Dwaynecg

Dear Dave, It seems like my mind and focus is as clear as a microscope. I really was nevus about school and keeping up. It are Them that are trying to keep up with me. My final grade for the course, that goes on record is a 99. I am really proud of myself and I try to set an example for all to follow. It can be done. I know emotions are hard. I am a very emotional persons, I always have been. On Saturday night we had the Christmas Play. The choir opened with the songs, just a few minutes a woman who knew Pauline before asked about her and her final day, I did not want to talk about it, but me being me, I talk to everyone who wants to talk or wants to listen, so I told her of the final day right up to the last breather and after. Of course by this time my eyes are water falls. Them it was time to go on stage. I was never so glad to be short and in the back row, although on risers, I wiped my tears, eyes, and face, a sip of water, a big smile, bright eyes, just in time for the light to come up on us, and I hit every note perfect, every song. It was healing for me that night. I would like to leave you with a couple, quotes I came across this week, I have hundreds I have saved after Pauline passed, the first made me think about a lot of us in grief. Herman Hesser Wrote: Some of us think Holding on Makes us Strong, but Sometimes it is the LETTING GO!!! Then I read this one and it really hit home with me, because, it is in the place where I am at now. Author Unknown: One thing the Passing of blank, (I used Pauline), taught me, is Life is short and YOU Disserve, to be HAPPY!!! God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, I understand your point now, all though I was never angry about the disease it self. At the start I got really mad at her Neurologist, who had seen Pauline wheeled into his office for the 3 visits before, and he never asked why. The reason was she had a hard time walking from the parking lot into the building, then to where his office was. And when Pauline told him that one of her other Doctors suggested she had all the signs of MS, and should go to her Neurologist, well as this man did was to start getting mad at Pauline and screaming at her, and I would not stand for that. I got up with fire in my eyes, and asked him why he never questioned, why she was in a wheel chair for her last 3 visit? That we came for help, not for you to be screaming at Pauline like she had, done something wrong. It was you that had your eyes closed. If you cannot or do not want to help her send her some where, that she will get the help. He sent her to a hospital in Boston, Layhee Clinic, were they confirmed that yes she had MS and these were her options at that time. I can truly say that was the first and last time anger came out over Pauline health our being left alone, because I am not, just last week I got home from school, it was cold out I got on the bed and turned on the bed light to study by. This was around 3 in the afternoon. My little dog Sugar laid by my feet, and as I was studding, I could feel the warmth of Pauline's body right beside me, I could hear her breathing, It was like that for a few minutes, until I reached for her, then it all stopped. I know she is with me always, whereever I am whatever I am doing, she is always with me. God Bless my friend Dwayne

Dear Melina, I know and understand the pain you are going though this time of year. I just got back from one of my hospice grief support group meetings, and everyone there just wanted to jump past this time of year. So you are not alone in your feelings at all. As far as your sons, it was their Father, not their wife, who passed, so the grief for them, is really different than it is for you. As children, we are in our parent's home for around 18-20 years, then we are out on our own. Even as children we did not have the same relationship as our mother and father had. That is why they grieve different than we do. They loved him but not the same love you had for him. He was your soul mate forever. I try to understand the anger that everyone feels, but I cannot, because I haven't and will not. I loved Pauline to much to let the feeling or emotion of anger to come up. I just can't, I could never be angry with Pauline or the MS that took her from me. So anger no I just do not understand it. It is just the way I am made I guess. I truly wish you can find some kind of peace and comfort in your life ahead. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, Thank you for your kind words. That is what I was thing to do is the date for me has a new meaning, and I choose to celebrate Pauline's life, not her passing. I know how hard it is to move forwards in life, but forwards we must move. This life we have is a gift, as well as our loved one was to us, was a gift. What a better day to remember the best gift of our life than on Christmas Day. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kay, It is always great to her your voice on the other end. Yes a 98 is great. My final grade for the class is a 99, so that is what goes on the record for the course. The combined score, test, and the final. I could not be any HAPPIER. It is nice to be on break now for a couple weeks. I can concentrate on my new song they gave us to learn. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Jeanie, We have all had the very same feelings and emotions that you are going through right now. I would like to welcome you this wonderful place where there is a lot of great people who can help you in this deep dark despair. It has only been a few months, please do not expect to much from yourself right now. Instead of quitting your job, maybe they can give you a leave of absence for awhile. Dealing with the passing of your loved one is very hard on you emotionally and physically as well. Try to eat healthy, get as much rest as you can, and do not let others close to you tell you how or what you should be doing. It helps to get into a grief support group. I go to Hospice meetings every week in 2 different towns, with the same counselor. Most of all keep coming back. I am so sorry for your loss. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Lance, I wish that you would have never have had to find this site, HOV. Because it means that another person has lost a great love, the love or their life. My wife Pauline passed over 9 months ago, and on Christmas the 25 it will be 10 months to the day. So you see her passing has changed, this time of year of for me forever, there is no escape for me on that date. My story is different then most on here. My wife and I both fought MS for many years, almost half the years we were together, which was 33 years. In that last part of our life we talked about everything and planned everything, left nothing unsaid. I made her promises, which I take to heart and keep. I am working on one huge one now, I do feel your pain, being so fresh wound and cut so deep. You think that how can something like this ever heal, well it doesn't, we learn new ways to cope, everyone is different, we all do it in our own time and way, but you can make it, just keep coming back, tell us whatever you want to talk about, there are very good people one here, and Marty, she is the bests, no one is better at this than she is. She always has the right thing at her finger tips when we need it the most. I hope you will find some peace and comfort down the road. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Anne, You are sooo right this is not an easy journey at all. I am glad that you can picture Dick with that look on his face as he watches over you. And yes it is ok from time to time to get into the space that you are in right now. I had thought, and my mistake for thinking so, that the anger has been their for 4 years now every single day, and hour. A few days ok, but after that we are truly dishonoring our loved one by staying in that same place unable to move even a tiny inch forwards. It fills my heart with peace to here that, yes you are in these feelings of anger, and gloom, and that you will pick yourself up again in a day or two, or three, and once again, you take, steps forwards into your new life, the unknown life, that feeling where we have never been and we are way out of our comfort zone. I have something for you to try. Take both hands put the in front of you, now once you do that , bring your hands together interlocking your fingers, and thumbs. Now that you have your hands locked together look to see which thumb is over the other one. If your right thumb is over the left thumb, that is the natural way you have always locked your hands together, the same is true if the left thumb is over the right thumb, it is the way you have always done for all your live. It is our subconscious way of doing things that we do not even think about. Now unlock your hands and put them back together with the thumbs in the opposite place from the natural one for you. You can immediately, feel how uncomfortable this is. It is the same for our travel into our new life. Very uncomfortable, ground that we have never been on although we may have seen the sights hundreds of times before, now the ground and our surroundings seem so different. It makes us just want to run back to our comfort zone, but sadly our comfort zone is also changed, different, so again we are faced with that same question, Who am I? Where am I? Which path should I follow? How can I move on? These are all very hard questions to try and, find the answers to. Sometime grief is just to much for a person, and they just give up on themselves and life, sometimes a person wants to move forwards, but grief has such a strong hold on the they need help and the right tools to get pulled out of the quagmire they are in. I am always here for you anytime you need any kind of help. I do not have all the answers, but I do want to live, I am making a new and different life. You it is Pauline wanted me and made me promise her, that I would become a nurse, now at the age of 57, and not being in school sense 1973, I did not if I would be able to keep up with the younger generation. We have 12 students in my class, 9 are under 30 most of those are under 25, 1 are under 40, 1 is under 45, that leaves me. At the end of Terminology I was the only one to score 100% on all 14 test. On my final exam on Monday I scored a 98%, I really though it would be a 100, but I am fine with that. Only 2 of us scored above a 95. most scored mid 80's. So it is they young minds tying to keep up with the old. Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Take care Anne, I hope you can find some peace and comfort. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Anne, We all want our old life back, but it would be selfish of me to have Pauline back in pain, no use of her legs, her cognitive thinking was not the same as it was 1 1/2 years before. I loved her so much I would have laid down my life for her, she knew that too. So to go back to that NO, go back to 20 years ago before the MS, yes, but we do not get that choice in life. Pauline made me promise her a few things before she passed. Everyone is very hard for me to do, but I will do them, because I gave my word to her, and without trust in each other what would we have had. Surely not a Loving Honest marriage. Right now I am working one of the promises I made to her. That is to grieve, and yet to go after my goal of becoming a nurse. I am the oldest one in my class and I was really worried about keeping up with the young people. Well they are chasing me. I have the highest scores by far over all the others. It is very hard work, not much sleep, but I am doing it. As far as doing everything yourself, I had to do that for years, because my Dear wife Pauline was not able to do it any more. I worked a full time job, came home took care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, Ironing, and the most important part was taking care of Pauline. I would go to be around 11:30-12:00 and up at 4:00. Taking her to the bathroom, giving her MED's making sure she had, water, and other drink in reach as well as lunch. I know what it is like to do it all. You may not want to hear this but I will say it anyway. There are just 2 things you can do. Keep doing what you are doing now or, Get Up Stand on Your Feet and take one step at a time out of the darkness and into the light of the land of the living again. No it is not easy to do. It is a process everyday, to keep fighting for life. Just ask yourself this. Is Dick Pleased with the way I see and feel things in life? I know the answer, he would tell you NO, I LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU TO FIND some kind of PEACE again. Not to be stuck in anger all the time. Out of all the emotions and feelings I have gone through, ANGER has never been one of those feelings or emotions I will ever bring out over the passing of Pauline, for me if I was to get angry at MS or her passing, it would mean I would have to be angry at Pauline, and that is something I will never ever do. I really do, hope you can find your peace and comfort, we all need that in our lives. God Bless Dwayne

Dear MIK, We all feel the pain you are going through right now. We have all been right where you are at in this moment in time, different people of course, but all the same feelings, emotions, not know what to do next. Like our whole world, has spun off it's axe's, and is just tumbling through space, going every which way. So we just want to jump in bed, try to sleep, and maybe, just maybe, this is just a dream. When we wake up we feel and see that it was no dream, that this is our new reality. For now cry whenever the giant waves of grief hit, for as long as it washes over you. You will feel just a tiny bit better. I made it though that giant wave. You no more think that and here it comes again time after time, until, this huge storm starts to pass and the waters calm a bit, and the wave come, but not as big, not as long. Now is the time to take care of you, and you alone, eat good healthy foods, try to take a short walk or some form of exercise, get as much rest as you can. The next storm is just waiting to hit, we do not know when, but it will come, it always does. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, Thank you, when I started I was not sure if I would be able to keep up with the younger generation. Now it is them that are tring to keep up with me. I just got home from choir practice. I am glad that the next part, which is anatomy starts after the Christmas break. God Bless, Dwayne

I took the final today, no I did not get a 100, I got a 98%. I missed 6 of the most easiest ones. I got distracted, why at that time they had to drag a table through the room I do not know. I lost my focus for a moment and that was that, but it is great to get 344 out 350 I am fine with that. When I started I was worried about keeping up with the younger people. Our teacher graded my exam last. I was the only one to score 100 on all 14 test. Everyone thought that I would on the final also. Over 50% of the class scored in the mid 80's only 4 were high than 90. So Life is good, I will get ready for the next part and work just as hard on it as I did on this. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, Yes that would be very hard to do. I agree with the other. YOU are a very brave lady just to get the tree out and put it up. So far I only have the one decoration out. I think this weekend I will change the bedroom set, and kitchen curtains, and a couple more decorations, some of Pauline's favorites. Try to at lest enjoy the warm weather down there. Take care Becky. God Bless Dwayne

