Dwaynecg

Dear Harry, You are a great man, and Jane is very proud of you today, even though the media outlets, only like to push all the negative stories anyway. So do not beat yourself up over it. It is not something that you can control. As far as 11 months today, my heart goes out to you. Harry in a way you were lucky. I had to help Pauline in and out of bed, in and out of her wheelchair, on and off the toilet for over 2 years, so 1 month I know it is something that was hard for you to see and do, because Jane was so full of life, and lived life to the fullest everyday. But one month doing those things, probably impacted you more, than it did me, because I knew years in advance what and how the MS would progress in her, so I was ready in my mind to do anything and everything I could do for her. That is what, drives me to become a nurse. I had the good teachers in all the nurses that had to come over all those years. In the year 2000, I had to take off work for 6 months to do IV treatments on Pauline twice a day. I know what you went through. I lived it everyday. Find some peace Harry. You know where I am and you can call anytime. I will always be here for you my friend. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, Being born and raised in the mountains of Colorado, I know snow. When I was just a young kid going to school, by 2 older brothers would have to walk in front of me up to the bus stop, because the snow was so deep it was over my waist sometimes chest deep. It would be nothing to get 2-4 feet of snow. In the summer we would hike up to the high mountains lakes to fish for the brook trout, and in the middle of August, we would wake up to our tents be covered in frost inside and out, and the lake could have a skim of thin ice. Those were the days. Now I deal with the snow, not because I want to but I have to. The snow is very different here. It is a lot wetter and heavier, than we would get in Colorado. I used to ski, from when I was about 9 years old. I loved it, I am trained to ski in after an avalanche and find people who where trap under the snow. That was very intense training, and very eerie, to ski in after and look for the lost, always hoping we would find them before, they would run out of air, and the life would drain out of them. Sometimes we could bring them back, and also we could not, we would find them to late or, they suffered live ending injuries. I can see in my mind the very first time I skied onto the avalanche field, and start the search for 3 skiers. It was always those who skied outside park area and would get into trouble, even though signs were posted all over. I still have my pin we got after the training. See even way back then I always tried to help others in need. Mary, Bills arms are around you, all the time, like Pauline is here with me, I feel her presents so strong everywhere I go. So is Bill, just let your mind, go, and open your soul to his, they are just on a different plain that we cannot see. If you cannot feel his feel mine, as I reach out for you and comfort you with my warmth, telling you everything will be okay. I love that you are painting and doing something that makes you feel good in our new life. God Bless Dwayne

Dear LOH, I am very happy to hear that you have set some new goals in your life. That is what I did , and it helps keep my focus on my future that, My wife Pauline wanted for me so much. To be able to move more into a positive directions, and not live in those final days of her life. I can see and hear it all so vivid, but I choose to honor her, by setting goals and making them come true. I have made one goal, that is to sing in our church choir and excel there, which I have. Now as we write and read our posts, I am waiting to hear about my funding for nursing school. I was told yesterday by my counselor that the director is going to review, and approve more applications today for re-training funding. I should get it, because, last week mine was one of about 40-50, that is still pending. It is a totally new start for me. But sadly one I was being trained for many years, taking care of Pauline. Giving her the very best care she disserve and needed. Was it any easy way to hone my skill, and ready me for nursing, no it was not. At the end having your heart ripped out, and you soul has shaken to the core. It took a lot of inner strength, to fight my way back into the land of the living, but I made it. Today I do my first Handy man job. My grief counselor at hospice started a list for someone you would recommend as a handy man. She put my name first. So my first job is not even from the grief group, but just by word of mouth, from a friend I had told about the list. You keep going and moving forwards towards your goals, and you will make it. At times it will be hard when that wave of grief washes over you, but after, get back up, dust yourself off and take another step towards you goal. I wish you well, and may you find peace inside your soul. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dave, I prayed that you would find peace yesterday. I know how hard it is, and would do anything to have Pauline back again, but only healthy and happy, She was always a great shinning light of life. She lived every day as her last with no regrets at all. But to have her back in so much pain, she suffered with for years, no. I only try my very best to remember the good times, and focus on my future. She wanted that for me so much. Not to live in the finality of her life, but to move forward, into a new and very different life. I have not changed a thing in our home, only the bedroom set. We would do that 4-5 times a years. I already know what I will change for the winter in the bedroom and kitchen. Dave, may you find the true inner peace, that I have found. When I saw Pauline's face that day in recovery, Happy, Healthy, even the same hair color, I dyed 5 weeks before she passed. It lit a fire inside me that burns stronger today than ever. I go on for her. So must you for Mike. He does not want you suffer and be locked in grief. I know easer said than done. Dig deep my friend, reach into your soul and bring out the good again. Live your life a new. Live life for Mike. His was cut way to short. Honor him in your life, by moving forwards with peace and grace. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Cheryl, I cannot understand how, in the middle east, that, men can treat woman like this. It is mindless, to me. Even in our own country there are men who think as a woman as property. Like they are not even human. I think that, men like this are not real men at all. The greatest gift we as men can have is a loving woman, who we respect and love them back so much, that I would have given my life in a split second, if it meant to save Pauline. You are right we are very fortunate to live in this great nations, where we respect all woman. I am glad you posted this. I will be doing some handyman work for widows in my area. And I feel great to do things that they cannot do themselves, and are afraid to have a man come into their home that they do not know, so I stepped up and was first to put my name on the list. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, Soft tissue tears, take a long time to heal, especially rotator cuffs, because, there is so many muscles and ligaments involved in that area. My Niece, is a PT, she sent me to a site where I got Greg a lot of different range of motion and very mild strengthen exercises to do. They have really helped him a lot after his accident. We first worked on getting him on his feet again. He was in bed for almost 4 months, flat on his back. I have worked with him for almost 3 months with the PT. Now I have on with the upper body, mainly his shoulders, and that includes rotator cull PT. As a matter of fact I worked him out today, after I took him out for awhile. My Doctor told me I should look into becoming a PT if I do not want to do nursing. If you want I can e-mail them to you in PDF files. That is if what you are doing gets you no results. Just be patients and take your time with this. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, I am so sorry about your beloved Basset Hound, I would be lost without Sugar, she always greets me, so excited when I come home. Even if it just 10 minutes. I understand about the birthdays, Pauline's is December 5. What I did not expect was my birthday, being in tears, off and on all day. I spent it with Greg, and took him to Salvation Army store for some clothes. That was one of Pauline's favorite places. It was the first time in the store after she passed, which was just 4 days short of 8 months. Then Greg cooked dinner, for me, and Donna got me a cake. But the tears flowed and it was ok, because Donna understood, an knew Pauline for so many years as best friends. I don't know how I will handle Pauline's birthday. I may be in school. I should find out tomorrow about my funding. I did not get it on Friday, mine was one of 40-50 yet pending for the funding. The director had a big meeting up in Boston today. My counselor told me he asked the director, to get me the funding, he believes it will happen tomorrow, because when the director has those meetings in Boston it means they got more funds. I am sorry for going on about me. My focus should be on you! All we can do is try our best on those days. I try not to be alone. I will go for my walk and put some flowers in the bay at the bottom of my street. Pauline liked to take her wheel chair and go down to the water front park in the summer. Everyday I walk, I go down there and reflect on all the good and best times we shared together. I was Baptized, 16 years and 1 day, from when we first went to our church. A lot of tears that day also, but also joy, as the pastor reflected on her life and the gift she gave me, and the man I became over all the years of her illness. How it was a true loving marriage. I believe it was the same for you and Randy. I wish we could have met a long time ago. We were all four connected to Abilene, it is truly amazing, how life brings people together, under the darkest of circumstances. I wish you well my friend Becky, may you find some kind of peace in the days to come. If you need someone to talk to call anytime. I always have time for you. God Bless, my friend Love Dwayne

Dear Melina, Last evening I was invited up to Pauline's brothers house, to watch the Patriots, football game outside projected onto a big screen on the back of the garage. I had a great time seeing nieces, and others I knew, that I hadn't, seen for a long time. Around half time, I was in the house, and a woman named Liz, that has known Pauline and I for 30 years, started talking about her father's death 2 years ago. I thought that was very insensitive of her to do that in front of me. Too soon and too much, so I just walked away and went and sat by one of the fire pits they had burning. No one else was there. The tears flowed, I did not hide my emotions, it took a good 15 minutes for me to get back into the frame of mind I was in before. But all in all I had a great time, and no one talked about death again. On a happy note it was so good to sit and laugh again. It is the best thing for the soul. God Bless Dwayne Put a smile on your face when you see this.

