Cheryl

I understand the pain of loss and the overwhelming feeling that life is meaningless. You are right, your life will never be the same. But remember this is your life, no one elses. We have all learned the hard way that death is more than just losing the one we love. It is losing our identity and having to rebuild EVERYTHING. Try to pick somewhere to start. No matter how small the step. Do something just for you and enjoy it. Each new thing you add to your life will bring you a little joy, peace and confidence. The hardest part is making the commitment and actually following through on the steps. Be gentle with yourself and pat yourself on the back for what you are able to do.

You are smart to realize that there are limits to what you can do. I have read several studies about the importance of role models in our children's lives. The family unit being the primary source for both support and guidance for kids. The more "normal" you can make his family life the better. I applaud your choice to look at the options available to you. I also miss being my husbands wife. I loved cooking for him, being his girlfriend and having a tradional marraige. So many others don't appreciate what they have!

I had a great day working with many people I see only annualy. I didn't break down and sob, I actually laughed, and socialized. Life almost felt normal. A couple people brought up Mark's death and I handeled it with confidence and strength. I told them life is much harder now. I understand more clearly what is important to me. I let them know I was doing my best but the pain was ever present. I felt it was important not to down play the loss or the pain. I didn't feel like people were looking at me with pity today. This evening want to break down and sob, but I have decided that I need a break. I need to hang onto this nearly normal day. I will let the grief seep in tomorrow. I am so grateful that I can control the pain without feeling that I am denying the pain. I am creating a new place where the pain can rest and I can begin to start a new chapter. This is another new first and one that brings me hope for the future. Happy thought for the future and prayers for those struggling tonight, Cheryl

I think that anytime you can get yourself back into "life" it will help. Try going back for a few half days or just stop in and see your co-workers for an hour and see how you feel. Make sure your boss is aware that you might need some time adjusting. Give yourself a little push, don't expect too much too soon and be willing to reevaluate your progress.The hardest part of grief for me is realizing that nothing is going to be the same as it was. Even the things he wasn't apart of. I am a whole new person now and my limitations are far greater than they were before.

Happy B-day. Sorry it's not the way it should be. Hugs!

The best weekends I have are the ones where I have a concrete plan. No wishy, washy what am I going to do? Pre-set goals, whether they are for home projects, book reading , sports ect.. No down time. Total plan. Try it, see if it works. My other criteria is that some of the time has to include leaving the house, spending some time with others and reaching out. Plan your weekend like it was work. Good luck! Cheryl

Everyone hits feelings at diffirent points. I can tell you that I spent many hours pleading with god to just let me be with my husband. I didn't care if it was his doing or mine. I just wanted the pain to end. This thought came and went many times over the first year. I can tell you that it was at it's worst when the fog began to lift at the three months. All the horror of what happened hit me full force and I was all alone, my friends had returned to their lives and no one understood. My husbad died in an accident, we talked just an hour before he died. I won't say it's harder for me. I will say I have felt more of a shock and was less prepared for anything. We were having a normal day and then POOF, everything exploded into pure hell on earth. But I see a future now. It's glimmering and I think it will be okay. Give yourself time. Let yourself feel empty, alone and scared. Let yourself feel like you want to die. It is part of grieving and it will help you find a way out. Try to believe that you will win this battle and please continue to share what you feel. Cheryl

Simply perfect. What a smile he had! Every single frame shows happiness and love. You are so blessed. Thanks fo motivating me to do something special like this.

Thank you Carol Ann. My husband was so outgoing and always led the way. I loved riding along on his coattails. I often sit in my family room trying to push myself out the door to wave at a neighbor, only to find it easier to turn on the tv and forget. This new life is incredibly exhausting and draining, yet the longer I hide alone the more depressed I get. I guess it's all about balance. I am told that my confidence will grow as I try new things. I'm glad to know that someone else feels like me, it makes me feel like less of a leper. cheryl

I'm trying to create a new life since my husband died one year ago in an accident. I am now finding that the grief filled days of pain are less and I am grateful for the short breaks. I am finding it hard to get enthusiastic about all the changes I now face. It was almost easier to be miserable all the time. Instead of waking up crying, I just lie there wondering what I'm supposed to do to feel better. I have joined a women's bible study called "Trusting God when Life Hurts". I meet a friend for dinner before hand which gets me both the social and the inspirational evening combined. I started attending a new church, where my husbands memories can't creep in and no one looks at me with sad eyes. I still attend a grief support group with my kids where I'm able to talk and share, unlike the previous year of just sobbing. I'm doing all the right things but I'm not happy yet. I get so depressed because I am still so unhappy. Still so lonely and still so confused about who I am and where I fit in. I feel like I'm starting all over again. Like a teen just going off to college, but I don't have a mom and dad to lean on. I feel all alone. I hate every step that I'm having to take and mad that I have to take them. Yet I know in my heart that it has to start somewhere. I'll nvever be happy again if I don't throw myself into new experiences and meet new people. IT JUST REALLY SUCKS!!!!!