To all the Loved Ones on HOV, The Meaning of Christmas! I know to a lot of people it can mean a lot of different things, maybe just another holiday to be alone in sorrow. It will be for many of us I know that. For other people outside looking in, it is a day for families to come together and celebrate, exchange gifts, eat to much, drink eggnog, kiss under the missal toe. A lot of people, go to church, one day out of the year. A lot of people are alone and depressed, this time of year, maybe they have no one. The homeless just try to survive one more day, one more night. For each and everyone of us Christmas can and does have a different meaning, even before, the passing of our loved ones. Now, Christmas, has the same meaning for me. What Pauline and I always celebrated was the Birth of Christ. This year it brings me a new and different meaning that I will never escape from, I knew that the morning I woke up, well really did not sleep much at all, but that morning I knew in my heart and mind and soul, Dwayne, this is the day, February, 25, 2011. I knew Pauline would pass some time before that day was over. Her best friend Donna, stopped in for a couple minutes on her way to work, her father dropped by for about 1/2 hour, it was hard for him, it was to close to Pauline's mother, who had passed 16 years before, her brother came by, the Hospice nurse, she said 3-4 days, and last was Pauline only other friend, that did not drop her. I hate to say but yes, at 2:30 PM she passed. Now I do not write this out of sadness, but I knew what I know. When no one else did. This year I will celebrate the birth of Christ, and the Life of my wife Pauline. Not her death, I know where she is at now. And no this is not a sermon, it is how the passing of my loved one has changed my life, and my meaning of Christmas forever. God Bless, I wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS Dwayne

Dear jwielg1017, I am glad that I can inspire you to think about getting back into school. At 3 months, there was no way I could have taken on a task, like this. Just let yourself heal on the inside out, you will know when the time is right for you, or you may even decide to do something different. Nursing maybe to close to taking care of your fiance. I decided to go into nursing, because of all the years of care giving I gave to my wife, Pauline. She had so many different types of need over the years, I had to learn a lot of different things that the VNA would do, because Pauline did not like them in more than once a week. She would always say, Dwayne can take care of that just show him once. That's the way it went. So when you are ready you will know, just do not rush back, because you know, you need all your focus, and a lot of long hours, late night early mornings to study. So wait until you mind can focus and is sharp again, no matter what others say you should be doing now, you know yourself better than anyone. I wish you well, and God Bless Dear Susie, Thank you for your support and kind words. It is really all I know how to do is to try 100% at anything, any job, my marriage, life it self. If I do not get the 100 I will be ok with that, right now I am at 99% and I still have the rest of tonight and early morning. I know I will pass, I will do my best and if that gets me the 100% I LOVE it, Pauline will be smiling down from heaven telling them that's my Babe, never quits, never gives up when the going gets hard, he keeps on moving forwards. Thank You Susie God Bless Dwayne

Dear Terp8r, My heart breaks for yours. I miss Pauline so much also, my heart aches for her. I see happy couples and I have to look away, but for me the last 4-5 years of her life we rarely went out for pleasure anyway. When it came to the gift buying, Pauline would do that on the computer, the rest of the shopping I had done that for years, but I never noticed the other happy couple out there until this year, and yes it does bother me. I think that is why I keep so busy doing one ting right after the other. Like yesterday, up at 5, studding for my final on Monday. Then going over my song that we sang last night. That took me until about 10:00, went to the store for some brain food. Up to my friends Greg's, who was having a down day, I brought him and I some good and healthy food, he thought he should be out raking leaves instead of in bed healing, by the time I left he realized, bed at that time is where he needed to be, who cares about the leaves. Back home at 2:00 PM, study some more, feed my little dog, fish, sugar glider, the two birds food ready for today, dressed and out to church by 4:45, sang, watched the