Boo Mayhew

Starkiss I am pleased for you - that you have found peace in your decision. We just need to be given time to think, don't we?

Hi Jackie I know that your first birthday without your beloved husband will be hard, but I hope that you also smile today. Happy Birthday to you! Big cyberhug xx

Kay, that means so much to me, thank you xx

Thanks Kathy, that is so sweet of you. I don't really have a tough side although I do have a cold side. I will keep at it :-) xx

Korina, I too felt guilty in the early days when I smiled or laughed. Then one day you suddenly don't feel bad about laughing anymore. At least that's how it was for me. At 7 months almost now (in 2 days) I now cry every evening. It will sound strange to you right now, but I have this surreal ability now which enables me to act professional at work during the day, then in the evenings I grieve for him. I look at it as "our time" - the evenings always were our time, and they still are. Whatever you feel is OK - there is no manual for this and we all react in different ways and on differing timescales. We are here for you x

sorry Starkiss, that could be my fault. I had read one of the much earlier posts that referred to "tomorrow" and I stupidly read it as literally tomorrow without checking the date of the actual post.

oh I am sorry. I feel bad for doubting your friend now :-( That is so sad. My immediate reaction upon reading the news was this. Thank God she had someone with her, someone who was looking after her, someone who stayed with her. If her family knew that it would give them some comfort I'm sure. It would mean the world to me. I still think you are a hero. But even hero's need help sometimes. I'm glad you are following Marty's advice. Come back and let us know how you are - I'll look out for your posts when I am online, and I will light a candle for her now. Sending you strength ...

thanks Marty. I hadn't thought of my blog as much more than an emotion dump initially, but then I realized the power of its healing to me. I loved that quote - it confirms to me the value of doing it. I will follow you on Twitter, I'll get my girlfriend at work who is much younger than me (who is also on Twitter) to show me what to do :-)

Sorry I should have mentioned too: Cliff's Mom's ashes were disposed of as per her own wishes The decision regarding Cliff's ashes are my wishes - we never discussed anything beyond the fact that we wanted to be cremated, but I can't help but think that he would approve, and his family and friends certainly do :-)

Starkiss, you are already so raw at the moment, I wish they had picked a different time. Have been thinking about you today. When Cliff's Mom died, her ashes were put in different places: spread in the park that overlooks the sea near where they live and the family all take flowers there when they want to in Cliff's Dad's garden buried, funnily enough with the roses in the sea in Holland because Cliff's sister lives there, so that she has somewhere to take flowers too on the beach in Ostend (Belgium) because they had such good memories of trips there together Cliff and I only went to the spreading of ashes in Holland. We all went as a family to that one. Just Cliff's Dad and one sister went to the other places. I have just ordered this locket off the internet because I have decided to do the following with Cliff's ashes and I can't quite bear to let go of all of him. It would feel like more sorrow and loss. I know on a rational level that he is not in the ashes, that he is somewhere else, but still, having them here with me gives me comfort. So Cliff's ashes will be put: on the beach in his old hometown (I will spread these with his pallbearers - his closest friends, who are in my estimation, "real men" that he respected and loved, when I am ready) in my garden over where our rottweiler is buried (I will spread these alone when I am ready) and I don't plan on ever moving from here. in Stockbury where he was fostered by a lovely old couple who are long dead themselves - it was the only time he was ever happy as a child so it felt right to do this (I will spread them with his big brother who was fostered by this couple with him, and then he's taking me for lunch, when I'm ready) a little bit of his ashes will go in my locket, along with a lock of his hair, and a rose petal from the wreath on his coffin, and I don't think I will ever take it off. In fact, I am going to have it added to my will that when I die I must be cremated with the locket on! It already states that I go with my wedding ring on, just like he did. The rest of the ashes (the majority) are going to go up in a mo-fo firework. Fireworks were a big thing with us, and believe it or not, our rottweiler - he LOVED them and Cliff actually put up balastrading and a baby gate on the decking to keep him safe whilst he was viewing the display. In the UK, you have to get the firework especially made in the presence of an undertaker (if the fireworks contain human remains/ashes) and ... it just so happens that we know someone who owns a firework factory. He used to let Cliff have the fireworks usually only allowed to pyrotechnicians, so he is going to take care of that side of it. Cliff was also a wizard at making cocktails, so I am going to use some of his own recipes, make some cocktails, and invite some friends and family up and send him off from my garden. That way he will be all around me. Again when I am ready. The reason I bought this locket is because it has a double chamber - and I didn't want to put his ashes, hair and rose petal all in one space in a locket. I know it sounds silly, but you will understand! And now I am thinking, it's a double chamber locket. Starkiss has lost her Mom and Dad ... she could put some of her Mom in one side of the locket, and some of her Dad in the other side of the locket. You may hate the idea initially. I sure did. I pondered on it for sometime, and now I like the idea, in fact I will be relieved when it arrives so that I can wear him next to my heart all the time. You don't even have to wear it ... you could just have it somewhere at home safe if you preferred. Here is the link to the locket: http://www.memorialjewellery.com.au/Silver...ocket_p_46.html Be aware that this site is in Australia, so check out the exchange rate to US$. The reason I've gone into so much detail is just to show you that everyone in your family, including you, can be comforted in dealing with the ashes in their own way and in their own time too. Think some, then talk to your family. Perhaps even take a little from each of their ashes before the meeting, so that if there are arguments at this meeting, you have the safety net of being able to deal with this the way you want, and when you want. I don't know if this will help you because we are all so different in the way we deal with and think about these things. You may hate the locket, or you might not like the idea of putting the ashes in different places, I don't know. It's just an idea. Hugs to you today, I know it will be hard on you. xx