I'm so sorry that the pain is so hard today. I hope tomorrow is better. I think you are wise to save it for another time. I haven't attempted to go through Mark's things yet. I did manage to clean out the medicine cabinet. My kids found me crying over the yucky tooth brush, dried out deoderant and dog chewed comb. I don't know why these things bring such pain when they are only objects, but it sure does hurt.

I understand exactly how you feel. It was unimaginable to me that he could be gone so permanently from my life on earth. I think it is why I wanted to die for so long. It was just too hard to picture myself without him. I thought there were times when I was really going crazy because I could not get my brain to wrap around the idea, even though I knew it was true. Even after a year I struggle understanding who I am supposed to be now and what I am supposed to do with my life. When life feels a little like it used to before he died, I often get a jolt of reality and burst into tears. It's like I forgot for a whole hour that he was dead and then it comes blasting back.

Hi Nats, I understand how you feel. I was faced with attending a funeral recently which would have required me driving several hours and returning at night, all alone. My mental state is way to fragile to handle the stress of the situation. I hated the idea of everyone talking to me about Mark's death, wanting an update on me and the kids ect... Let alone the feelings of loss associated with my friend dieing. I chose to think about him in my own way, remembering the support and friendship he broght to Mark and I over the years. It too triggered all kinds of feelings about losing Mark, a new deep sadness that the world is going on and yet I still feel so fragile. I did find it odd that none of my friends offered to pick me up and take me. One friend sent me a text with the date and location rather than pickup the phone and call me. It makes me sad that there are so many people who don't at least try to reach out to me. Thank you for sharing with us how you feel and how you are persevering.

When Mark first died I had a lot of dreams where I was searching for him and couldn't find him. I was always wondering where he was and why he wan't coming home. One time I even dreamed he was with another womend and wouldn't even hug me. Then my dreams changed and I would see him in the distance but I couldn't get to him or when I got there he would be gone. Finally a had dreams where we just held each other. There was finally a peace to us. I would often ask him questions in the dreams but he never answered and he always seemed confused that I was so emotional. Now I am having dreams where he talks to me. He once told me how proud he was of me for trying so hard to be strong. He hs held me and it felt so real. Once I felt like we were really together and then I came swooshing back. I think some of my dreams were stress and longing to understand what happened. Now I feel like he is actually visiting me when I need him the most.

Suzanne, Tell us what you loved. Tell us what you miss. Tell us what you never want to forget. I am sure you have a picture to paint, as painful as it might be.

Thank you Tammy for your kind words. My little guy just got home. Looking just like his dad, covered in dirt talking about the lake and the hike and the Scout camp out. My husband and I spent alot of time riding quads in the desert, boating and feeling nature. I miss him so much. Larry will be my little snuggle buddy tonight and I will squeeze him harder than usual. I know now that if I'm going to be home alone I need to plan better. I need to fill my time with other things. I had way too much down time and unplanned time. I'm sad enough when they are home. Next time I will be more prepared. Another first done!

You sound angry and in pain. I get that. But to want to erase the memories of your life? I think a life without havig felt love would be far more painful than the hell we are in now. I hope we all find a new meaning and purpose. It would be so wonderful to be as happy as I was before. I refuse to give up. I think posting what you really feel is important and hearing our perspective on it may help you or at least validate that you are thinking about what life feels like right now. Praying that you find some comfort. Cheryl

I thought for sure all my firsts were over. It's been just over one year since Mark died and I am eager to feel all the pain and move forward. But I have another first. Tonight for the first time I will spend the entire night alone since Mark died. I have tried to post several times this evening but I have felt so guilty becuase so many of you are alone every night. I spend alot of time alone, I am just as sad as everyone on this site and yet I feel guilty becasue I have my kids to lean on from dinner until bedtime. They have carried me through my grief, held me up when I wanted to die. I am actually stronger than I expected to be this evening. I have kept my blessing at the fore front and have concentrated on what we lived vs. what we lost. But I can't help but remember how excited we would have been to spend a night alone. We would have planned an evening out. Dinner and wine for sure. Maybe a drive to a look outpoint just to feel young again. We would come home and walk around naked just because we could. I miss my husband, he was so much fun! Oh Mark, Please save a place for me.

