Dwaynecg

Dear Mary, Out of all the emotions and feelings after I lost my BELOVED PAULINE, was GUILT. I know that nothing I could have done could have changed the out come for her. After talking with all her Doctors and nurses, visiting nurses, hospice nurses, wound nurses, and by the way I sing in church in choir and music ministry, with one of Pauline's wound nurses. They would only come once a week, because I did it all the other days, and everyone told me that I did the job, just as well as they did. So after some time for all that to sink in. I have no guilt now. I was sent into Pauline's life because, the man up stairs knew she would need the best care giver, he could find. And find me he did, I was her gift in life and she was mine. Even having to take care of her for so many years, I would not have changed a thing. I quit my job to be with her 24-7. My job and the money I made did not matter one bit. It was Pauline who was and is my life. I now move forwards for her, because I promised her, I would become a nurse on way or the other. I left the guilt behind months ago. I have never been angry either, because if I let myself feel anger, it would mean I would be angry towards Pauline, and I will not go there. Our loved one never asked for the illness that took them from us. So doing your best as a care giver is NO FAILER, and being in grief is NO FAILER either. How can we fail at grief? It is just something we have to go through, no matter how hard it is at times, our loved ones wanted us to move forwards in our new life without them, but we will never forget them. They are in our Hearts, Minds, and Souls. Our spirits are intertwined forever. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry, I know what you mean by the best Thanksgiving EVER. That was mine with Pauline last year. She knew she was failing, so she had me cook a turkey with Portuguese stuffing, like always with all the sides, and of course my homemade gravy. She also wanted a prime rib roast, and a ham. I cooked all of it for her. She only ate a little bit of everything, like a fork or two of each, and that was it. But it was the best EVER. Today I am very thankful, for all my friends on here, and Donna & Greg, and all the other wondreful, people I have met after. I am VERY THANKFUL for starting nursing school on Monday. I am Thankful I can sing in my church choir, I am Thankful that I was accepted into the music ministry at church where in time I will be sining with the band on a live MIC. I am Thankful for my dear fried HARRY, who is the best, and helped me out so much when I needed it. I to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I wish the best for each and everyone today, that you all can find some PEACE and COMFORT, without our loved ones by our side. This is the first year in 33 years, when a turkey and all the fixings, were not cooking in my home. I did make Pauline's cheese cake, and her Sweet Potatoes casserole, to take up to Greg and Donna's today, so Pauline will be with me today and forever. God Bless Dwayne This is one of Pauline's monkey friends, she sent this to me today, to lift my spirit. I hope it does the same for you. Her name is Emily

Dear Dave, One thing that I have found, is photography. I always took pictures of Pauline, and some very good one at that. Real close ups, with her and her helper monkey sleeping together, with her Rose Breasted Cockatoo. I started taking all kinds of pictures now. I really enjoy it very much. Taking pictures at night, birds, butterflies, flowers, and sun rises, and sun sets. People just doing daily things, shooting in black and white. I always like taking photos, but now I have my camera and tripod with me all the time, so when I see something unusual or something. I start shooting, I may take 50 pictures of one thing, just to get that one great photo. Just something to think about. It takes my mind to a different place for awhile. Which we all need to do from time to time. God Bless Dwayne It has been said, TIME HEALS all WOUNDS. I do not agree. The WOUNDS remain. In TIME the MIND protecting its SANITY, cover them with scar tissue, and the PAIN LESSENS, but is NEVER GONE.!!!!! ROSE KENNEDY

Dear Mary, That poem is just beautiful, it made me cry the fist time I read it, and even now it still bring the tears. It was I who was always up at 4 to give Pauline her medication and take her to the bathroom and back. We would get back in bed, and I would hold her until sleep fell on her again, I could never go back to sleep, so I would do the same thing, make her fresh coffee, and her breakfast at 8:30- 9:00. I would serve her in bed. We would eat, I would clean up the dishes, and she was ready to get up. I would wash her, comb her hair, always with a smile and telling her how much I loved her. She would go on the computer for about 4-5 hours. Then it was nap time. I would lay and hold her, until it was time to make supper. Everything Pauline had is still in its place where it belongs. I know some day I will have to face that also, but not today, or next week, maybe next summer, I do not know. I find such comfort having her things close by. She is part of my soul and always will be. God Bless Dwayne Rose Kennedy, once said: "Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them"