Kay, yet again, brilliant insight and advice. Thank you xxx You are so right and I will be a big girl in future, plus what I said before ... not be lazy (because I am tired and it is easier) ... and ensure that I don't put myself in situations where this type of thing can happen to me again. I also know that that is what Cliff would say to me. Marty - I thought the article was really good and I can apply the rationale behind the example used in the article, into how I deal with confrontations going forward. THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH Tonight one of Cliff's friends rang (the one who is finishing some work on the house) really apologetic. Turns out they are moving house (I didn't know) and he felt awful for not being in touch ... he is coming over the weekend after next. And I feel very foolish about the other person I was upset about. Turns out the battery was flat on the van so he couldn't take it to be licenced, so he didn't let me down after all. He is sorting it out this week. What I have learned from this is along the lines that you have suggested Kay. If I had rung both these men I would have known the full story and would not have got upset. They didn't call me but they don't understand how I feel - how could they? So it took them a while to explain why both chores were delayed. I was upset, so I should have owned the emotion and got in touch with them. As for the other person, well, I am never going to leave myself open to being taken advantage of by him again. HUGS

What you did sounds like what my husband would have done if he were still here. He always made me safe. You made her safe in the unsafe environment in which you found yourselves. Be proud of yourself - there are too many people who are too willing to walk by someone who is in trouble. I actually saw someone step over someone in London one day (who had fallen on the street). How inhuman and uncaring is that???? My husband crossed the street and helped the elderly man get up and made sure he was ok. It really upset me. To be brutally honest, I thought it strange that the hospital rang your friend. They certainly wouldn't do that in the UK, because your friend was a stranger to this girl, not next of kin. So perhaps your intuition is right? Compounded by the fact that you couldn't find any information about a female death at the parade in 2008 kind of confirms it in my mind. And the fact that you mentioned your friend may have beefed up the story. Is there a board online for Gay Pride Houston that you could post a message on? Or, could you put an ad in the "personals" in the local newspaper for Houston? Just to be sure. You were very brave I thought, and a hero. You are however not a medic, and therefore should NOT feel that you failed her ... and sometimes even Medics can't save everyone, which after all is why we are on this Board. You did everything you could do. Please don't feel guilt, only pride in what you did. p.s. I'm glad you haven't left the Forum - it gives me so much. I honestly didn't read your post till just now. We all get bad days - I know I shouldn't, but I smiled when I read your grumpy post ;-)

