Boo Mayhew

Korina, guilt is such a big part of grieving ... at least it was for me, especially during the first six months. It then started to leave me thankfully. I was very good at beating myself up about lots of different things, and today I still slip into that behaviour, but not so often, and I am better now at telling myself off ... telling myself to analyze and look at things objectively. What really helped me at the time was this. I would assign my guilt into justifiable and non-justifiable guilt piles in my own mind ... and I found that over the six months, I managed to eventually put everything in the non-justifiable pile :-) Guilt was definitely my worst demon and if you are interested, please click here to read my blog entry about it: http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/04/worst-demon.html I know that I too would have really beaten myself up over the fact that he might have felt abandoned by me, in your situation. As you say, on an intellectual level, you know you did the right thing, and that he was in the right place. That said, you will also know that even though you know this is the answer rationally, on an emotional level, you still need to accept it. For some reason, berating ourselves is something that we just have to do. It's all part of having the time stolen from us ... time that we could have had when times were better or whatever it may be ... regrets that we didn't have time to do something else or say to them. Someone told me that hearing is the last sense to go when we die, and that is why we should always speak to people, even if they are unconscious or even in a coma. I know beyond doubt that Cliff could hear me in his final hours, and I am sure that Scott could hear you too. Alcoholism is dreadful and extremely hard to beat, which is testament to how very much Scott loved you, because to make the step that he did, to seek help and go into treatment, must have taken every ounce of his will power and his love for you enabled him to do that. Hold onto that. You must have been a wonderful wife to him if he made that step, because he did it for both of you and your little girl. Hold onto that too please. Yes, Scott would be proud of your little girl, but please believe me when I say that he'd be proud of you too ... you are being a good Mom despite going through this enormous devastating loss ... you are ensuring that she attends her checkups and doing all the other chores too. I'm proud of you too. xx

Kimi I really hope that you are not alone today and I know that it will be extremely tough on you. I actually managed to sleep through our wedding anniversary ... yes, for a solid 24 hours, so that worked for me. Do whatever you need to do today to get through it ... if you do nothing other than cry, that's ok too. It's at times like these, that I wish we all lived in the same area so that we could all meet up and raise our glasses with you and give you lots of hugs when you need them most. As Kim said, the "firsts" ARE hard ... as are any anniversary dates ... and of course your wedding anniversary is so special to you both as a couple, that it will make it very painful for you. Marty has written a really good article on how to commemorate/celebrate anniversaries and special dates. Here is the link: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/grie...tines_day.shtml I really like the idea about the balloons and was going to do that, but as I slept for the whole day I didn't. HUGS xx

Starkiss I am thinking of you and hope that you pull on your inner strength to get through this week.

Korina it was awful coming home in the early days without him, I remember that my front door symbolized pain to me in the first 2 - 3 months ... and then it changed ... the same front door then symbolized relief/release (I knew once I got through the door, I could let it out, let it go, howl, sob, shout, scream or whatever). Having already accepted on a rational level that he had died, I still sat on his sofa for six months, essentially waiting for him to come home. It was on the 6 month anniversary/mark, that I finally grasped it on an emotional level. Looking back over the past 7 months, I think I "accepted" that Cliff had died on different levels at different times. Rationally, emotionally, etc. For example last Thursday and Friday, it REALLY hit me that he is not here to protect me anymore. So it was tantamount to accepting that that facet of our relationship is also gone, with him, and I have to grieve for that loss too. Another level of acceptance really. Please don't hold back the tears ... although it's hard to believe, you will feel worse if you do. We are here for you, and will hold your hand xxx