Dear Stacy, About your dream, it was real, just like the time that I saw Pauline's face. They were, waking me up after surgery on July 25, Pauline's 5 month date of her passing. As they were waking me up in the recovery room, the last thing I remember is see Pauline's beautiful face, Happy, Healthy, and smiling, even with the same hair color, I had dyed it for her 5 weeks before she passed. It lit a roaring blaze inside me, that is still there today. She was showing me she was alright and with me always. Deric, I do not know, seeing he was taking that stuff he was on, must have done things to his brain, that made the final, end of his life, happen the way it did. From what I have read about him, he was a great guy, with a lot of positive things going on in his life. If not for that stuff he was taking, you would not be on this site today. I think what he was telling you in your dream, was what you are doing already, making a very negative, sad, horrible moment of your young life into a positive motion forwards, into a new life, and he is telling you it is ok, to move into the positive, but you will never forget him and all the great memories you two shared in life. I think you are a very brave young woman to make the movie, and bring things into the spot light. As far as sleeping, I could not sleep either, and I am still on a sleeping pill along with some other medications, to help me cope with my great loss. I still only sleep about 4-5 hours a night. But that is the way it was for years taking care of Pauline and her needs. I always put her first before anything in my life. Now I have taken what she taught me as being a care giver for so many years, and I start my nursing school on Monday the 28 of this month. So I to have taken a great loss, the worst in my life and have turned it into a positive, where I will be able to help many people for the rest of my life. Stay strong, and it is ok to cry, letting out those feelings are a healing for you. I cried for months, and still do from time to time. I was crying today up at Greg's and Donna's as we talked about Pauline and all the people she touch through her computer. After I felt better. Never give up or give in to grief. Just ride the waves to calmer water again. God Bless you my friend, Dwayne The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Life, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

Dear Mik, I know how hard it is, and the guilt you are feeling. Of all the feelings and emotions of grief, guilt was the biggest one for me. I do not know why, because everyone said that no one could have been a better husband and care taker for Pauline. Her father told me in all his years in the Navy and working in the private sector, he had never met anyone who worked as hard as I did. When I set out to do something I never quit until the job is done. But with Pauline, as hard as I tried everyday to keep her healthy, by eating and cooking healthy food, keeping her spirit up all the time, by focusing on the positive things in life, and never the negative, but in the end, it wasn't in my hands. I think that is why I had so much guilt. It took months and a lot of Hospice counselor, for me to come to terms with my guilt. I am glad you are going and being brave to have those talks now, and not wait until after, then it is to late. I find it amazing how many people, when faced with the ending of their loved ones life, never have those hard to face and emotional hard talks about final wishes. I think that some how we all should be educated on just this kind of thing. To help each and everyone of us to be able to face death and understand what the other one wants for final wishes. It really made it a lot easer for me, because I knew years ahead of time every last detail of what Pauline wanted, and what I wanted as well, as her, because it is a two way street. We do not know what it is like to die yet, and also they do not know what is and will be like to go on into a new life without them. We each only know our own side of things to come. I wish you all the best, and I hope you can find some peace and comfort in the days ahead. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dave, I think that they have always started the Christmas music way to soon anyway. Even before I lost the love of my life, Pauline. What is so odd though is in church we will be singing Jesus Messiah, this coming Sunday. I love to sing them but not listen to them on the radio, if that makes any since, I do not know. I will be a different Christmas without Pauline this year. I do not know yet what I will be doing. I do know I will put up a couple of her favorite decorations for her. It will bring me comfort as well. God Bless Dwayne

