marsha

Amy - there's no manual for this. All we can do is feel what we feel, and maybe try to express it in some way - writing, posting, talking. As I have gotten advice from those further on, I'll pass on what I know to you. In the beginning, it's all you can do to make it through the next hour, but that's all you need to do. It's not a bad way to live life, just being in the moment, but it's crucial when you're feeling so overwhelmed with loss. My heart goes out to you - please try to be gentle on yourself; we're here for support. Hugs, Marsha

Thank you, Boo - everytime I read words from the heart of a widow/widower, I'm again thankful that others can express what's in my heart, that I was struggling to explain. "We look death in the face every day and we find a way to choose hope" - Hugs, Marsha

Deborah - I don't know that grieving is ever sane, in any way. You have always laid it on the line, and your posts, and thoughts always resonate with me. My heart is with you today - Hugs and peace, Marsha

Linda - my stepdaughter gently kidded me about writing a book (my journal is 160 pages, as of today). I said if the editors have to remove the curse words, it's down to about 80 pages. It's good that you're writing - we have to use every means we can to reach out, find support where we can, to try and understand. It doesn't change what has happened, but at least we can put a focus on what we're feeling. I don't know if I'm even explaining myself - I remember feeling as if no one on this earth knew what I was going through. When I found this forum, I spent hours going over past posts, crying along with some and even laughing with others. Just to know that what I was feeling wasn't abnormal was a huge relief. We all walk this path with you - Hugs, marsha

Linda - in the beginning, I was begging for a vacation from my brain. You're doing just what you need to be doing right now. You're a wonderful writer, have you thought of starting a personal journal? I've honestly found that typing every thought, no matter how inconsequential, helps to release the boiling pot of emotions. Peace and Hugs, Marsha

Debbie - isn't it amazing how music means so much more now? Hugs, Marsha

Korina - a friend sent this very poem to me a couple of months ago, and it really spoke to me. I've found that, for me, one of the nasty side effects of grieving is comparing where we are, to where everybody else is. I guess it's innate in humans, but it made a bad situation worse. Like I'm not abiding by the widow's manual, or something. I mean, were we, any of us, alike before our spouses died? Of course not - we're individuals. And we're individuals in our grief as well. It's just that this is a hard and sad journey that cries out for support from others, like a life raft. It's good to re-affirm to ourselves that we're doing the best that we can. Hugs, Marsha

Thank you for sharing this poem, Kat - as for me, I find that I have more questions than answers. I need to accept that I simply can't know everything. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around, though. Hugs, Marsha

Boo - do you mean when the aliens take over my body? Sorry, just had to say that! When I used to have PMS, that's how it felt in "normal" times. Like Kathy, I had a hysterectomy 10 years ago, so PMS isn't an issue. The hot flashes, though... I find that a full moon definitely affects me. I can't sleep, and my mind tends to go into a different mode. Panic mode, grumpy mode, grief mode - pick one. Hugs, Marsha

Peace to you, today, Lucia - I hope love and good memories surround you - Hugs, Marsha

Steely - Kath beat me to it; I was going to say the same thing. I remember very well those days of utter despair. I still get those moments, but the difference is at least I know what's hitting me when it hits me. I went through the early days literally a minute at a time. That was all I could do to see myself through to the end of the day. What helps also is to talk, scream and cry out your emotions, either here, in a personal journal, or to a therapist. It won't change what's happened, no, but it does help. Hugs and peace, Marsha

Mary Linda - yes, you have been a source of comfort and strength to me as well over the past year - I'm sorry that there are family members who simply don't get it. Depression and grief are two so different things, and it's hard for those who haven't been through it to accept it, or understand it. I'm sending you a cyber ((hug)), and although I know it's not the same as the real thing, the feelings behind it are. Hugs, Marsha

Thank you, Walt - I honor all those who have died serving this country, for us. I honor my Joe (Navy, Vietnam era), my father in law (WWII), and my nephew (Iraq) - Hugs, Marsha

