dave s

Thanks for your input Kay, Dewayne, Nats. I woke up to a frigid house this am the thermometer states it is 37 outside, rare to be this cool here this time of the yr! Had to turn on the heat here! Wow I remember 2 winters in Montana, in a camper without heat, I was much younger and poorer then, sure seemed like life was much simpler then, with the only reason I felt I was alive was to go skiing.....lol I miss those days! I found myself last night and this am walking through the house, reminding myself that these belongings were Mikes and yes he was really here, I remember less than a yr ago, how healthy Mike appeared, how, while he was unemployed, he would take care of everything at home, I was so pampered, all I had to do was take care of the animals and yard, and work...... I never had to cook, do housework, heck! I would jump into the shower and when finished, my clothes for the day/eve were on the countertop......was a wonderfull feeling that someone cared.......I love those memories! Wow we were so happy! And then the nightmare began.......or as Nats put it life and then reality.....am starting to think I am going through this to make me the "Wise" old Uncle for my kids......someday they will call with a problem (hope it is nothing like what I have seen) and I will be able to guide them through their problem...............I guess that is why my favorite Aunt Linda calls everyday to check on me, she has never been down this path........but her support has been great or at least a distraction for me. Just got off the phone with some old family friends back in Ks, they have been connected to the family for 60 yrs at least, in fact my gma served their dinner on their wedding day. I love them dearly and call them mom/dad. I have never told them of my relationship with Mike, as I thought they would be judgemental, of course I am sure they had heard of my relationship with him through others, just wasnt something I felt they needed to know.......and actually thought they would be......judgemantal, they had called to check on me due to the 6 month anniversary approaching, they were very supportive. Learned another lesson, those in my life I thought would be supportive.....many are not, others I didnt expect have been......interesting, and actually am very proud of them! Hope everyone is hanging in there, going to go take care of the horses, chickens, cats, dogs etc....... Dave

Hi sorry to hear of what is happening in your life and so sorry you didnt feel welcome here I amjust checking in for today.....somedays am not able to check in due to time restraints........or lack of energy from what I am enduring. I lost Mike 6 months ago 5/9/11 at the age of 45 from liver disease. I was his sole caretaker, plus worked full time as a RN.....it was exhausting, my plate was full, such as yours......I understand you dont want to tell him to much as you are afraid he will give up......that is what happened to us, we were originally given 2 yrs....then 6 months......Mike died 2 weeks later... I understand how those that are afflicted with this disease grow increasingly confused, delirious......it is so upsetting to watch this occur, and when it got so bad I ended up placing Mike in a nursing home lock down unit for his safety......and so I could rest, although dont know what rest I got......as i couldnt leave his side......he went into Septic Shock and was placed inpatient Hospice and passed 5 days later...... I wish I could advise you that things will get better, yes I felt a sense of relief when it was over....then began my new journey into grief, a journey that I had never experienced on this grand of a scale............ Take care of yourself, hard to do now.......how well I know.............Dave

