dave s

nicely said Harry!

Yesteray Ed got home before I to find the house was broken into............Gone are some stuff that doesnt mean a whole lot, a gun ,meds..............THEY TOOK MY LAPTOP, WITH ALL OF MIKES PIcS AND THE MEMORY STICK WAS ATTACHED, WITH ALL OF HIS PICS AND ARCHIVED POSTS...................................................................................................................I am broken hearted.........and it was the 14th month anniversary of his death...................................... I am so disgusted that I am sick to my stomach.....I feel like someone has just this scar open again......Dave

I have never doubted others explanations of the 2nd yr blues, but didnt understand such until it happened. I have a wonderfull new relationship, with a man that is supportive of me everyday, I am beginning a new life in a soon to be new home, work is work ugh! but dealing with such, but why dont I feel physically better...I hate the fact I havent the energy I once had......the desire to push myself just aint there.....it is almost overwhelming to me what I have done and what I want to do, for Mike and yet....I want it so much for myself! I am so excited about what is coming and yet.......I guess I am filled with some dread that things wont be nice......that I will fail.....is this the fact that 14 months ago tomorrow Mike died, the fact that my body hasnt recovered from this assault yet......or the fact that I am getting older or is it the thought and some guilt that I can see happiness.......or the thought that I wanted this to be over after the first yr........and although I feel so much better....but this nagging memory is ever present.....I felt so good about things yesterday and today ugh!! I am so frustrated!!!!

So glad you did this......I contacted a medium a few months after Mike died...it did bring me alot of comfort...it was amazing that she was able to tell me that Mike approved of the new colors I had painted this home...and she was able to report the new color of the front door, also I have an extensive rose garden here..the heat of the az summer had done in all blooms...but at the end of our conversation she reported to me that Mike was leaving me with one perfect pink rose......I didnt think anything of it and went about my day trimming the yard.....and there was 1 perfect pink rose! tucked in the death of the az summer! the only bloom in the yard!! A person that has given me alot of support and encouragement on the web site....told me that there is a very thin veil between this life and ????? Dave

Hi Jan, my personal experience with Mikes ashes were difficult and yet helpfull, I alone picked them up from the funeral home...crying as i buckled them into his seat.......but since then touching these ashes.......which are Mike and yet are not.........has been some great support.....or better said comfort to me. Mikes friends actually demanded that I have a memorial and scatter his ashes in California. at his favorite spot........I immediately became very angry reminding them that this was not about Mike and them.....but about Mike and me at this point....and that my feelings trumped theirs.....havent heard from those "friends" since.......and havent had a formal memorial service yet....... My plans for Mikes ashes have changed since then, yes i know what he wanted and will honor such....to a degree and yet have every intention to accomplish the bucket list....it went so fast that we accomplished nothing......so every time I go ona trip I hope to place some of Mikes ashes in a beautifull spot......to me how wonderfull to have something of his placed in beautifull places!! to become part of that!! I know that you are new at this.....at 14 months I am a seasoned pro!lololol.......What ever you decide.......is what you need to do..........just take your time and.......it will come to you...Best wishes!! Dave

Lina, Hang tight not a good idea to be making a decision like this right now, as others have said, medications, testing...and please do not take it personally, but perhaps more frequent cleaning of the dogs and house.......it helped me! Also keep in mind, kids tend to outgrow such things...or could this all be pollen??? And yet despite the fact they we know our dogs, cats etc are our family.......you child tumps them.....rough decision.........Take Care! Dave

Thinking of you Kay...Dave

Lina, I am certain we all have felt this....we have been hit and hit hard and the toll that this extracts is normal. Although I do " feel better" at just over 1 yr, somedays I dont recognize myself in the mirror.....but I guess this is the new me. Hope you are able to try to take care of yourself, rest exercise,and the rest of that good stuff. Take care! Dave

I really think this is great!! And going with friends, it should be a great time! ( although bittersweet at times, no doubt ) I now have the itch to start taking some of the trips Mike and I were planning....Dave

Dear Lina, I understand what you are feeling the numbness wearing off and the tears. It is ok to cry as much as you need.....it is part of this horrible journey......Dave

Mary I have enjoyed your thoughts today, although things have been happening in a positive way here, the sadness does catch me off guard when it comes for a visit, am trying to embrace it for I know it is also me now.......Today started well, until I went outside the Magnolia tree that I planted for Mike with some of his ashes, that was so young, exciting, beautifull, overnight has dropped to the ground........dont know what is wrong with it......it reminds me of our relationship so young, exciting and beautifull......and then gone (not sure why the font has changed on the computer). So sadness has come to visit again.......have been so excited about moving...and yet not sure I can leave this tree....Mike behind......Dave

Yes Lina grief is horribly irrational, and yes I still remember how in those early days it did seem like I was having a panic attack, especially when I would come home from work and force myself to walk into the house, I felt that my legs would buckle and I would have to run into the bathroom and throw up, the wide range of emotions of anger,sadness, and yes some happiness that his suffering was over, my emotions were so labile. Please remember 1 day, 1 minute at a time, a whole lot of deep breaths, a whole lot of work and patience....and time........ and my favorite phrase from this experience " gentle care" of yourself....at just over 1 yr I can honestly say.....it will improve......you are going to be ok.....but in the mean time....I get it! Hang in there!

