Boo Mayhew

Tash, I am so so sorry to hear of your loss, and I cannot imagine what it is to deal with the fact that your brother was murdered, let alone that you lost him at age 16, or even lost him at all. Perhaps you could see a different Counsellor who is more interested in you than the details! Please check that the counsellor is a Bereavement Counsellor, as they are specially trained to help you. You sound like a wonderful sister and daughter - so caring and supportive, yet I felt (reading between the lines) that perhaps you are or were pushing yourself quite hard. During the first few weeks, I think we all do that, because the adrenaline surges through our veins and our hearts beat so fast and hard in our chests (I thought I was going to have a heart attack and secretly wished that I would) ... but when the adrenaline leaves us we have to remember to be gentle and kind to OURSELVES. Grief is so tiring. More tiring than anything else that I have ever done or experienced. You are grieving as well. It's wonderful that you are supporting your parents and I think any one of us here in this Forum would do the same ... I'm not saying you should do less ... but I am saying to remember to take time for YOU to grieve too. Even if it is just one hour a day. Know that whatever emotions you are feeling are normal (guilt and anger) - it's natural. Let it out, let the tears flow, be angry. After a while the guilt should dissipate because it certainly was NOT your fault. I really tortured myself with the guilt and it was awful ... but am now sailing on a calmer sea :-) I really don't know, but would imagine that it must be hard to progress with your grief work whilst the murderers are still awaiting their punishment/sentence. I have pasted below a piece from NOVA which I think they should give to all bereaved people in hospitals instead of the list of Funeral Directors (that you can look up in the Yellow Pages in 5 seconds) that they currently give out here in the UK ... I cried when I initially read this because I seriously thought I was losing my sanity at the time, and this told me that everything I was doing and feeling was in fact a natural and what I now think of as a sane reaction to an insane event. I have just found a few articles amongst Marty's wealth of articles and weblinks that you might like to read too: http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefLossSibling.htm http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefMurderFamily.htm http://www.aarp.org/family/lifeafterloss/a...s/reations.html http://www.vdbs.org/html/study.html Here is the NOVA article: Stress and Trauma Your Day-to-Day Life Individuals exist in a normal state of "equilibrium" or balance. That emotional balance involves everyday stress, both positive and negative - like being late to work, getting a promotion, having a flat tire, getting ready for a date, or putting the children to bed. Occasionally, stress will be severe enough to move an individual out of his or her normal state of equilibrium, and into a state of depression or anxiety, as examples. But most people most of the time stay in a familiar range of equilibrium. When Trauma Occurs Trauma throws people so far out of their range of equilibrium that it is difficult for them to restore a sense of balance in life. Both "acute" and "chronic" trauma may be precipitated by stress: 1. Acute stress is usually caused by a sudden, arbitrary, often random event. 2. Chronic stress is one that occurs over and over again - each time pushing the individual toward the edge of his state of equilibrium, or beyond. Trauma can come from acute, unexpected stressors such as violent crime, natural disasters, accidents or acts of war. But it can also be caused by quite predictable stressors such as the chronic abuse of a child, spouse or elder. The Crisis Reaction The normal human response to trauma follows a similar pattern called the crisis reaction. It occurs in all of us. Physical Response The physical response to trauma is based on our animal instincts. It includes: 1. Physical shock, disorientation, immobilization and numbness: "Frozen Fright." 2. "Fight-or-Flight" reaction (when the body begins to mobilize): · Adrenaline begins to pump through the body: heart beat increases, perspiration starts, hyperventilation and hyper-alertness · Increased sensory perception 3. Exhaustion: physical arousal associated with fight-or-flight cannot be prolonged indefinitely. Eventually, it will result in exhaustion. Emotional Reaction Our emotional reactions are heightened by our physical responses. 