Dwaynecg

Dear Sunstreet, It is really nice to see you back. It has not been 8 years for me, but I have also found that great inner peace and comfort, knowing that I had done everything I could have for Pauline, and it was not in my control at all. So now she rest in eternal peace and I will be with her some day. I wish you well and to learn to laugh and smile again in the land of the living. It sounds like you are already doing that. GOOD for YOU. God Bless Dwayne

Dear mik, Did you read that text lasts night or not? It could be and probably is that she is going through the same feelings that you are. How do I go on without him in my life? I am lost, feel numb, I have trouble concentrating, like reading a book or just watching your favorite TV show. The things are so common for all of us in the couple months right after the loss of our loved one. Maybe, she was reaching out to you for help, with her grief. You will only know once you read the text. No matter what it says, feel free to come back and talk about it. There is a lot of great people one here who can help you to understand, work though whatever you are feeling at the time. I know this from experience. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Vickie, I can relate to you about the health problems. I was Pauline's soul care giver for many years as she, and we battled MS. After I thought I was doing fine, but it was only an illusion. My body had gone though things I did not even know until it hit me all at once, just one thing after another. It was like a spring and summer lost, but some how I still found the strength for my friend Greg, who had been in a motorcycle accident in late May, and he was in bed all summer long. So with all my strength I would go up to his house to lift, up his spirits. His wife Donna was Pauline's best friend for close to 29 or so years, so no way could I leave him alone to suffer in anguish all day long. You are a very brave person, to be able to pick up the pieces after the closing of the store and start again, and it sounds the things are moving more into the light of life again. Keep going, never give up, or give in. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. It has always been my giving heart that gets me through life. It seems like the more of myself I give, I get TEN FOLD back. Pauline was truly a very special person, the same is said for all our love ones. I know what Pauline wanted for and from me to do after she passed, and that is to fulfil my life giving to others the same as I gave to her. Today makes 8 tests in nursing school and 8 100's. I have 6 more then the final for this course on Monday. In order to score 100 on that I will have, to have 350 terminologies right. That is my goal. I should make it. I have to study hard and all the spare time in order to do it. Thank you for thinking about Pauline today, Becky!!!! God Bless, my friend Love Dwayne

Dear Stacy, I seen on what little news I watch that the west coasts was getting hammer by the storms. I did follow on FB and seen you lost power and was cold. How did Milli take all the wind and rain and darkness? When I see someone in need of help I try my best to lend them a hand in whatever way I can. With you it can only be my experience and my words from my heart, for we are thousands miles apart. I do see a lot of Pauline in you, her past, before me, and how someone from above decided that she needed someone to care for her in her life. So He saw this rough Red Headed man full beard, long curly hair, I would only cut after winter was over. Brought him down out of the high mountains of Colorado to Kansas, gave me a job, and on that day in may over 33 years now, made it rain so hard we could not work any more, so we were sent home at noon. The my friend I gave a ride to work with asked if I wanted to have a beer and shoot a game of pool or two, when we got to that junction, where we would turn left for home. I said to David, (sure may as well, nothing else to do on a rainy day). We went into a small little place called POP'S PLACES, and who was behind the bar, serving the 3.2 Beer, was Pauline. I sat down, and we just talked for hours. David had to call for another ride home. Our relationship was off from there, it was like we knew each other all our lives. It wasn't long though that I realized that Pauline was like a tiny little bird, broken, batter, and bruised, I just wanted to take her softly into my hands and heal her, from the inside out. That I did, but the Man upstairs, knew she would need so much more than that, and He knew I was the one for the job ahead. We pushed on in life, not knowing what was to come. When it finally did, we faced it together, with love for each other like always. NO REGRETS, NEVER. people say life is not fair. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT. WE HAVE FREE WILL. CHOICES, which path to go down. If we choose the wrong path, then we suffer what lies down that path. That is why I always try to find any positive in any day of my life. Because once that day is over it never comes again. Today is PAULINE'S BIRTHDAY I will be in class taking two tests. I know I will score 2 more 100's on them. That will be 8 in a row, the 2 more lessons for tomorrow. Stacy, you have a bright future ahead of you. The only thing that will stop you now is yourself. I know that you will not let that happen, like me you are to driven to reach your goals in life to carry on a legacy for Deric. God Bless, you my Friend Dwayne