In the last few days, I have felt like I have been living in a dream....or at times better stated a nightmare. I still sense Mike around with the footsteps that I hear at night, with his belongings, with the sense that I can see him for a split second in our home. I feel him when I cook with his utensils, wear his shirts, drive his car, when I do things around the home that we had talked of doing, getting chickens, planting another garden.....He is in our home all the time, through photographs, and the Psychic drawing that I have of him.........but did he really exist in my life? It just doesnt seem possible that this happened. Oh I know I have been overwhelmed this yr, remodeling the house getting rid of my stuff, having Mike move in, it was my first live in relationship in 20 yrs! (In all my other relationships we maintained our own homes, but with Mike it seemed to be "right" to take that "plunge"with) Then how dare him get sick and die, with only being in my life on a daily basis for 113 days! And then came the grieving, the constant sickness I have felt everyday. How I have fought everyday, to "get better" realizing along the way.....that I really dont know what that means. How I have dealt with rebuilding a life that I have no idea which direction this existence is taking me. How I have dealt with constant work stress, family stress.......and remodeling our home again! How I have dated again and found someone that is wonderfull to me.....I love the fact that we are developing a beautifull relationship based on a true friendship, a man that is gentle and patient with me, a man that has cared enough to be with me during my grief counseling, and who is caring enough to listen to what I and my counselor are saying....and is not afarid to talk of Mike..... all of this has occured in the last 11 months of my life........ All of this is surreal to me.......is this really happening to me.........the 6 month anniversary is coming next tues 11/9..........cant believe it, I have been in such a fog, and at times now I feel that it is lifting.......at times.....the numbness has lifted, the pain has worsened and yet...for the past few days I feel I can cope with it.....for the moment..... What to do with the rest of my life? Will this nightmare....turn into a dream? Will I remember all the good times.....or will they forever be clouded, with this painfull grief? Where am I going next with this grief? This journey is more than I bargained for......more than any of us bargained for.........I feel that I have lived more in the last 11 months, then the last 20 yrs of my life! I have alot of questions and alot of growing to do yet........Take Care! Dave

Ken , so sorry to hear of your loss, I lost Mike almost 6 months ago at the age of 45, I understand your extreme pain! I also understand your desire to cleanse the house of anything that reminds you of the illness..........and of anything that reminds you of your loved one.....felt the same at about week 2, in fact had arrangements made for Goodwill to come the next day, was going to start new! I woke up that day and called and cancelled and still have everything left, as he left it.....I really encourage you to wait, on getting rid of her belongings.....for awhile, you will know best when that can be done..... A bereavement group can be so valuable! The support and encouragement from others that are going through the same as you is a lifesaver! And of course this site has saved me! When I feel the worse, I just cant wait for the next meeting and need immediate support...this site is filled with amazing people that can provide that. Please take care, Dave

Hope you enjoyed your time this Halloween! Thinking of you....Dave

Pam I get what you are saying.....I have thought on my many long commutes to work ( 1 hr to 1 1/2 hr each way) that it would be so nicer at times to be with Mike.....there is no doubt in my mind that it would be.....but for 2 people in my life, dont get my wrong I love all my family and friends, but when my bestfriend nephew Colton who is 5 and in kindergarten called me today, he was so excited about Halloween and of course his precious sister 2 yr old Abby, calls my Favorite, not Dave my heartmelts and , for me, for now it is enough of a reason for me to cont to try to quit smoking, was doing good until dad got sick.....back to it here...but will continue to fight this demon! And for the first time in my life, I realize that I want to start living for myself.......and not just for others........sounds selfish? Yeah I see that, finally, years of caretaking others has left me worn out........and owe it to myself to find another way for me.....to make a living, for today I am excited about the future, for today......... Still miss Mike like crazy.........Dave

Mary...I know the feeling of parting with the belongings, have not done much yet, an old teeshirt, left over food in the freezer......and yesterday bought an antique clock......placed it in a place that Mike had hung another pic......have to admit it looks better there then the pic....but........feels funny....I still have his empty shampoo bottles in the shower and the last bottle of bleach he used and placed in the trash, in the laundry room is still there, his clothes are still in his closet, although I wear them on occasion they are always hung back in the spot he left them. and of course, we can never forget the parting of the tires!.......am thinking of you.......Dave

Guess i have been lucky, have recently reconnected to an old friend that I had met before Mike.......has been good support, and has encouraged me to keep all pics of Mike up in the house......and was impressed when he also met with my grief support counselor, am still heartbroken about Mike and as my counselor says "you know you will never get over Mike, but maybe what has happened is the fertilizer to make something beautifull between you and Ed" We will see am very guarded here....but still very akward.....Actually a great day here, for today.....alot of fun with Ed.......but other things came up.....feel that I have stepped back in time.......and yet as Marty says......I have learned how to deal with the downs in my rollercoaster ride......we will see....Best wishes to all! Dave ps QueenieMary the pic is great, sure miss the changes of the trees in az