1. Shock, disbelief, denial accompanies by regression 2. Cataclysm of emotions · anger, rage or outrage · fear, terror or horror · confusion and frustration · guilt or self-blame · shame and humiliation · grief and sorrow 3. Reconstruction of equilibrium - emotional roller-coaster that eventually becomes balanced, but never goes back to what it was before the crisis - a new sense of equilibrium will be developed Trauma and Loss Trauma is accompanied by a multitude of losses: 1. Loss of control over one's life 2. Loss of faith in one's God or other people 3. Loss of a sense of fairness or justice 4. Loss of personally-significant property, self or loved ones 5. Loss of a sense of immortality and invulnerability 6. Loss of future Because of the losses, trauma response involves grief and bereavement. One can grieve over the loss of loved things as well as loved people. Trauma and Regression Trauma is often accompanied by regression - mentally and physically. 1. Individuals may do things that seem childish later. Examples include: · Singing nursery rhymes · Assuming a fetal position or crawling instead of walking · Calling a law enforcement officer or other authority figure "mommy" or "daddy" – or at least thinking of them that way · 2. Individuals may feel childish. Examples include: · Feeling "little" · Wanting "mommy" or "daddy" to come and take care of you · Feeling "weak" · Feeling like you did when you were a child and something went terribly wrong Recovery from Immediate Trauma Many people live through a trauma and are able to reconstruct their lives without outside help. Most people find some type of benign outside intervention useful in dealing with trauma. Recovery from immediate trauma is often affected by: 1. Severity of crisis reaction 2. Ability to understand what happened 3. Stability of victim's/survivor's equilibrium after event 4. Supportive environment 5. Validation of experience Reconstruction issues for survivors include: 1. Getting control of the event in the victim's/survivor's mind 2. Working out an understanding of the event and, as needed, a redefinition of values 3. Re-establishing a new equilibrium/life 4. Re-establishing trust 5. Re-establishing a future 6. Re-establishing meaning Long-Term Crisis Reactions Not all victims/survivors suffer from long-term stress reactions. Many victims continue to re-experience crisis reactions over long periods of time. Such crisis reactions are normally in response to "trigger events" that remind the victim of the trauma. "Trigger events" will vary with different victims/survivors, but may include: Sensing (seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting) something similar to something that one was acutely aware of during the trauma "Remembrance dates" of the event Holidays or significant "life events" News reports about a similar event When recounting one’s story (e.g. to a therapist, social worker or judge) Long-term stress or crisis reactions may be made better or worse by the actions of others. When such reactions are sensed to be negative (whether or not they were intentional), the actions of others are called the "second assault" and the feelings are often described as a "second injury." Sources of the second assault may include: · the criminal or civil justice system · the media · family, friends, acquaintances · health and mental health professionals · social service workers · clergy The intensity of long-term stress reactions usually decreases over time, as does the frequency of the re-experienced crisis. However, the effects of a catastrophic trauma cannot be "cured." Even survivors of trauma who reconstruct new lives and who have achieved a degree of normality and happiness in their lives - and who can honestly say they prefer the new, "sadder-but-wiser" person they have become - will find that new life events will trigger the memories and reactions to the trauma in the future. Long-Term Traumatic Stress Reaction When someone survives a catastrophe, they often experience stress reactions for years. Long-term stress reactions are natural responses of people who have survived a traumatic event. Long-term stress reactions are most often a result of imprinted sensory perceptions and reactions in the brain and body. The most common types of long-term stress reactions include: 1. Re-experiencing the event both psychologically and with physiological reactivity. Intrusive thoughts Nightmares and distressing dreams Flashbacks 2. Numbing, avoidance, and isolation avoidance of thoughts or activities that remind one of the event avoidance of previous habits or pleasurable activities that the individual engaged in before the event estrangement and isolation reduced affect or feelings of "emotional anesthesia" partial amnesia a sense of foreshortened future 3. Behavioral arousal inability to concentrate insomnia or interrupted sleep patterns flashes of anger or irritability startle reactions or hyper alertness It is not important to know all the symptoms for the stress reactions mentioned above. If you become concerned about your reactions or how long they last, it is useful to talk to a mental health professional who is a specialist in working with people who have experienced traumatic events. © 2002 National Organization for Victim Assistance, Washington, D.C., USA. Wishing you strength and peace xx

