Dwaynecg

Thank You All, Marty, you are right, I do and always have pushed myself hard all the time. Pauline's Father, Dad, we were just talking about that the week between Christmas and New Years. He said maybe your doing to much, but he said that he never worked with anyone who worked as hard and took on as many things as I could. I got 2 new music CD's for choir. I haven't even had the energy to open them and listen to them. By now, I would have had all the songs copied word for word on paper. Susie, you are so right, it takes, a lot of emotional energy to stay on top. That is where I am use to being at, not sinking. Although I have stopped the sinking. Yesterday, just after I wrote this thread, my friend Bob called me. He is from my Church and is right up there with the pastors, I counseled him a little over a week ago, with some very deep and dark emotions he was going through, he wanted to talked to someone who has been through the meat grinder. He knew I had been and still am in it. Well I helped him. I guess Donna, called him and told him I was having this grief wave. He talked I cried, and we talked for about an hour. After I took the computer in the bedroom and worked on a way for me to learn Anatomy, like I had done with Terminology. I felt much better after. Now to hear from all of you and your positive responses, I guess I am only human, and the brain is going to work the way it works. I think my trigger was moving Pauline's favorite Aunt to California. I drove her and her Niece to Boston on Saturday morning before school started. Maybe it was like another little piece of Pauline had slipped away. I take all your advice to heart, and I knew that this is the right place to be, to help me again. I Thank All of You. God Bless Dwayne

This week, I started back to school, taking Anatomy. For the last week or so I have not been feeling like, myself, first a bad cold, then it is like my brain is all scrambled up again, like it was 9 months ago. Un able to read and concentrate. That is not good when you are in a class that is fast pace and test, after test. 2 a day. The first 3 I was not bad all 3 were 100's, then the fourth test, I had no concentration, I took my time, by the time I was done I was in tears. I do not know why, well yes I do know why, it is a big wave of grief, washing over me. I scored an 89%, which is still good. The CEO of the schools have been at our school this week and has been in to lecture in the after noon. After class was over, Debbie, asked me to stay behind, she wanted to talk to me. She was concerned about my score. She told me when I go from 17 100 in a row to an 89, she wanted to know what was going on. She did not know that Pauline had passed away. I was crying, she asked about my medication. On Friday I went to my Doctor and had him increase my Med for now until I get out of this depression, that I am in. I do not know why it had to come on now when I need a clear mind, and be able to study. Debbie, was real nice, she told me that they will help me get though this, whatever it takes. I am not use to being so down like this, I am always the positive one, now I just do not know. I will finish my school, I will become a nurse and help others, right now I just need a little help to keep me going, get my focus back again. Thank each and everyone of you for listening, God Bless Dwayne

Dear Stacy, Me, I express my emotions, if I cry I cry. I have not been on much lately. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions my self. I love my little dog Sugar, and my birds, they always know when I am feeling down. They know how to put a smile on my face again. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry, I could not agree with you more. It was our actions with My Pauline, your Jane, that, people that we did not even know could see the light of TRUE LOVE radiating from us. That is what we left for all the people who saw us, could see a truly happy married couple. Mine 30 years, together 33. Pauline's best friend Donna, told Pauline before she passed, that the best gift she had gotten, was from Pauline. To be able to witness a true loving, honest, and happy marriage was all about, something others look for and never find. I am very proud to say I, we found, cherished and built that kind of love, and marriage, that death could only beat. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dave, Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself first, even though you did want to work. We have to put our health first, if we want to help others out there. No it is not easy. I think that it is one of the hardest things to learn, our self first, then others. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, The answer lies right in front of us, but most of us fail to see the answer. It is not going back, to what we had with the love of our life. It is taking their soul, their spirit, into our new life. They are with us every day. I know this, I feel Pauline around me all the time, I even hear her say things to me if I listen very carefully. I let Her help guide my life, my new direction, and I tell you I could not be any better off. I miss the Human contact, but we still have that spiritual we shared for all those years, that will never be broken. Do I miss Her, yes, Do I Cry for her Yes, but after all that, I still have a great peace inside, a gift she gave me. That no matter where I am , no matter what I am doing, I am NEVER alone, Pauline is always right with me, and inside me. That alone gives me great strength to move forwards in life, with a smile on my face, just like the day I met HER. This last week I have been real sick, and I had 2 things I had to get done, both real big projects. The second one was getting Pauline's favorite Aunt moved to California. I took her and her Niece to Boston airport early Saturday morning. I came home went right to bed. I wasn't sleeping yet, but I could feel Pauline next to me, the warmth of he body, I could her breathing as she slept, this is the second time this has happened. I did not move for about 10 minutes, and when I did, she was gone, she was just letting me know how pleased she was in me for taking care of her Aunt. It made me happy all day. So yes we can go on, even though our car has only two wheels, your loved one has the other two and he is there with them. Trust in him that he will help you move on into you new life. He will always be with you. He really never left, only the human body left us, not the real them, their soul, spirit, they live with us, always and forever. God Bless, My Dear Friend Becky, love Dwayne