Just got a message from Mike sister, her grandson just was visiting, 7 yr old, his statement was " who drew that pic of Uncle Mike" funny how kids and animals see, sense this stuff, Mike never wanted the cats inside and chased them out of the house many times.....to this day those indoor cats still walk in and walk right out of the house, like they can see or sense him.........this thought of him here still brings me some comfort... Dave

Dewayne, sorry to hear of another snag in your plans....yes must be very frustrating! thinking of you Dave

Mary, that is a great pic of you and Bill !!You were a dish!! And still are!! Thanks for sharing! You two looked so happy together.........I feel your pain, thinking of everyone out there.....and also understand their pain.......Dave

Hi feeling your pain overwhelmed......just so you know we can be with our loved for 50+ yrs or for a few months.....it doesnt matter love is love....the pain is just as deep.....please contact you local hospice I am sure they can point you in the right direction for support, care......Dave

Hey everyone, has anyone else looked up the site called "Widows Voice" Marty turned me onto this awhile back...WOW the wealth of info Marty has!...and have found this site interesting as 7 widows/widowers write about their experience each day of the week, our site here is wonderfull, so please dont get me wrong, but this site offers some different thoughts......anyhow thought it might be helpfull for some......Thinking of everyone! Dave

Doing ok today, but was alarmed when I went to get the soup I had made last night out of the fridge......it wasnt there and found the crock pot in the dishwasher.....apparently I think I was sleep walking, and it shook me up..hope the dogs liked it.....I have never been known to do that......called my friend here in town who lost her husband 12 yrs ago, she laughed and said "I forgot to tell you, when I lost Lee I started to sleepwalk and still do" Nothing to worry about it is caused by stress,fatique, drug and etoh use, and genetics......the only problem I have is stress, fatique...genetics? We never knew Dad's father........so the control freak here, felt out of control......and he doesnt like it! Her theory is we never know what this trauma has done to our brains.....makes sense that some changes should occur. Well off to see some friends this afternoon, need to get out of this house, property for awhile Dave

Dear Rmh I am gratefull for today has brought some relief from the overwhelming pain that I have dealt with for just over 5 months.....am I ok, not really but trying to adjust to my new identity...when I say I am not ok......it is like I dont know who I am anymore......despite trying to build my new life and seeing many positives!!! I feel awkward, weak,vulnerable, scared..........like everyone on this site.... so please take care and visit here as needed........Dave

LOH.......never to worry about not supporting others, no expectations here on this site.......since I have joined this group have had nothing but great support and encouragement.....and your feeling overwhelmed...... we all feel that at times, just check out my blogs...just recently felt like I could deal with no more pain.....and things have improved...at least for today! My best wishes to you and come back here and talk as often as needed.........it has saved me.....Dave

Hi everyone, doing here not better not worse.....coping and actually after spending the morning rebuilding my chicken coop and buying 6 more hens ( have lost 5 chickens in the last week, the door that I wire shut each night is open in the am HUM???) I realize that a bit of exercise has made me feel more energetic, now what to do with out overdoing it? Maybe it is time to do some journalling.....maybe not am tired of the grief, tired of crying......but little really excites me now....... Thks for the compliments on the rose, when I was a kid in KS, I use to help my gpa with his garden, it was so much fun being with him, he was such a kind and generous man!! They always said that my great gma had a green thumb to the point if someone gave her cut roses, she would plant them and have roses all the time! So with this background being said just in the past few yrs I have really gotten into gardening, and am proud to say....I use to have people knock at the door wanting to cut some of my flowers......that is such a good feeling to me and of course I would allow them to do so..... Recieved a phone call from an old friend from Ks, he yrs ago left the states and moved to France, married a lady there and has a beautifull family now, he is aware of what I am going through from facebook, and is supportive. He asked me to consider coming to Europe for a vacation........I think it might be good for me, also to see where Mikes family came from In Italy and Greece.......something to think about and incorporate into my new life...some more travelling...........will have to look at the budget! Well after typing this I am realizing that actually, for the moment.... am feeling better.......I hate what I am going to say, but will say it anyway, anymore I am scared of feeling better........as I worry about the next fall around the corner....... Thks and everyone take care! Dave