Hi Marty I'll let you announce the information when it's published - it's more appropriate that it comes from you :-) Are you going to attend too - it would be so lovely to meet you in person! xx

Can you scatter them at each of those two places so that you are all able to visit? I think it has to be a unanimous decision - please don't let them bully you into it just because two or three of them think it's a good idea. If you intend to visit the resting place, it has to be somewhere that you can go and feel welcome to go!

here is the link for information on this year's conference so that you can take a look: http://www.sslf.org/conference.html One of my blog widow friends attended and said it was very inspiring and a powerful experience to stand in a room with so many other people who "get it" and who are in the same place as you. Michele has promised to email me information for 2010 as soon as it is finalized. I am certainly planning to go with DavidsGirlStill :-) ... so if anyone else registers, please let us know!

well, you've got me. I am crying at my desk. It's beautiful - well done for writing it. I wrote Cliff's Eulogy myself too and keep meaning to upload it here, then keep forgetting .... I know how much energy and concentration and emotion went into writing it, so I know how hard it was for you to write. On the other hand, it also helped me to write it, because I felt that I had done my best for him that way, not to mention that it helped me preserve my sanity (wrote it within two weeks of Cliff dying) as it gave me something to focus on ... I remember locking myself away in a room for two days till I was happy with it, and being coaxed to eat and take breaks by his sister (who would keep emptying the ashtray :-) I still could not read it to an audience, though ... I think you are extremely brave. I have every faith in you, but it's not a bad idea to have a "reserve" who can take over reading it aloud should you crumble (my niece had to pull in her "reserve" at my Dad's funeral). Korina, it's so strange because Cliff seemed to be home-sick during the last year. I wonder ...

Kathy, thanks for your lovely note ... I really hope that one of the two sites bring you new "friends" / support network so that you can talk with them. I am so pleased that the book helped. The stories are so written so tenderly, and there is some good advice as well as poems at the back of the book too. I think there was only one story about losing an adult child in there? Please do post here still. I know that the child loss part of the board has not been as busy as the spouse one, however, you will not find a finer group of people, or indeed Counsellor :-) Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing HUGS xx

thanks for posting this Marty. I already follow this blog and it's very good. Michelle Hernandez (the President of Soaring Spirits - I think!) contacted me the other day via my blog, to ask if I would be willing to be a "sister-widow" to another widow in the UK and I have agreed. Also, I have asked her to let me know details of the next Soaring Spirits Conference in 2010 ... I wonder if yourself and others from our Grief Healing family would be interested in going as well, and meeting up - it would be so good to meet face to face.

Laurie, I am so sorry that you are facing even more loss in your life at this time. You must be thinking, "Enough already. How much more can I TAKE? I can't do this." - I know that I have thought these thoughts myself on numerous occasions ... yet, after allowing myself to rest - to take a break from my grief work and to grieve as deeply as I need to - somehow we all manage to get up and face another day, another dilemma, another chore, another loss ... I don't know how we do. I guess we all have a reserve of inner strength that we didn't know existed until we needed to pull on it. It doesn't matter that your grandmother is 97 ... just because she has lived a long life doesn't make it any less sad when you lose her. Please be gentle with yourself. It was explained to me that grief is cumulative, so please be aware that when "it" happens, you may be hit harder than you think you will be. I don't mean to scare you at all - it's just worse if you have no idea that this MAY happen. I recently lost my aunt who was 87 (she was also my god-mother) and went to visit her with my big sister when we learned that "it could be anytime soon now". I told myself and my family that I would rather visit the living than the dead and that when I saw her in hospital (she also stopped eating, then drinking) that I would also be mentally/inwardly saying goodbye to her. When she died, my family gently but firmly told me that I should NOT attend the funeral because it was too soon after losing Cliff. What I am trying to say is that you are still raw from the enormous loss that you have suffered ... protect your mind and know that whatever you do or don't do is alright ... don't feel bad. It's a simple case of self-preservation. Please don't force yourself or let anyone else pressurize you into doing anything that you feel that you are not ready to do. Grief is so tiring. Tiring like NOTHING else. Even brushing your hair can be a chore on a bad day. One thing at a time, one day at a time, no more, no less. Don't feel bad for not being superwoman ... right now we are like wounded animals who have sought sanctuary to lick our wounds. Vacuuming the house suddenly becomes very low on our list of priorities. Instead our list reads something like: get up, wash, dress, screen phone calls, try to eat, pay urgent bill so electric is not disconnected, buy toilet rolls. I identify with your concern about support following your knee op ... I started fretting the other day, "What if I break my leg ... who will look after me?" My friend laughed and said, "you have enough to deal with already. Stop inventing possible things that MIGHT happen and adding them to your worry list. Worry about it if it happens. Family and friends would help you. Your sister would mother you for a start." The difference for you is that you know that you will need the op ... perhaps you could ask a friend/relative to move in to help for a couple of weeks? At work, I had to update my "next of kin" information and it broke my heart. It felt cruel. On Facebook I will remain as "married" because I am still as far as I am concerned. I can't deal with the whole "till death do us part" thing and choose to ignore that part! Let us know how your Grandmother is, and of course how you are too. Wishing you strength and peace today and in the coming weeks xx

