Boo Mayhew

Kath, thank you so much for sharing your day with us ... it really gives me hope. But most of all it was a pleasure, literally, to read. I could hear your smile!!!

Jaime is a tribute to the wonderful father that he had, being thoughtful ... a little treat, and celebrating your birthday away from home. What a lovely son! x

I've finally got round to scanning and uploading the Eulogy that I wrote for Cliff on my blog. Unfortunately one of the pages (page 10) won't work ... so, if you'd like to read it ... please click here (you need to click on each thumbnail to enlarge so that you can read them!): http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/09/cliffs-eulogy.html and when you get to page 10, click here: http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/09/if-y...here-it-is.html and then go back to the original link. Hope that made sense! I honestly believe that writing this, at the time, preserved my sanity. Today, it gives me comfort to know that I did my best for him. Wishing you all peace and strength xx

Hi Chai, Em and Jeanne Chai - oh I'm sorry. It's something like this that can bring it all tumbling back on top of us. And hard. When is your next vacation so that you can at least look forward to being amongst people who empathize better and better still, actually knew your Dad? Em - hope you are alright xx Jeanne - your comment about your Dad liking the movie brought a huge smile to my face as my parents actually went to the cinema to watch "Ghost" ... and they hadnt gone to the movies (together) for YEARS. I was AMAZED that my Dad watched it. It was on TV the other night and I pondered on watching it, but decided that I didn't require a massive booing session so abstained. But it is a wonderful film. Love and hugs to you all xxx

I am thinking of you this morning at work, Mary Linda, because I expect that Patrick Swayze's death has affected you, and brought back a lot of painful memories (not that they go far away in the first place). There are no words really as you know, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wish I could come give you a hug xx Hold onto Shadow today

Kay, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. It's awful that you didn't know, even more of a shock. I just watched the video ... wow, what a beautiful bride - your daughter is so naturally pretty and isn't she glowing with happiness :-) I loved the way she nodded, as if in agreement with what was being said - so sweet. Her groom looks entirely enchanted about it all too. Ahh young love sigh thanks so so much for sharing, that cheered me right up. You must be sooooo proud, kay! xx

Laurie, I too am facing my first Christmas and New Year without Cliff, so am unsure what to say ... I am hoping to go to a muslim country actually so that I can escape the whole thing, but need to think about this some more, as it may not be the answer for me, and I have had a couple of invitations, here and abroad but don't know how I feel about that because I don't want to ruin their days. To be honest, the thought terrifies me. It overwhelms me. But I need to think about it ... please let us know if you make a decision as I'd be interested to know ... Hopefully some of the oldies may have some ideas, or can share what did or did not work for them?

Oh Walt, I too found that video and have to agree whole-heartedly that this song just sums it up, doesn't it? We really would give everything that we had to give, for even one day, for even a taste of them ... yet, I know it would never be enough, because we could never get enough of our loves. It's beautiful. It's poignant. And it's so true. Thank you. HUGS

Dusky I hope you have a good day, and are raising your glass to your Banana Bread Man xxx

Lucia, thank God you are okay. Let us know how your other tests go, I am sorry that you have health issues to deal with on top of your grief over losing your Ben, Boo xx

Kathy that is a beautiful poem. I think writing helps us so much - thank you for sharing it with us all. I'm so glad you are still on the Board. Boo x

We had identical eye colour and hair colour. But he was a foot taller than I and double my body weight (but he wasn't fat, just big build, muscular). But we still fit together well. I'd wrap my hand around his thumb and one of his fingers because his hands were so much bigger than mine ... in fact my feet were the same length as his hands! And when we stood side by side out socializing ... I fit under his arm just right and used to slip my hand in his back Levi's pocket. When I sat on his lap I always fit perfectly and could sleep like it sometimes if we were out somewhere late. When we hugged at the beginning of each evening after getting home ... it felt right and easy, like we were one. Thanks for asking this question, even though answering it was bittersweet, I can almost taste how it felt :-) Boo x

Lucia, I'm not surprised that you are scared. I get scared over the smallest of obstacles these days, let alone having to face a procedure like you have to. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be with Ben Please let us know how you are when you return home, and I have just said a prayer for you. Ben will be there with you as you said, but I know it's not the same. Love Boo xx

Hi everyone I have just spent my lunch hour reading through a wonderful blog written by a Mom who has lost her son (through suicide in his 20's) and thought I would share it on this board in case anyone finds it helpful. She has also put links to other blogs on there. http://desertyear.blogspot.com/ Wishing you strength and peace Boo x

Valley, your words really did speak to me too. I have tears in my eyes as I write now to say that I am 100% sure that they can feel our love.