Shelley, my heart goes out to you, because when my second-cousin "went public" about her father, it literally divided our family (temporarily) over whether they believed her or her father. My father literally vomited with shock and didn't sleep for 3 nights in a row because he was so so distraught and upset (he had been friends with her dad as well as being related through her dad marrying my dad's cousin - they were similar ages) and also had the guilt that he had let me sleep at their home when I was a young teen ... I was mercifully never a victim. To be honest with you, it happened to you, therefore you are the #1 priority and you are the one who is suffering. You cannot control who believes you in your family ... it is not your responsibility either, it is their choice alone whether to accept/believe this has happened ... although I know that it will be so incredibly important to you that you are heard and believed by your sibling(s). If I put myself in your sister's shoes, and I genuinely had no inkling that this had ever happened (to me or anyone else) at the hands of your father, and I had experienced nothing other than a normal loving relationship with him, then I know that I would be outraged too, and disbelieving. I really don't know what you can do other than carry on with your counselling. Perhaps your counsellor can suggest how to talk with your sister about it? Hang in there x

Hi Starkiss I have had a lot of trouble sleeping since I lost Cliff. But I also have spells of sleeping too much, and can sleep till really late at the weekends. I think it goes with the territory! Why oh why is it that the grieving, who are beyond tired, are deprived of sleep? I tried sleeping tablets and they didn't suit me, so now if I can't sleep, I have a diazepam (only 2 mg) that I used to use for flying and that settles me enough so that I can fall asleep. If your lack of sleep is affecting your ability to work, I'd urge you to speak to your doctor as he may be able to help you. It's Friday, so at least you'll be able to have a couple of cat-naps over the weekend :-) take care xx

Joanna I too am so glad you have found your way back here ... I have thought about you often and wondered how you are doing. Still got that Harley? xx

Starkiss and Em I think it is perfectly natural to feel alone and insecure when you lose a parent(s). I know I did at the time. All I can tell you is that one day you WILL know that you can stand on your own two feet, and one day, even though you will still absolutely love them with all your heart, you won't miss them in the same way that you do today. S - can you think about house-sharing with someone from work, or one of your friends? Hugs to you both xx

Hoyt, what a beautiful poem. Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry to hear that you too have lost your wife and after 40 years. I can remember my Dad's pain after losing my Mom and they had been married for 43 years.

awww Starkiss, your post tugged on my heartstrings. You are such a kind, caring, loving person that I don't believe for an instant that you will be left alone in your old age. You will always have friends. If you change jobs, you will meet new ones too. And if you change neighborhood. And if you take up a new hobby and a night class. Now that I am 45 I have a handful of very close friends and then other friends who I rarely see due to the thousands of miles that separate us, work friends, etc etc ... my point is though, you only need two or three really good loyal friends, and you are lucky to have found each other :-) It sounds as if you have those two or three friends, the ones that count. I don't know how old you are, but my really close friends are the ones who have travelled the past three decades with me. We look at each other sometimes and say, "when did we turn into our mothers? when did that happen?" We tease each other about things going back to when we were 17. We supported each other through relationships that went awry ... we held each other when parents, grandparents, and others died. They hold me now. I wonder if all the recent focus on your parent's ashes has led you to think about this, or because the end of August is looming over the horizon? And I know how much you miss your Mom, which in itself can make you feel so lonely and scared, because I too had a lovely Mom and losing her at the age of 29, suddenly to a stroke, was horrendous. I know how close Moms can be to us, and how they always love us no matter what ... and how they are always there for us, until one day ... they are not. My heart goes out to you xx

Joanne, I wondered if that was you, when I saw your name on the Board yesterday. I even clicked on your member profile to see if it was you ... but you hadn't filled it out yet ... and here you are. Of course I remember you! I still have my stash of Cliff's unwashed laundry too :-) I know what you mean about dreams ... some have been so vivid, yet, apart from once, even when he is in my dream, I have been aware that he is gone. Even so, it is lovely to see him, hear him. Sorry about Denny's family doing that, death seems to bring out the best in some people and the worst in others. It certainly gives us clarity on what their priorities are!! LOL, they go for the valuable stuff and we widows stand there guarding our husband's unwashed shirts, ready to growl at anyone who might think about touching it! welcome back hon xx