My Dear Friend Kay, I haven't been on much the last few days. I have been sick. It breaks my heart to read this on how you feel. You have been my rock. You are still young, just not a youngster, not many of us on here are in our early years. I know the feeling about being alone, while other people our age still have their spouses. I could see that train coming down the tracks for years. Each day just a little bit closer, a little louder, until one day it stopped. It had Pauline's ticket waiting for her. I kissed her good bye, told her I loved her, she told me she loved me too, and boarded that train. It pulled away, and after the smoke cleared, there was another train, a big conductor said " are you coming on board kid, or are you just going to stand in the rain for the rest of your life? ". So I got on board. It started off slowly, building steam. The conductor opened a door and told me to get some rest. I started to asked a question, but he said there will be time for that latter. I slept for it seemed like days. I woke up hungry, and there he was at the door with my favorite foods. He said after you eat we will talk. I ate everything, and sure enough I finished the last sip of coffee, and here came the conductor. I asked him were are we headed? His reply was, any ware you want to go. We will take you and help you get there. Kay, I know that, this was just my story, but it is one I believe in with ever fiber of my being. NEVER GIVE UP or GIVE IN. We do have someone that loves us, and helps us everyday. I know HE has me. I just help Pauline's Aunt 87 years old move from the East coast to the West coast, to start a new life again after the loss of her husband. Out there she has sisters, who wants her to be with them, so we all change as life goes on. Just BELIEVE in yourself!! God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kim. You are a much better person than she will ever be. I think she knows that, and that is why she has this big guilt trip over you. But it is not you, it is all her. Please do not worry yourself over her, take care of yourself, WE are all HERE for anytime you need to talk about anything. Take Care, God Bless Dwayne

Dear Melina, I had the very same problems, only I speak only English. I found myself very sluggish and not being able to come up with the right words to say or write. I started walking, getting more exercise, I walk around 2 miles a day and fell much better. Think more clearly, and feel very strong again. It also helped my singing voice, which was a big plus for me. I school I feel like it has also helped me there also, in my concentration, and to score very high on the tests and the final exam. I am now reading the next book that we will be learning in school, Pauline already had a version of it. So try some walking and see if that helps you. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Wishful, I am glad to hear that with each milestone, you are getting a little stronger. That is all any of us can do. It is just one little step at a time, I wish you can find some kind of peace and comfort. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, I had a wonderful CHRISTmas Day, I was up early spent time reflecting on Pauline and my life together, all the fun we had, all the laughter and JOY we enjoyed together alone, with her helping hand monkeys and all the other pets we had though the years. I put my suit and new pink shirt with a red tie that has very small green wreaths on it, with my new black vintage cowboy boots with Spanish crosses on the toe the heel the shank, front and back. Pauline taught me well. I went to church, so many people complemented me, on my taste and style. Then off to Pauline's sister's Geri's house for dinner. Everyone said that I should carry a bat to keep the girls away. We ate had a great time, then it was to Greg and Donna's home, we exchanged gifts, they loved what I got them. Donna said it was like it was from Pauline, I said I know, and what they got me was very good taste, part of it I can use with my shirt I had on, for a different look. I had a far much better day than I thought it would be. The only bad part was , I got home at 10 PM and hand to get up at 2:30 AM and drive to Boston to meet a flight coming in from LA. Pauline's Aunt is moving out there, and her Niece flew out to help her pack. I will take tem back to Boston on Saturday early morning. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Kim, I agree with Kay, I think that it is better for you not to have any contact with her for now. She is just trying to make you feel like you are second class compared to her, and YOU ARE NOT. your pain and grief are real as anyone on here can tell you. You are going through three very same emotions, feelings, ups, and downs, as we all have. Just take care of you and that is it. We are all here for you anytime you need someone. I wish you some day you will find peace and comfort. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dave, That is a sure sign of the healing progress, when we can have, fun and laugh and not feel any guilt over it. I am so happy for you, that you can, have fun and enjoy life again. Keep moving forwards. God Bless Dwayne

Nats, I love that, how such great loss and in your grief travels your have found someone again. I am very happy for you. MERRY CHRISTMAS, and HAPPY NEW YEAR God Bless Dwayne

