Dwaynecg

Dear Kay, I know You are right. I believe it is because Pauline and I saw this coming, like a train coming down the tracks. That was why we started preparing back in 1996 for the end, that did not come until, February 2011. We never left nothing unspoken to each other, no matter how painful at the time of the conversation it was. I am so glad we were given the wisdom and the ability of communications with each other, to have the long hard talks. I still believe it is my strong faith, and Pauline's strong faith made this journey bearable. I personally would not have wanted to go though grief without it. God Bless, Dwayne

LONELINESS, As Pauline grew weaker and the MS ate her away bit by bit every day, that was a long hard road for both of us to travel. I can never imagine what it was like for her, and the same is true for her about me. One thing that we had most of all is our true loving connection we shared. I could be hundreds of miles apart, but I always knew when she need help, not feeling well, she would wake up and would not be able to see. I would always be on that phone, before she called me. Now after her passing, we still have that connection, I do not feel alone, in our home, in our bed, I slept in our bed,the very first night. We both have, FAITH, a very deep faith at that. I know where she is and waits for me there. I follow my path laid out before me without waver. I am truly happy, healthy, and have a future. I come home, all of Pauline's clothe are still right where they have always been. Yes, someday I will take care of them, but not yet, not now. My grief consoler was always amazed at how far I had come in such a short time. She asked me time and time again to try to explain how I got to where I am at to the others in my group. It always came down to one thing. Pauline and I have this very deep Faith. It is that simple. Faith shapes every living soul, those with no faith, have, nothing to take a hold of after the loss of a spouse. It does not matter who's faith, what faith, but we all need it in our lives. That is the key message in the link that Marty sent us to. So how is it I get up every day smiling enjoying life. Helping others, it's my faith, plain and simple. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Kay, and Queenimary, No one was hurt, thank God, and yes I can still drive the van. The bid slider door will only close with the front door open. It's funny, yesterday I stopped by the body shop I use for my body work and Dave the manager said he just seen me lasts week. Now I am back for body work. You just never know. Queenimary, thank you, I know Pauline is very proud of me. She always knew that I could do whatever I put my mind to. When things in our apartment needed fixed or we painted, wallpaper, put up a mirrored wall, tile a floor, new faucets in the bathroom and the kitchen, she depended on me to do it. I was even going to do a treatment on the Formica counter tops, but she passed before we got that done. I real truly love taking care of others in need. She wanted this for me so much after she passed. I plan on just keep going in my studies, until I become a RN. I may be 60 or 61 by then, but I really feel and have the energy of 29. I know I will make that dream come true also. God Bless, Dwayne

Thank You, Lina, amw, and my friend Kay, At any age it is very hard work, but you are so right. The young 20 something's are just starting to find themselves. I also do grief counseling though my church. I have several widows and widowers, I call and talk to quite often. Help them with their journey though this grief. Today on my way home from the nursing home, I got a call about a job, I have an interview on May 25. Then I stopped by the market, and as I was leaving, a 75 year old nice lady backed into the side of my van. Hitting both the passager front door and the sliding rear door. It turns out she is a retired RN, so we talked while waiting for the police to come. No one was hurt or anything. That is the most important thing. God Bless, Dwayne

Thank you Mary and Marty, I am sure you both remember all the late night studding you had to do for your profession. Well It took the same for me. It was so fast pace taking 2 tests a day in every course, reading 3 chapters a night sometimes 4, but I loved learning new things everyday. I sat there and watched a lot of the young kids in their 20's only doing enough to pass the course, but in the end they only hurt themselves. I can say it was not easy thing to do. I had to make choices on my time, and one of them was the computer and coming here. I missed coming here very much, talking to all my friends. I will have time for that now. I Thank You Both very much, God Bless, Dwayne

Hello Everyone, I wanted to updated everyone on my nursing school. My last day of school was on Thursday. Next week I am going to a nursing home for an internship, then the state sets up my state exam at the school. I have already have had 5 job offers so far, most in Phlebotomy. I went to a job fair and had, good results from that as well, so I am on my way now. It has been a lot of hard work and late nights but well worth it. I finished number 1 in my class, at age 57 that is not bad. Last Sunday Tuffs University in Boston had a memorial service for all the anatomical donations. I went and it was really nice, and after I had a chance to meet 3 of the medical students that were assigned to Pauline. We talked for about an hour. They learned from me an my faith and Pauline, and I learned from them. They were really taken back when I told them, Pauline keeps giving, because of her I am studding to become a nurse. These are young people 24- 25 years old. They were amazed at my age how I could have the drive and focus to make a career change like that, after the passing of my wife. I told them, Pauline wanted me to pursue my dream of nursing, and now it has become a reality. I hope and pray everyone is finding peace in their life, after your lose. I have, I want that for all of you as well. God Bless, Dwayne The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Life, cannot be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