Valley my friend, I hope yesterday wasn't too hard on you and that you had laughter as well as tears. Thinking of you xx

Mel, that is disrespectful to your Bob and to you. I loved the email that you sent, well done you. Let us know how the person responds. I am sorry that this has happened, because I know how upsetting as well as maddening this will be to you. HUGS Boo xx

Mary Linda, that is awful. They should question why you wrote the comment, not berate you for it. Horrible, nasty :-(

Em, I can't tell you what is best for you, because I am not you, and therefore my grief, my support network, my coping mechanisms, my inner turmoil is differerent to what you feel. I can tell you what has worked for me and you can think about whether this may or may not work for you ... does that make sense? Initially, my gut reaction was to return to work. I craved escapism, a sense of normalcy and stability in a world that I no longer recognized. So I did. Too early, and fell over. My bosses knew this would be the outcome but let me try and told me that I needed counselling and more time off. After a couple more weeks, I tried again on a reduced week, along with the flexibility of being able to work from home when I could not be bothered to dress and wash myself. This was very helpful as I was so exhausted, and it took the pressure or worry about not fulfilling my duties off me. After more time, I decided that I would return to work full-time and I took this decision before HR took the decision off my hands. Because when you have a choice it feels better. If you make the choice vs. it happens to you ... you are more positive about it. Work still supports me today in respect of leaving early when I have a counselling session, and they still give me full permission to visit the Forum/Board during my contracted hours, as well as posting to my blog. In fact my bosses asked for the link to my blog and they visit it regularly, telling me they find it useful because it gives them an idea of where I am mentally and emotionally. Additionally they agreed that the first half of the year I would be rated as "not rated" as that would be fairer to me. I am now striving to hit objectives during the second half of this year. It gives me purpose and a reason to get up in the mornings, not to mention it is a wonderful distraction. I won't lie to you. I am beyond tired, but intuitively I know that even though it is soooo hard to get up and get there some days, when I get there, it's better for me. It's good for me to have the routine, the normalcy, the stability, the "raison d'etre". It was always my world, not ours. I miss his daily phone call immeasurably. I miss even more the end of the day when I would share any accomplishments or funny stories with him - it was like I was a little girl telling her father, "look what I did today" all proud and he would tolerate this monologue and smile and be proud of me. So today I do this, hard as it is, make him proud of me. I feel better when I am there, and at the end of the day when I see my front door I feel the relief of knowing that I can go through it and release the tears. I have had to push myself to get here but it was the right decision. The trick is to know how hard to push yourself and it's very important not to set yourself goals that are too high, else you feel that you have failed and that sends you downward rapidly. Try those baby steps. Try little by little and you will surprise yourself at how much strength you had that you had no idea that you possessed. Learn the difference between I can't do this in reality, and the other version of it which is your perceived and unconfident "I can't do this". On the days when you really can't do it, accept that and take time out for you. Chat with Chai too and find out what the obstacles in her road have been, what has been hard, what was easy (but she thought wouldn't be), what coping mechanisms she uses. Only you know when you are ready. Go with your intuition and feeling rather than sense of duty or what you feel is expected of you. What ever you decide, please don't feel guilt about your decision. Hard not to, but please try. Please don't push yourself too hard too soon. Let us know what you decide and how you get on because we care xxxx

Mary Linda I cried with frustration when I read your post because I can't come sit with you and just listen, sit, hold your hand. You are such a caring and giving person, and your in-laws' treatment of you is so undeserved, cruel even. We can wax lyrical about possible reasons for this such as; they are hurting and can't therefore acknowledge your pain because it magnifies their own etc etc., but the fact is, in this moment you need and so deserve their love and support, surely if they knew and loved him so well, they would want to do what he would do were he still here - love and support you. Cliff and I used to joke that we had a deal. The deal was that I went first, or we went together, preferably on a flight at the END not the start of a vacation. But it's not funny now. I tend to think these days that in a perverse way I am glad that he went first because I love him too much and would hate him to go through this unspeakable pain that we endure daily. I am positive that he would not have looked for help along this journey in the way that I have ... participating in this Forum/Board, writing a blog, seeing a bereavement counsellor. He would have worked himself to the bone till he burned out and collapsed with no fight left in him, and I reckon he'd have become so hard to help due to his likely reaction to project his pain onto anyone with words that would not have been retractable. The imagined scenario of that does not bear contemplating. I don't think they knew how hard this would be, but I do honestly believe that they know now, that they see our pain today and wish us peace and happiness again. After all that's what they strove for when they were physically here. What I wish for you Mary Linda is to be able to listen to that song and smile one day. I really do, and I also believe that one day you will, just not yet. One day. Big big bear hug to you today

Lucia, I think that is a wonderful way to celebrate Ben's birthday, so apt due to his personality being so giving, and it gives your whole family the chance to celebrate and participate. How fitting and how thoughtful. Birthdays are hard to embrace now ... but giving the day a positive charge in this way, I'm sure will help. Thanks for sharing this idea - I am going to give thought on how I can adapt this into something fitting for my beautiful husband. xx

Mary Linda, I think you're right! And we would be quite a force to be reckoned with, united :-) It'd be good just to sit with someone who truly knows what this feels like, let alone talk with them. Do you think you might be able to make "Camp Widow" in August? x

Teny, I am only at 8 months but strongly identify with what you are saying. Some days are just too hard, and others are better. Like you, I struggle with the concept of how final Cliff's death is, but what gets me through that is this. It's forever only in this lifetime. I honestly believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones again for eternity, true eternity. That helps me cope. I wish you peace and strength. xx

Marty, the lyrics were spot on ... I am going to type them out and stick them on a church candle to burn at home. Thank you.

Tash, apologies, I have NO idea where I got the age from either ... my mind does not focus as clearly as it once did. Sorry.