Glad you had a good day!! Dave

Becky, I am so sorry about your loss..Annabelle sounds like she was a wonderfull member of your family, please know that I am thinking of you......Dave

Thks marty have ordered this book, sounds like it was written for me. Dave

Thanks Marty a very good article to listen to! I agree any loss we have recieved here......to me is traumatic and as horrible as a violent loss, as they mention and can cause PTSD. Hope I am able to turn my experience into some positive growth at some point, someday...... Dave

Thanks to all for the thoughts of support and encouragement, have spent the am crying, fretting, and finally went and sat on the front porch and drank 2 pots of coffee, it tasted so good! And I saw the rose that I posted earlier, seems so fitting to me that everytime I am really down......the roses do something, Mike and I always enjoyed them so much......so at present I refuse to believe nothing else, but that it is Mikes way of saying he is with me.......of course this brings me hope......but do I feel better......NO........but feel that I can cope.........for this moment...... The rest of my day I have planned doing what will make MY life easier....I havent totally finished painting the house, it was so good for me at one point during this process....but for some reason I just couldnt finish it all, for I thought if it was all done what would I do next? During this time I had moved everything out of the master bathroom into the dining room, making my life complicated. Is it really a big deal?????Absolutely no, not a priority in my life!!! But to put everything back away could make the flow around here....easier. I feel that it is something that I can easily accomplish today......with out stressing myself, for I just dont have the strenght to deal with stress.....as I once could. I have a grief support meeting tonight, will I go? Not sure...it is a wonderfull thing, a positive thing......but I live a hr away........I commute about 1,000 miles a week now for work and family issues......and 2 more hrs in the car today seems to be a monumental task......in fact I am out of milk.....the nearest store is 20 minutes away, so called my neighbor...he will pick someup on his way home from work today....... I know what set me off yesterday, yes it was alot of things but what broke this camels back was at work.....I have been filling in at a Psych ER since Mike died, Have done this for yrs......yes it is exhausting work, filled with constant drama.......but it is relatively safe, for it is hard to hurt a Psych pt with the wrong meds........but if I work ICU/ER, if I am not thinking straight.....yes I could miss something...and potentially kill someone......so for me it worked for the summer.......yesterday they announced my hrs would be cut as they hired more RNS to be on call!!! Why this interfers with me and $$$ and means that I have to go back into the ICU/ER ( I asked my boss if my work was fine, and no complaints he repeatedly told me I was doing great and everyone was impressed with what I have done, during this time).......not happy about this....but do know that things happen for a reason, for if I dont go back to the ICU/ER soon I will lose my skills with will make getting work harder, if I should move........so will try not to fight the river here........As for a vacation, yes that would be positive.....but a couple of weeks is not enough...I am fried with Caretaking.......no joy here for me........as for Hospice work, yes I see the beauty in it soo much, but much too soon, at least for me...........I will continue to think and explore other things in life that might make me energized at work.......and hopefully back to school soon........in the next couple of yrs? No it needs to be sooner then that! Mary and I have spoke about the need in the country for more Grief ED......I see such a tremendous need, how healthy could it be, if we all had some background in this at a early age......and how much better could society be??? Maybe thats an avenue I need to think more on......... Thanks again everyone! Dave

Woke up this am to a gift the Don Juan that Cheryl gave me had its first bloom for me today.......funny when I am at the end of my rope......a gift is sent by someone....I chose to believe Mike.........thought you all would like to see......will fill you in on the rest of my day and plans for today later..Dave