Em - I will always be here for you. I know what it is like to lose your Daddy. Perhaps stick to the articles that Marty has written on the Grief Healing Site, and ensure that books you buy are written either by the bereaved, or a bereavement counsellor? I'm quite scornful of any books on the market written by anyone else because they haven't walked in our shoes and they simply can't know. Be mindful of cultural differences when buying books too :-) and Marty has also posted a booklist on the site. The other 2 books that I have read are really relevant for losing a spouse, so I won't recommend them to you. Marty - thanks so much for your kind words. For some reason it helps me to help people and I find that by sharing, I am vocalizing and making sense of my loss of Cliff, by that I mean making sense of and understanding my own grief work. I think that we gain the gift of empathy when we suffer such a huge loss in our lives. I learn so much from this board and everyone here gives me comfort. Sometimes it just helps to know that I am not walking alone along this road. While we are on the subject, I have provided links to your articles on my blog and obviously gave you credit for authorship - the other widows who follow the blog have contacted me to say how helpful they were to them. I hope that's ok? I should have checked actually shouldn't I - ooops, sorry. Here are links to where I've mentioned you/your articles: http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/07/usef...ieving-and.html and here: http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/07/some...s-for-july.html You need only say if you want anything changed and I will make it so :-) Em - you might like to click on the first link as I found all the articles there really really helpful. Hugs xx

Hey Em I can't comment on all of your post because I think that you'd need to be qualified as a counsellor? But as to visiting your Dad's Urn. This is the way I see it. I visit my Dad in my head by thinking about him, by listening to his music, by being the way he'd want me to be. My Dad isn't where his ashes are ... he is somewhere else now. I carry him in my heart, along with my Mom, my husband and my dog. (No wonder it feels so heavy these days) I didn't view either of my parents' bodies when they died because I couldn't do it either. Again, my attitude was, "That isn't my Mom, she is somewhere else now". I don't think that this delayed my grieving .... I'm pretty sure that lots of people don't. I did see my husband, but that is such a different relationship and that was why. Probably because you are so close to someone physically, anyway it's just different, well at least it was for me. You need to grieve in your way, in your time. Please don't let anyone pressurize you into doing anything that scares you, pressurizes you, or that you don't feel ready to do. I'm sure your Dad would prefer you not to feel like that. Don't let them push their beliefs of "how it should be" and project them onto you. It took my sister and I over 18 months before we could walk into our Mom's room to sort through her stuff. It took us all weekend because we kept crying. But we had to do it because our father could not. You can go and do your Dad's room when you want, not before. I still have Santa's up in my house because Cliff put them up and I can't bear to take them down. It took me 6 months till I could throw away his mustard in the fridge. In your time Em. Someone I know lost their baby, and they buy him birthday presents and take them to the grave ... I think we should be allowed to grieve and remember our loved ones the way we want. If it were me, I would not go and visit the urn. And yes, when I got home I might feel bad, but only because of the "guilt thing" that we torture ourselves with. I would then torture myself about it for around 2 - 4 weeks then assign it to the unjustified guilt pile :-) I am guessing, but if you are in a Catholic/Latin country ... everyone is brought up viewing bodies and visiting graves etc from a very young age, so it is normal to them ... it is part of how they grieve ... they have no fear of it. It's different if you haven't been exposed to that culture from a young age, and it's acceptable not to do it if you are not comfortable to do so. Protect your mind. My first boarding school was a convent and there were a lot of nuns there who were elderly, and there would be a death a week (it seemed to my young mind). Anyway, I started having these really bad nightmares and my Dad had to ring the Mother Superior and ask that I was excused from future viewings and funerals because I hadn't been brought up that way and was therefore freaked out at the age of ten! It really does affect you in this situations - they way you are brought up. Try to enjoy the rest of your trip. You could pop into a church and light a candle for him instead if you feel like it. Or where you are staying? Or even online. That way the family will see that you are remembering him in your own way and may then stop asking you if you are going. Take care of yourself xx

Marty, that has made my afternoon. Made me laugh out loud at my desk (at the part where they are swimming) and I have sent the link onto many animal lovers. I couldn't listen to the commentary because I am in an open plan office, but will play it again at home. I raised money for orang-utans by doing a sponsored walk a couple of years ago, and also wrote to my supermarket (Tesco) to pressurize them into making products without palm oil. It has to start there, because as consumers it is almost impossible to buy stuff without palm oil in it. Everything from toothpaste to detergents has the oil in it, and so does a lot of processed food. You've probably already seen this video but just in case, another lovely story:

Kavish that's a lovely way of thinking about it :-)

