Cheryl

It will be one year next month that Mark died. July 4th was the last holiday to celebrate without him. Each holiday has been heart wrenching. Because we stayed home most July 4th's I thought it would be easier. It wasn't. I did the whole grilling thing with the kids. But I didn't know how to light the charcoal. Another new lesson to learn. I didn't realize until later that I had fixed all his favorites out of habit. No one ate the radishes or the cucumbers. Those would have been for him. Oh how I miss him watching me layer the ice and salt in the icecream maker. I would stress that I was doing it wrong and it would never stop churning and he would laugh and tell me, it always works! I miss him so much. I don't know how I stand it sometimes. I'm having one of those days where the rest of the world really sucks. I'm jealous of the happy people! I want to be one of the happy people. I'm not sure if I will ever be happy again.

HI Sunstreet, You are not alone, you are so wise to keep reaching out to others. Since you have been to this site before, you know this site will help you. But you might also think about attending a grief support group or even a cancer support group. I have found the most comfort with others who are like me. It was a huge step out of my comfort zone to go. But what relief it has brought to my heavy heart. My husband died suddenly in an accident and was young. Although I don't understand a loss of suicide I do understand sudden loss and it is complicated by being unprepared. There are support groups for those who have lost their loved one to suicide. Your grief is doubled by the type of death she suffered but also by the new challenge you face with your own mortality. You are on the right path. Feeling the pain of loss and fear for your own future is exactly how you should feel! Please don't let your families ignorance keep you from gathering strength. You can face this adversity like you have faced the horrible losses in your past. You are strong, look at all you have survived! We are all here for you and send our strength and support. Cheryl

Hi Kayc. My mom is also very selfish. When my husband died she was the only one who didn't get on a plane and come. She had all kinds of excuses. But the reality was that she would be uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. She let everyone else take care of my problem. Later when I told her how hurt I was to not have her by my side she acted hurt and rejected! I have decided that she will never change. I have no expectation of a mother daughter relatinship anymore. She will never be there for me. I will no longer expect anything more than casual conversation. Although she isn't as bi-polar as you describe your mom, I can relate to your frustration and sadness. There are just people in this world who have to have all the drama focused on themselves. You are wise to see the pain she is causing you and brave to be willing to step away. It is so hard. Cheryl

Starkiss I just remembered that my own sister went back to school at the age of 43. She had 5 kids and a husband. She went in the evenings and had to juggle so many home events. After her first year she found a part time job in the field she loved that allowed her to work form home and continue going to school at night. Remember that we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy and successful. There should always be a challenge in our lives and a dream to fufill. The secret is reaching those goals and feeling the success!

Thanks for posting this Marty. My kids went to Comfort Zone Camp kicking and screaming. The Disney Land Express pulled up to the curb while we were waiting for our airposrt shuttle. They both looked and me and said, Do we really have to go to Death Camp? I have to admit that I would have jumped on the Disney Land Express instead! They both came home thanking me for making them go. Death Camp turned into a real healing experience. These camps really make the kids feel like there are other kids like them. We should all remember to use every tool available to us as we look for a way to heal! Cheryl

Oh Abby, boy can I relate. At christmas I freaked in the mall. All these couples and happy family's xmas shopping. It was my first trip out of the house other than the grocery store or my in laws house. My two kids didn't know what to do with me. I just sat on a couch with people rushing by bawling. All I could think about was our annual trip to the mall. We'd start out shopping and within an hour my husband would suggest lunch and a cold beer. Couples suck! What is worse are the stupid couples who don't even like each other. They really piss you off! Hang in ther Abby. Remembering and feeling the loss is part of the healing. You are doing great. You are normal and we all have felt your pain. The more you face all these emotions the better you will feel in time. At least that is what has helped me. Big Hug! Cheryl

HI Starkiss, I don't know you at all but anyone who would tell you that you would never make it through the course seems like a real downer. Only you can make this decision. I would look at the immediate financial expense, and the amount of time that it would take to get the schooling done vs. how long you will need to depend on your family. The more personal responsibiity you can take and the less dependent you are on those around you the better. Talk to a guidance counselor at the school. Can you support yourself while you go to school? Will it take 10 years to complete or a lot less? I don't think this is a simple question. But stay positive and keep asking those questions, you sound like you want to do someting you love!!! Good luck, cheryl

Boy can I relate to not believing this has really happened. I find myself after 10 months thinking he is going to come blasting through the door any minute with a big smile and saying, I'm a lucky man! I know it's true but it feels insane that after 20 years he could just be gone. I was so young when we met. 23 years old, just a puppy trying to be an adult. He taught me everything about living life to the fullest and made me the person I am today. I miss you Mark!!