Kay, I agree ... getting rid of the "dead wood" frees up your time to meet new friends, or spend more time with the real ones. I used to have a Rottweiler called Hammer (he died of old age 3 years ago which broke our hearts ... he was such a character, so smart and he loved me so so much. He was 12 stone when fully grown and went up to 14 stone during his last two years, due to getting extremely lazy ... he even used to help himself to ice cubes from the freezer dispenser sometimes! I like to think that he is with Cliff now. My two boys.) So now, I have 2 rescue dogs called Fred and Barney. Fred is deaf and a terrier crossed with ??????? and I've taught him some sign language (ball, sit, come here) - he was badly beaten as a puppy and you could count his ribs when we got him. He was so jumpy and nervous. Today he struts about, is the correct weight and too confident if anything and is usually stuck to my side. Barney is a long haired Jack Russell Terrier who thinks he is a rottweiler. He looks like Walt Disney drew him (with the long eyelashes that he flutters at you) and he does amazing impressions of a meerkat. He is so cute, very good (apart from escaping into other gardens to play with other dogs) and seems to understand that Fred cannot hear ... if I ask him to fetch Fred he does. He also wakes Fred up when I get home from work :-) I love them. They weren't allowed upstairs before but now they sleep with me :-) And, they are loyal friends :-) xx

Kay, I have done it! I have been a big girl and told someone that they cannot take advantage of me, TWICE IN TWO DAYS :-) 1. someone was supposed to take van for licensing (remember that saga?) ... well in the end they didn't bother and what really pushed me over my limit was this. He spent the money that I left him to pay for the licence!!!! And has disappeared off to the area where his parents live ... so I was, in my opinion, justifiably fuming, spitting mad!!! He wouldn't answer his cellphone, so I left him a calm voicemail stating that it appears to me that he thinks I am stupid or soft, that he has upset me so much at a time when I am so vulnerable ... when I need to know who my friends are and who I can trust. I have given him until Saturday to retun the money, along with the money he already owes me, and tools of Cliff's that he borrowed without asking permission .... then I couldn't help myself (wicked grin spreading on face as I type) ... I happened to mention that a friend of ours is coming up this weekend (which he is). He has met this person in the past and is very wary of him because he knows how protective of me he is and that he will NOT tolerate what he has done. Naughty, I know but I don't regret it ... there's nothing wrong with backup, esp. if you are female living alone today. What he doesn't know is that I will not tell my friend what's happened because I want to enjoy his company ... and not add a sour taste to the weekend, but ... what he doesn't know, doesn't hurt ME!!! ;-) 2. another friend is helping install new kitchen (Cliff had started it) ... and he also took tree branches, old TV and microwave and some rubble to tip/dump today. Wonderful. Then he kind of spoiled it by saying, "Boo, see these roof tiles here, I could take them to the scrapyard and get £200 which we could split down the middle". I told him that yet another friend is dealing with those for me on Saturday, and he persevered, "but I can do it today ... I could use the money." Then I firmly said, "No, Gxxx is doing that this weekend with Sxxxx. And they are worth a lot more than £200. He is a roofer and knows where to get the best price for them and I trust him ... trust his knowledge." Conversation closed. He's obviously thought about it and moved past it ... happily clanging around plumbing in sink and washing machine as I type :-) (BTW the roof tiles are worth $2000!!!!! I had NO idea ... Cliff just stacked them up on our driveway and I was going to give them to my roofer friend, and he said, "No babe, they're worth at least £1000 ... I'd never forgive myself for accepting them." He won't even take gas/petrol money off me ... so I told him that I wanted him to have Cliff's roofing ladders, and he cried :-) I feel very proud of myself ... and don't feel angry because I've told them. Thanks for making me believe that I could Kay. You have always been there for me since I joined in the early days, and you have a calming influence on me. Thank you. HUGS xxxxx

LOL, thank you Jeanne for making me laugh out loud today :-) It's good to know that we are excused from being domestic goddesses these days ;-) hugs xx