Thinking of you today Starkiss. HUGS Boo x

Deb, it's not wrong. You still love her. It's just that you are adjusting to her not being here now, because you have no option. After losing my parents, around the time that you are at, I suddenly realized that I could remember them and smile, even laugh at funny memories. A while after that I could listen to their music. Today, there are times that I miss them, but those times are infrequent, thank goodness. (It's been 16 years since I lost my Mom, and 13 years since I lost my Dad) ... but I still think to myself ... ooh what would Dad say about that etc. And I find I can answer that question! We carry them in our hearts because they are not here now. Hugs x

Thanks so much Kay. that is a great way of explaining it. I am going to work on this advice, slowly but surely, and let karma deal with the rest :-) Work sent me on an assertiveness course, and it has helped me a lot ... but at work, not at home! I tend to go quiet and expect the people who have wronged me to guess that I know that they have!!! Which makes for a lot of paranoia and nothing positive really. Cliff used to think I was sulking but I wasn't, I was just upset and found it so hard to open my mouth in that situation ... he learned to recognize the signs. My whole life I have had people take care of/protect me: as a child - my Daddy as a teenager - the rugby team at my school as an adult - Cliff and his friends (I met Cliff when I was 18 although wasn't with him till I was 30) So in a way, I've never had to do it and I guess I just don't know how to. I can stand up for other people but not myself which is stupid - because that proves I can do it. I still have Cliff's friends, but don't want to bother them over stuff that's silly. I'd only involve them if someone was threatening or bullying me - something more serious. Cliff and I went through some times where people tried to take us for a ride (royally too - I love that expression!) till he put a stop to it. He also "managed" me through this time, because he understood that I just couldn't understand how people could be like that. He healed me from it all and was always proud of the fact that it never changed me, or made me bitter. I am determined that this whole experience of losing Cliff, and all the annoying hurtful things that people have done/said will not alter me at all. It's not my responsibility (their behaviour). thanks again Kay xx

have a good trip Mrs B and enjoy the company of your family. I hope your stepdaughter is alright ... IBS is very painful and affects your entire life. x QUOTE (Mrs. B @ Aug 4 2009, 12:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>Well we got through the funeral. Was very hard even thought granny was 89 it still was hard on my kids. Saturday they came to visit and it was good to have them here. We went out to the cemetary and she was so sad cause she said mom im so sorry i couldnt be here for you . But i said you did what you could and got me home. With the baby being new and no passport or shots i knew if was impossible for her. She said the she had enough of cememtaries and funerals for the year and was ready to go home. They left on sunday and i will be flying out on wednesday morning. I am excited. I also go news that i am executor so i can get all that stuff started and will have a little relief on my vacation. I still have this knott in the pitt of my stomach and a weight on my chest. My step daughter who i raised since she was 31/2 is now sick and i have to try to make sure she is ok cause her real mom dosent care and i told her i would always be there for her. She has lost 20 lbs since her dad died and is a mere 105 lbs. Trying to get dr to have here see a specialist and it is hard. We were in emerge on friday for 5 hours and they said that she probably has irritable bowel syndrome. Her father died from an inflammed bowel so it scares us. I wish she would move back home to but she moved in with her boyfriend and father. enough rambling tonight i have to go pack and make a list so i dont forget anything. My siutcase has mostly stuff for the baby. I will be able to fit some clothes in though lol....

Starkiss, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I had a thought that you might like to try? Perhaps you could write to him what you really want to say, then burn the note, and watch the smoke go upwards to him. This would give you the opportunity to say whatever you want ... in a safe environment. (I think I got the idea from an article that Marty wrote BTW). Then light a candle to balance it out ... Just a thought. Ignore me if you think it's silly :-) Boo x