Dear Deborah, I am so sorry to hear about you loss so close to this time of the year. It has been 9 months for me sense I lost my best friend, soul mate, lover, my wife, Pauline. She was sick for many years with MS ( MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS ). She fought. or We fought a long and hard battle for many years. I was her soul care giver. I thought I was doing ok but my body took a toll. I was sick all summer long, one thing after another. I had planed on putting out a couple oh her favorite decorations, but I just don't know. Today is her birthday and I will be spending it in nursing school, then tonight in music ministry at church. I will light candles for her and pray. I will have my quiet time with my thoughts. One thing that I do is that we both knew how the outcome would be. We just did not know when. So today and for the past 5 months, I do not put my focus on the final second, minute, hour, day, week or month. I choose to remember only the great memories we had for 33 years of a great life together. I know it is hard right now because it is so new in your mind, but believe me, there is nothing you could have done to stop or prolong what was coming and what did happen. I cried in church on Sunday, while we were stage singing with the band, their last song before we sang. The band leader said a longer prayer than usual so it gave me time to clean my tears and glasses, and bring back a smile for the Christmas song we were about to sing. I sang and did it perfect, just like it was meant to be. There is life after, it takes time to come back from that dark despair, that you find yourself in now. I go to Hospice support group meetings every week, as well as on here. It really helps to be with and talk to people that have been and is going though what you are going though now. God Bless Dwayne

Hi, Our Doctor, Pauline's then mine for many years are an amazing man. He is undoubtedly the most caring Doctor I have ever met. His wife was diagnosed with a life end disease around the same time as Pauline was, but hers is much slower, it took away her skill to talk and walk, but her mind is as sharp as a tack. About 3 years ago Pauline ordered some art supplies, she liked drawing in colored pencil, along with the order they sent her a basic water color paint set, so when Pauline had her next DR visit she gave to him for his wife. The next time she asked him how she like it. Well he the DR already is an oil painter himself and a very good classical pianist, no surprise there, but he told Pauline that his wife took those water colors and started painting everyday, more abstract, her own way. He, even took her to the Poconos for an art class weekend. I saw him 3 week ago I asked him about his wife and he said she is doing ok, and what she has is an auto immune disease, but she will life for a long time. One of Pauline's wound nurses went to high school with his daughter, it really is a small world isn't it. I know I have and Pauline had the best Doctor possible. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, Now I know why I did not get an answer, last night when I called. It is nice to hear that you are keeping busy. I have been really busy myself. In 2 weeks I sing 4 songs in our Christmas play on Saturday, then Sunday, sing at 10:30 service. After service we have our last choir practice, then right after practice we will go to a nursing home here in Somerset and sing our whole program for them. I am glad I do not have school on Fridays so I will have time to study. I will take a my first final a week from Monday on Terminology. So I keep very busy, also Hospice meetings every Wednesday evening 6-7:30. I love what I am doing and I do not feel lonely at all even when I am at home. I have never felt lonely. I always feel Pauline's, presents around me all the time. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, Pauline, never liked to have her home invaded by workmen either. That is why I had to learn to wear so many hats, from doing drywall, fixing old lathe board plaster walls, running electrical line, cable, wallpaper, tile. Carpet, painting, installing new doors, you name it I have just about done it. She never trusted anyone to be in here alone when I was not here with her. I can understand her point of view on that being disabled and in a wheelchair made her feel very vulnerable to strangers. More than other people would be. So I did not mind doing the thing for her. If I was unsure, I would study up on a project and make a practice one first to make sure I had the right technique down first before I would start in the house. In the end she was always satisfied with the results. I am sure you are also. I hope that this gives you the peace and comfort to create more beauty in this world. Something maybe you can share with us some time. God Bless my friend Dwayne