Dear Becky, I love that writing. It is really what I have felt for months, and have tried to convey to others. I am so glad to see you post this at this time of year, when we miss our loved ones so much. But if we really look and listen we can see and hear bits an pieces of them all around us every day. Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS, and a HAPPY NEW YEAR. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Mary, You write so beautiful, what a great gift to have to express yourself. I can relate to your feelings of Love, Joy, and Happiness, you and Bill shared together, because it was always Pauline and I everywhere, never one without the other, except my job, but we were still connected through our brain waves and though's. So deep were we connected, that is the hard part of this grief, missing that connection we had from day one until the human passing came. I still feel her with me. I can hear her voice from time to time, but that human contact I long so much for. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry, Once again I feel your words tugging at my heart. I can feel the pain you went through. My day will be here before I know it. How I feel and act I do not know, until the time comes. I think what you are talking about is a moral conscience, something we are all born with, that govern's our universe. Each one of use has, one and over time we stop paying attention to it. At first it is like an early warning system in a jet liner, if the jet is to low, the computer, shouts out a command, PULL UP, PULL UP, but some do not listen, so the next time their early warning system goes off it is softer, and softer, until on day they do not hear it anymore. That is when they loose all responsibility for themselves. Some of us keep it all our lives, others just pretended and suppress it, until it is gone. Once gone, it is very hard to get back, just look at all the prisons all over the world, as well as some of the world leaders. Take Care Harry, I am doing GREAT! God Bless Dwayne

OH! Dear Mary, I should have seen, Do you have some Native American in you? When you talk about the Winter Solstice, it brings back memories of see the Navaho when I was very young doing the same thing at the winter solstice. I think it is great for you to continue doing this, even though the tears steam down, and your heart ached for Bill. I say GOOD FOR YOU! I sing all religious, Christians song, they lift me up. Sometimes by the time we are done I have tears in my eyes as well. It just show our great depth of love we had, and still have in our hearts for our loved ones. I have another concert tonight at an nursing home. I really like bringing joy to the sick and yes dyeing people, that this maybe the last Christmas they will experience. That is when I am really at my best. I get so much joy in return to see all the happy and glowing faces after we sing our best. I will check out the you tube after. Gob Bless, Mary Dwayne

Dear Nats, The one thing about Christmas is that most of the time it brings out the good in all people, no matter what their beliefs are. That is the real message, going out to everyone today. No matter who you are, what you beliefs are, that on, and around Christmas, it has a way to express joy towards others that they may keep hidden for the rest of the year. This world would be a much better place if everyone just let those emotions of love and joy, happiness, flow out everyday. Be kind to each other, treat each other with the same respect that we want each and every day. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Anne, What town in Colorado? I was born and raised in Bailey, on US 285 SE of Denver, actually it was a west of Bailey just a dot on the map 1 mile west of Shawnee. This is a very small world. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Dusky, I am sure that you saw where acting Christmas every day, got me on here. Beaten and Batter. It did not stop me though, I just go about ting a little different. I wrote a very nice thread " My New Meaning of Christmas". At lot of people read but only Kay resounded. It was How My Wife Pauline always Celebrated Christmas, and really ever day of our life, but this year, because she passed on 2/25/2011, Christmas has changed forever. I will still Celebrate the same as Pauline and I always had done, but I will now Celebrated Her LIFE. But some how people, just could not open their eyes to the message, I sent, I wanted them to resound how Christmas has been changed for the also, and to Celebrate the Life of their loved one. Not the passing, but yet they could not see that. I commend you on writing this. Every day I live as if it is Christmas, I see Joy all around, I help other who are down, I give people hope you have lost all hope. I know why I was brought down from the high mountains of Colorado, into the eastern plains of Kansas, and my wife Pauline who was also brought from Fall River, Massachusetts, to those same plains in Kansas. On that day in May 17,1978, the heavens opened up and poured out so much rain we could not work. My friend, David, when we got to that turn in the road to go back home to Abilene, KS. asked if I would like to shoot pool and have a beer? I said why not. In that tiny little pub, beer was only 3.2, their she was, Pauline, I talked to her for hours, pour David had to call for someone to pick him up. I could not leave. I had known Pauline all my life. It was not by chance we met, because Pauline needed to have the very best care giver He could find, someone, that would love her above anything else in this world. I knew in a day or two after we had met, that she was like a little bird, one that was broken, battered, and bruised, so I picked up this tiny little bird into my healing hands and gave life back to her again. See Pauline had gone their at the very lowest point in her life. She always told me, that I was her Angel of Life, only one knows that for sure. Someday, when I meat him then I will know. In my heart I do now without a doubt, so everyday, I life my, LIFE LIKE CHRISTMAS. Because I was given a gift in Pauline, and I intend to repay that gift 10 fold. Thank you for your message today, Dusky, my friend God Bless Dwayne