Mary Linda I totally agree. I call it enjoyingpeople TM

Em I have to tell you that this bit of your post had me laughing out loud at my desk. Don't blame yourself. BTW, you should not choose school over anything in the future." Uh, thanks... Right now, we are very vulnerable emotional wounded creatures. So the words and actions of others completely affect us. We are questioning the world as we know it. All that we completely trusted - our counsel - is no longer here. Keep that in mind ... and be tolerant of others' faux-pas - they know not what they do/say! Believe me, I have had the most stupid things said to me, where I stand there thinking, "you are STUPID" but all I say is "mmmmmmm"!!!! Her intention is good ... I personally feel that she overstepped the mark when you initially asked for her opinion. You didn't ask for a life-coach session - you simply asked for reassurance, yet she provided you with one, and the advice was inappropriate for the time and situation. I just don't think she thought it through properly ... but I can read between the lines that she cares for you a lot and has admiration for you. I think she's a good friend, but she just blurbed on without thinking of how you would read it. And as I said earlier, she is applying her values to YOU, and that isn't really the way forward. I'd not confront her. Of course you're angry - I would be. Perhaps, I'd even feel a bit betrayed. HOWEVER, we are wounded creatures ... a little over-sensitive, which is to be expected and is normal and understandable. When you think about it in that perspective, and realize that she cannot begin to imagine how you feel ... she meant nothing but good ... anyone on this board would never have said that, but ... we have the empathy and insight. I'd be inclined to think of it in that way, rather than dwell on the resentment. Your friendship is more important. Seriously, I reckon she didn't read it through before clicking on the send button. And you know what, she's probably pleased with the way she handled it. ha! I promise I have had similar conversations ... What I learned was to choose my sounding-boards wisely ... and as lovely as she is, perhaps you need to use others for this purpose ... people who are fairly analytical, look at it from a logical perspective, perhaps someone older. I do, because I am the opposite of analytical normally ... so that is the perspective that I normally lack and therefore seek. What is awful about all this is even if she had said the perfect answer, and I did, and others did, the nature of the beast is such that you will continue to beat yourself up about this, until you are through beating yourself up about it. Which is why I found the guilt part of the process the most arduous and tortuous - because I excelled at it :-( and I have a feeling that perhaps you are too ... I hope that didn't sound patronizing because it's certainly not intended - I just believe in speaking the truth. It is hell, and I know where you are and I'm sorry Em. I wish I could make it stop for you. I get upset just thinking about those times. The only advice I can offer you, which worked for me was this. I started to categorize my own guilt into "justified" and "unjustified" guilt ... and slowly ... I found that all the guilt started getting consigned to the unjustified pile. But at first, I was stubborn, it was my "hair-shirt" and no one was going to take it off me - I just had to go through it. Grief is so weird and hard.

Em, first off let me say that I think that you did NOT let your Dad down by prioritizing your exam. You were being diligent, industrious, accountable and responsible. You were being the daughter that he used to speak of with pride. For such a young age, you were so considerate to him in ill health, much more adult or caring than many children would be. I think your friend thinks the same as I do, but what she is trying to say is to take "you time" like she does. But the point she is missing is that she is content with the grades she has - you strive higher. I don't think that that is reasonable because it goes against "the grain" and everything your parents instilled in you. Itwould probably stress you out because it's not the way you work or study. And I hate to imply this but I'm going to. Perhaps it would suit her if you agreed to go have fun and give her company. But it wouldn't suit you? Focus on the trip that you took - just the 2 of you. That is special. When my Dad was dying, he told Cliff to take me away from the hospital, "and don't let her come back" because he didn't want me to be there when he died. I think that was a lovely protective paternal gesture, and hard for him to do. Like you I am relieved I was not there. He made the right choice and decision for me, without my knowledge at the time. I love him for it. Perhaps your own experience was similar. After all, even tho you were the closest of friends, you will have always, additionally, remained his baby/little girl. Fathers can't help it, even when we are fully grown they tend to think of us in that way, and it's wonderful I think :-) Also remember that guilt is a part of grieving. We self torture over it. I found it the worse part of the first six months - the most agonizing, torturous and hard part. Personally, I think you are a wonderful daughter and it's clear just how close you were, which makes me think ... your Dad would hate for you to be feeling like this. Easy for me to say, I know, but I honestly mean what I have said. I'd be proud, anyone would, and honoured to have you as a daughter. And lucky, I might add. HUGS xx

Kath you are very right. Cliff did absolutely protect me from all of this. I am learning. If there was one thing that he was proud of, it was that even though we went through a lot of hard stuff with people, that it never changed me. That I never got bitter. I won't let this change me because I will feel as though I have let him down. I have to stay the person who he fell in love with so that he can recognize me when it's time for me to join him (what weird thoughts we have these days!) but equally I need to be an adult (hard for me) and manage who I trust and how I trust etc. I know what their shortfallings are and therefore shouldn't be shocked when it happens. I need to arrange things so that I am not dependant on them, I need to not take the sometimes easy/lazy option, but as you know grief is tiring like nothing else! I'll get there ...