Dear Dave, I understand about a money driven system, but ultimately it is up to the patient and or the family to decide if they want to go a head with the expensive treatments or not. Pauline had 2 uncles. Both we diagnosed wit pancreatic cancer, the first one went all out, and suffer for 6 month from radiation, kemo, sick all the time, and passed in the hospital. Her second one decided to do nothing. He enjoyed life for 5 months and 1 week before his weight drop so much it was hard for him to get around, outside the home. He staid home, he passed at home with all his family at home and like Pauline had, Hospice for the last couple weeks to keep him comfortable. He passed in peace. Who is to say which one is right. They both wanted to live. One suffered way to much, from the treatment, that did not extend his life. The other one wanted to live, but also wanted to go out on his own terms and he did, he went in peace, not much pain. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Pam, That inner peace, and comfort, you talk about, I have truly found that in my soul. I miss Pauline as much as ever, but I have made peace with it, because, I know it was not in my hands. There was nothing I could have changed, or done different. It has taken me months to find it, but I do have it now. A great Peace and Comfort inside. It has help me so much after I saw Pauline's face that day in recovery. After that, it was lit a fire was lit inside me. Now it burns like a roaring blaze of fire of Peace Comfort. I still cry, after all we are human, and it is good to release those tears, when needed, I was crying in church last night, as pastor prayed for others who have a life ending conditions. The memories, just came flooding back, and my eyes were like water falls, but that was ok, after I felt better, and once again the peace returned. I was at complete comfort. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry, I under stand completely, what you are talking about, and the feelings you had as a care giver. It is a very, very hard task to take one, to take of 24-7 and also see the other part of your soul slipping away. I had to do that for many years. It really took a toll on my body, as you well know. There were times, like you out of Pauline's frustration, it is only human to lash out at the one who care the most for you, but I never ever, returned it in. I would take it until it was over and the Pauline would realize what had just happened and try to apologize for doing it. Before she could speak a few, words I would be right there with my arm around her, tell her I love you and everything is fine, that I know it was just the MS, talking to me again and not my love of my life. My drive is not to battle MS, there is a lot of people out there doing that now. I do donate some money, not much, but more when I get a job. Instead I turn my focus on becoming a nurse to help other in need. That is what is calling me now. After all the years of taking care of Pauline and all the different medical things I learned to do along the way. This has became my passion now. So far so good. I have a long way to go yet, but I know that nothing will be able to stop me except myself, and I have, way to much drive and determination to quit. This is my front line soldier in my life, to excel at nursing, and help as many people as I can for ever as many years as I have let in this body. God Bless, my friend Dwayne

Dear Shelley, I welcome you to this great site, under the most difficult time of your life. My wife Pauline, passed on 2/25/2011. We were married 30 years together for 33. She had MS ( Multiple Sclerosis ), for many years. That is what took her was end stage MS. It has been very hard. What you describe fits me to a tee the first 4-5 months. From being a long term care giver, I started having health problems that I never had before, after she passed. Then on he 5 month day of her passing I had to have an operation. As they were waking me up in the recovery room, the last thing I saw, was Pauline's face, Healthy and Happy, even the same hair color I had dyed it for her 5 weeks before she passed. That moment changed my life. It lit a fire inside me, to move forwards in my life, like we had talked about so many times over the years. That is what she want for me most of all, to grieve, but also make little steps into the land of the living again. I can say that I have made a lot of steps and have came a long way. It has not been easy at all. I still cry for her, but one thing I do is focus on all the good times and memories, and not the ending. You will get though this at your own pace and your own way. No two people go through grief the same. Just keep coming back, and talk about whatever is on your mind at the time. There is a lot of great people on her who will be able to lift you up when needed. God Bless Dwayne

