dave s

I feel that my life has become a slow motion picture show.......and the rest of the world is spinning around me and I cant catch up........people are looking oddly at me, it is almost like they are saying or whispering to each other " What is wrong with Dave? Wow he must have some issues?" Actually no one has said this to me.....but from their expressions I wonder......and I wonder right now what is occuring with me....yes I know I have issues that I never dreamnt of.........my life as I knew is over...... It has only been over 5 months since this new chapter, in my life began......I feel that i have accomplished alot of positives for myself.......work, house renovations.....attempting to get the yard back in shape.....but feel now that I am stuck......stuck in a holding pattern ......at least for the past week, of not being able to move forward......but thankfully am realizing that I am not moving back, at least to far.....am realizing that I am in a depression.....the numbness of what has happened to me this year...is wearing off........and the reality of being on my own, as we all know is hitting me. I am well aware that Mike is around me....I still take great comfort in my Psychic experience...it brought me such peace....in a great sense.......but it wasnt enough as I prepare to rebuild my life and correct the areas that I know now are not healthy for me. I am not talking about my cigaretTe intake....I am talking about the demands....that are placed on me......a draining career, a draining family, a draining lifestyle......ALL, at that I choose at one time, but it is exhausting to care for all I have......PLEASE everyone keep in mind I am so GRATEFULL for what I have..........but I need to find a proper balance......except for the career as a RN, after 20 yrs Enough!!!! Caring for others has drained me completely dry........and I find that I really......have grown to hate my job.............it is not healthy....For ME!! With all I have just said......I guess right now...am looking for some advice,encouragement just to take it slow and easy. I know what I need to do in my life to take care of myself........I feel so overwhelmed right now......how do I come up with a plan.....a plan to maintain what I have.....not talking about what i have......in a material sense, for I have learned I dont give a @#$% about that.......anymore, but how do I care for myself.......find the proper balance between having family,friends,animals gardening, and a whole lot of other things. things that I use to think....brought me joy....and build my new life and pursue my dreams? And how do I figure...WHAT ARE MY DREAMS ANYMORE????? THEY WERE ROBBED FROM ME!!! Anyhow feeling really discouraged right now.........how did this happen? ........I guess right now I am really confused.......guess yes I am slipping back into a funk..... Well enough said! Dave

I get it, have many times wondered why?! Why did this happen to Mike and why did this happen to me, when others that I see waltz through life, or I guess just seem to. I have no answer and I cant accept statements that this is " gods will" as it seems to me that a good and mercifull god wouldnt allow such pain in this world.....just dont get it! I thought of you the other day, for I am to joining in a walk, "Light the night walk" here in Tempe on 11/12, it is for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society... for this disease has had a horrible impact on my family....it killed my BELOVED grandfather in 99, he was such a genuine kind man, his son my Uncle Ron, at the age of 53 10/10..........and what an impact this disease had just recently...Mikes mom died in 1981 from this, after suffering for 3 yrs from this infliction......sending Mike to live with a Alcoholic father/stepmother at a young age......Mike was very close to his mom, and cant help to wonder......if Mikes mom would have lived.......would have Mike suffered the same affiction as his dad/stepmom.....yes I know alcoholism has a genetic connection and yet cant help to believe that environmental forces also contribute.....and yes blame this disease on Mikes alcoholism, find it easy to blame Mike for this and yet, what would I have done if my mom had died when I was 15, after suffering so.....unfortunately by the time Mike became sober, the damage was done.........so off I will go and try to raise money for this disease, and do what I can to help others avoid the impact that this disease has caused for us in my family.....Dave

Debbie, Your statement of how you con be so lonely, with so many around you......is something I have thought of so many times, the only times I actually havent felt lonely was when I recieve my signs from Mike around the home, and when I come on this site. Have also felt annoyed with others, when they complain about Mikes OCD about keeping the house clean, would give anything to have him chew me out for tracking in dirt on the floor!!! I have decided to accept that I am forgetfull, not thinking critically anymore, and have stepped back from my role as as ICU and ER nurse, to do triage, registration or PSych Nursing....as I feel I can do little damage to others in those arenas, and I use to be an aggressive driver, now usually drive 5 miles under the speed limit...just not the race car driver I once was......my mind still after 5 months is not focused enough....guess this is the new me....for now.....Take care, thinking of you.....Dave

