LostmyHoney

I talk to my Honey out loud all the time, sometimes I even get an answer from him, it's more of a feeling but it comes across as his voice in my head. I also talk to our makeshift family of stuffed animals, even share my food with them as he did with them often (though they don't eat much a tast is all they need). I leave the TV on for them and even at times chose my programs at their requests. This is how my Honey gave me a way to cope with his loss, he brought them to life for me so I would not be alone. He made me promise that I would keep talking to them after he was gone. I have even told some of my co-workers about my little family and not one of them have looked at me like I was crazy. Every morning when I wake I go to his urn and give it a hug and kiss and say "Good morning Baby", and every night "Good night Baby", I used to sleep with it in my bed but have since stopped at my Honeys request, he wanted to be able to lay next to me and watch me sleep as he had done so much while he was alive. There was one time I was in bed with his urn and he told me it was ok for a while but he did think it was kinda wierd, I laughed and told him "I kept telling you I was a wierdo but you didn't belive me did you ?" He said "I belived you, just didn't know how wierd, no wonder we got along so well !" We both laughed. Rachel

My Honey and I did not marry because of financial reasons, his medical cost were high and with his income being limited Duke hospital, docotrs, and labs had givin him a hardship charity wich covered 100% after medicare. Just 1 week prior to his death he had been released from the hospital yet again, and this time he was ready to get married, he was home for 3 days stuggling. On the third day (Sunday night) he called the ambulance and had them take him to the hospital thinking he would return to me 1 more time, but he did not. Like you we just ran out of time... This site was a God send for me as I had all but locked myself into our little apartment (when I wasn't working) and proceeded to try and find some solace, or conection online in the 3d live pool game where he and I met, his online obiturary in the guest book coments, facebook and other sorted games and searches. Though they were a nice distraction it just wasn;t what I was looking for. This site has helped me a great deal !!! However I was fortunate in the fact that my Honey's sisters saw that he was happy with me, something they had never seen in him, and had feared they never would. Rachel

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to be late for work...then I realized I was a day and an hour early. The hour came from the time change but how did I gain a whole day...oh well I like it anyway lol. Rachel

Very well put Korina, Yet another of God's mysteries! Rachel

I sleept with my Honeys urn for a month I only stopped because He ask me too so he could lay in bed with me while I sleep.

Shortly after my Honey and I moved into our new apartment He bought 2 tomatoe plants and 1 pepper plant. The tomatoe plants did not do well and we got rid of them together. The pepper plant was doing well when He passed, full of peppers. It has been 9 weeks and 2 days since He left this earth, the weather is getting colder and I know Im going to lose this plant as well. I should have picked the peppers by now for sure but I cant bring myself to do it. Some of the peppers are withered, some have fallen off, but many are still loking nice and have turned red and some are still green. It seems silly to anguish over a plant but I cant help it. I just dont want to let it go. I dread the upcoming inevitable outcome....... Rachel

My Honey took me fishing in my dream last night...though we did not fish with rod and reel. We were on a boat in a lake then in to a river where I saw a school of carp like in the Japanese gardens. He told me to just reach out and grab one, when I did the boat disappeared and I was flying...almost as if the fish caught me. I woke feeling so amazing... Rachel

I went to see "Hereafter" today. The first movie I have ever gone to alone, I was ok. God Bless us all! Rachel

I am so sorry, I know how you feel about the fiance part. The hospital wanted my Honeys sisters to sign everything, the funeral home wouldnt do a cremation without consent from his only daughter. I couldnt get him to reconect with his daughter because he wanted her to remeber him as a younger heathy man not a sick man like he was. It was hard calling her to tell her, her daddy had died, when she didnt know me at all. I had answered the phone 1 time when she called, and that was all she knew. When I spent all that time at the hospital with his sister I found out he had asked her to get in touch with his daughter, but they couldnt find her. I really wish I had known because it took me all of 5 min to find her in an online phone book. I am so sorry you feel distanced from his family, that must be tough especialy now. Ill say a prayer for you ! God bless us all ! Rachel

wmjsca, Im so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, sometimes I wonder did he know and thats why he didnt want me to go with him but even if he did I still carry him in my heart now!!!! I realize that the outcome probly would have been the same but I would have felt better if I had gone to him. The pain does easy up a bit but it is diffrent for everyone. This site has help me a great deal mostly just reading through others posts but have a few of my own. It feels good to release all the troubles of the mind and you can do that here. We are all in the same boat here, though all difrent, all the same too. I wish you peace and you will have it some day, Im getting a lil at a time. God bless us all ! Rachel

A co-worker of mine had this on his granny's memorial card, I liked it and thought I would share. God looked around his garden and found an empty place. He then looked down upon the earth, And saw your tired face. He put His arms around you, And lifted you to rest. God's garden must be beautiful, He always takes the best. He knew you were suffering, He knew that you were in pain. He knew that you would never, Get well on earth again. He saw the road was getting rough, And the hills were hard to climb, So He closed your weary eyelids, And whispered, "Peace be thine." It broke our hearts to lose you, But you didn't go alone, For part of us went with you, The day God called you home. Author unknown