Thankyou niamh for your kind words. Dads are so special to girls. Amy and her dad spent a lot of time together. One month before he died they were able to spend a whole day together riding quads in the mountains of Colorado. He coached her for track and they often studied geography together. He was the fun one in our family, always singing a goofy song or wanting to run off and do some fun activity. I can say that he was her best friend. The three of us are attendng a grief support group for families called "New Song". The kids are each in groups with other kids their own age and the adults meet as well. It has helped to be meet kids like herself. It has also helped me, to be with other parents. We are on summer break. I think we all are missing the group. She is also seeing a therapist once a month. She has been instrumental in having Amy set goals and learn coping skills. I remember being a teen and how hard it was. Imagine teens who are suffering like all of us on the site. It's a wonder they become healthy adults. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My dad died suddenly 5 years ago and I remember my mom's pain and my own suffering. It took me about a year before I started to find real relief. I was a Daddy's girl also. My dad's example is what led me to picking my husband. They were very alike and became deep friends. I often tell my Mom that Dad was on the other side embracing Mark when he died and greeting him. I'm so glad you are close to your Mom. I hope together your journey will be easier. Big Hugs, Cheryl

Thankyou Marty, I just read the blog. It does mirror my life. Mark and I spent our married life protecting these kids, planning their perfect childhood. Providing for there every need. We thought we had complete control. Our plan was in place and we knew what we wanted for them and for ourselves. His death is a complete loss of control. Our lives are all shattered. It is very hard to see a child suffer and harder to know that you can't make the pain go away. Thakyou for telling me I'm a good mom. I often wonder if my tears and sadness are going to screw them up. I do know that I will be there for them. I may not always be at my best, but I will be there. I still want them to have a childhood they can look back on and see as happy. It's been 10 months since Mark died. I can see the changes in our grief. We are begining to be a family again. We are begining to plan family activities and begining to laugh more and cry less. I'm starting to know that we are going to get through this. Thanks again, Cheryl

I woke up yesterday ready for a great weekend, excited to go for a bike ride and work in the yard by the pool. After the bike ride I put on some inspirational music about heaven that I had given me strength the week before. Big back fire. It triggered a deep sadness and longing to be in heaven with me Mark. I kept picturing him singing the song about how awesome heaven was and it was better than I could imagine. That he couldn't wait to share it with me someday. How did this help me last week? It got worse when my daughter (16) broke down in tears. She sat at the table tears streaming down her face. Her friends had canceled on her for the evening. She told me nobody wanted to be around her because her dad died and no one could relate to her pain. She has to hide her pain and pretend that life is good. She told me she felt all alone. Forced to growup and face tragedy and pain while all her friends are worried about guys and clothes. She worries about how to survive the pain and lonliness. She was very close to her dad and a real Daddy's Girl. I know there is nothing I can say to fix her pain. Trying to tell her it's okay only makes her feel like I'm ignoring her pain and not listening. I told her I knew she was hurting and I wished I could fix the problem. I understood the lonliness and lack of support from those around her. I tired to remind her that grief surges forward and seems unrelenting but that she could get through this moment, then the next hour then the evening. She begged me to make it all go away and let her just have our normal life back. I have never been angry at Mark for dieing. But at that moment I was really angry at him for causing all this pain. He made the mistake on the motorcycle. He was goofing off and going too fast! He has destroyed our family. Just as quickly the anger left and the guilt hit me. How could I be angry at Mark? Yes, he was being reckless, but the pain that it has caused would break his very soul. His entire life was devoted to these kids and me. The last thing he would want is to break our hearts. So I just hugged my poor girl and told her it was okay to feel so horrible. That there are people in our lives that will never understand our pain. But she was doing great at survivng and working really hard at fitting in. Then we washed her dad's truck, filled it with cushions and pillows and she went to the drive-in with a couple diffrent friends. Later they met up with others for icecream at the Sugarbowl. Evening saved! My day had been stressful, too much crying once again. I was so tired and worn out. My son and I cooked hotdogs, so much for the panini's and summer salad I had planned. Just too much work. We watched a show about Hoarders on TV. Which really made me feel good about my house! I'm not sure why I made this post. Maybe I just wanted for someone to hear my story that understands. If any of you have kids that are trying to grieve it might help to hear your words. It has helped to get it out of my heart. Tomorrow is the beginning of another week. It was 10 months ago friday, that Mark died. Feels like 10 days sometimes. Cheryl