Dear MIK, What you are going through now is Anticipatory Grief. It is very common for a person to go through in the months before the loss of their loved one. I lost my wife Pauline almost 9 months ago to MS ( Multiple Sclerosis ). She had it for many years and it ate her away very slowly until her final couple of months of her life. I had worked my job for 27 years and quit for what would turn out to be her last 2 1/2 years of her life. We lived together for 3 years before we were married. We were married for over 30 years. I agree with Kay the paper does not mean anything. If I was you, I would not wait until after Thanksgiving. Why spend it with your family any way if they do not understand and care about your feelings. You need to be with him. You should ask him about your antique business on E-Bay, and ask what he wants, even if his other partner is there. You should not wait to find out about his wishes. One thing I learned, with Pauline having MS for so long we started planning in 1996, what she wanted and when. We talked about everything through the years. We left nothing unsaid. The one thing I hear a lot in my grief meetings are that, the loved one left behind, never asked the very difficult questions. Please don't what until it is to late. Go to him and spend the holiday with him, talk to him, cry when you need to, keep coming back here for support. I will help you as much as I can. Stay strong for him now, and be with him, and talk about what he wants to be done after, then fulfill his wishes. It will be better for you, to talk to him and understand his wishes. It will be hard to do, but at least you will know what he wants. Then you can move forwards from there. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, I think it is time to find a new drywall guy. That is one thing I can say, is that I am never late to a job or whatever. In 27 years at my job, I could count on one hand the times I got in late. I do not understand how they can run a business, like that, in today's time, with so many people out of work. I hope that your shoulder heals soon for you. The cold will only aggravate it more. If you can, put it in a sling for a few hours a day. Keeping it stable will help it heals faster, along with a lot of protein, and vitamin D. God Bless Dwayne

Thank you, Marty, Mary, Kay, and Walt, Kay I definitely agree with Marty, and Mary. You have helped me out so much, and always giving encouragement to others, as well as great advice. You have been down the path of grief, far longer than most people on here. You as well as many others on here are great givers. You have touched my life, and helped me to find myself in the land of the living again. You are inspire ring to many people, even when you find yourself in such hardship these days. Pauline, prepared me well for my life ahead, helping others the way I had helped and gave everyday for her. I am ready, and in the right frame of mind now, to not only be the oldest in school, but I will be scoring the highest of the bunch. I THANK each and everyone, who has given me, so much encouragement, over all these months, not to quit on my goal, but to reach it, and now to try my very best to excel in a new career, but it is still what I did for years. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, You said what we all feel. I have, everything of Pauline's still out, all her personal items in the bathroom, bedroom, even all her clothes are still in the closets. I know someday I will have to tackle all the. I looked for her keys but could not find them. We had our ear pierced, on our 10 anniversary. I wore mine every day, then about a month ago, somehow I lost it. It broke my heart so bad, I cried for over an hour. Do you think I could find hers. No, so I took some cash that Pauline had set aside and bought a new pair. I needed to feel that connection again. Just the little things, need to be done. My filing is like yours, I had to re-image Pauline's computer, well mine now. I needed a software key. Do you think I could find it. After hours of searching, there it was right in front of me all the time, right where, Pauline always kept her codes. I felt so stupid, but in the end, it was where it should have been. Go figure. God Bless, my friend, Dwayne

Dear Harry, I will keep them in my prayers. I will send them all my positive though I can. I wish them well, and will find something to be thankful this time of year. God Bless, my friend, Dwayne