Hi Everyone, I have had positives all week long. On Monday, I was up at 3:30, drove to Harwich on the Cape to meet with my supervisor about my performance report on my Internship. I took her, ( Laura, the supervisor ), a real nice Jade plant that I had started years ago, from Pauline's Bosnia Jade tree. I trim it every year to keep the nice shape. I had rooted 3 cuttings about 7 years ago or more and now they are all over 12" tall and around 10" to 12" in diameter. She loved it. It brought tears to her eyes. She told me all the blood specimens that I had drawn, every tube of blood, passed the QA test, which means not only was the blood drawn right and not to fast or to slow, but every tube was also inverted correctly to mix the additive in each tube. She told me it was very rare that an intern would have a 100% success rate right from the start. On Monday after I got home from the Cape, a friend of Pauline's, who's husband passed away about 4 month ago, asked if I could help her clean her kitchen cabinets, so I did that for her. On Tuesday and Wednesday I went up to Greg and Donna's and help Greg, do a lot of planting in the yard, flowers, bushes and blueberry bushes. Thursday and Friday for about 4 hours each day I went up to Pauline's Dad's house and painted his garage door, and the east gable end of the his house. I will help him stain his deck next Friday or Saturday if the weather is good. I have all my home work all done for school, I will have 2 test on Monday when I return, back to school. Mary Congratulations on quitting smoking. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kat, Mary is so right, GRIEF has a way of crashing over you when think or believe that you have been doing really good. Then like being on that calm water, this giant wave washes over you, sending you down to the bottom where the light does not shine anymore. Tumbling being, thrown all about. Fight just to catch a breath. Then the light comes into view again, and soon you are back on top of the water, it is still very rough water but at lest you can see, and breath again. Sometimes it can take weeks for those storms to pass. I know I am in a storm myself right now. I know exactly what you feel. One day soon the sun will shine, the waters will be smooth sailing again, so until then we must go on, because that is was the most important thing that our spouses wanted from us after the passed, was for us to grieve, never forget them, I know I could never, ever forget Pauline, to cherish the memories we made with them, and not to dwell on the finality of their life. For Pauline, I go on. It takes courage, strength, and faith, whatever that may be for you. I know mine, and what works for me. Grief is not an easy road to travel, no matter how much time has passed, from the day we lost the love of our lives, best friend, soul mate, the very best person I had ever meet. My heart and thought are with you, my positive energy I will send your way. Stay strong. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Thistle, I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it is like to loose your best friend, soul mate, lover, I lost my wife of 33 years to Multiple Sclerosis February 25, 2011. On that day I lost my job also. I went onto unemployment, and now I am in nursing school though the Career Center at unemployment. Pauline suffered many years with MS and I was her sole care giver for over about 12 years. After she passed I was the same way, I could not sleep, eat very well. It took a toll on me. Everyone goes though grief different, and what may work for one may not work for you. It took months to get my body well enough to be able to start school. I am the oldest in my class, but I am always in the top 2%. Pauline wanted me to make a life for myself, and after 33 years together it was not easy. It is still not easy, I have to keep a sharp focus on my studies, or I would not make it. I went to Hospice support group meetings every week for over 10 months. My Hospice counselor had meetings in 2 different cites in my area. They really helped me a lot, and also having a good support group of friends, I only have a few, but the ones I do have are very understanding, and are there any time I call. Did you try the Family Medical Leave Act, for your work? I believe that this falls into that category. You may want to look into it, or call an Attorney and seek some advice about this before you loose your job. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Melina, It is so said to read that professional people like those are, cannot act with compassion, and dignity, that they should have given you. I do agree with Harry, that positive thoughts and emotions, and energy, will lead you to a more positive out look on life on a whole. I have always seen the glass way more than half full. When I come home to my apartment, I have never felt lonely, or alone. I always feel Pauline's present around me all the time. I believe it is because we were so closely connected in mind, spirit, and soul. I wish I could bottle my energy for all of you to have. I did have a big wave wash over me, I talked to Harry about it. I received a letter in the mail from the medical school where Pauline's body was donated to, and her ashes are coming back soon. It took me by surprise, because it would be 1 1/2 years, so after 13 months I was not ready yet in my mind. I was doing my Internship in Phlebotomy. The next morning, which I had to get up at 3:30 AM to drive down onto Cape Cod, to the lab for 7:00 AM . I got up went to the lab and had I did not miss anyone that day. I just had to focus on my job and think about what was to come after. Then on Saturday around 5 or so I called Pauline's brother to wish them a Happy Easter, because on Sunday I would be busy in church with choir. When he answered the phone he told me I had caught him at a bad time. They had just sat down for Easter dinner with his daughters and family, that he would call me later. I could hear Pauline's Father talking in the back ground. Yes it hurt, I was good enough to help split and stack wood for 6 hours but not invited to dinner. Well so be it. I went out to one of our favorite restaurants, and had a nice meal by myself, and I really enjoyed it. I talked to different people, that I did not even know. Pauline is very proud of me and my schooling. Just from my Internship scores in Phlebotomy and my supervisor has written me a letter of recommendation, I have had 5 job offers. I cannot do anything until I finish my school, because I am contracted with the Career Center. They paid for my schooling. If I drop out or do not finish I have to pay them back. I only have until around the second week of June, and I will be all done, then onto getting a job. Harry HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! a little late. God Bless Dwayne