Dear Deb, That is a beautiful painting. I can see your light coming back all the way out here in Massachusetts. By the words you speak with a powerful meaning behind them. You are a gifted person. We all have our own types of gifts we were given in life. My is in helping others. I radiate a light that draws people near my, who just want to be around me. I found out That I can laugh again in this new life, and it is ok. Laughter is a very good healing thing to do. It takes time to get there, but when you reach a place in this new life, and be able to laugh again is a joy est moment back into the land of the living. I have found my inner peace with myself knowing that I had done everything I could have, but yet I long for her human contact again. Knowing I will never have that again, I have found new things, and very different thing to engage in, that brings me joy. Singing in my church choir is a real enjoyment. Meeting new people, even if it is for just a brief moment, brings me back to life. I really like that you were able to enjoy the great works of art again. Each positive step forward we make, brings back the light of life again. You know music is the one thing that touches us deep in our soul. We all can bring back favorite songs, that have a happy memories attached with them. Names, faces, we may forget over time. I by no means refer, to our lost loved ones, but someone you may have met years ago, but yet we all remember, a song from our childhood. Deb is that one of your paintings? If so you are very talented. Here is something that will put a smile back onto any face. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Melina, Yes, people can and will be very insensitive at time. They are living in their own little bubble, not knowing, the words they speak can cut someone in grief right down to your core of your soul. When I hear things like that I just walk away. If those people really cared about you and your feelings. That would have sent them a very strong message without words from you. Your fellow workers, are not worth the time of day. They know what you went through and are still going through, again just walk away and find new friends, who have more respect for you as a person in grief. We all know that there is no time table to follow, nor should we. I had an experience, when I pick up my new glasses. I got to the eye ware place when they opened. I took the stairs, and as I opened the door to the hallway leading to the store, an older couple came out of the elevator just ahead of me. I walked into the store right behind them, well wouldn't you know, the store only had, one person show up for work on time. The wife went first. The woman told me she would be with me in a few minutes. After 15 minutes another employee showed up, By this time there were 3 others behind me waiting for help. The new employee asked who was next. I said I am, well the woman husband said he had glasses that had came in to. I told him ho rude he was, to take the only other person to help him, and that he had no respect for others, that he could not even wait for his wife to get finished. He said " well you don't have to get mad about it." I calmly told him I was not mad, but hatted RUDE people. It took me another 20 minutes to get help. I told the person who waited on me they were wrong to take him next, when they had, four others waiting, and by the time I got done there were a few more. When I run into rude people, I tell them so, most of the time it shuts them up or they leave, because I embarrassed them, for their actions or words. It works very well for me. So Melina, you do not have to hide away in your home, just be brave, and tell them when they are insensitive, because it is not us it is them. It will make them think twice before they open their mouth again. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Melina, I haven't reached one year yet. But I know by talking in my grief support group meetings, and I go every week, both run by the same hospice counselor, but two different towns. So I see different people in both groups, and almost everyone in the second or more years dealing with grief, has said that the second year is very different than the first, and is a lot harder to get through. I think that it is true, when you have had that deep and true love in your life. I really do not know what that means, when people say just get over it. Get over what? The loss of your best friend, soul mate, lover, husband or wife. You really never "get over it", you always have them with us. In our hearts, souls and minds, all the good and bad memories. How can someone expect a person to forget that those feelings of true love, those happy memories, we all have, and of course the bad one also. We just cannot take an eraser and wipe our minds, souls and hearts clean of those. We never will, so we find a new normal, back in the land of the living again. I do not have any idea how year number two will be for me. I know the 8+ months have had many waves, up and down. But we will survive, because that is what our loved ones wanted from us. To go ahead in life, but never forget, NO. We will never forget I wish you find peace and comfort again in your life, like I will try to find in mine, because Pauline wanted that for me. She told me many times over the years, to grieve, but yet keep going forwards in life. God Bless, you Melina Dwayne The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Life, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