Laurie - you are in the right place time-wise in your grieving because that is where you need to be, meaning you are at your personal limit of what you can cope with. If I push myself too far too soon, I go backwards or downwards, and fast. When I read your post I smiled at myself ... because never mind washstuff/toiletries etc! It is August .... Cliff died on January 6th this year ... and I still have Santa's hanging all over the house (inside thankfully only) because I am not ready to take them down. Please don't feel that you should be further along the process, you shouldn't. I have only just wiped away a mustard smeared thumbprint off my fridge because it was his. When you are ready. Not before .... go easy on yourself :-) xx

Starkiss, I have no idea, because I think tears are nature's way of releasing your emotions. They can stop you from getting ill. Today I find my tears are now my friend - they help to heal me and I know that when I have cried the ocean that I need to cry to get to the place that I am aiming for - that place on my journey when the pain in my heart is slowly replaced by that sublime feeling of love instead, and I can laugh at memories instead of crying, when I can listen our music again, when I can sing again, dance again and go a whole week without sobbing, they will have helped me reach that destination. Sometimes, it is heritage perhaps from a bygone era when we were all meant to have a stiff upper lip (especially in the UK where I am), sometimes people are trying hard to keep their own emotions under control and cannot cope when someone else breaks down, so it scares them. Sometimes our own family does not know how to deal with the outpouring of emotions and pain. In other cultures it would be deemed as very strange if people did not openly mourn and cry, so it could be a culture thing and I reckon you could probably blame the Victorian era in the UK for that. I think it's simply too much to ask of someone who is grieving the loss of someone that they love so much. Pay no heed to people calling you a baby. You have a right to grieve as deeply as you need to. Do not feel ashamed for doing so. This is your grief not anyone else's.

Fredzgirl, today, seven months after losing Cliff, I finally scrubbed off his smeared thumbprint of mustard inside my fridge. Last week, I actually threw away his mustard jar. This weekend a very close and cherished friend of ours is coming up to stay (to help another old friend finish off the roof that Cliff had almost completed), and I will sit and talk with him, and we will probably both cry and also laugh ... remember happier times and laugh more. Whilst he is here I intend to give him Cliff's samurai sword (that he bequeathed to our friend's son when he was born). I am ready, but it has been seven months. I totally agree with Marsha's sentiment where "things" are concerned (as time has gone by I have finally realized this is true ... he is not in a mustard thumbprint or a mustard jar, nor is he in his hairbrush or on his pillowcase), however I would add that it really was so early for you to have to sort through and give away any of Fred's belongings. It sounds as though most of the items were not things that you were used to living with, as they were in storage, but even so ... I wish they had waited a little longer, I wish they'd asked you if you were ready. I guess they were ready and therefore assumed you were ... and we can't expect them to know intuitively if we are not ready. Please be gentle with yourself, and don't let anyone pressurize you into, for example recycling Fred's clothes, or anything. Be still. Let yourself adjust a little before you part with anything, sort anything, change your environment. You have just experienced the biggest change in your life, the huge loss ... leave any further changes for when you are ready. Right now you need to keep any semblance of normalcy and familiar surroundings so that you can cope with the shift in axis that your world has taken. Please do not feel bad for crying when you don't expect to. Of course you cry ... you have lost your husband and everything that he was to you, your life, your love, your friend, your counsel and all the other facets of the relationship that you had. I can remember being at one month past Cliff's death, and I felt so scared, such fear, shock, numbness, disbelief, hen belief and pain, confusion, the inability to concentrate on anything, the tears that would spring up unannounced at any given moment, as well as the hours that I would sit and stare and be unable to cry. Please accept offers of help (to run errands, cook you dinner, fetch shopping, mow your lawn etc) while the offers are there. Please accept company too - in the early days I would have hated to have been alone, and was not alone at all for the first six weeks. Try to eat, even dry toast at this time. Sleep whenever you can sleep, it doesn't matter if you get 3 hours sleep in the afternoon because you haven't slept for the past night or two. Cry. Talk. Talking is good. Post here too because it gets it off your chest. We are here for you. Please take care, take everything at your own pace, and let us know how you are coping. HUGS