Thinking of you and remembering what you are going through 1 month out, for me it was shock and disbelief still, and yes I have gone through many periods of crying then for awhile I can no longer cry.....at 5 months, am I coping better?......yeah I can see it at times. other times not........now I think Im greiving for myself and the many friendships that I thought I could count on during this........alas they are no longer around.. Today my day has been filled with panic recieved word that my friends that took in my horses, are being evicted today!!! I also had left my truck down there for the last 6 months, as I have had Mikes car to drive , havent had the energy to go and retrieve them!! But have had the energy to paint the house.......what a fog I have been in! The truck initially wouldnt start but all of the sudden came to life and made it home, waiting now for the last delivery of my other horse! I havent wanted to go riding since this happened, guess Mike is forcing me back into it! I hope today you can find some peace and take care of yourself...are you still in ca? Hoping that you can find plenty of support today......Thinking of you!! Dave

Oh how well I remember Mikes bday.....about 6 weeks after he died....I set off balloons......and cried, my bday was miserable this yr...he died 6 days after.....and so I tried to celebrate my bday on his......it seemed to get ME through that day...... Thinking of you!! Dave

Becky glad you are well, will be thinking of you today.......moving forward, yes it seems to be a snails pace, a monumental task! For today I just feel odd, lack of a better word, like I dont know what I am doing, but must go out and do something......if that makes any sense....Have been frequently thinking of moving from az lately, would like a fresh start......will wait several months more to make a decision.....have hesitated to plant anything here in my yard with Mikes ashes, but recently found a cheap beautifull Magnolia tree.....am thinking about putting a little of his ashes in the ground around the tree and get it established before I move......think it would be a beautifull tribute to him and our time in our home.... Take care! Dave

yes by phone she was in Massachusetts, she knew nothing about what I was calling for until we talked that day, got the pic right after.......closure? not sure I believe in that, but it did bring me some peace! Dave

As promised Psychics drawing and an actual pic of Mike hope it comes through!! Dave feel that is a very close resembelance...

Debbie, today is the 5 month anniversary of my loss of Mike, I feel your pain.....keep hoping it will get better, but it hasnt, have learned to control my grief so I can work, survive in society, have laughed some on the way, and on occasion have smiled, but the grief is always waiting for me. I woke up this am feeling pretty good, and then realized after reading a sad story.....one of the phrases was ' Love is like a bright light that warms your soul. It is the heart-pounding, alump int the throat, the cant live without you feeling, emotional intoxication, the heart breaking and a miracle all at the same time. It changes you forever". and again realized that this grief wont stop. And yet I feel that this loss has changed me forever, after reading this I couldnt stop crying and went for a drive, it did help to clear my mind and organize my thoughts. I have come to the conclusion that people fall in love many different ways, none is better than the other. But when I met Mike it was love at first sight, at least for me........that had never happened before, and it was funny that I should realize that now....after all this time. We were soo different, and yet seemed to compliment each others flaws, and were inseperable, except for the few times I wanted to expedite his demise!!!! He was no saint...but with stating this he made great efforts to change, which tells me I was so important to him also. And so I am crying again....... I understand stand how you are feeling about making decisions, having a hard time here still, really have a hard time taking care of others as a nurse, and have also taken time off......it has helped....but going to work and caring for others.....leaves me emotionally and physically exhausted and provides me with little satisfaction. Really dont think that that will return ........and know it is time for me to really be thinking of returning to school for something else.........hopefully Mike will guide in the right direction on that path. Isnt the weather great here now!!!! Had to swing by Lowes again........I think I am addicted to that store and bought somemore plants on sale.......have projects I need to complete inside, but want to enjoy this weather. Take care! DAve

hey there.....not trying to discourage you, please keep going with your dreams of being a nurse!!!! but keep in mind, try to concentrate your efforts of nursing, in the areas of ICU, Hospice, or Radiology.......Nursing has alot of opportunities.....but it is a rough career.........these areas that i have mentioned provide the best of the profession....Good luck!!!! Dave S RN, 20 yrs of experience in dealing with this carreer....