Dear Abby, We all cry for you and understand your pain. You are not alone. Grief is a club no one wishes to join and only those that are members will ever understand. I hope the words here can help you through the sadness. You are courageous to reach out. Let us know how we can help. I find comfort here because the words I read mirror my own pain and help me feel less crazy. I have heard wonderful advice from those who are farther along the path. It gives me hope for the future. I wish you peace and a big hug. Cheryl

HI Linda, I took off my rings at about 7 months. It had nothig to do with wanting to date. For me I looked down one day at my hand and thought Mark is gone. My marraige on earth is over. He is not coming home. I am a widow. I am all alone. Who am I trying to fool. I was facing his death and my loss. He will not hold me tonight. We will not celebrate our anniversary together. His ring was alone, slid onto a spiral seashell we found on the beach, sitting on a little stand. I put our rings together, grouped our precious pictures around it. They are now a symbol of our love and I am so happy each day to see them together where they belong. I daily put on a diamond circle pendent necklace that Mark gave me a few months before he died. I look in the mirror and see a circle of love that will never end. I am not ready to date. It horrifies me. I don't think you should take the rings off for anyone. It is the most personal decision I have made since his death. I have not explained my reason to anyone until now. Mark knows how I feel and that will never change. I love my monument to us. I made it on my terms with him in mind. I will tell you that there is a lot of judgement made on this topic. I am not over grieving nor will it ever be over. I will grieve until the day I die and join Mark. I hope this helps. I am curious what others think and feel about the subject. Thankyou for being brave and bringing up the topic! I wish you comfort and hugs! Cheryl

My father also died suddenly, 5 years ago. He had been up to visit me from Tucson the day before. We had a wonderful time. My mom phoned the next day crying and said," dad died". I thought she meant her dad, who was in the hospital. It took a five minute conversation for me to realize she meant my dad. He was 65 years old. My world seemed shattered for a very long time. I now know that my father's death prepared me for another tragedy. My husband was killed in a motorcycle accident 10 months ago at the age of 49. I now thank my father for passing first and welcoming my sweet husband to the other side. They loved each other so much. Please be patient with yourself and know your father loved you so very much. Cheryl

Dear Redwind, I felt the same way at two months. Things got harder and the reality of what I lost sank in. I describe it as a fog that began to lift and the pain unbearable. I knew I needed to do somethng to fix the problem! Grief can't be fixed. It's also not like a cold that you get over. Your body needs the rest it craves. But you are right in that you need to be aware of how far you take it. My advice would be to allow yourself to rest, to cry, to scream. To hide. But also set a small goal each day. Go get a pedicure. Call someone that understands and cry with them. Go for a short walk. Try everything that might bring you some relief.Be patient with yourself. Slow down, breath deeply and know that this will be the toughest journey of your life. But wyou will come out stronger. Take care, Cheryl

A month after Mark died I cleaned out the medicine cabinet. Threw out the old razors, several toothbrushes, old combs. I cried the whole time. I felt so stupid crying over things that were of no use to anyone. But they were his, so I sobbed. Since then I've managed to move his old socks and underware to a plastic bag into the closet, so I could store some of my winter things in his drawers. I even cried at that. An older friend told me I should save some of Mark's shirts or jackets. That some day my son (12) will come to the closet to see dad's stuff and may find meaning and memories. Since I can't even throw out his underware I guess my son will have alot of memories to go through. I feel pretty pathetic!