I MADE IT TODAY!!!!! I was pulling into my primary Doctors office, for my 3 month check up, after the C-DIFF, and my cell rang. It was my Career Counselor. He told me I have the final approval and I start school on November 28, the Monday after Thanksgiving. After such a great loss of my Beloved Pauline, I truly have something to be thankful for. I got my TB test today and blood work for other diseases, on the list for school, and they called in my first shot for Hep-B. I go back Monday for the reading of the TB test and the shot, I pick up at my pharmacy for the Hep-B. Things could not have worked out any better, if I tried to plan them. So Yes I am very thankful on this Thanksgiving Day to come. Pauline prepared me well, and I know she is very proud of me and will be watching over me. How can we go from one extreme to the other in almost 9 months. I am truly grateful, and very blessed in my life, from the time I met Pauline in Kansas, on a rainy day in May, 33 1/2 years ago, up until now and on into the future, I am Blessed. I Thank All of you Great people on this wonderful site, giving me encouragement and great thoughts and Prayers, THANK YOU!! God Bless, each and everyone of you, Dwayne

Dear Harry, I to have found laughter again. Mine came on Saturday or the Columbus day weekend. My friend Greg and I went to a big yard sale, then for breakfast. We were cracking jokes all day, and hadn't laughed like that in a long time. After the day was done, I said to Greg, it sure feels good to laugh again, and for a moment he did not understand, what I meant. Then he realized, I was talking after Pauline passed, I could not find laughter in anything. Now I enjoy it again, and your are so right, laughter is good medicine. Along with the tears, when we watch movies like you watched. I was lucky, Pauline and I watched them together, on DVD's we rented. Now when I watch movies like that, I cannot help but to cry also, for my deep love lost. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Lucia, We are never prepared for the sickness, and bad health, that comes our way after we take those holy vows. In today's world, a lot of people, say those words but never take it to heart. The first time their loved one is sick with a disease, the other one runs out of the house, like it is on fire, and never looks back. I meant my vows, I lived up to them like all of us on here have. Because we found our TRUE LOVE. When we have lost them to death, our hearts are shattered into a million pieces. We try to put them back again, but always find a few, pieces that never seem to fit any where. So we go on in life with the holes, where our loved one was once was. We try very hard everyday in this grief we are in. To try to make sense of what has happened to us. We can only live in today, because tomorrow never comes, and we can never go back to yesterday. We hold on yo all those great memories of our loved ones, looking for that comfort we got from them. For me, I made Pauline a promise, to move forwards in my life, so to honor her I do. I have found great peace in my life. I still miss her and cry for her and those waves of grief washes over me, but I move on, because, that is what she wanted for me. It can be real scary to move forwards in life. Which path will I follow, how do I know it is the right path in life, we don't. I move down my path in life, the way Pauline and I lived our life together. She is still with me, in my mind, heart, and soul. Still guiding me into my new life, and I trust in that, and that alone. But to forget, never. I focus on all the good memories, and leave the bad behind, because it will only bring me down. I wish and pray you will find the great piece inside, that I have found. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Deborha, My loss hasn't even been 1 year yet, let alone six. I too miss Pauline more than ever. But if it meant more years of her suffering so much, as she had done, the last 2 years of her life, no. She passed with such Grace, knowing the end was drawing closer day by day. In my Hospice Grief group meeting this week, we talked about all the emotions, and feeling we went through, or are going through now. One emotion, that all the others have, and some still have is great anger. I have never felt anger, towards the disease, MS, God, or the fact that Pauline passed long before her time. We knew in the mid 90's what her final out come would be. We accepted it, and lived life to the fullest every day. No regrets, no what ifs. For me if I expressed anger towards the disease it would mean, I would have to be angry with Pauline. That is one place I will never go. I could never be angry at her. She had, nothing to do with getting the disease, it just happened. I told them as far as being angry with God, NO, after all he brought us together. Pauline being from Massachusetts, and me from the mountains of Colorado, and we met in a small town in Kansas. He brought us together, because, He knew she would need the best care taker possible, and out of all the people He could have brought into her life, He chose me. I was the very best care taker for her. She was always first on my list. Never second. If I had to leave work, because she needed me, I would and without regrets. She made me promise her I would move on in my life, but never forgetting what we shared together. TRUE LOVE. So I have found my peace, in her best friend, Donna, for around 30 years and her husband Greg. Going back to our church, where we started going to over 16 years ago. Joining the church choir, helping others in their grief, starting to go to nursing school