Went to my first funeral since I have imbarked on this journey, the road construction was so bad that a 1 hr trip turned into 1hr 45 min! I gave some thought of turning around and going home, but was committed to Chris to be there. Fortunately it was standing room only and he wasnt aware of my tardiness and it was over within 30 more minutes including a grave side service. At which point Chris saw me and waved me over to meet the family, Chris was obviously upset, and I gave him a hug. I held it together until I saw his dad, the look of desperation, fright,just plan scared to... death was written all over his face, the same look I have had for weeks and months, explained to him that I recently lost my spouse and was placed on the same journey as he...and encouraged him to utilize all services available through hospice for ongoing care for himself and his family....it was almost like a look of relief came over him for a brief second, like he was thinking.......someone understands! I was asked to come to the family dinner,WOW, guess I really did make an impact! I explained that I already had other obligations and to call me whenever needed...... I then walked out of the cemetery, while crying myself......out of the corner of my eye I saw, a gravestone with the name Michael Collins on it, just strange to me that that happened, although not really, Michael Collins, is a fairly common name........but non the less.......I stood there for a few minutes and cried......then all of the sudden the tears stopped........I was able to smile, guess he was with me....and was able to make it home thinking along the way......I really am not scared of death, I accept death as the natural order of life, in many ways death can be a beautifull thing.............except for what it does to us survivors. I really do get what everyone says about going on to a better place where you hurt no more........but cant help but question what are our loved ones are thinking after they have passed......I cant help but believe that they are also upset....upset about leaving us behind....... In route to home I stopped off at my favorite store Lowes to get some paint for the on going painting here.......after I got the paint I went to the garden section and wandered, my old friends there saw me and told me that there suppliers got in trouble by the state for not putting the correct sizes on the containers and everything was on sale, I wandered there for 2 hrs, looking at different plants and what I could do with them, I could have bought every plant they had.......but no space, finally settled on a few.....a flowering Magnolia tree......should be really pretty.......now the next question....do I put some of mikes ashes in with this tree.....even though I really dont think I will stay in Arizona much longer, if I leave the property, how can I expect someone else to care for this tree that will have some of mike in it??? Something I will need to ponder.......and realize now that my time spent at lowes was not wasted time, it felt good to wander among the plants and think of something else...I guess cheap therapy! I work with helping people everyday........and rarely feel that it is appreciated........today I felt that just my short appearance there was of great help to Chris and dad.......it felt good..... Everyone take care!! Dave

Thanks for sharing, so sorry for such a tragic situation.......we have to deal with it all the time in my line of work and we have found that the drugs we usually use to sedate people, have a difficult time affecting those on bath salts, very powerfull substance......Dave

Mary, really nicely done. Dave

Debbie, I think your in the phoenix area right? so here is a number for a crisis line, just in case they can help and talk to you as needed 602-222-9444 thinking of you! Dave

I hope you were able to have a happy day!!! Thinking of you!!!! Dave

Oh Debbie, how I get that feeling of wanting to check out, this pain is worse more than what i can imagine an amputation to be, well I guess it is an amputation of sorts, part of our souls have been cut out, as I believe Harry stated so well " without anesthesia". It will be only 5 months, on Sunday, since I lost Mike....so am not seasoned by anymeans on what to do on this journey, but was has helped me tremendously to come to this site often and talk to others. It helps to share my grief with others and to share in theirs, and to be reminded to take these days at times, 15 minutes at a time, if needed........Thinking of you...Dave

Wow Mary you always know what to put to paper.....very good! Debbie, welcome to our group so sorry for your loss, you will find this site invaluable on your new journey Take care....Dave

Dad is home!! doing reasonably well!!! What a crazy week!! My day yesterday was eventfull.....with a class at work, commute, I then went by Mikes condo, first time since he moved in with me .......some tears fell, but not as bad as anticipated. For I really felt great peace remembering that our home is where I am at now and his home will be wherever I settle in the future. I got home to my Bereavement Counseling session, we discussed the possibility that after yrs of caring for others.....seeing horrible things, caring for Mike, and caring for myself during this dark time, and seeing the real chance that I could lose dad.......I feel that yes I could have some PTSD at present......will as the counselor said, work on some gentle care for myself..... I then went and took care of some other family conflict, and left that situation with great peace knowing that I dont need to be around that toxic person for awhile.... I then went to the Gay Grief Support group in the eve, it was good to meet others and talk, it was good to hear others storys, and see how some are coping after losing their partners and other family members, and suffering from the loss of pets, jobs, and homes during this poor economy, Made me feel lucky that I am in just the situation I am.....and sad to hear others report that after the loss of their partner.....how family members would just move in taking all possesions, with out regard for the survivor......tragic, and yet am hopefull that samesex marraige will soon be legal nationwide, so these stories.....wont continue! I even took a nap yessterday.......what a day!! Doing ok here for now, tomorrow will bring another challenge......my first funeral since I lost Mike, my coworker asked that I come to the funeral of his mom......my first thought was no, I cant do that......but that young man needs some guidance.....or better said some support.....so will do what I feel I need to do..... Take care! DAve

Hey there, WOW a movie star here!!! Cool! glad you went home for awhile, hope you are able to get some good family support and TLC! Yes somedays you just want to lay in bed and not get up, or maybe that is what we need to do sometimes......I get your burning feeling, at soon to be 5 months......I still have that sensation...as you can tell from my posts things have been STRESSFULL, but things are better at present ... Glad to hear from you, was thinking about you yesterday and was hoping you are ok! Best wishes! Dave

Dear Kay, its your b-day?!! Happy Bday! Dave ps sorry about the job status....