Hi, Everyone, Just a quick note to say so far so good. I took 2 tests yesterday, and 2 today. I scored 100% on all 4 tests so far. This morning I woke up with a blistering Migraine Headache. If it was a job and not school I would have called in sick. I was up at 4 to study, I took a little Medicine then, but not the on that stops Migraines, because it can make you feel funny, and dull your senses. So I waited until after the tests were over, but it really did not work well. I need my other one, but insurance will not pay for it until this one proves to not work well. I had to wear my sun glasses so the light would not hurt my eyes as bad. Now I am off to bed for some rest. Then hit the books later. Thank you all for you support. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Stacy, I can relate with your childhood, not mine but Pauline's. She had things happen to her that should never happen to a very young child. Her mother also was physical abusive to her and her sisters. Abuse continued as an older child, that changed her life forever. Married and had a son at seventeen, the abuse continued. She had 2 more boys with her husband until she caught him cheating. That was it, the down wards spiral went from there, drugs, unstable relationships. Then one day years ago in May, rain pouring down, she was given an angel, from above. A red head from Colorado. We had an instance connection. In a few days, I could only see a broken, battered, beaten, little bird. I just toke her into my hands and started to heal her from the inside out. It took many years, but I succeeded, making her a whole person again. We always had, great love and passion for each other. But it took years for her to let go of all the baggage from the past. I really, think that she still had some, but it was not on her mind anymore. I gave my life to her, there is nothing I would and did not do for her. It brings me tears, just to write about this. You are not alone in your felling and emotions. This was the first year in 33 that there was not a turkey cooking Thanksgiving morning. I went up to my dear friends and had a good time. I cooked a couple of Pauline's, dishes, that she would always take, and we made every Thanksgiving. We were blessed to have had so many years together, even though 17 years with MS. Eating her away ever so slowly. She was my Angel as well. I learned so much from her, and the care I gave her the last 11 years, as she declined. We always kept our faith, and were always blessed when we needed to be. Now I continue for her, taking the things I learned from the long term care, and turning her passing into a positive in My life. I started school Monday, took 2 tests yesterday, and scored 100 on both. I will have 2 more today, I will probably will score 2 more 100's. It is hard to move forwards in life after such a great loss of love. Like you I miss so much her physical touch, so much. I sleep on her big sheep skin she always slept on. It was were she passed at. I have slept on it from the very first night. I find comfort in it and on it. I really like the fact that you have taken steps in your life moving forwards, with your movie, and that cute Milly. You have a great caring soul in you, to take her out of her environment, and give her new life again. A much better life. Run with your dreams and goals, turn all the negatives in your past life into positives in your new life. You have, great courage to step out into life of the living again. That is all our goal on here. I am glad to see you have done that, the same as I. It feels like my mind will burst, with my church choir, nursing school, all the late night studding. Sunday at choir practice the gave us 3 more songs to learn in just 2 weeks. My mind is filled with so much right now and school will only get harder in the next week and a half, 350 Medical Terminology to learn in 7 days, then the final test, 3 days after. I do it because I love to help people and am good at it. I had a great teacher in Pauline. It ended way to soon, but we knew how it would end and like she always done, we per pared well. Nothing left unspoken about. Now she watches over and guides my new life into the feature. God Bless, my friend Dwayne

