dave s

Thanks Mary posted this on facebook, soo many in my life need to think of this....Dave

I utterly cannot believe that I am sitting in the same chair, staring at the same computer....as last yr on this same day, wondering what to get Mike on my way home from work....the first Valentines day, that we spent in our home..... Wow the memories of that day...the quick trip into Walmart, to get something, the call to his sister, who insisted I get anything...and get home.....my thoughts were to plan better for next yr...at this time...went home to find my smiling Mike! And of course the time together meant more, than anything material......but with that being said, the orchid he bought me, that day,is still alive, and still brings a smile.......little did I ever expect that 6 weeks later....everything would start to unravel......so surreal to me.......Dave

Marty, hope you have a wonderfull day! Thanks for all you do for all of us! your presence here has been invaluable for my care and recovery! Dave

Becky, so glad you were able to take the helicopter ride and over the golf course, wonderfull thing you were able to do. The question of finding purpose in life......is a hard one, as I struggle at times with my new identity, but am feeling alot more comfortable in my new role as awkward clumsy Dave, almost feel like a toddler, falling down alot.....and yet finding a way to get up again..... Today is the 9 month anniversary of Mikes death......this anniversary seems just like another day, for I have been busy taking care of some UNEXPECTED legal concerns that presented themselves this week, after a visit with a lawyer and retaining him to handle all of it, for I really feel that I can handle no more stress in my life, I feel better, and yet tired.....think I will take a nap, as a toddler......Dave

Kay, sure hope you get this job! Sure would be so nice to be close to home, even for less $.....and the car wear and tear sure ads up!! Have had an extreme 24 hrs here....has put so much in perspective....not somethng I would wish others go through......but it made up my mine on somethings I have been mulling over, made me appreciate people of all walks of life and made me appreciate who I have become....in a sense...will fill you all in later....as i digest this.....Dave

Mary Thanks for your input!!!!.....have never thought about it in....the fact of grace under fire.....a light bulb has been turned on....for me, for a....second.......Thanks! Dave

Hey was a nice day here.....did my thing got some more hens,they are actually very pretty. So maybe a new business venture " Dave's Eggs " actually just kidding they are alot of work, just look forward to some eggs. Think I am suffering from widowers brain now, given the fact that I seem to continue to buy roosters instead of hens. I recently bought a semi new set of a washer and dryer, at an estate sale....the only problem.....I bought a gas dryer, instead of an electric....never thought to look, no one uses gas dryers out here, and my house doesnt have gas, just electric........felt like a fool for not checking...the good news is the man running the estate sale wants to give me my $ back.....and the washer to this set works great! It actually is funny to me in many ways....and yet question my judgement on other things.... In some ways at approaching 9 months...I feel good about what I have accomplished and my plans for the future...but alas cant seem to escape tragedy.......for an extended period of time. As I just finished a dinner, that I was shocked it was so good, from leftovers from the freezer..turkey and brocolli soup...man it was so good! Sirens came up to the house, my dearest friend Ed was here yelling for me to come to the front of the house....the neighbor Billie, had another probable stroke...Have been counting my lucky stars, that I have met these people, for you see the first day I moved into this house, I had to go to work...alas my dogs escaped from the pen, instead of them calling the dog catcher....an older frail couple coaxed these dogs into there yard...and locked them up for me.....a priceless gift!!! When I saw, what had happened with the sirens...I sprinted to their home.....brushing up against cactus spines..ouch!!!...but I was there for people that have touched my life, genuinely kind people.. i was there to bark orders at the fire department....but didnt have to, they did a great job!!!!!.........but boy I was ready to be the pit bull, to handle everything...as I did for Mike.... It seems so surreal to me that...in less than 1 yr have had to deal with the loss, of someone that I loved, more than my own life.....attempt to rebuild....deal with Dad's stuff, which he is doing great with!! Deal with my ill animals, deal with the fact...that I must look at another career path....and deal witht he fact that...that someone, who has shown me great kindness........is suffering too!! WOW a heavy load.....Dave