I am so sorry for your loss. She was so young. You and your family must be suffering horribly. Please be patient and open to the process. Grief is the hardest journey you will ever undertake. I have used resources from the following organization. Go to www.comfortzonecamp.org. They are a national organization and they hold grief camps for kids in southern california. They also have wonderful support groups for families and counseling services, or they will refer you to someone close. Although your granddaughter is too young for the camps they can help you find family support. I am 45 and my husband died suddenly at 49. We have two children. We attend a family support group here in AZ twice a month. You are wise too look for help. There are so many people who care and have gone through this very same thing. Take care, Cheryl

Dear Wendy, Thankyou for sharing with us your last day with your husband. I read your words and cried. I had no idea how painful death is for the surviving spouse until my Mark died. How brave you and your husband were to face such an awful circumstance and then to have such a devestating outcome. How I wish things had turned out diffrently for you. Please know that there are many people here who can help you heal and grow. You are wise to reach out and try to find comfort. Many people suffer alone. cheryl

I found a book right after my husband died that got me through the darkest days. It's called A Time To Grieve by Carol Staudacher. This book was written with contributions from hundreds of people that lost a loved one. It is there perspective of the grieving process and the things they felt and did to heal. It looks at the things we are afraid of, the things that we want to escape and the things that other people say that hurt us, plus much more. Each page starts with a thought or feeling that a survivor is having and then there is a statement, response or dialogue about that thought or feeling. It became my companion in the car, by my bed or with my coffee. If anyone is looking for answers or validation. Pick this book up. I still after 10 months flip through the book and reread the pages.

Dear Joe, My Mark also died suddenly. A motorcycle accident. We talked about a half hour before and I wanted to meet him for lunch. His phone rang and rang. Then the police showed up on my door step.I am so sorry for your loss and I know your pain. Try not to think of the future and just try to get through each day. Sometimes the pain will feel overwhelming, this is very normal.Reach out to anyone and everything that helps you get through those tough times. Many people will not be able to relate to your loss. Only those who have lost a loved one will get it. It has been 10 months for me. It is easier but still very hard.You will find people you can relate to on this site. Hang in there!

Suzanne, I often feel similar. It has been 10 months for me and I am only 45. The best advice I have gotten is to embrace the sadness and greive when I feel so alone and sad. It is getting easier for me. On the really bad days i spend alot of time crying and on the better days I set a small goal. Sometimes a bike ride or a walk. In the beginning I hid from all my friends and didn't want to talk to or face anyone. I took a big step and i am volunteering on mondays at a homeless shelter for families. I play with the children for two hours. It is a small amount of time but it has helped me know that there are people, children who can benefit from my giving. Please know that your are normal and that you are not alone. Thankyou for sharing your feelings. It helps me know that i am like you. Cheryl

Dear Goldsunshine, Thankyou for your post. My loss is only recent. My husband died suddenly 10 months ago. We were together for 19 years. I am only 45 and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm not ready to date, too many sorrow filled days. But I have this hope that someday my sorrow will soften and my heart will be free enough to love again. I'm so happy and envious of you. Please embrace this opportunity and enjoy life again. You bring me inspiration. cheryl

My husband was a landscaper, his hands were always rough, cut up and scarred. They were very large, the thumb nails were dented from fiximg equipment. They often smelled like cleanser. He loved this almond soap I would buy because it had bits of almond shell that would help exfoliate the skin and remove the grease without chemicals. We loved to go for walks, always holding hands. I wasn't with Mark when he died. I would have loved to hold his hands one last time. I never thought he'd die. I truly believed we would be together until we were old.

I miss the way he looked at me, then his big smile and the words "I'm a lucky man!"

Thankyou everyone for your replies. I truly felt alone yesterday. A very dark day. I only got out of bed long enough to cook dinner and check emails. Today I will remember that happiness may be harder to achieve than being sad but I will find small pleasures to brighten the day.I think cheese burgers with kind neighbors might do the trick! thanks, Again for being there. Cheryl