Hi amw my Hospice Counselor was fabulous! 12 months of help support, guidance, the list goes on and on, she put me touch with support groups and encouraged me and also pointed out areas that I needed to concentrate on she really became my good friend, not sure what I would have down if she wasnt available. I wish you alot of peace on this journey, at 12 months I am seeing the beauty in life again, Thanks to this site and my Counselor MaryJo. Dave

Hi I that work in the mental health field opted not for meds, others have and feel that it was helpfull. With this being said the choice to explore medications is an individual choice, and I recall that Marty has some excellent articles about this and can point you in the right direction to learn more. Best Wishes! Dave ps for me, I guess the onl thing that I would have changed in this past yr, would I would have got away more, for some trips etc.....I stayed at home and became a "home body", I guess it was what needed at the time.......

Mary good for you, I also took a leap of faith today, after much drama and uncertainty this week I decided and finally signed a bid on a home in the mts.....it remains to be seen if it will come through...it also remains to be seen what jobs i can find, nursing aint what it use to be.....difficult to find work.....but I have options, finally came to the conclusion if I dont try to do it now....I will be kicking myself in a few yrs. And have someone here who wants to rent my home here......so we will see?????? Dave

Wow was cruising through my day at work, thought and smiled that 1 yr ago today I made the decision to stop all treatments, and place Mike in an inpatient unit at Hospice, knowing that I did it with great love......that worked until about 5:15 pm when out of the blue it hit, tears, tears and more tears, feel like I have been hit in the gut...... I remember so well that day, in fact i had forgotten all the details until today....,...and that special moment as we are rolling him out to the ambulance for the trip to hospice, he who couldnt make any sense all day looked at me and smiled stating " thanks for all you have done i love you", funny to me that it has taken a yr to remember that wonderfull moment.....what a hell of a life lesson this has been....Dave

Hi Mary no the anniversary is 5/9 just this time last yr was when it all came to a head, in the nursing home lockdown unit, trips back to the hospital and the day when the doctor told me he was septic, we could fight it, and yet there was nothing left of his body to fight it with, and the decision I immediately made to stop all treatments, it went so fast! So many decisions were made in such a short time......but again i know I did the best I could for him, He was lucky that he had fallen in love with a nurse!!! lol!

Becky I find it funny that you consider me an inspiration, for there are many moments of this last yr that I was a complete mess, as you understand. I just got lucky to find Ed who has stood beside me during this process, He, my beautifull therapists Colton age 6, and his sister abby age 3, and everyone on this site has inspired me to keep going.....with that said I wish this "journey of grief" was completely over.....but at least for me, at present am finding the grief not as debilatating. Dave

Today went well, few thoughts of Mike and last yr 5/4/2011, the last day Mike was in our home, that horrible day when I had to make so many horrible decisions...to place Mike in the lock down unit at a nearby nursing home. Surprisingly to me I felt great peace today, and even commented to our dear friend Cheryl today, that I knew I did the best I could at the time and felt Mike knew it to......after that I honestly thought little of Mike the rest of the day at work, even getting home didnt even remember the anniversary.....did my customary chores upon arrival home, took my shower, went into the bedroom........and I swear Mike was standing next to the bed, it lasted a few seconds......I smiled I laughed, and blinked and he was gone.........it was so nice! Thanks Mike for a belated bday present....chose to believe he was checking on me or wanted to say hi........lol think I will sleep well tonight! Dave

The day has turned out nice, nicely have done nothing exciting all day! Went for a ride that seemed to do me some good, and felt Mike with me....it was nice. Ed had plans for dinner for me tonight, but ran into problems at work and needs to work late, he was feeling bad about this, not me, no need for him to be stressed around me, and god forbid he should lose his job, because of my bday......wouldnt be a nice present for me......so this weekend! Many phone calls came this day and many well wishes via facebook it made me feel loved.....and was really great to hear from Mike's family, throught hem I still feel like I have a connection with Mike. Thanks for all the well wishes! Dave

Hey Friends went through my post, found that I wasnt able to correct my title of my post, to be honest have always taken pride in my grammar, but alas didnt check the title of this post before submitting......lololol this was suppose to say I Will Never Be 46 Again......... where is my mind??????? Dave