My Dear Friend Kay, We all need a little pick me up from time to time. I was so sorry to hear about all the trouble that you had just gone through, but this voice inside kept telling me to call you. I am glad that I could help pick you up again. Right now I have no time for anything. My internship is going great. My supervisor tells me, I am one of the best she has seen in a long time. As of today I have over 150 successful Venipunctures, I have only missed 12 times. Not bad for only 2 weeks and 1 day. I only needed 75- 100 successful sticks, for my internship. I was busy doing the play at BCC Community College from the 23-25 of March. Dress rehearsal on the 23 and 2 shows on the 24, singing at church on the 25 the back to BCC for the last show. The first seen of the play was a young girl passing away from cancer. On the 25 it was 1 year and 1 month when that seen took place, and 1/2 hour after Pauline had passed away. I remember laying in bed with her at that time wait for the hospice nurse to come. I was holding her and talking to her during that time. I was up front ushering people, for the first half of the play. I could not watch it on that day. All in all I am doing really great, still get waves of grief, but are able to ride them out, and not let them effect my schooling, or internship. Take care everyone, God Bless Dwayne

Hi Everyone, I find it very ironic that after months of being on HOV, and have said many times in the past that if you stop and look, you will be able to find positives in your life every day. Now I am able to come back on again for a little while in between my studies, and I fine my dear friend Harry started this very life encouraging thread. I think it is a great idea, to share our positives of our every day life, as we travel down this new path we are all taking. So why now does the light bulb goes off about the positives we experience in our lives. Is it just the progression of others being able to cope better with grief now. Maybe people just could not see them as soon as I could as I progressed in my grief. I have gotten very much joy just seeing the birds coming back in this spring. Taking walks with my friend Greg. Studding hard and getting A+ grades, being selected for my internship in Phlebotomy. That only comes by studding hard, long hours, and getting A+ grade. These are just a few of my positives in my life. Thank you Harry for starting this thread on positives in our daily lives. It shows each and everyone of us just how much and how far we have come in our journey of grief. God Bless Dwayne

Hi Mary, and NATS, I am doing just fine. For years taking care of Pauline it was the same thing, 4-5 hours a night and that is it. I was always up at 4 to take care of her before leaving for work. I started at 6 am . But now there is no more getting up in the middle of the night to take her to the bathroom and back or change the bedding, but I would have not changed a thing. I cannot remember sleeping for 10 hours at a time. Last night I slept for 6 1/2 hours. Today I was at church rehearsal for our play next weekend. Yesterday I drove down to Harwich on Cape Cod, to the lab that I will be drawing blood in just to introduce myself, and make sure that there was no construction delays, so come Monday morning I will be there for 7 am . The lab supervisor was very impressed that I drove the 75 miles one way just to do that. I am already to go. Nats, glad to hear everything is going well in your life with work and your new love Brenda. Queeniemary, Thank you, I love taking care of people, I had a great teacher in Pauline. She never wanted anyone other than, me to care for her, so if a visiting nurse would have to come in more than one a week, she would tell them that they had to train me in the skills they were doing. Now I am able to use what I learned plus a whole lot more, but it feels so good, so right. I am very happy I made my choice to go into nursing. I still have a way to go yet, but getting this internship, being picked 4 out of 20 students for 5 places. I am very blessed. It is only forwards from here. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, I thank you very much for your concern, but I am doing just fine. I feel like I am 29 again. I will be able to get much better sleep now. It will be like I was working before I quite my job to take care of Pauline. I have always been up at 4 for about 17 now. I do not even set a clock. If I go to sleep at 9 or 10, I will wake up at 1-2 am . Then not sleep again until the next night. It is just the way I am. If not for all the hard study, I would not be in the top part of the classes. It will pay off in the end. I already have had 2 job offers after I finish my school, just because of my grades I have been making. From here on my classes get easer for me, so I will not have to stay up so late to study. The hard part is over for now. God Bless, My Dear Friend, Dwayne