In my heart I believe that my Honey is watching over me, and sometimes I hear Him respond to something I have said to him. I feel Him with me all the time in my heart. I have experienced the feeling of His presence a few times as the hair on the back of my neck stood up and a chill ran down my spine, I believe He was giving me a hug. This all, I believe in my heart. My head on the other hand tells a diffrent story. My head did try to convince me it was not a good idea to be with Him, but my heart pulled so stongly that it shut my head down with a vengeance. Too many times I let my head get in the way of happiness, so now I just fallow my heart. If I had not believed my heart, I would have never got to know my Honey, and would have missed out on a great love. I still struggle sometimes but the heart will always win. I like to remain open to the possibilties, its a much happier way for me to live, and I need all the happiness I can get right now. God bless us all ! Rachel

Thank You Kat ! Rachel

My Honey past away on sept 2nd and out of necesity I had to go back to work on the 7th. I spent the whole day and many more in tears but break times were the worst. I used to sit in the break room on the phone just talking to my Honey about what ever came up. I made many people sick with how many times we said "I Love You !" in one 10 min conversation ! I got teased a lot ! Now when I have a break I just wander outside in a daze and light up a smoke and cry. I dont get teased anymore, they just look at me with pity (or it feels like pity to me). The store I work in is huge and I still have people come up to me and say "Im so sorry for your loss" which is like a knife in my heart every time. I work the sales floor and its very difficult to put on a smile and still have tears in my eyes, and pain in my heart. To greet people in a friendly manor when all I want to do is scream. This was a very frustrating place to work to begin with and now... God bless us all ! Rachel

I wish you the best ! God bless us all ! Rachel

You are so right there! Im sorry for all you have been through, but it sounds like you have a good grip on the matter! God bless us all! Rachel

Thank You both for responding! I learned at a very young age that it is impossible to know weather or not you would "do it diffrent" knowing what you do now. I was truley blessed by God when he chose me to be my parents daughter, they gave me the tools I needed to overcome sooo many obsticals in my life and not to take it personal. And as my Honey always said "Dont take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive!". He too was a blessing in my life that I will always treasure!!! I miss Him more than I ever imagined I would, and that took me by suprise...it shouldnt have though! It just felt good to get this off my chest. Rachel

Wasnt sure how I would get through a full day of work today...when I tryed to clock in at 10:00am it wouldnt let me. I looked at the board and realized I wasnt scheduled to be there till 1:30pm and only had to work till 7:00 so I came home. Rachel

This is a thought I had of how my Honey "Buck" would want me to feel, in the form of a conversation between the two of us. It starts with me and I titled it "Whisper" Whisper in my ear, whisper something clear. Whisper in my ear, whisper something you hold dear. If I whisper in your ear of something I hold dear. Will you hold it dear to you as I have held it dear to me? I shall hold it dear to me as I do everything you've given me. All that you hold dear truly means the world to me. Then I shall whisper in your ear, Ill whisper something very clear. Ill whisper in your ear of the one thing I hold most dear. Whisper in my ear, whisper something clear. Whisper in my ear, whisper something you hold dear. …..Rachel…… © By Rachel Brown

I should have just done what I wanted to do. The Firemen came and took his vitals, the EMS came and whisked him away. I waited for his call…He called we talked, said how much we loved each other, and said goodbye. I called him back as I often did just to make sure He knew …I wanted to go to Him but He said there was no need and I had to work the next day…I thought He would be ok. I woke the next morning and called, and called, and called…no answer. I called the hospital and tried to get someone to check on him…finally the voice said he was sleeping. I got ready for work and hoped he was comfortable and getting needed rest. As soon as I got inside my work my phone rings, the doctor says He is non responsive and wanted to know what to do. I should have asked more questions, thought she meant feeder tube to give medicine to bring ammonia levels down. Had no Idea she meant LIFE SUPPORT, ventilator, meds, ext …I got to the hospital and all I could do was wait in the intensive care waiting room, was there for hours, couldn’t get a doc or nurse to come tell me anything. When they finally let me see him I knew I had messed things up, I knew He didn’t want this, He wanted to be able to tell me and His sisters goodbye and slip out peacefully. We had talked about this often and I knew that, but I messed up. Later that day He had woke a little and looked at His sister and tried to talk, He didn’t see me, I leaned over Him and said don’t try to talk baby I’m here. I never got to talk with Him but I talk to Him as much as I could, and held His hand, but couldn’t hold Him cuz He had so much hooked up to Him. Monday… Tuesday… Wednesday I’m told there was improvement. Thursday 3am the doctor calls… He is dieing. I Went to His side and waited for His sister, I didn’t have any say for this decision as He and I were not married (why did they let me screw up the last decision then…). His sister let me tell them not to take off the vent as He feared a suffocation death. They left the pain meds on and the vent and we each held one of His hands as He slipped away…one final tear from Him and He was gone… Weeks later I was thinking about that moment He woke and saw His sister and said two words and it came to me that He had said “Where’s Rachel?” I pray that He heard me and knew I was right there. I should have just gone to Him when I wanted to. I don’t believe it would have changed any outcome but I would have felt better… God bless us all! Rachel

I met my Honey's daughter today! She is beautiful, and very sweet! Rachel

I guess Ive been in a daze...had a pleasnt surprise at work...it was payday today. Rachel

Im not much of a fixer but still feel like I failed...sorry thats all I can say now. God Bless Us All! Rachel