at age 57, where I will be able to help others in need. This is how I honor Pauline, by doing what she wanted me to do. A lot of people cannot understand, my progress. Do I still cry, do those big waves of grief still wash over me? Yes they do, and I still cry for her, but yet everyday I move forward into my new life. I have learned to laugh again, and that was the best moment, after she passed. It took months to do, but I have found laughter again, and that helps me heal from the inside out. I hope that one day you can find the great peace in life that I have found. Her passing was nothing that either of us had control over. I think a lot of people who grieve such great loss of their true love, feels like they could have controlled things different, when we can't. Because the out come is always the same. We have lost them and are alone, but it doesn't mean we have to stop living our own life, that was given to us, long before we met our soul mate, best friend, lover, wife or husband. We can only live in today, because tomorrow never comes, and yesterday, we never go back to. Live for today, and today alone. God Bless Dwayne

Hi Everyone. MY FUNDING HAS BEEN APPOVED at the local level. Now it has been sent to the executive Director in Boston. As of yesterday he had done any of the final approvals, so it should be any day now that I get the FINAL approval. I could start school on December 5, 2011. That is Pauline's birthday, I got my local approval on the day Hospice had their yearly remembrance, for all the loved ones who have passed before us. It was a very beautiful service. I will keep you updated on the final approval, when it comes through. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Sharon, I like that poem a lot. I learned about 4 months ago, to open my eyes, lift, up my head and move forwards into my new life, because that is what Pauline told me many times over all the years of her illness. Not to get stuck in grief and move on even if it is slowly. That is what I do everyday. I get involved in something everyday to keep busy and help others. I had this man I know at my church come up to me after service, His name is Denise, he lost his, wife 2 years ago, and is having a very hard time. The first time I talked with him was in August at the church picnic. I talked with him for over an hour. Lifting him back up again. Anyway Sunday he waited for me and told me he needed his weekly dose of seeing Dwayne and all the positive energy that I protrude outwards. It makes me feel great that I can help someone with just words of hope and positive energy. God Bless Dwayne

Hi, Just a quick update on my funding. The Director, start funding more applications yesterday, and at 2:30 mine was still pending. Please send me all your warm thoughts and prayers my way, so that I will get it this week. If not that is ok also. I have a lot if work to do in that apartment. There is so much filth all over, thank God no bugs any where. Just a big mess. I think I have counted about 12 holes in the walls to be fixed. Any way I will let you know if I get funded this week or not.I also started in a new music ministry at church. The ones who sing with the band on the stage at every service. It is a lot of fun, I enjoy to sing so much. It helps me heal my soul. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Debbie, I know your pain you feel, along with the emptiness, and broken heart. My wife Pauline passed, February 25, 2011. It has been very hard to move on in life without her. She hag MS, ( Multiple Sclerosis ) for many years. That is what took her in the end. I have never felt anger over her loss, because if I felt anger, that would mean I would have to be angry with Pauline, and I will not let myself go there. I attend hospice grief group meeting every week. I have for 7 months now. I find it has helped me a lot, and I also got back involved with the church that Pauline and I attended before, she got so disabled that she could not go anymore. I find that to be very helpful also. It takes time, to make any progress, because grief is so individual for each one of us. All I can tell you is that you, being here is the right place to be. We have all been where you are at, and there are so many people on here you can give you help anytime. Just keep coming back and write whatever is on your mind. I hope that peace and comfort will come your way. It is so new for you that it is hard to tell which way is up or down. Just breath for now and not worry about tomorrow or the things we cannot change, They just are. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dave, I have seen waste way beyond that, food so fresh and good, just dumped into garbage cans. Pauline ha d an operation in Providence RI. at RI Hospital back in 1994, a Nissinfundlrplitation, where they take part of the stomach and wrap it around the top and uses tubes, to be sure it is not to tight or to loose. Her valve was not working and she hag Gurd really bad. This was the only way to fix it. And it worked well until her passing. Anyway, The hospital had a new way to help deal with patients after surgery, which was a coop center. Brand new. The room was like a luxury hotel room. I did a lot of the care and the nurses did not have to come around so often. One very nice modern for that time hospital bed and a big queen size bed for me, Well all she could have is clear liquids, They had a cafeteria where I would go to eat and bring back clear broth or maybe jello for her. Well one day, now we were there for 2 weeks after surgery, I went down to eat late. I got my dinner, and the food was like a five star hotel, with professional chiefs cooking meals, always 4 main courses to choose from. Well Pauline was sleeping, so I went and ate, as I was eating, the staff started clearing the food out of the warmers, so what did they do all the food left over was just dumped into 55 gallon plastic trash barrels. I asked what they were doing, they told me that all the left over food got taken out to the garbage, and discarded. I could not believe my eyes. Roasted half chickens, potatoes dishes, vegetables, deserts of all kinds, cakes puddings, now all this is five star quality food. Just unbelievable. I asked why they cannot take it to the homeless shelters. They said it is State Law any uneaten food has to be thrown away. Over the course of a year it must be several hundred thousand of dollars in wasted food. It just blew my mind. When so many people struggle every day just to maybe get one meal, and here is all this top quality food, just dumped away.I am glad that you could make good use of the produce, You are a good man, Dave. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, I never heard of that movie. Where did you watch it or did you rent it? I would like to watch it. I guess I could look it up on the Internet. Thank you for sharing. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, You are in my prayers today, and tomorrow. I wish you nothing but PEACE and COMFORT, in your heart and soul. It is just over 8 months for me. You are so right, most people search all their lives and never find the TRUE LOVE, that we found. It is and was the very best that life can offer someone. I read a lot now all kinds of book at one time, from medical books, novels, small paperback books. I think right now I have 5, I have been reading. The medical books to get me ready for school, terminology, dissector of the human body, Gray Anatomy. I read in something everyday. Also studying my music everyday. I find it helps me out a lot to keep my mind active and learning new things. I am so thankful, that I was able to find peace amongst the hell of grief. I try to keep on an even plain in my mind and spirit. That is what Pauline wanted for me. Not to forget, how could I forget all the good memories over 33 years of bliss, but to move forwards with my life. Randy would want the same for you. It takes time and patients, and we all go through grief different. When you walk into your home in Florida, just breath and feel Randy holding your hand and wrapping his arms around you, to give you comfort. I will be with you also, my spirit will help you as you walk in for the first time, and each time after that. Take care my friend. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, and Harry, I watched that video, and thank you Marty for posting that. I have a different take on life. I am not living in the moments of grief every day, I miss Pauline more than live itself, but on the other hand, because of the length of time we had to deal with MS every day for years, we learned that we could not change the out come, but we could change how we look at life and live life. That is something that a person who deals with loosing their loved on in a short period of time 1-2 years are nothing when you compare it to the real sachem of life, in the number of years we live. Pauline told me time and time again, Grieve yes, but don't life in the finality of the end. Move down the road in my new life. I tell you it is very hard to do, but I told her I would so I am. I will never forget, but I will go on. So I have changed, my out come after Pauline. I tried different roads to get to my goals, until I found the one that works for me. I am still learning my life as I go forwards, but going forwards I am. I find joy in every day, even when my brakes on my car let go on Thursday on my way home. I could have panic and hit a car, but I kept my focus and used the E-Brake, and everything was fine. When I got home I had a check for $435.00 in the mail, something I did not expect. I call it money from heaven. Now I had the money to get my brake fixed. I drove to church and back only using the E-Brake and diving very slow and cautious. I went to my friend garage. Pauline's brother who lives in the area pick me up and I went to their home and what did we do. Spit wood for about 5 hours. We worked as a team, and it went fast. We ate, then he took me back to the garage around 2, because he was going hiking with a friend. I