Dear Kay, and Marty, As soon as I find out something I will let you know. If the funding is gone before my name comes up, I will deal with that too. I think I will be getting a lot of calls, to do repairs, and things for a lot of people in the next few weeks. I was with Greg today, and we stopped by Donna's mother house. It is a 3 family house, and on the second floor apartment needs work, done. She remembered me and Pauline. She knew her for years also, through Donna. She told me she always like Pauline, and even though she had MS, she was always dressed so well, and that I took, good care of her. So next week I will probable, go with Greg to her home and do some work for her. I told her it would be an honor for me, to help her out. Greg and I went out and got a repair kit for her denture, and I fixed a tooth that had came out, for her. So like the energizer bunny I just keep going, always finding someone to help out. So if I have to wait until the next round of funding, then that is what I will do. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dave, Its really not the length of time, you had with Mike. It is all about the love you found. I was very lucky, in a way, to have my love, best friend, soul mate, my Wife, Pauline, for 33 years. You talk about a dream, it is a whole another life. I have found peace in my life. I still cry and let the tears flow when a wave hits. I have had more tears in my grief meetings the last 2 times, than I have had for many. Even at church, the tears are falling again. But it is different tears now, than at first. I loved her so much I had to let her go, not to suffer all the pain from the MS. As much as it hurt, I know she passed with such grace. Not one complaint or regret. Last breath telling me, " I LOVE YOU TOO! ". I find comfort in my home, because we were a team. Her ideas and plans, and I made it happen with my doing the work part. That is what, gives me the great peace I feel in my home. Not changing one thing. I already know what I will change the bedroom set to in a few more weeks, and kitchen curtains also. Because that is what we did every year. Peace comes from deep inside you, to love someone so much that you know what they will say before they say it. To feel what they feel. Pauline was sick for many years, it was just the two of us. She told me time after time, that she wanted me to move forwards in life, so for her I do, and from that it gave me the great peace in my life. Mike would not want you to stop living your life, and you will always have all those special memories, of the happy and best times you spent with him. That is what you focus on. The positive feelings and emotions he gave to you. It was a gift, you had with him. Like Pauline was my gift in my life, and I was hers. You were a gift to Mike, to be there for, and with him, when he needed someone so much. You were that guy, and always will be. Never let that go, never give up, or give in. We all had that true love, that, people look a life time for and never find it. We did, you take a deep breath, and know that we are all here for you, and it was not a dream at all. God Bless Dwayne The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Live, can not be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

Hi Everyone, Well here it is Saturday, I waited all day yesterday for word, that my application for the funding has been given the funding, that just came in. Now I have to wait until Monday, to see if I get the funding before it runs out. My counselor is doing everything he can to make it happen, hr knows how much I want this and will see it through. So I just have to be patients and it will happen when it is suppose, to happen. I put my name on our hospice grief group list for a Handyman. It is something new that we are doing, because so many widows, do not feel comfortable with a stranger coming into their home to fix the small things they can't. I told them I would be happy and honored to do it. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, That is a great picture, and a wonderful memory, Thank you for sharing that with us. God Bless Dwayn