play, ate food over there home at 9:45. Study until 12:30 AM, Up at 4:30, a quick run though of my studied guide, on HOV, I will study until 7:30 eat shower, shave, be out the door by 9 to church to sing again, after service a full dress rehearsal for 2 1/2 hours, then off to a rehabilitation/ nursing home to sing our whole program. I will be home around 5:30-6 eat and study the rest of the night until 11:00 sleep, up at 4:00 study more school by 8:25 study until 9 then about 9:15 the final exam. Right now I am very close to 100% that is 350 out of 350 terms. Then I can breath and relax again. God Bless Dwayne P. S. 7:35 EST. I knew this morning my was fried. To many terms. As I read back I realized I addressed this to Susie, instead of Pam. I am Truly Sorry. All day long, those terms are running around in my brain. It was a wonder that I could remember the songs we sang today, 4 times 9 songs each time. You know it stuck me today that I will never escape December 25, that will always and forever mark Pauline's 10, 20, 30, etc. month day of her passing, but that is ok. I will celebrate Her life with the birth of Christ. Now Please do not be a fend by that. It is really the true meaning of Christmas anyway. Susie, my heart really does go out to you as well. We all have broken hearts, loved ones passed on, long before they should have. Things will never be the same, just different. Like learning to walk and talk and use our hands all over again. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Harry, Bravo, What a well written and meaningful piece. What you have written, is how I feel. I rose up out of those ashes to find myself again, with a new career awaiting me. Moving forwards everyday is the hard part, but we can do it. Tonight right before I went on stage to sing 3 songs with the choir, someone was asking me about Pauline and the last day. Why then I do not know, but I spoke about it and of course it made me cry. I had tears falling as I walked on stage. Good thing I was in the back and a blessing to be short. I dried my eyes, put on a big smile and sang my heart out. After everyone was on their feet applauding, so I took that moment of grief and turned it in to joy all night long. It can be done. Thank You Harry for writing such an incredible and heart filled words for all of us to take something from, and put to use in our own lives. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry, My Friend, I know what you felt in those final days. The week before when Nancy came over, I told her no Pauline is going to pull though again just like all the times before. She asks what makes you so positive about this? I know and I know Pauline. How wrong I was. Pauline never cried once about what was happening to her, see it is part of our belief, for me I was a water fall, she comforted me, but I have never hidden that part of me the tender part. That Morning I was up, well I really only slept on an off a couple hours, 4 AM, I was sitting by the bed had a cup of coffee, and I knew that this would be the day. That all those years of suffering pain and not being able to see at times, not being able to walk for years, were coming to a close. The Hospice nurse came over, I asked her right out. All the vitals were better than before, she said 3-4 days, but I knew it was today 2-25-2011. I was right at 2:30 PM with her last breath of life she could barely say " I LOVE YOU TOO ". I just laid with her for about a half an hour holding and talking to her until the phone rang it was her Carlen from her DR's office, just checking in on her. I told her she passed, she asked the time, and said I needed to call Hospice. It was a long night from there. Harry I am grateful to have you as a friend, this is not the way we should have became friends, but we really are from two different worlds, and this links us together. I feel your pain, I now you understand and feel mine. I keep you in my thoughts everyday. I wish you well. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Stacy, Very well said, I have never been in that deep dark place of depression. Maybe I was after Pauline passed, it was more about not being able to sleep. For the last 5-6 years before she passed, I had became such a light sleeper, that every time she move, I would wake up. Before that I could sleep through anything. Then the final months came, and it was like is was sleeping with one eye open all the time. Pauline appreciated it so much, that I loved so deeply, whatever time it was she knew I was there for her. But after I was fine for 2 weeks nothing changed. I slept in the same bed, on her sheep skin, the I got sick. The Doctors done all kinds of blood work, urine, stool, and could fine nothing, but yet I could not sleep, fever low grade, food went right though me. I may as well just put it in the toilet first, because it did not stay in me for very long. Then I had an accident, my fault. I called my to Doctors and unemployment, I was on the insurance by noon, and the next 2 days had seen both doctors, they put me on Med's. As I look back now I wonder