Welcome to our family, Kimi. I know that this is not a family you would have willingly joined, but you have found us, and I am thankful that you have. As you say, it is helpful to read the posts and recognize that your feelings, behaviour and emotions are normal and perfectly natural. This Forum/Discussion Board is sacred to me because it is a safe environment where no one ever judges you, or laughs at you (although they may laugh with you). Despite the fact that all the members are grieving, I am constantly amazed at how selfless and giving they all are. People rally round you to support you, and it helps to know that you are not completely alone on this journey because they are all walking through it with you, albeit at differing stages, reactions, and timelines. It is the one place in my brave new world where I can tell people everything and not hold back. It is the only place where I absolutely know that everyone really understands me and what I'm going through, and it is a valuable sanity-checker. I'd go as far as saying that the people here are the only people in my life whose opinions I really care about right now, because those who have not been here simply do not understand, not really. It really helps to talk about what you are going through, so please keep posting here. I am so so sorry that you lost your David just over two months ago, and so cruelly. Cancer is such a cruel disease. I hate the word even. I am glad you have a counsellor because mine is worth her weight in gold, and so is Marty (our own Grief Healing Board Counsellor). Please be gentle with yourself, sleep when sleep will come to you, try and eat a little and know that grief is a very personal journey, so please don't ever feel pressurized by others who may in the future tell you "you should be moving on" or other such (un)helpful comments. Only you know when you are ready to do different things, such as returning to work. We are here for you and we do understand. I have grown to learn that the bereaved are given the gift of empathy, and I promise you that you will always find that here. HUGS

Happy Birthday Chai. I know today will be especially hard for you and send you lots of love and cyberhugs. I find myself wondering if you are on a hike ... and hope that you are. You may not feel like celebrating your birthday today, but I want to because you are a special wonderful kind person, with wisdom beyond your years. Your Dad taught you well my friend. With love Boo xx

Sorry it made you cry Marty. It got me too, but it also touched me ... with its honesty and style of writing - amazing blog!

Oh Walt, that is wonderful. I had a similar dream about my Mom after she died. She too was younger (in her 30's) and wearing her Dior perfume, Italian slingback kitten heels, and one of those suits that women wore in the late 50's/early 60's (like the Chanel boucle style). She looked just as I remember her when I was a little girl. I could smell her and touch her and see her, and she told me it was time to say goodbye. This dream gave me so much comfort and I truly believe that she is alright because of having that dream. I just need to have the same dream again, but with Cliff in it (incidentally he had the same dream about his own Mom). I'm so happy for you that Jean came to you.

I've been looking at some different blogs today about grief and loss and found this wonderful blog that someone has written about their Dad: http://bluewithgrief.blogspot.com/ I thought some of you might like to read it? Wishing you strength today Boo x

Valley, when I collected Cliff's ashes from his Dad's house, I made a big fuss of strapping him into the car with a seat belt. As if it mattered! But it did, enormously, to me at the time. I too am protective of his ashes and if I had a fire at home, I would take my dogs, his ashes and our most precious photos. Shows just how much our world has shifted on its axis, and how our perspectives on what is important and what is not is today. xx

Starkiss, I know how very special an uncle like this is ... I had an uncle Peter who really helped us when our Mom and Dad died, even though he was hurting himself. He died of rapid leukaemia 3 weeks after diagnosis, at home. Like you I like to think of them all up there together, and sometimes I wonder if because we all talk to each other now, that they all meet wherever they are. Grief makes you think the strangest things! One of my friends (who lost her little boy) tells me that the hole in your heart eventually gets filled with love instead of sadness. I like this thought because it gives me hope, and I hope it does you too.

Mary Linda, I have just lit a candle for the light that she was in their lives. I am sorry. Boo xx