got my car fixed and had a wonderful day, filled with laughter and joy, I could talk with Pauline's brother Wayne and his wife Shirley, without the tears falling. Why because I have learned to look at life differently and understand, that no matter how hard I tried to stop the MS and keep my beautiful wife, my best friend, my soul mate, and lover, her with me in human form, there was nothing that could have been done to change the out come. Because if there was, then she would be here with me today. So I accepted what life has given me, the good and the bad, and there was a lot of bad over the long time with MS. So I move on like Pauline wanted me to do so much, that was very important to her, and I promised her time and time again, to grieve but not let grief control me. I will learn to control it, and I have. Do the waves still wash over me and through me all over the place, YES they do, but after I get up dust myself off, and look towards tomorrow, where the sun will, shine bright and a new day rises. I remember, the first time I was able to laugh again, after Pauline past, and it was wonderful, because I though I would not enjoy laughter again, but now I do. Grief is such a personal thing in live. We all travel through our time in grief so different, HOW can we teach children about grief, when it is something that they may not have experienced yet on any kind of level. I think we could talk with them about the tools we use while we are in grief, to per pair them that way. To use the tools in life, like we do everyday for other problems we encounter, everyday. But to be able to teach what grief is like, I really think that it is something they will not comprehend, until they are faced with it themselves. So lets give them the tools, to be able to handle grief in a different way than all the generations before them. You can experience grief on different level, by when one life is change so much by a serious accident, that changes their life forever. These people experience grief also. I have seen this first hand with Greg. He is just now after months of recovery, start to something back that resembles his life before. I have helped him every step of the way, to understand, that his is going through grief also, like I am. This work I have done with him, has in lighten me so much as I relate to grief and how I was dealing with it, That If I want any kind of life again. I had to step back and re-examine, myself, and how I was handling grief, and I tell you it was not pretty, so I had to re-adjust my lens on life and what I wanted out of all my years I will have without Pauline. It will be another life, a new life, a different life, one that I will make my own again, but in a much better way, because of Pauline and the life we had together, and the horrible disease MS, that ate her away little by little over many years. The things I learned to do for her, will make me a great nurse, to be able to help someone else, with their life, in appositive way. That is what, drives me into the future. The great gift Pauline gave me. True love. Something that will never leave me, no matter how long I live without her by my side. She lives in my spirit of life. I will and am making her very proud of her man. Just like I did all my life with her. I only hope and pray that you will all find your own inner peace, like I have found, because when you can, it releases the grief on your life just a little bit. I will always grieve for Pauline, but in my own way, on my own terms. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, I called my counselor yesterday around 4 in the afternoon. Now the day before the director said he was going to fund more applications on Thursday, but for some reason, he did not do any. So now my counselor does not know when it will happen again. So I wait patiently until it does. I started doing a handy man job yesterday, for Donna's Mother. She is 93 and owns a 3 tenantment house. The second floor was where her grand daughter was living with her boy friend, and she was on about 20 different Medications from the same Doctor for the same problem, depression. All those Med's she became toxic in the brain and went into a coma for almost a week, she was lucky to survive. She is in a hospital now getting help, so they want me to get the apartment, redone and ready for her return. It is a mess. The boy friend punched holes in the walls, and the carpet needs taken up. A lot of work. Then when I was on my way home a mini van was in front of me and the driver was not paying attention, and all of a sudden it swerved to the right and there was this small car waiting to make a left turn. I was only going about 30-35 MPR. I hit my brakes and it was raining all day so the roads were wet and when I hit the brake I start red to stop, the then peddle want to the floor. I blew a brake line. I jumped on to the E-Brake and got stopped about 15 feet from the car. So to day I have to take my van to get it fixed. I just hope it doesn't coast to much. God Bless Dwayne