Dewayne Thanks for the support you gave your co-worker and your groups acceptance in your grief support group, for the gay/lesbian population, it is wonderfull!! I have gone to other grief support groups...unfortunately have felt that I could never say the name Mike in our conversations, he was only called my spouse....So tonight, will feel free to open up, and not feel vulnerable that I will be judged by others, and can celebrate the love I have for Mike! One of the great things I have felt here is complete acceptance!!! For which I am very gratefull !!! Although Mike and I were "out" to our family and friends we were carefull to be quiet about our relationship to others, when this happened in our lives, I lost all guard about this and didnt care who knew.....have to say that I have had nothing but respect and support shown to me by neighbors and coworkers!!! When I look back on this I am amazed, many yrs of being conditioned, to stay quiet, went away......although I felt vulnerable "out there", my grief outweighed those concerns......but.....when I went to one of the grief support groups.....I just couldnt take the chance, in my weakened state to deal with any "problems" associated with this though.........on the flip side of this coin I have to say.....I ALSO havent given others, in that grief support group the chance to show me the love and acceptance that I have recieved here! There seems to be a wonderfull change in society now with the acceptance of the gay/lesbian population and I look hopefull to the future for the younger population...... Thought it was a big deal when my father in his weakened state was telling others , in the hospital what a rough yr it was, to have lost his son-in-law and to be so sick, he has come along way, made me proud! Anyway, going to be a long day, I live a hr away from work and alot of things.....figure I will be on the road for 4 hrs today just commuting!!! The price I must pay for living away from the hustle/bustle that I see in the Phoenix "big city" life......I have had, almost 30 different addresses in my life, have lived around the world!!! And yet the Phoenix area is the largest area I have ever lived in!!!! And yet I was able to find a little peace living out here on our acreage, horse country all around me!A place where there is no Home Owner Association telling me that i cant have a pot of flowers on my porch, a place where if the dogs escape, the neighbors take them in until I get home, but for today, I wish I lived in town!!! Oh well, a price to pay for everything.......how well we all know...... Woke up this am, yelling " Mike I miss you" dont know what I was dreaming of, but surprisingly so wasnt crying......interesting....today it is raining a bit here a big deal for this part of the world, amazing that the roads here can be just as slick as the roads back in mt, with all the snow we use to get, so will be cautious Everyone please take care!! Dave

Kay, thinking of you and GOOD LUCK!! Dave

Well a long day but good, 12 hrs at work, 2 hrs driving......Nursing aint an easy racket! Spent some time with dad this eve on the way home....he continues to do well! and is moved out of icu to a step down unit...... Great!!!! What a week! It has just about done me in, time for some down time, but alas not in the cards.......yet. Tomorrow have a class for 2 hrs, 2 hrs drive time to and fro, and then home to my counselor, I really do think she is cool, and look froward to her advice and reassurance!!! Then off to take care of business, pick up some more paint for the fence, then to see dad again, off to Sharons house for a quick dinner ( Mikes sis) and to Healing rainbows a gay grief support group, the first one that is closer to my home...........then home and back to work fri! Man I need some time off.......again!!! Just so you know, I was able to intervene for the young man at work who just lost his mom, and his supervisor who wouldnt give time off, expected him to return to work the day after the funeral, this sat..being me and knowing how to play on people, hope I only use this for good purposes! I didnt want to cause any "drama" for this young man.....he is a good kid, maybe 23-26 didnt ask...I went into the Nurses station and announced, to others around me, his supervisor was there.....explained how much this job meant to me and how everyone here was so great about protecting my back during this very trying time, how people stepped up and allowed me to take as much time off as I have needed.....and announced that his mom had died just recently and I hoped that we would provide the same love and support to him as they had for me......1/2 hr later he was in the kitchen with his supervisor, later he announced that the time off was granted, without issue......the gratitude on his face was incredible!!! Actually made me feel really good, like he was really looking up to me! Interesting feeling to me!!! Well.....need to dust the house, have to do all my ritual everyday, control issues....I guess.....By the way hated to hear of the loss of Steve Jobs, made me realize again that I never watch the news anymore......I use to be a "news junkie" especially with MSNBC, not to start a controversial subject...Please! Just cant stand the drama of the world, at least not yet!!! Take care!! Dave

Two days ago we were advised to prepre for the worse.....today dad sailed through surgery with an expectant release date of this fri!!!!!!! Thanks for the wonderfull support!!!!!! Dave

Hang in there! Dave