Hi, just an update, The first day of school went well, I have my first test this morning. Right now for the first two week we are learning Medical Terminology. 50 a day and will be tested one them the next day. I study until late last night. And up at 4 this morning to study more. I think today I should get about 100% test score. After we see and hear the term. Then there is a study part of the book, that tells you the term and meaning and how it can be out together with other terms to make more medical terms out of. I found most of the people in the class jumped over that part, to the end of the lesson and just put the term with the correct meaning, then you have sentences, that you fill in the terminology in. It can be two or the terms together. Well without reading the middle of the lesson they had trouble putting some terms together. That is why we have the whole book to read, not just the beginning and the end, the middle is where the beef is, the substance of the terms coming together to make more terms. Without that they will not do so well. I have to start hitting the books now, so I can get that 100% on my test this morning. I have about 3 that I am having a little trouble with, but I will get them down before the test. I also have 3 more songs to learn, the just gave us Sunday. To be ready in a couple weeks. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Pam, With, and I now someone will fault me for saying this, Pauline's Strong faith in where she was going and where we will meet again some day, kept her at peace. She suffered way to much from the MS, Pain, Bladder and Bowel problems, from one extreme to the other. Along with many other problems. Her body just stopped absorbing nutrients, the way we do, In just 2+ months she went from 118 to about 90 pounds. It didn't matter, I got Medical protein for her, but it did not help, The Doctor said a feeding tube would not help either, so Pauline being Pauline, faced death right in the face with such grace and poise. She never had, anxiety over death. She lapsed into a coma of some state about 2 1/2 days before she passed. She could still resound to me, not with her eyes, the MS took that away from her the final days. The eyes are were it started first anyway. But she resounded to touch, and a few movements of the mouth. When her family was her early that day, and the hospice nurse came that morning.She told us it would be about 3 days, but I knew that morning that this was the day. I could just feel it. About 1 or so after everyone was gone. I was holding her and crying, and telling her I loved her, then I said, I would be alright with as few tears as I could muster, that it was ok for her to go to sleep now. That I love you more than anything, then her mouth moved and very, very soft, she said, I LOVE YOU TOO. That was her last breath she took and let out to say those words of love to me. That I was on her mind. I held her for a long time, just telling her over and over that I loved her, and we will be reunited again when it is my time to be called. She never feared death at all, because our faith tells us where we go. God Bless, I know if you told your husband you loved him and you were going to be ok. That he heard every words even after the heart stopped beating. He could hear you. Take comfort in that and find peace, no he did not want to leave you, and the tears were his way to show his love for you. That he loved you so much, that this is how he was letting you know his deep and lasting love for you. I hope you can find some PEACE with this. Dwayne

Dear Marty, I found that very interesting, on how longs it took them to come back to the land of the living again. I suffered a tremendous loss, with Pauline. I thought I would never be the same. I am not the same, just a better person to have that one of a kind true love in my life. Maybe because we saw how it would end for her so many years ago, that we prepared well. We left nothing unspoken about, no matter how hard it was and how many tears we shed over the years. I know have a new, and positive look on my life, and what I want to do with myself. Today was the first day of school, and we went through 50 medical terminology today, and will be tested in the morning. I was a great feeling to be able to move forwards in my life, but I will never forget, even the last weeks, the final day, her last breath is etched in my mind forever, but I do not think about the ending. I focus on all the 31+ years of all the wonderful memories we made together. That is what, keeps me going, and seeing Pauline's face when they were waking me up in recovery, seeing her Happy, and Healthy, even the same hair color, I had dyed it for her 5 weeks before she passed. That lit a burning blaze inside me, to do what she want for me, grieve, and still move forwards in my life, but never ever forgetting a great love lost. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Deb, Today at church my pastor was talking about Mary and six days before the death of Jesus. Now before I get bashed up again it is only an analogy that I am using. Mary took her perfume and in today's time it would be worth $35,000. she washed Him from head to and used her hair, Now than pastor asked if we ever loved on so deep that all common sense went out the window, after all that was $35,000. Her life savings. I immediately said yes I did, with my wife Pauline. There is nothing I would not have done for her, and I did a lot of things to make her happy all the years she suffered with MS. Last year I went to four Mayo's stores to get thirds Black Down filled winter coat for her. Every store told me they had it in stock, but when I got there, No it was,t the same coat as on the flier. I wound up in Brookline Boston when I finally found the right coat and her size, She was a small person with pettie build. I just this past Fridays gave that coat to Pauline,s niece. She loved it, and I am very happy someone in her family can use it. I have started a lot of confersations with many different women. Some I have been comfortable to open up to and tell my storied, some have been a quick few words. I do know one thing, id that they all leave with a smile. So when the time comes. I will be ready to start dating again. You never know when love its you. My plans are to start school in the morning and finish in six months, get a job, then worried about a relationship. I have no idea if it will work out that way or not. We will see. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Marty, Thank you for the link and the encouraging words. You are so right, when you are focusing on taking pictures, all you see is the beauty all around you. That is a very good place to be. I have found real peace with myself inside and with my thoughts, and where I let them go. I have, great peace at being home in our apartment, that we shared for 21 years. I have already bought a couple Christmas presents over the weekend. I am blessed that I start my nursing school in the morning at 9 AM. I will keep you updated. I did sing a Christmas carols in church today, and we will be singing every week from now on until Christmas. I also bout some new Christmas Music, over the weekend. Even though Pauline passed on before me. She wanted me to move forwards in my life. I am doing that now. I think because Pauline was so sick wit the MS for so many years, I have a different look on things, than many others do, who had a loss, but only seen the ugliness, of the failing of their loved one for a relative short period of time. It doesn't mean, that the loss is any less, but I believe I was more prepared for the ending. Now I take what I learned for all those years, and have turned it into a positive, with my schooling. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mik, I an so sorry, to hear that you such a night mare, over the weekend and your trip. I wanted a different out come for you, my heart goes out to you. If you want to talk about it in private, just IM me, and we can talk about your bad experience you had. God Bless Dwayne