Hi Everyone, It has been a long time sense I have been on to post a message. I just finished my Phlebotomy course today. I took my clinical final yesterday, and written final today. I have only been sleeping about 2 1/2 hours a night for the last 5 days. Last Wednesday I had to do a presentation in front of the class. I done my with power point on MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Thursday I had a test. Tuesday I had a test on the last 3 chapters, so you can see no time but to study. Yesterday I found out that I was one of 5 to get selected for our internship, starting next week. We have 20 students in my class. The only thing is I have to drive 75 miles one way, 5 days a week. So Monday morning I will be there at 7:00 AM . I am very blessed with my grades and a great teacher. It is very challenging, but worth while. I also have been practicing for a play our church is having at the community college. I will sing in the last act of the play. We have 3 performances, 2 on Saturday March 24 and 1 on Sunday the 25. We spend about $25,000.00 on this play every year. This year it is an honor to be a part of it, and it is free to the public. I also have my regular choir I do in church, so right now my brain feels like it is fried. It will be nice to do my internship, and get out of the books awhile. I have already had 2 job offers after I am done with my nursing school. It is already paying off. You just have to keep focused on your goal, and do not let anything stop you. Excesses are like noses, every one has one, but they can only stop you if you let them stop you. At 57, the oldest one in my class, and I am always either number 1 or 2 in class. Phlebotomy is very hard. I finished 4th in my class. I am VERY HAPPY with that. I will try to make it on more often now. I miss you all very much, but had to make choices, and they have paid off. God Bless, Wish all of you good health, and Happiness, in our new life, the lays before all of us. STAY STRONG Dwayne

Dear Melina, I truly BELIEVE in life after passing. I Do Not like to call it death, because we do not die, we PASS from this space of time into another realm or plane of existence. I had 2 experiences when I was a young child, maybe 5 the first time. The strange thing is they both happened at the same place. Loveland Colorado. 1. I was watching my Mother Uncle working on a roof. He had used a smaller ladder to go onto the porch roof and a long ladder to for the roof of the house. Now the were wooden ladders. I was sitting in the yard watching him work, he was all done and was brining down the long ladder. It got away from him, and fell, struck me right on top of my head. I was out. The next thing I know, I was above everyone in the living room, my body limp on the sofa, my Mother, her Aunt trying to revive me. I do not know how long this was like this. I can still see it like yesterday. All of a sudden I was in my body with a massive headache. I knew from that point on, even as young as I was, that we just pass to a different plane. 2. Same Place only this time it was winter. We had gone up to do some Pheasant hunting. Us smaller boys could not go. So we played around the farm. Behind the barn was a river. In Colorado, for those of you who do not know the water runs fast in the rivers, because, the rapid change in the altitude. Well boys being boys, we had to play on the ice. Mom called us in for lunch. Me being the smallest in size, my 2 younger brothers took off for the house, I took a different angle, well I fell though the ice. The water was ice cold and moving fast. In seconds I was a good 100 feet from the hole in the ice and just moving further away. All of a sudden, it was like a glove of a higher spirit in the hand of time, had wrap around me and pulled me back to where I fell though the ice and gently laid me on the rivers edge. So does life stop when these bodies of ours fail and give out, NO, we just pass on to a different plane, a high level. I know you remember when I had my operation on Pauline's 5 month date of passing. July 25, 2011. As they woke me up in recovery the last thing I saw was Pauline's face, HAPPY, HEALTHY, SMILING, even the same hair color I had dyed for her 5 weeks before she passed. As you know, I am in nursing school. I only sleep 3-4 hours a night. Many mornings, I have woke up at 4 AM with my light on, glasses still on and my book still in my hand, only to study some more before school. Some times it is my Bible in my hand. After school I lay down for about 1-1 1/2 hr nap. Many times, I have been woken up by Pauline's voice, just saying BABE. I will look at the clock and it is exactly the time to feed our little dog Sugar. I miss being on here, and talking with all my friends on HOV. I am doing well, school is going great, I have finals in Phlebotomy next week, clinical and written, so study, study, study. That is all I can do now. God Bless, all of you, I pray for good health, mind, body, and spirit. Love to All, Dwayne