Ooooops, just realized that I recommended the very discussion/chat board that you found difficult to navigate and participate in. Try this site instead. It's a UK website and has a Forum too. http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/

Here is the link to the Bereavement Support Group Site that my friend uses, as promised. Unfortunately, you have to live in Singapore to use the chat room facility .... but the rest of the website is in the public domain and has a lot of useful info, including a page of web-links which should lead you to other choices of various chat/discussion forums. http://www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg/main/index.aspx I had a quick look at the links and this site seems good and it has a discussion forum which you can join: http://www.tcf.org.uk/ and here is the link to a book that was produced by the members of the website that my friend uses. You may find this helpful as you read it, because I am sure that you will identify with other parents' stories and their pain. http://www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg/...ll_My_Child.pdf My friend's story is on page 88 (Sascha). http://www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg/...iel_Frazier.pdf As I said before, I CANNOT begin to imagine losing a child. The closest thing I can identify with is the fact that I could not have children and I grieved that (relatively much lesser loss) many years ago. When I lost Cliff I felt the pangs again. I do know what it is to lose someone you love though and my heart goes out to you. Losing a child goes against all the laws of nature ... thinking of you and wishing you strength to start your own journey towards healing. xx

Hi there, I haven't felt anger towards Cliff ... yet, and am dreading it if I do because I will find the guilt of doing so hard to deal with. But I know that many many many bereaved people feel abandoned by the person they have lost ... and it is a perfectly normal reaction in grieving. I HAVE however felt anger like never before ... so intense that it has scared me because I am not used to feeling that way at all. Let it wash over you ... try not to feel bad about it. Remind yourself that your grief is yours alone and that there are no rules written about grieving ... my counsellor tells me that it is good to feel anger (doesn't matter what about) ... that it is the experiencing of the emotion that matters .... that anger kept bottled up inside can turn into depression ... so it needs to be expressed, be it by doing your housework and yelling and cursing or smashing cheap crockery!

Oh Mary Linda, that made me cry some good healing tears :-) Thank you - that was beautiful. Hope Shadow is still being good :-)

I'm so sorry this has happened ... and agree with the others ... find a geek, they can do wonders (they did on my work laptop). I feel for you ... we manage to keep our heads above water and that takes all our strength and energy ... then something like this happens and it can bring you to your knees. HUGS

Mary Linda - likewise ... I think we are all taking teeny tiny baby steps towards the "state" that the poem describes. One day :-) Marty - thanks! Didn't think of googling it.

