Boo Mayhew

Lucid Saint, as Marsha has said you are not losing your sanity, you are experiencing pure unadulterated grief. I am so sorry for your loss. There were times that I felt that my sanity was slipping away from me. I think it's just that our minds cannot cope with the horror of what has happened. But this is normal and natural, please believe me. I went from numb and not believing to fear and believing within the space of a nanosecond. I tried calling my husband a couple of days after he died because I couldn't cope with the reality of what had happened. I even took a photo of our lounge at home to see if the camera could see him, even if I could not. Cliff and I went to many concerts together ... and I know that I could not face going to one for a very long time, if ever! I think you are so brave for having attempted going :-) Please keep posting here. Like you I had never joined a forum before, however it has helped me enormously. The people here, and our lovely Counsellor Marty provide us with a safe environment and it helps to talk about your feelings and thoughts and worries. I'm glad you found us.

I'd just like to reiterate what Valley has said. The Hawaiian shirts of Cliff's will always remain in his wardrobe too. They are so him. They bring me comfort and are full of happy memories. I am thinking about having some of his clothes made into a comfort quilt, but am not ready to cut them up yet. His Levi's are still folded on the side, next to his side of the bed and I am not strong enough to move them into his wardrobe yet. Please don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything that you are not comfortable, or ready, to do. Our worlds have been tipped upside down. If "things" bring us comfort, a sense of normalcy or stability into our lives, go with it. You will know when you are ready to do stuff. It's hard to explain, but you just know. For example, I threw away his mustard after 7 months. That was a big step for me. But I was ready to do it and didn't even cry. One day at a time ...

Mel, it is a brave thing to do, to ask for help. I don't know why we find it so hard but it is. You have taken the first step and asked - well done because that is an accomplishment in itself. To see beyond the pain and see that you need to do something about it. I can tell you that counselling (along with posting here and being surrounded by the support of everyone here and Marty) has helped me beyond words. I also know that sometimes a simple chore like brushing your hair or putting the trash out can be tantamount to climbing Everest in our minds and that if I shut myself off from people and lock myself away in my house I go into a downwards spiral rapidly. That said, sometimes, we just have to have that time out to ourselves ... it's knowing when to break free from it again and again and again. I know that it's a big step, but please please go to the counselling. The relief I felt from my first session was PHENOMENAL. I wonder how many times I, and others, have wished that we all lived closer together, so that we could give each other hugs, socialize, laugh and cry together. One of my blog widow friends suggested that we could name the place "Widowville" ;-) I am thinking of you and hope that Rascal is giving you lots of cuddles my friend xxx

Lostluv you asked for feedback on medication. I saw a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me as clinically depressed after asking me several questions and scoring me on the answers. So, he prescribed me anti-depressants. I didn't question this, because I wasn't strong enough to do anything other than follow his instructions at the time, however, within two weeks of taking them I started having suicidal thoughts. I can remember lying in the bath and thinking how nice and relaxing it would be if I just let all my blood out with the bathwater and felt happy about it! Then my deaf dog trotted into the bathroom and started licking my face and crying and it snapped me out of it, just for a second ... but long enough. God only knows how long I had been lying there. And so I jumped out the bath, put a dressing gown on and hammered on my neighbour's door and said, "I can't be alone right now". Obviously I stopped taking the meds straightaway, and was fine after around 5 days. Mine is one example of how one can react to these meds ... but for others they have been a godsend and a great help. What I have thought retrospectively though is this. To me, the definition of depression is being sad without a reason. I am sad for a very good reason. So I don't think I am clinically depressed. I think I am simply grieving and missing my husband - he was and still somehow is the world to me. The pain is sometimes unbearable, but I must bear it and I am stronger than I thought I was. Sometimes I take a 2mg diazepam to settle me so I can sleep, or sometimes I take an anti-histamine because it seems to work just as well, because sleeping tablets didn't suit me either (I was so dizzy in the mornings I couldn't walk). My cousin is a homeopath in Australia - so have asked her for a prescription for "grief" and at least I'll know that is harmless. That's my med story ... and can I just add a caveat ... I will be in the minority when it comes to bad side effects, so don't want to scaremonger. If they work for you, then great. Let us know how you get on.

Kathy, I just wanted to check in and see how you got on with the other discussion board ... have you had time to try it yet? Thinking of you, Boo xx

Chai, whenever I have a dilemma ... I listen to my first knee-jerk reaction but don't react ... then I sit still for the longest time, and think about what Cliff would think, say or do ... and it always comes to me. I just find that I need the silence and time for it to happen. Like an inner voice that is his. Kind of like meditating without knowing how to! It helps me so I just wanted to let you know and share. xx

Well done Korina, I am so proud of you because I know that I could not have done that. WOW!!!! In months to come you will gain comfort from the fact that you did this for Scott. I know that it helped me a lot because I wrote the Eulogy for Cliff. Again, a huge well done. xx

Mel, I am so sorry that people have not been supportive to you. It makes you feel even more alone, I know. As you say, resentment is toxic BUT anger is part of grieving, so go with the flow of your emotions. I hope that your luck changes and that you get employment that you enjoy as that will be your anchor going forward. Let us know how you are getting on xx

Deb, the longer time goes by since I lost Cliff, the more I realize that just because he has died, it doesn't mean that our love died with him. I am still surrounded by that love. xx

Lostluv, I am so sorry that you are now going on this journey, but I am glad that you have found us. I don't have time to write a long message because I have to take a shower, get groceries and vacuum house and mop floors before my friend arrives in 3 hours, but I just wanted to say that many of us didn't change the sheets on our beds for a LONG time ... so don't feel bad about it :-) I'll be honest - it took me 5 months but I showered before bed each night, like you. Also, it took me 7 months to throw away his jar of mustard in the fridge (and wipe a smeared thumbprint off the fridge door) ... only do these things when you are ready. The Santa's are still up inside my house, and it is September tomorrow! And you know what, NO ONE mentions them, and one of them is 4 feet high!!!!!! Keep posting - it helps so much to talk. Take care xx

NotCoping, I often speak to Cliff whilst looking in the mirror. It took a while to notice that I was doing it ... and then longer for me to wonder why I was doing it ... I think I do it because looking at a face while talking helps, because I was used to looking at his face after all. And it's almost as if I see his face, not mine when I do this ... perhaps because we are soulmates? I don't know.