Hi All, I have positives happen everyday of my life. Yesterday, Greg, my friend who hand that real bad motor cycle accident, last May is doing much better. We went for a walk in the wood around the Dighton Rock state park. Then I went with him to test drive a car for Donna to look at. On the way back he, asked me if the "Pie Lady" was open. So I called and we went and he bought 2 pies, so we had a great day. Saturday is Pauline's 1 year she passed. I am at peace, I have the day planned, and my week has been good. I have been working on things for school. I have a presentation to do. I have the power point done, and will finalize my note before the end of the week. My subject is MS of course. I am the greeter at the church, Pastors Father does it, but in November he told me when he is not their he wanted me to do it for him. He needs a heart valve replaced, so I have been doing it for 2 months now, plus singing in the choir also. I sing on Sunday. Life is great for me although I miss Pauline in the flesh, she is always with me whereever I am at. I did not go to my Hospice meeting, last night, I felt Greg needed me more, and I was right. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, I have not been on for so long, and when I read this thread it just tugged at my heart. It hurts me to hear you in pain, not knowing from day to day what to do. This is quite normal for someone that has lost a very deep loved one like you and I and many others on here have. I enjoyed reading about taking your helicopter ride and scattering the ashes over the golf course. That in it self was a very big Sept towards healing. You have my numbers PLEASE call anytime, you need to. I have been doing fine, I still have that drive and burning blaze inside me. I have been doing well in school 3 courses and not one of the under a 97% final average. My last one was a 99% final average. Now Monday, I start a new course, but I have to study all the time, late at night and up at 4 to study before school, so that is why I haven't been on to much. Becky, everything will be ok, it takes time, and, as we all know, grief has its own time limit for each and everyone of us. On February 25 is Pauline's 1 year date of her passing, I have already made plans with some friend for the day. I hope you can find great peace and comfort in your life, like I have found in mine, mostly by helping others in need. I get 10 fold back when I help someone who needs my help. I miss not being on here more and the interaction with everyone. God Bless, my Dear Friend Becky Love Dwayne