Deborah, welcome to our family. You are safe here, and we are here for you. Your description of losing your Deb really touched me, because like you, seven months ago, I told my husband that he could go to sleep, that I wouldn't leave him for a second, that I would always love him, but he didn't need to worry about me or anything and it was alright to rest and go to sleep. It broke my heart, but you can't be selfish if you truly love someone, you have to let them go, and you did that too for your love. We know John as "Dusky" here and he is a wonderful inspiration to me and everyone else. Such a kind wise man. And giving too. I am so sorry about your loss. There are no words really ... as you know. I just wanted to say hello. Please keep posting here - I truly believe this Board has helped me more than anything else so far. The people here, despite feeling their own pain, are so caring and giving. Take care

Hi again Kathy, I could see that you were posting, so stayed online to wait for your response. I am going to Facebook my friend now and ask her to email me the link to the Child Loss Discussion Forum that she is a member of. She lost her little boy in February 2000 and still participates in discussions online ... so it must be helpful to her, and am guessing and hoping that it will be to you too. She lives in Singapore at the moment, so with the time difference, I probably won't have the information for you till next week, but I'll get it, I promise. She is now a counsellor at a British School in Singapore. She graduated in International Relations, then became a fulltime Mom, then studied a post grad in counselling in order to help her heal and understand what she was going through. She lost her son whilst they were living in India, and she remembers feeling as though she was losing her sanity with grief and the loss. There was an orphanage near where they lived and she started to volunteer there, because her other kids were all at the local American Elementary School and she felt lost during the day with nothing to do, the loss being even more apparent at those times, times when she would have been with him normally. Anyway, one little boy endeared himself to her, showing a need for cuddles and maternal love, and he was the same age as her son ... the orphanage over there knew her situation and suggested that she take him home for a weekend, and this became a regular occurrence. Then the weekends grew longer and longer each passing week, ultimately resulting in the orphanage suggesting that she adopt this little boy before she left India to move to Singapore. He has not replaced her little boy, no one ever could, but I am positive that he has gone a LONG WAY to helping her heal. He is an amazing kid and everyone loves him. I will share with you these words that she sent me upon hearing that I had lost Cliff, and they are drawn very much on her own heartbreak. I like the words because they give me hope: “I didn’t know I could feel such levels of emotion, that my heart was that big, that devastation could be so expansive and complete … over time, that huge vast bottomless hole just fills up with love and then the feeling is almost sublime … but it takes a good long while and oceans of tears to get to that point.” I'll get back to you as soon as I hear from her HUGS

You can shed tears that he is gone Or you can smile because he has lived You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back Or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him Or it can be full of the love that you shared You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday You can remember him and only that he’s gone Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on You can cry and close your mind Be empty and turn your back Or you can do what he’d want Smile, open your eyes, and go on Unsure of who the author is, I copied poem from a Eulogy that was sent to my friend at work. I love the message and am striving to be like this. ONE DAY :-)

Nikol, let me tell you that soon after I lost my husband, I tried his cellphone .... and I also took a photo of my living room to find out if the camera's eye could see him even though I could not. I admitted this on my blog, yet have never actually told someone about either of those actions out loud. I'm sure it's pretty common, just not talked about or admitted readily. We feel as though we are losing our very sanity, and sometimes I am amazed that I haven't, let alone that I am still breathing after seven months. My personal opinion on grief is that so long as you don't hurt yourself or others, anything is okay. We all react differently, there isn't a help manual to guide you. Trying to call her is just you missing her so much, desperate to hear her voice, reassurance that she is alright where she is now ... in my way of looking at it. At 3 months, you are still in the numb, disbelief then believing stage. Your world has been shifted on its very axis. Be patient with yourself and don't worry about how your grief manifests itself. Grief is weird, tiring and teaches you things that you never even thought about before, like how deep you can fall, how much capacity your heart has to love, and empathy, not to mention putting all your priorities into perspective. You are allowed to grieve as deeply as you need to. Give yourself permission - doing so was liberating for me, and helped get me started on this journey of recovery from the immense loss that you and I have suffered. Take care, sending you love across the Aegean Sea :-)

Kathy, I feel ill qualified to reply to your post, because, although my best friend from school lost her two year old son, and she is in fact, now helping me deal with my grief (over losing my husband in January), I simply do not know what it is like to lose a child. I am told that there is no worse loss, and I feel as though I am going through hell ... even to contemplate that the pain can be worse than this does not bear thinking about, so my heart goes out to you, truly. I just wanted to say that it never ceases to amaze me how, even when I am in a room FULL of people (that I know), I can still feel completely alone. Because I am aware that he is no longer here. I strongly identify with that feeling. Others seem alien to you because your love together was unique and they cannot begin to understand what you feel and think. It sounds like a cliche but it is heartfelt. You are not alone - we are here with you, and we care ... I will listen even if I cannot entirely comprehend how great your loss is, but I will try. Sending you a hug x