MZM, I understand. I have been in the same place as you before. In fact I've been there frequently. You are feeling acute grief. During times of acute grief I find that I need to rest and grieve. These are the times when I feel like I could be loosing my mind, life feels overwhelming and very confusing. It is part of the grief journey. I think you will find that these periods of time will come and go. I often will cry for a while, write for a while and then sleep. Sometimes I will listen to music, lie in the hammock or go for a very short walk. It helps me to talk to someone I am close to and who can handle my pain, just bearing my soul to them helps me get through. Don't set high expectations on yourself when you are feeling this way. Be gentle on yourself and try not to beat yourself up for not feeling better. I find that acute grief comes less frequently now and that I am more excepting of these episodes. I am so sorry that you are having a rough week. I hope you find some relief quickly. Once I get through a period of acute grief I feel invigorated and relieved. I have new energy and understanding. I hope this happens for you as well. Hugs! Cheryl

Hi Dar, I'm so sorry your husband died. My husband also died. I bet there are a lot of things we have in common and I hope this site can help you. Many people from this site have helped me. Please let us know what you are feeling. You are not alone here. -Cheryl

Hi Tammy, I have been following your posts the last several days, seeing your picture and hearing your words, I can tell how much love you shared and how much pain you are in. I wasn't able to prepare for my husbands death because he died in an accident, but I do have a story to tell about how clear we were about our love and commitment to each other. The night before my husband died I was picking up groceries for dinner and he called to see when I'd be home. He sounded eager to see me and told me to hurry. When I got home he was lying on the couch flipping channels. He asked me to snuggle with him. I love to snuggle so I was eager to join him on the couch. He held me close and he said, Do you know how lucky we are? I said yes, I think I do! He repeated himself, "No, do you really know how lucky we are?!" I sat up and asked him what was bringing up all these thoughts. He said he had been talking to his mom and she was filling him in on his brothers and sisters lives. They were struggling in there marraiges,and with finances ect... It made him stop to notice how much he loved me, how happy we were to spend time together. How great our kids are. He sat and talked about all our blessings. He pointed to a plaque above our kitchen sink. WE MAY NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL. He said, "Cheryl I'm a lucky man, I have everything I want in life." He explained that he had a crappy day at work and a problem client that was making his life miserable, that he was feeling sorry for himself. Now he was just grateful that the important things, his family, our marraige were so good. After he went to bed that night I made two notes. The first note said, WE MAY NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL and the second note said TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY! I put a note in each of his shoes and placed them by the front door. The next day he woke me as he was leaving to work and said he had found the notes. He crawled back in bed with me, held me and told me what a great wife I was and how much he loved me. He thanked me for caring so much about him and always being there for him on those bad days. I was only half awake but we kissed and I told him how much I loved him too. Mark died that afternoon in a motorcycle accident. But we were very so lucky that there was nothing left unsaid. He was such a great man. I was the lucky one to have him in my life for twenty years. Cheryl

I think most people don't know what to do with the pain we share with them and just want us to stop. My mom can't handle any emotions from me. She'll send a nice card or flowers on a holiday or occasion but when she asks how I'm doing and I tell her how crappy things are and how painful it is. She'll ask me if it's hot still in AZ or if I'm planning a vacation soon. I've learned which family and friends to share my pain with and the others I don't talk to much.

My husband also died in an accident. He was 49. I talked to him an hour before he died and suggested we try to meet for lunch. Then the police showed up at my door step. I have replayed that day over and over in my mind. Trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out how I could have changed it. Trying to fix it. I read somewhere that part of the grief process is reliving the death over and over so that you can accept what happened. That the mind is in such shock and denial that it needs to try and review what happened and why it happened, again and again. I have gotten to a point (it's been one year) where I now have a little story that replays over in my head, but now instead of sobbing, cursing and screaming when it plays, I tell myself, "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, I'm so sad, I miss you so much, I love you". Then I can go about my day.

I am a very hyper person and find it hard to shut my brain off. I was unable to sleep after my husbands death. After several really bad weeks I went to my family doctor and told him that I needed help. My mom has been addicted to sleep meds for 15 years and also anxiety meds. I did not want anything addictive, or that would need to be increased or weaned off of. I asked him for something that he would give pregnant women. He gave me trazadone which is considered a mild antideppresent, but in small doses it makes you a little sleepy. I took a 50mg tablet before I went to bed and it relaxed me enought to go to sleep. It has been a life saver. Once I started geeting 4-6 hours of sleep I began to cope better.

Please talk to the counselor about how to show your emotions in front of the kids. Ours told us that it was very important for the kids to see me grieving or they would think that it wasn't okay to grieve. She said the worst thing I could do was pretend life was normal when it wasn't. Although the kids still probably wouldn't show me there pain, later in life when they are ready to grieve they will have had someone to model their behavior after. The only true way to heal from the loss is to let the pain out. There are many healthy ways. My kids have seen me journal, listen to music, meditate, cry, sob, plead, and throw myself into projects. They have seen me at my weakest and seen me gather strength. They understand now that it is a long process. My daughter found me cryig the other day and I told her that sometimes I just don't think I can keep going on like this, working so hard at everything but still feeling so sad and miserable. She sat and stroked my leg and sad, Mom remember how far you've come, remember how bad it was. Do you remember how you cried all the time and now look at you. You can go to work, you cook great meals, you went on a great vacation with us. You are doing so much better. I know it will get better still. I didn't even know they had seen progress! You are so kind and loving to take care of those kids. I wish you all the best!