Dear Mary, I have a very good female friend. Donna who was Pauline's best friend for about 28-29 years. She feels very comfortable with me, and we can talk about anything, just like her and Pauline had done for so many years. I have said to her many times, I am glad that she can find comfort when we talk, and the same for me. I can tell her anything, and know what we talk about is just between us. We tell no one what we have talked about, even her husband Greg, who has, now became another of my best friends. What we tell each other we do not tell others. I am bless to have 2 best friends in my life now. It is a very good feeling, to be with them and, they understand when a wave comes over me, and tears flow. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Ken, I for one have not touch or moved, or have gotten rid of anything yet. For me things are different. I was the soul care giver for Pauline for over 11 years, that was when I took six months off work to give her 2 IV treatments a day. After that I very rarely worked 40 hours a week. Before that I was working 45-48 hours in 5 days. I never worked on weekends, although they asked me many times to. I always made it clear the weekends were for my wife. I feel a peace in my home surrounded by all of Pauline's things. She had an eye for interior design. Everyone that comes in here has said it looks like a home you see in the magazines. It was her eyes, her telling me what went where, but we did it together, always. So I find my home a place of peace. I really like being home alone and surrounded with all the things she made into our home. I still have all her clothes, I will probably tackle that next summer, but not now. Her sisters have already wanted to get into her jewelry. I told them no not now. Pauline did not want that, she told me. See with MS, ( Multiple Sclerosis ), it eats you away bit by bit over many years. They first seen MS in her by her eye Doctor, he could see it on the optic nerve. When she told her neurologist, he just let it slide. It would be another 5 years before the diagnoses was confirmed. 1993, so we had years to talk about anything and everything, about what would happen as the disease progressed, and the end. What she wanted. In a way it was better that way. I never wanted to loose her to MS, but knew we had no choice. I know where she went in spirit and soul, and she waits for me there. It is not easy by any means. But do what makes you and gives you comfort. That is what I have done and it helps heal the soul, and the very big hole that was left in your heart. Keep coming back, and tell us anything you are going though, because we have all been where you are at now. Best advice, take care of Ken, eat healthy, even if you do not feel like eating. Get plenty of rest. If you have to go see your DR. for help. I thought I was ok, until it wasn't. I got into an accident, that's when I knew I needed help. My DR. put me on some medication, that has really helped, to get the chemicals in the brain evened out. I sleep much better, I eat more healthy and exercise every day. I have came from the despair of grief, back to what I call the land of the living again. I wish you well Ken. God Bless Dwayne

Nats, I understand what you are saying, and like grief we all go through it different. The same is said for a new relationship. For me I am not ready yet. I have my goal of becoming a nurse first. That is my number 1 right now. I need the training and then a job. After there will be time for a new relationship, but for now my focus has to be on my training. Being on unemployment just does not cut it. Living week to week and bleeding money, if you have a job that covers all your expenses plus things you like to do, well you are blessed. That is my goal now. I can do it and it will happen. I will find out Friday at 11:15, if I start school on Monday the 7, if not my next start date is the 21. I just don't get it. Down in Washington all they talk about is getting people back to work, but yet they have not released the funding for the Career Centers, that was supposed to be sent out on July 1. How can they do this. The funding will help train people in jobs of today, and it will get them back into the work force, which in turn means more revenue coming in. It is that simple, but yet those in Washington, cannot see it that way, so I wait until they do, whenever that will be. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry, I think that was a very big and positive step you made to carry out your Halloween tradition. Over at my house, we lived here for 21 years, and you could see the kids and families, on the street in front, but they never would come up the walk or the drive. I can count one hand the number of kids we had gotten in all those years. I took Sugar, ( my little dog ), and went around the village area, we live in. I bet there were 200 kids and parents in this 8 block area. It was fun, and different, something new to do. We were out about an hour, then came home. I lit a candle for Pauline, I do that very often. You take care my friend. I will see you soon. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Ken, I am so sorry for your loss. October 25 was the 8 month passing of my wife Pauline. We were together for 33 years. She had MS, so it was a very slow process over many years. No one can, tell you what is right or wrong, because we all grieve different, and in our own pace. I started going to my local Hospice group meetings, as soon as I could. I believe it dose help, when you can talk with other people, who are going through the same thing as you. I try to go every week. The hospice I go to has group meetings in 3 different city and towns near me, so I go to the closes ones. They are run by the same counselor, who I feel very comfortable talking with. I welcome you to this amazing place here. There is a lot of people, who can help and heal your broken heart and soul. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, You said it all, " how could I ever settle after having the BEST. " Those are my same thoughts as well. I have had many woman, of all ages approach me and start a conversation, yes it is nice, but that is all. I have to many things I want and need to do before I would ever be ready to start a relationship, if ever. I have, good friends in my life now and that is just fine. I can be myself, cry if a wave hits me, and it is OK. They knew Pauline as well as I, they knew, the GREAT love we had and still have. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Deb, I understand all the emotions you are going through. Moving into ma new life, with so many happy memories of the last, that wrench our hearts out anytime and any place. Yesterday, I was Baptized in the church that Pauline and I started attending on October 29, 1995. It was fill with many emotions, Happy and Sad, that Pauline was not their in the flesh. I could feel her spirit in me and with me all day. I had to bring 2 sets of clothes, because after service was choir practice. Something new in my life. I met a nurse that had came to our home for wound care on Pauline. I knew the face, but it wasn't until she told me who she was that I could place her. So here is another connection to Pauline, that at the time when the nurse was coming over, I could never see or imagine that we would be singing together some day. I wait now until Friday to see if a week from today I will be in school. You just never know what life, has in store for you, as we travel down our path. I Wish You a very Happy Halloween, God Bless Dwayne

Dear Susie, You said it all about finding someone else, to bring into our homes. For one I have no intention of taking off my wedding ring, or taking down pictures, and most of all I think I would always be trying to find another Pauline. Which I know I never could. It would not be fair to the other person either. It is a real dilemma when we are both so young in life. To think that I could live 30-40 years easy, but yet stay alone the whole time, that doesn't seem like I would ant that either. So what to do, for now I will just focus on my goals and let things be for now. Maybe in a couple years, I just don't know. That is the difficult side of finding your true love, soul mate, best friend, then they are gone, after a lifetime together, but I could live another lifetime, pretty close to what we had together. Our new lives are filled with so many difficult decision, as we travel along. My Father in-law was seeing another woman just a few months after Pauline's mother past. I just don't get that either. Did they fall out of love for each other, or did he really could not stand to be alone. The woman he married is like Pauline's Mom in a lot of ways, and the argue just like, when he was married with Pauline's Mom. Who wants that. I sure don't and yet every time I see him he asks me if I have someone across the table to drink coffee with. I just tell him I go out and drink coffee with someone. I just don't know right now. It just does not feel right for me right now. God Bless Dwayne

You are very welcome Kay. If they do not come through, I have some other ideas running around in my brain. It was very nice to talk to you as always, I just hope that a job comes your way soon. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary,(Queeniemary), That is a real beautiful picture of the trees. Here in Somerset, Massachusetts, our colors are not as good this year because of the hurricane Irene. All the salt water that rained down from the storm has put a stop to all the colors we usually have. Most trees just turn, brown and leaves fall. I really miss the fall colors this year. As far as dating, I cannot even think about that. I have had, woman of all ages, start conversations with me, but for now I am just not ready for that, I really do not know when or if I will be ready. You should not feel foolish about trying to date. It is only natural for us humans to crave the contact from the opposite sex. But when we have lost the love of our life, soul mate, best friend, it makes it real hard to find someone else that even comes close to what we lost. For me right now a friendly conversation now and again is just fine. Because even though I live alone, I do not feel alone, I feel Pauline with me all the time. I know it is different for many others to so alone all the time. That is my take on dating. God Bless Dwayne