Chai, I totally identify with your trepidation about walking past the phone and I empathize with your longing and sadness upon seeing sunsets and nature landscapes. I am the same with sunsets and the ocean / sea. I just get filled up with intense longing, sadness and loss - pure unadulterated pain and grief, magnified by the evocative surroundings. Very recently though, sometimes I don't ... instead, a feeling of warmth and love emanates from those sights and I am equally overwhelmed by that ... and can smile. My heart is swollen with love instead of pain and it is breath-taking almost. Eventually you will find yourself there too. I'll be honest as usual ... it's balanced ... sometimes I howl, or I feel my soul crying even though I am not outwardly ... other times I feel closer to him and the feeling is almost sublime. Memory/association sights, like music, is too hard to start with, but eventually you can. You can listen to the music and smile. You will look at nature and smile and feel only the love instead of the pain. I promise you this based on losing both of my own parents. Just as, one day, when you are ready, you will hike again. Only you will know when you are ready though, never feel pressurized to attempt it before you truly want to. I too would feel nervous about returning back to "life as normal" i.e. going back to school and old routines. Partially due to worrying about my peers' treatment of me (will they be uncomfortable about it ... or worse will they grace me with their pitying looks which I hate .... will they show empathy if I break in front of them?) and it is a similar parallel to my own experience of returning to work after Cliff died. I actually told my Director that I was terrified that people would avoid me because they didn't know what to say ... and knew that would make me feel even worse - ostracised. He communicated this effectively and to date only one person reacted that way ... amazing. Is there someone who could do something similar for you - it needn't be someone in authority, a student who is gregarious and networks with many other students can do the job effectively and would probably be taken more seriously by the demographic! It might help you settle if you phone one of your friends for a chat before you travel back there as that will gently commence your journey back there. You will feel less unease having done so, I am sure ... because it worked for me. Initially I felt physical shock, like a jolt of pain, if anyone talked about "what me and xxxxx (husband) are doing this weekend, having for dinner", or moaning about them, or worse arguing with them .... that too morphed into .... I HATED people avoiding the subject and have actually told close colleagues and teammates that. These days, sometimes I surprise myself by adding to the conversation and sharing amusing anecdotes about Cliff if they are talking about relationships/spouses etc. I always talked about him a LOT, and I think that's coming back, little by little. Two days ago I was so pleased with myself when I laughed at someone as she mock-confided in me that she doesn't have any photos on her desk (like I have) and added, "you know, I don't really want to look at my husband all day long, it's enough putting up with the real thing in the evenings" ... she is not aware of my situation and I've only just started talking to her .... she would be mortified if she knew (and probably does now) - it demonstrated the progress I have made along my journey, to me ... a few months ago, I would have interpreted that as grossly insensitive, stupid even :-) The other issue I would not be comfortable facing is this. Returning afresh for the academic year symbolizes to you .... reality, the harshness and hard cold fact that your life is going on without him very much against your heart's wishes, and it would be this that I would also find hard to overcome. Presently you are in that limbo ... twilight time ... where what happened, where he feels closer ... when you break the routine that you have made for yourself since, it is tantamount to admitting that this devasting loss is real and I actually (at the time) felt fearful ... that I was losing more of him. Actually, for me, I didn't experience more of a loss, but the firsts (e.g. if you routinely spoke by phone, or he visited you, or you shared stuff by email) were incredibly painful, so brace for impact Chai. Identify and establish your support network. Remember that it is early days ... build in "grieving time" in your day, when you allow yourself to grieve as deeply as you need to. On a busy campus, you may surprise yourself and find sanctuary ... a place to do this, that is a place of nature, away from the crowd, and this will help start the transformation of nature being the catalyst/symbol of loss and hurt, into ... release, relief, comfort and warm memories that you can wrap yourself up in. Is there a counsellor on site that you can visit weekly or monthly ... better still can you access a bereavement counsellor? You will always have us too. You are already mindful of the fact that your peers find it hard to identify or comprehend what you are going through, but instead of the feeling making you experience this as a divider ... of you being alone in coping ... try to turn this around. Talk, even if it is to only one person ... about what you are going through ... about how you feel, don't accommodate their perception of your loss. It's a start. Perhaps make enquiries of the admissions office/your tutor/mentor as to other students in a similar situation that you could meet with on a regular basis. Other little things are occurring to me ... such as, your religious belief ... is there a community that you can join related to your belief which is local to your school, or amongst the students? Also, your Dad's gift of healing, is there any facility there that you can go to or join so that you feel in touch with him in that respect? I don't know ... reiki or a meditation group, even yoga. Or photography as an extra-curricular activity, focusing on nature in all its glory. One of those things might help you commemorate him, honour him, give you comfort. I know beyond doubt that you will make him proud of you in your studies. Carry him in your heart. Be kind to yourself and don't push yourself too hard or too soon. Be ready to feel the guilt that will raise its ugly head when you feel a sense of normalcy. It's natural but NOT warranted, please just bear that in mind when it visits you. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Please post here regularly so I (and others amongst us) don't start behaving like a clucky hen. We will hold your hand and be your silent cheerleaders. Oh, one last thought. Is Em (EmptyInside) also about to return to school? Perhaps you two could exchange contact info and touch base to encourage each other along ... moral support and empathy both ways? You both seem such beautiful caring people ... with special Dads too. If you have the safety net of being able to MSN someone to sanity-check stuff it just helps to know that you aren't alone in carrying the burden of this unspeakable pain. Hope I didn't come across as an interfering old aunt ... I just care. HUGS xxxx HUGS