Rochel - a heart wrenching day for you, I know. When I had Joe's memorial, 3 months after he died, I couldn't spread all of his ashes, just some, in the ocean, at which point I was tempted to jump in myself. The bulk are still here on my mantle. On the one year anniversary, his kids (in California) and me, (in NC), spread more of his ashes in the Pacific and Atlantic. Joe loved the ocean, so I figure there's an arm there and a leg here (sorry, gallows humor). But I know when I walk the beach, I look out and can almost see him out there, in the waves. Hugs and peace, Marsha

Linda - weekends are harder, most definitely, because it was generally the time that we spent with our SO's. Joe died on a Tuesday - right before July 4th weekend. I remember working on the Saturday after, and after closing, just sitting there, not knowing what the heck to do with myself. Normally he would have been waiting for me on the beach, and we'd sit and watch the waves - I would read, and he would nap. It was the most G-d awful feeling to feel that void - the wrenching feeling of loss was indescribable. You're doing what you need to be doing right now, and if screaming, yelling, crying, posting, help, do it. My heart goes out to you! Hugs, Marsha

Linda - I remember a comment someone made to me when I was only a few weeks out. I was working in my deli, and an older woman came in, a widow herself - we were the only two in the store. She said when she heard the news, she thought of me every time she passed by, but this time she wanted to come in and talk. She said "you're like a raw wound right now - it will have to heal from the inside out, and it will take time". I've remembered that. Think of this: if you had suffered a physical injury, you would give yourself the time you needed to heal. This is no different, worse, but no different. At 16 months, I try to cut myself a break, allow the feelings to flow through me and not fight them. I hope this helps a little bit - Hugs, Marsha

Mary Lou - after my father died, my mom decided to not only prepay her funeral, but she also had a list of people to call after she was gone. A very organized woman, my mom! Good thing I've inherited some of those traits! There's nothing wrong with thinking what you're thinking - I have friends who don't even have a will, and they're in their 50's/60's. Putting one's head in the sand isn't going to make the inevitable go away. Hugs, Marsha

My Joe gave of himself, to me, completely. And thereby taught me to do the same. Our marriage was one of growing together, as husband and wife, and as human beings. Now that he's gone, I see more and more what I learned - inner strength, to keep going. He worked hard, played hard (we could always be kids with each other), and died the same way he lived - not giving up. I love and miss him. Hugs, Marsha

I beg to disagree, Kay - when you posted your pictures many months ago, I looked at the "now" photo, and my first thought was - she's beautiful. And I'm not just being nice. Just had to add that - Hugs, Marsha

Nothing's carved in stone, Sherry. I think it's a wonderful idea! It's the first step towards the new that's so difficult, I guess, and I admire you for taking that step. Hugs, Marsha

Korina - it just reinforced my feeling that the face we show to the outside world, and the one within, are like 2 sides of a coin. I ran into my ex boss and his wife when I was about 4-5 months out. She told me how great I looked. Let me just say that I had lost 20 pounds - I was essentially the same weight as when I was 13 - and I'm 53. I looked scary, not good, and I just thought to myself, "what planet are you on??" I'm not sure what the correct response should be, because I'm not sure what this comment really means. I think it may mean that these folks are secretly thinking, thank G-d she's not crying, I'll say something to make her feel good. Whatever. Hugs, Marsha

Teny - trust me, you express your feelings very well in English! It's hard when society thinks our pain should end at a certain point - like poof! It's over! I think we all know how very different it is from that preconception. Your grandson sounds so sweet and insightful - I'm not sure, but I think he may get some of that from you. Hugs, Marsha

Hi Kim! It's good to hear from you - we keep keeping on, right? I know your plate has been overflowing the past 2 years - I, too, hope your daughter's tests come out negative. Hugs, Marsha

Mary Linda - to feel like you did, and then go out by yourself? I'm proud of you. I, too, had a bad day yesterday. Today I'm going back to the baby steps as well. Day to day is not just for the early days, is it? hugs, marsha

Korina - try reading the articles Marty posted - gives one something to think about. Hugs, Marsha