to say that you're not in this alone, grieving for your Lawrence, or in this gosh awful economic situation. I'm glad you're taking it easy on yourself today. This new normal sucks, doesn't it? I guess I could come up with a better word for it, but that about says it! You're in my prayers today, my friend. Peace, Marsha

I have to chime in here to what Deb said. One of the hardest things I'm learning is not to compare myself to anyone else. Although we share this hard road, it forks at different times for all of us, and all of us move at a different pace. I have to keep telling myself that. At 8 1/2 months, my big goal is figuring out how to use my grill this summer! The peace and acceptance that Ann talks about still eludes me, but I can see glimmers of it. It's such a slow process that can't be hurried - I know, I've tried it, and it doesn't work. Sometimes when I read all of your posts, I guess I put myself in your places; dependent on my mood, either I totally empathize,or sometimes I compare myself and come up short. I know this sounds totally out there, but I'm (and all of us) going through something I've never gone through before - there are no guidelines. I do feel better, but definitely not normal, at least who I was. And it can be scary to face the new normal. But I find that what gives me a measure of peace is accepting that whatever I feel is ok. At least I keep telling myself that! Marsha

Two days before he died, my husband "saw" his mom (dead 20 years) and sister (10 years). He said, "mom said I wasn't going to leave the hospital". Goose bump time. I really believe he saw them. It was eerie, unsettling, and mind boggling to watch my Joe start to enter another realm. I think all of our loved ones are out "there". Hugs, Marsha