Thank You Kay, I know the first day is filling out paper work for the school and the career center, so I will get college credits for my classes I take. That way when I am ready to further my studies, I will have these college credits already. It will be a long day tomorrow, and Monday will not be to bad, we only go to class from 9 AM- 2 PM. So that will give me enough time to study and practice my music. Then Monday evening from 7-9 we have the music ministry practice at the church. I pray I get selected for the solo. I will see, If I do, great, if not that is ok also. God Bless Dwayne

Well Here it is, My last weekend, of freedom, before school, then getting and starting a job. I knew that I would go to school, I wish it would have been sooner though. I hate to get up in the mornings, scrape Ice and snow off the car. I do have the auto start on my van, so that does help. I will still have to clean the snow off the rest on the van. I have my briefcase all packed and ready to go. I even have a small recorder, to catch anything I might miss that will be very important. I am also trying out for a solo part at our church, Christmas program. The choir leader Jackie was going to sing it, but it is in a lower key than she usually sings in. Last Sunday, she said she was having a little trouble with it. I told her that I had it down, and would be happy to sing it with her, she said she would think about it. Then yesterday I got an e-mail, that said, she will be holding try outs for the solo. Now we were not supposed to learn that song, but I learned all the songs. So we will see tomorrow. I will be singing in choir at service, then practice after, so I hope my voice holds up for the try out for the solo. We will see. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Lucia, That is all any of do, is to try to move down our new path in life, without our loved one. It gets very hard to do some time. But time never stops. Days turn into weeks and weeks into months, then years, but we always hold them in our hearts, minds and souls. All the great moments in time we spent with them together. I try my best not to think about the end, the final months, of the great suffering Pauline was in. I wish to only remember all the happy and great times we had in 33 years together. For her I move forwards, because that is what she wanted from me more than anything, not to be stuck in the first weeks and months of grief, but to grieve, and move my life forwards and reach my goal of becoming a nurse. I start school on Monday, I will study hard and do my best. For Pauline. God Bless Dwayne

I had a GREAT day yesterday, up at Donna's and Greg's. I picked up Donna's mother and her friend, and took them up there. The food was fantastic. I ate so much, I thought for a moment I might be sick, but just a moment, until the deserts can out. Then I ate a piece of everything, Pauline's Sweet Potatoes souffle was a big hit. It was gong in no time. We all laughed, and had a great time. But now tears yesterday. Only in the morning, while I was cooking Pauline's dish before I let home. It was the first time in 33 years there was not a turkey cooking in our home. That also brought some tears, but my little dog Sugar was on my lap and washed away the tears. I was very thankful to be with great friends and their family yesterday. I hope everyone found peace and comfort no matter were you where yesterday. God Bless Dwayne