In theory, in 2 hrs I turn 47! Each bday that I reach, I look back on the past yr...and try to come up with a plan, for myself for the following yr, of where I want to be and what I want to accomplish, usually I end up short of what I set out to do.....but I try. But this last yr.....Wow...I never planned for this......on May 2 2011 I was begging Mike to answer the phone while I was at work, and to let friends into the house to check on him while I was at work, begging him not to smoke on the couch, to protect him from burning down the house....and more importantly him....I went to bed that night knowing I had to work the following day, my bday for I wanted to save my time off......for him.....to feel better, to live to work on his Bucket List.....My bday 5/3/2011 was filled with a sickening sense of dread....of what I would come home to......and rightfully so, although in his weakened state, he managed to state to me " Happy Bday" and smiled, unfortunately the house was littered with broken glass. Mike would get a glass of water and forget it was in his hand...drop it and get another.......It was so upsetting, especially for me on my bday.....I promptly put Mike to bed stayed up for hrs cleaning....to be awaken by the sheriffs office finding Mike walking the dogs.....naked (now I can laugh, but at the time......WOW) decisions had to be made, and were made on 5/4/2011, to place Mike in a lockdown unit in a nursing home............the rest progressed with Mikes death 5/9/2011.....more memories to come........ What have I learned in the yr to follow........not sure.........guess I have learned to survive although I was certain many times I would not. Learned that it was ok to leave work to sob....learned that it is ok to set limits on what others expect from me...learned it was ok to let someone wonderfull into my life again.....(was never sure I was ready for this again and he, fortunately was persistant enough to keep trying...for me) Learned that others are sent into my life for a reason, and that past experiences and situations, may come back to me.....(ie Cheryl)..learned that I could forgive Mike, and many others....for many instances of ignorance....for they have not lived through this.....the list, I am sure will continue.....as I remember and think of all..... As I turn 47..the perfect Bday present would be continued peace...a peace that I would just let things happen, to stop fighting the flow of life, and of fate...to continue to pack up my life here and move forward, to a new and different life...46 sucked! and yet I have learned a whole lot........guess in a weird way I am lucky....have not digested that completely yet..... Anyhow, I know that all is good here....soo much good, and yet am haunted by....lack of a better word.....an irritation called Mike...that is ever haunting me....and yet I dont regret him......and yet battle with......... wishing I was , again one of the ignorant ones....Dave

Lina, am hearbroken to hear your story, bringing back so many memories and debilatating emotions......of this past yr, that I have suffered through also, it digust me that others must go through this also.......but please know that this site is a great place to come to..to get the support you need.....at the time you are ready for it, for today just take of you and your daughter...and hang onto the thought ......one day, one minute at a time....for it has gotten me through almost one yr........and please hold onto the thought.......it does get better......although very scary and foreign...............Dave

I love to garden, although not as much as I once did, but nevertheless, it still brings me some comfort.....perhaps peace is a better term....4 yrs ago my bestfriend, back in Wyoming died, Vickie was such a great person......and I love her dearly, her death unexpectant, broke my heart in a new way I never knew...that day I couldn't finish work and went to Home depot and bought a rose tree, and planted it in her memory...the first yr on this plant was hard, but alas the 1st anniversary of her death....it bloomed, for the first time, that very day!!! The year before, almost to the day, I was forced to put my beloved Aussie Shepherd George down, that day was horrible, but the Jacaranda trees were blooming like crazy. A beautifull tree in bloom with purple flowers......the next day I went and bought one and planted it in his memory. This tree survived another move to my new house and it has struggled with a really rough winter, prior to Mike's death. It froze back and appeared dead. The day that I set Mike up on hospice care I went to go dig it up......but alas overnight it had sent out shoots.......took it as a sign of hope......for the future! It currently has some burned spots on it, but is looking healthy...I guess much like myself...... Last fall I planted a Magnolia tree, with some of Mikes ashes in the front yard.....it seems to be holding its own, and knew it would be a couple of yrs before it bloomed.........but incredibly this tree sent out 1 bloom!!!! And at the time of the first anniversary of Mike's death...... a sign that Mike is still with me? I chose to believe this........ As I approach this 1st anniversary I have alot of mixed feelings of gratitude, happiness and sadness, but am finding much comfort in a garden..that I dont plan to keep much longer...but am sure at my new home........I will be able to create some peace again.......Dave

Hi Melina, oh so well can understand the difficulties surrounding you job.....how it drains you.....and the expectations that we should be able to handle everthing else in life, personally just fine...... My parents, as wonderfull as they are, just dont get it, I am listing my places for sale and am putting in a bid on another property, 2 hrs away from my family, close enough in case of drama, and yet far enough away from them. I also am overwhelmed currently with different properties, work, family obligations, and caring for a new relationship that I never guessed would come again for me.........I am exhausted with work telling me I need to be only at work when I am there and not thinking about my self...???? I am exhausted with my fathers comment on my brush pile in the yard " you need to do something about this" when reminded that I dont have alot of time, his comment was " well make the time" ???? Yes I am frustrated and overwhelmed, especially at a time when the 1 yr anniversary is coming...........so much to be happy about, and yet cant help but to be sad........ Well more importantly how is your son? Keep us posted...Thinking of you....Dave