Thinking of you and sending you strength xx

Kim, I am sending you a big hug today. I know how these anniversaries (birthdays etc) can bring us to our knees. It's wonderful that you are wearing yellow. After 24 wonderful years together, you don't simply recover after 2 years ... I think the best thing we can aim for is to learn to live without them being here. That doesn't mean that we stop loving them or missing them. Indeed I don't want to! I was nodding my head in agreement with you at this bit: in the room when he took his last breath and I remember standing there frozen as time has stopped, it did for me! I can remember holding my breath at that time because he was no longer breathing, and therefore I didn't want to either. I hope that you have good company today, people who will cuddle you and love you. My heart goes out to you today xxxx

Kathy my friend I'm sitting here at my desk and can't really find the words, because there are none. But I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today, and sending you a huge cyber-bear hug. I think you said that you weren't going to Texas to visit Stephen's grave, so I really hope that you have some company today at home. I am here for you, as always xxxxx

oh Joanne, I hate greed so much. It amazes me that people can behave like this. Rise above it, and know that he loved YOU. I know it hurts ... yet, at the end of the day, they can't take your memories or his unwashed laundry ... and we all know that those are the things that matter most to us. And then you have this wonderful land-owner who allows you to keep visiting Denny's spot. It all balances out ... not to mention his caring work-mates who fenced it off for you. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this because it hurts so much already without others being selfish and uncaring towards you. We are all here for you - you know that xxxx

Chai! Seeing your name on the Board today made me smile, properly smile :-) I'm glad you're back and was so happy to read that some good friends had taken you out for your birthday. And equally happy to hear that you are feeling a little happiness in your own life again, and understand what you mean about the alien movie. You are braver than I. I am waiting for the Harry Potter movie to come out on DVD because I can't trust myself not to start howling! I know how much you love nature, but it's good that you are recognizing your own limits right now ... i.e. you don't feel ready to do the hikes. One day :-) You will know when you are ready, and you may cry, but they will be good healing tears instead of the deep primal gut-wrenching ones. It is unfair that you have been shoved into total adulthood, and suddenly. Your Dad taught you well though, and you have a solid strong foundation thanks to him. Likewise my parents and Cliff left me with a strong foundation and I sometimes wonder if that was their greatest gift to me. We are lucky in that respect and some people aren't. Hold onto that and smile. So glad to see you back, was getting worried (clucky hen!) xx