My Dear Friend Harry, You, know I will miss not hearing your voice and the conversations we get into on the phone. You have brought a different light into my life. I am honored to have your friend ship. I know about miracles, in life, I have seen some small one myself. I am working on one right now, That I know Pauline will be very proud when I have it completed. I started on this the day after she passed, now of all times of the year, Christmas year it is all coming together at last. I do not take on the big ones like Harry does, I know in some way he will succeed at his goal. My niece is with the miracle of generating a new life. That is one miracle, Pauline and I wanted so much in live, but it was never meant to be. I have no regrets, I loved Pauline way to much for that. Yes Harry You are so right this time of years is about Miracles and we should be CELEBRATING them. I always Shine My light of LIFE out so others cans SEE that even after DEATH, LIFE, is still there for you to REACH out and take a hold for dear live, climb back up, and SHINE YOUR LIGHT OF LIFE, LIKE MINE. God Bless Dwayne "He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything." - Thomas Carlyle

Dear Kay, I Thank You very much for sharing that with us. There is a message in there for all of us. To keep making our own type of quilt, not literally, but in some sort of fashions or meaning. WE do move and heal stitch by stitch, patch, by patch, square, by square, until we have made many new fabrics in our own new life. Some can, sew faster than others. Others it seems like time has stood still, caught in that moment of fabric of time at the very end, the last days, we all had with our loved ones. I hope that this woman making these quilts and to finish on her husband, date of passing is an inspiration to us all to keep taking tiny steps every day, a year from now, you will look back and see in the sands of time just how far all those tiny steps each day takes us closer into our life but yet a different life, never forgetting our loved ones, but to embrace and celebrate the life we lived with them. Never to forget, as we make new different memories in a new world of life. I Thank You KAY, my Dear friend God Bless Dwayne The Best and Most Beautiful Things in Life, cannot be Seen or even Touched. They Must be Felt with the HEART!!!!! Helen Keller

Dear Mary, So sorry to hear such a scare about Bentley, but yet Bill did give you the answer you was looking for so desperately. That was a very good sign that he was watching over both of you. Most of the time if dogs get it on their paws, they really do not digest enough to be harmful. Like you said it, take 3 oz's, that is about 1/2 cup, paws really cannot soak up that much unless the puddle is really deep, around 6" or so if my math is correct and it depends on each dogs fur, but it is sure scary enough either way. So Happy to hear he is fine this morning. Dear Kay, You are so right about being a care giver or care taker whatever you say. It is a 24-7 job. You really get no rest, then when you add into all the medical part that you need to learn to be able to keep the comfortable, and at home, even wound care, I now more, new advanced wound care than the instructor at the school does, because, she has not be involved with it for about 5 years now. Even in 1 year they have new treatment out that I will not even know about. People think that you just sit and watch TV all day and get them their food, bath them, and to the bathroom and back, but it goes way beyond that, other family members have no idea what it takes to keep a person as healthy and as good as a quality of life as you can provide and also keeping them in good spirits all the time is a very hard thing to do. God Bless Dwayne

Dear Melina, I believe, that we all done the very best at the job of caretaker. This lung cancer, was not in any way, like Pauline was a very long really over 20 years we dealt with MS, what you had to take on and process was a relative short term, live end battle. That I believe is much harder on a person emotionally, than what I went trough. You had shocked, what to do next to try to save your husband, and so many emotions to process in a short time frame, is very hard to do. I do understand that. Who is to say you were not the best caretaker he could have, under the stress that was put upon you. I think that you was, Why because of the depth of the love you had for him. I know, you would have laid down your life to save his. That is true love. We all done the very best with what was given to us. Now we are let alone, to try to find a new but some how still the same life, just different. We have walked on this ground many times with our loved ones, it felt good, everything felt right. Now when we step onto that same ground, it is uneven, everything is out of focus, it is hard for us to wrap our minds around, the world that spins in front of us. It takes time and a lot of energy to get that lens focused again, so we can see, clearly again, and the ground, although the same as before, we can walk on it and see the world, with people, and yes we will even laugh again. The fist time you do, the guilt may seep in, but just for a moment. Then we can Laugh and enjoy it again. That is when you are making real progress into the land of the living. God Bless Dwayne