Dear Melina, Laughter is the best medicine we have. I remember when I was able to laugh again. It was the best day in a long time. Loneliness, is something I do not feel. Yes I miss Pauline and the human contact we had, but I feel her every day with me. When I am at hone I am at complete comfort. From the very first night I slept in our bed on her sheep skin, and again at complete comfort. I think it is the very close bond we share. Everything in our home we did as a team. Her ideas, her designs, my work. Just 2 days ago I came across a tape in our camcorder, from about 6 years ago and Pauline was taping all the work I had done in our place, and she was so proud or the work and her design. Of course I cried. I am so glad I found that. As long as my heart beats in me she lives on, so no I am not alone. I may be one person, but with two hearts inside, hers and mine. My chest is a blazing fire with Pauline with me all the time, helping me, guiding me. It is real as real can be. I wish everyone could feel what I feel. True comfort, True peace. That is my hope I offer others. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Melina, I am so sorry you thought I was preaching to you. That was not my intent at all. I know what it is like to go though grief alone, no one come by. Not one of Pauline's family members have ever step into our home after she pasted. Her oldest sister has not called once. So I have done my grief work alone, and on HOV, and working the Hospice support groups. Those have helped the most. Getting involved back in my church. Death re-wrote my address book. I am just built different is all. Nothing you did was wrong, it was what you felt, but after, you question if the people you were seeing were taking you serious or not. Do your patients question you? This past August I met a man named Dennis. I had not talked with him for maybe a minute or less and he opened up to me. He had lost his wife also. Something drew me to this man sitting down by the water. We talked for about 1 1/2 hours. Every week he would come down there. Then he told me that no one had touch him in his grief the way I was able to. I call him once a week to make sure he is doing ok. It is amazing how we can make an impact in someone's life when they are at the bottom. Now he says he cannot wait for the call, so he can get his weekly dose of Dwayne, to lift him up. That Is what I do. Not everyone understands it, I just say it is a gift I was given. You do yours in your office and you are I am sure really good at it. People are just drawn to me, my gentle manner, always a smile, always a positive attitude, it has been that way all my life. Now after Pauline passed, I have found a way to use it, to help others in need. I respect your feelings, I understand when you say where were they for me. I know I have to go to work, but now not just a job, but a passion to become a nurse. I just got my grade for Anatomy and I scored a 97 on a 500 question final. I am on my way. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Susan, I would love to have all those same things that you would like to have. My wife Pauline passed last February 25,2011. It is not easy to go forward into a new life without them. She made me promise her I would. She had, Multiple Sclerosis for many years. I was her soul care giver. It was en stage MS that she passed from. One thing MS done for us, was we had time to talk and plan out everything. We left nothing unsaid. It is still very painful, but for her I go on. I am now in nursing school and doing very well. I cannot fail. I never failed her in 33 years. I focus on all the great times we had in our life, that gets me through, not the end of her life and her loss. If we stay there it is very hard to come out into the light of life, the land of the living. It is very hard work to do. Take your time, focus on yourself, eating healthy, sleeping, exercise, it all helps to bring life back into you. Be gentle on yourself. Try to find a local hospice support group. Talking face to face with people who are going though the same thing really helps. I hope you will find peace and comfort. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Melina, I believe when your old therapist saw you, she felt safe. To let out emotions, that maybe she had no one else who would understand, what she is going through. We are, YOU are, she knew that. No matter how it came out she was reaching out for some support, from someone she knew under stood. I always reach out to people who have just lost a loved one, whenever I can. I give them comfort that what they are feeling is very normal. I think it is sad that you let that opportunity slip by, so what if you both shed tears together. I have many times, and I know I will many more times. We just do not help each other on here, but others in and around our life, no matter what the pain it may bring us. It also helps us to heal, from the inside out. My grief counselor, I trust her 100%, she calls me almost every week to check in on me, just to make sure I am doing ok. I am very grateful for her. My church I reach out to others in need, it may not even be over a loss, I always look for ways to help. It helps me grow into a better person, and a better nurse down the line. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, I always like to talk to you, you give me positive energy after and that is what I need now. I am doing better, but still having a hard time concentrating on the tests, making stupid mental mistakes. When I get home I feel so tired and just sleep for a couple hours, before I can do anything. I am still dealing with Pauline's Aunt's apartment getting everything out, I know that does not help either. I will just keep pushing through and pass this course. I have a long weekend coming up, so that might help. I go to my hospice meeting tonight, I know that will help me also. Well I have to keep studding. I will keep you updated. God Bless Dwayne

I know, I talk to my Doctor before he gave me a new script. We have always been a team. He is a very good Doctor, asked a lot of questions, finding out what exactly was on my mind, Pauline, like it was just a month after she passed. All I want to do is to curl up under the covers and sleep. That is not me, that is not who I am now. He said it is time for an increase. Plus one of my other Medications, I was off for a week. I knew they were sending me a new card a the start of the year, but no one told me the old one ran out December 23, so I had no Medication for anxiety for over a week. It is no wonder I crashed. Today I am feeling a little better again. It will take some time, but time right now is not luxury, in a fast pace course we will be though in about a week an a couple days from now. Thank You God Bless

Dear Stacy, Number ONE THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL!!!!. I think deep down inside you know if he had not been taking those bath salts, his mind would have been clear. You have no way of knowing how much he had taken after he left that morning. Yes it is easy to feel guilty, I did after Pauline passed. That was my BIGGEST emotion was guilt. Why I do not know. I took the better care of her than any husband would have. She is the reason, I am in nursing school today. Is it in your subconscious that you really want to be with Deric, and that is the driving force behind these dreams, or is it that you just keep living that moment in time over and over again. I think that you are just having a hard time wrapping your mind around all the things that went on in your young life. Your brain is still developing skills and ways to process experiences at your age. Stacy you are doing really good in life. You have made goals and are reaching them one by one. Go easy on yourself. I just had my Doctor increase my Med's so I can focus in school. Grief is different for each one of us, how and the time we go though it, each in our own way, own time, some seem to take years to be able to take that first step into a new life. You have already, maybe just to keep busy, but it is a positive step. What you experienced was so traumatic, you might even have PTSD from it. They say I do from being a long term care giver, over 4 years. That was why my health declined this summer so fast, it was PSTD. Maybe you should seek out more help along with what you are getting now. But Please Stacy, YOU never asked for this to happen the way it did, I know it is hard, But IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. God Bless Dwayne