I thought you were up very late or early! Sorry, I just realized that my words were easy to misinterpret. When I said "keep it inside you" I meant my strength NOT your tears. xx

Korina, I just wanted to send you every ounce of my spare strength across the Atlantic Ocean so that you can keep it inside you on Sunday. I have lit you a candle on the GfHlg area of the Light a Candle Site. xx

Starkiss, I hope that this week has brought you some smiles as well as tears, and I have been thinking of you. Take care x

Em, I just wanted to say that we are here for you too and love you as dearly. I am so glad you and Chai have each other along this journey. xx

Fredzgirl, it's the little things. It's always the little things that can bring us to our knees. (Such as a letter). The other evening I stood howling very loudly in my kitchen because I opened a cupboard and looked at a can of tomatoes which Cliff had bought and it almost gave me a physical jolt of pain. It will pass. Be still and let it pass. As Mary Linda says, this happens again (and again) but after a while it resembles riding a wave when it happens. Sometimes it is a tsunami, sometimes only a ripple ... sometimes you ride the crest and sometimes you are gulping for air. We are all navigating towards calmer seas but aren't sure when we will get there, or which route we will take. We are here with you, please keep posting, especially when you feel like this because it helps enormously. xx

Marty, thanks so much for posting this, because I too have been preoccupied with these feelings recently and this has confirmed to me that the sign I received was indeed sent to me. I thought I would share my experience with the group, and anyone can read it here http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/08/sunsets-alone.html

Oh Diane, I also was holding Hammer and stroking his head, telling him, "it's ok Mommy's here", and was holding Cliff's hand, trying to keep him cooler, with a damp cold flannel, telling him that he didn't need to worry about me, that I would be alright, that I loved him, that he could rest and go to sleep. I know how that feels. I'm sorry. But I can also tell you that in a few months, although both those memories are still almost exquisitively painful strong memories in themselves, I have enormous comfort from the fact that both of "my boys" left this world surrounded by my love, with no pain or fear ... that I did not let them down, that I was there for them both. I was fortunate to have family and friends who gave me amazing support in the early days, and I'm sorry that your brother didn't help you ... I know that I would feel very hurt, angry and resentful about it. There is another way to look at this ... his behaviour is out of your control, as are his reactions, his grief is different to yours and it could even be that his initial reaction to loss is denial and numbness causing him to escape. You can only control your own behaviour, and you did everything you could, including summoning the strength to let your Mom and dog go, wrapped in the security and love of your arms. If you truly love another, it breaks your heart to do this, I know ... but you can't be selfish, you have to do it for them and no one could ask any more of you. Counselling has helped me, posting here has helped me enormously because everyone here understands what you are going through and even though they are carrying so much pain themselves, they have the empathy to help you. I have never come across such a group of caring and giving people in my life before. I hope today is a strong day for you xx

Hi Mary Linda I sent her a message a while back and she replied to say that she was on chemotherapy and feeling extremely nauseous. Sorry, I can't remember exactly when that was though. xx

Korina, I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug. After a while, I find myself getting comfort from photos, but initially, like you, they would just set me off into an almost animal howling state. xx

Diane, I am so sorry. I could cry for you. The amount of loss that you have had to cope with is phenomenal. On top of the losses, you have had to deal with putting your grief on the back burner to look after your Mom, and also look after her alone. You might be hurting at your brother not visiting your Mom because it feels like he also left you alone to deal with her illness(es) and death too. I think that's how I would feel. As you say, we all react differently. I can strongly identify with mourning the loss of your dog ... it broke our hearts when we lost our wonderful dog. Someone explained to me that grief is cumulative so losing your dog, which is an awful loss in itself, is further compounded by losing both your parents, lack of support from rest of family, stress of care-giving. A close friend of mine almost had a breakdown looking after her mother in law with Alzheimers. It is a dreadful cruel disease. It's very hard for families to not take it personally if mental health issues impact them ... even though it is the disease not the person in essence, certainly not their heart that intends to hurt you or your feelings. My heart goes out to you please keep posting - this place has been a life-saver to me, I really mean that. HUGS

Chai, it's good to hear from you :-) and even better to hear that you have support, albeit 40 minutes away, as well as counselling. A lot of people where I work don't talk to me about my loss, but there are plenty who do and they more than make up for those who don't in the long run, I have found. I can picture your "sanctuary" in my mind :-) Can't write now, as need to log off ... have appointment to get to. Keep posting, we are here for you and we love you Chai. xx

Kathy, I just found this article on the Open to Hope blog/website that I follow: I know it's a safe website because Marty writes articles for them :-) http://opentohope.com/hope/healing-the-gri...-a-small-child/ It's a good article, but even better, at the bottom there are Moms who lost adult children who are reaching out to others in their situation ... and they have even put their email addresses there so that you can contact them. xx

That's a great image :-) Me too ... it is amazing that we are capable of feeling both things simultaneously. And frightening sometimes. Mostly just very very confusing, for me!

Brian, that is a very moving poem. You are a gifted writer. You might like to put the poem in the Poem Area of this board because I am sure that others would love to read it too, and they might miss it because it's in this thread?