If I had C- DIFF back then a mild case, because my hand, and body shook, just like when I got sick both times with C-DIFF, but I was really never depressed, sad yes, crying yes, lonely no, afraid to be alone in our home no, I did have, and still do have a big hole in my heart. Where I keep the pain from the passing of Pauline, but yet, I give from my heart to others in need. To lift them up, that there is life again after we loose the love of our life, not to carry the burden of the finality of the end. Because that is not what they want from us. They want us to live as normal and as happy life as we can. It takes time, I know that, but you, and I have the one thing in common, that is the drive of life. Even in you darkest hour you were still working by phone. When I was sick in bed I was still on the phone finding a place for our hospice support grief meeting. That drive for life is what will make us move forwards and succeed in life. Keep moving forward Stacy you are a good soul, a kind, heart. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Marty, Thank you, for that message, because that is exactly what I have found in myself, and have put into motion. I still Love and Cry for Pauline, but I have found myself in all this grief. I have a calling that is loud and clear. My life has been changed forever, but yet I keep moving forward with a new perspective and purpose for my life. I have truly found inner peace and comfort. Not to be afraid to open that door and see what may be ahead for me. I opened it, and walk right on though it with knowing that I have found myself, my life, a new different life, a giving life, a caring life. But really it is who I was all the time. Just a new path different people. A new Career. A voice to reach up into the sky with. The songs that I sing with great joy. Life has meaning again. Thank You,

Dear Mary, It is said that the passing of our loved one re-writes our address book. Pauline and mine were re-written long before she passed, which was sad, but I always kept a positive energy in our home. I have met and talk, and cried to many people after her passing. I still shed tears even in school, talking about our life and what drives me to be what I want to become. For months after, there was not one church survives I could get though without shedding tears, but it always made me feel more at peace after. When I encounter someone telling me that I should be over this or get over this, I just kindly say, when you have traveled in my shoes then come back and tell me what time and when is it that we ever get over the passing of our soul mate, the love of my live, then will understands what it is like, until then do not say another word about it again, and may God Bless You. It shut them right up. I have made so many new friends that accept me for whom and what I am, if I have a moment and she, had tears, that is ok with them, because they had seen, or though me can feel the deep love that Pauline and I had for each other. Each Doctor and nurse that we have, or had in common, have all told me, when they came into the room was we are, they could feel the warmth, and see the glow of love. Something that some of them have never really experienced in their life. Now the tears are falling again. It is ok though. When I was growing up as the middle of 5 brothers, I had big problems controlling my anger. In those days at school when I would get in a fight or had to be sent to the principles offices, they had a board for a couple whacks on the behind. I swear it had the name Dwayne on it. It did not matter how big they were I would fight until either they dropped or a teacher stepped in. By my Senior year I was doing better with my anger learning ways of control, until on night at our Homecoming Dance. This Freshman, was picking on my little brother. This guy was about 6'2", my little brother also a Freshman was 6'. I told this kid to stop, that no one picks on my brothers, he kept at it, so The anger rose up I beat him up, now I am only 5'6" 118#, well he did not have enough the first time so after I was done with him the second time. He had 2 black eyes broken nose, slit lips and bruised ribs. He was the son of one of my teachers, yes she took it out on me. She demoted me off the editor of the class year book. I was not allowed to touch it any way again. And no matter how well I did in typing, my grade was always a ac- About 3 week after Pauline and I had met and became fiends and it was turning into love. She was still working at Pop's Place in Chapman Kansas, serving the 3.2 beer. Well one Friday night I was always in their after we met every night. When it got full I took a table towards the back and side so I could see everything, The place was packed, like always for a Friday night by then it was early June. Real hot and steamy out. This one big guy about 35-40 maybe 6'3"+ grab Pauline on her ass. I immediately jumped, up she knew were I at and looked at me and shook her head no, that she would handle it. I gave her a nod and set back down. No one really new that we were evolved with each other, and every man in that town want to have Pauline, But I know not for the good. She had seen the good in me. Well this guy the next time he ordered a beer as Pauline put the beers on the table he graded her ass an pulled he down onto his lap. I was there in like 2 seconds, I gentle picked up Pauline and in a soft kind voice I told her that the back table was waiting for her. He let go, I tuned with Pauline to make sure she was out of arms way, the I lit into him, I jump onto him sending him crashing to the floor. I did not hit him though I mad a fist and put it right over the soft tissue between your neck and chest. I told him If he wanted to live to get up and leave and never come back again. And if he every see Pauline on the street or any where to turn and go the other way, because he would never know when or where I would be watching him. After Pauline Told me my eyes looked like the eyes of the devil. When she told me that I knew I could never let that anger out again. And to this day over 34 years latter I am proud to say that I have controlled. Maybe, that is just one positive thing that has helped me to move down my new path of life. God Bless Dwayne

Thank You, Mary, Marty, and Kay, If not for the three of you in the beginning, I do not believe I could have come as far as I have, in this amount of time. I do it for Pauline, because I told her I would, but it was so hard in the early months and even now, from time to time. I am going to get some sleep now, because we do not have school on Fridays. My mind will be fresh for the morning studies. Thank You, Go Bless Dwayne

Dear jwielg1017, I lost the love of my life February 25, 2011. Do I have signs? BIG ones. We were together 33 years, Pauline had MS for many of those years, officially from 1993. On her 5 month day of her passing I had to have an operation. As they were waking me up in the recovery room, the last thing I saw was Pauline's face Happy and Healthy, even the same hair color I had dyed it for her 5 weeks before she passed. Then last week on Wednesday I woke up at 4 AM to study before going to nursing school with a really bad migraine headache. If it was a job I would have called in sick. But at school we take 2 tests every day, and I did not want to take 4 tests the next day. After I took my tests I took my medication for the migraine, but it really did not take it away. So when I got home from school I went right to bed. I was in a deep sleep. All of a sudden I heard Pauline's voice, she said " BABE" really loud. I woke right up. I put my glasses on and looked at the clock, and it was exactly the time we feed our little dog Sugar. So yes I do get signs from my wife Pauline loud and clear. God Bless Dwayne

Hi All, I am just making a quick note about my nursing school. I started on November 28, right off into terminology 350. We had 2 lessons a day starting the first day. Then the next day 1 test for each lesson, so 2 test per day. Today made the 13 and 14 final tests. I have scored 100% on all 14. Now on Monday we have our final exam on all 350 terms. I made my own way to learn and study by. It seems to work. We had about 3 1/2 hours to study today for the final. The last half hour I covered my answers and I only misses 6 terms. But it does not mean that I can let up at all. Last night I fell a sleep with my study guide and woke up at 2, turned off the light, took off my glasses, then was up at 4 to study more. I will keep you updated next week when we get our score on our final. We break for Christmas, our last day is the 15, but it is just a party day, everyone brings in food and things. God Bless all of you, and Thank You all from the bottom of My Heart for all of Your support, through my journey of grief. Dwayne

Dear AloneinDixie, We have all been where you are at right now, we have all felt those feelings of total, loss and despair. Although our journeys are different for each and everyone of us, we have all found this place out of, and from a great loss of the true love of our life. It has not even been a month for you yet, and the biggest and most important step you have taken is to reach out to others, who have traveled the same path that you have been sent down in life now. I welcome you to this very wonderful site with many very great people on here who can help you get through the very hard time ahead. Be sure to try to take care of yourself, try to eat a healthy diet, rest as much as you can and let time go by. You need not to answer to anyone. I do not know how old your children, if they still live at home of not. If they have families of the own. Just keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, It comes and goes like waves and storms on the ocean. All we can do is wait for calm water again, you will get there, it just takes time. I lost my wife Pauline of 33 years together last February 25, 2011, so it has only been just over 9 months for me. You are not alone. Keep coming back and talking about any and everything that is on your mind or that you feel. My heart goes out to you. God Bless Dwayne