Kay thanks for your input, sure feel bad about your situation and your home, had to give up my home, before this one due to this economy...it is rough, and really bothered me for awhile........but later felt a great weight lifted off me..a freedom of sorts...yes $ dictates so much of our lives.....dont have a real problem with that.....but at some point when it feels as though it is affecting your health......something has to change... Yes Mikes death changed me in so many ways....and like of us all I am struggling with my new identity...a new identity I welcome, in a strange sense, but hate at the same time, for I am scared to change old habits that I have....hated, even before Mike was in my life....being the oldest child, becoming a nurse, putting others needs, before my own...for that is what is expected...and feeling that I had no control of my life....work and family dictated everything... I adored Mike and still do.....he encouraged me to get out of the rut that life and myself had created.....he encouraged me to look at how I could change my life.......but during the short time together.....it wasnt enough..........I guess he gave me a glimmer of how I could take care of myself, before others.......and that is a strange feeling for me...even to this day...........but feel that some progress is being made........putting limits on my family.....who I still appreciate soooo much....and dealing with a career that I have allowed...to drain me.......work in progress here...soo much good in my life...but soo much has happened in such a short time......OVERWHELMING I enjoyed a nice day here....errands and time at the ranch, time with my best friend Ed...but alas not all is good, for Cowboy.....a very young ranch dog, was chasing the horses...DAMN.....a thickening thud sound was heard......and continual whelping of a dog that was kicked by a horse.......obvious broken leg,hip.....internal injuries...????I remember yelling, actually screaming...just sick with the sound of a living being in distress......still makes me sick....will keep you posted on what has happened......just wanted to scoop up that young dog....and take him home...but alas will let his parents take care of this..... Dave

Have been debating about seeing this movie, not sure I am in a position to see something sad......I too usually just need to watch comedies......but usually love anything Sandra Bullock is in......will think about it.....could be good for me....Dave

I am writing this note, as I tossed and turned some last night, thinking about things........am almost glad yesterday occurred and I am able to recognize, what happened.........although hard to say that it was a good thing to go through and to feel.......but am able to realize that this chapter, as a nurse, in a hospital is coming to an end.....yes of course, would love to get out of the profession totally.....but the reality, dictates......that probably wont happen for sometime......so need to look at other nursing options....Nursing use to be a lucrative gig here.....but unfortunately with the economy, it has taken a hit here to, but bound to be something at some point. I totally love the Hospice model of nursing but that is not an option..........for me, for a long time. Thanks everyone for listening to me! And a note for my self, Dave remember this day, and get to work on developing other career options! Dave While in the shower, dawned on me, yes the $ reality dictates that I, we all do things we dont care for.....but another reality trumps that...my happiness in everyday living is more important.......another note to myself.....

Mary really thought that 9 months, could have bougt me sometime in the profession.......guess I learned another lesson, it didnt...or is this something else I need to work through....concerning Mike.......well anyhow, looking like a forever break is looking like a real possibility! Will take it easy and not make any quick decisions here........

Have never recognized anxiety before...this happened. Due to the fact that work has slowed down in the psych hospitals, I was finally forced back to work medical...the trip to work was filled with heavy breathing and numb hands...was all to aware that I was having some anxiety issues. Got into work and visited with these people who I have always been friendly with, actually all very good people, who asked where I have been for so long...told the story with great support. And then went to take care of my business with my assigned pts....oh the drama, these pts provided, the memories of caretaking...the STRESS, anyhow maintained my composure and did the best I could....... On my drivehome have realized...that this day could have been soo much worse, and was gratefull for this, and yet realize, despite taking time off from medical nursing...........I am done, fried, burned out! The cost of caretaking, for me, is just to much to bear.....for me it is a burden.........soo how do I turn this experience into something positive? There has to be a reason...for me to be going through this......Dave

Just went out to feed the dogs....found Baloo the Standard Poodle...head stuck in the food bag......not able to get herself out.....poor thing when night fall comes......dementia sets in......will be faced with making decisions soon.....am afraid....came in to find your post.....so glad you were there for your friend..........bring me back to the time, almost 4 yrs ago...when I was faced with George, my beloved Aussie, ever faithfull, saved my life a couple of times. George at the age of 12 stopped walking.....I knew something was wrong...but then he seemed ok...then he stopped walking for 2 days...I would carry him a 100 lb dog outside to do his thing......I knew what was happening.......my gpa voice came to mind, the vet........who always preached to never put animals through....the hell we put each other through...tears are flowing.......miss George and gpa soo much........anyhow....knew what gpa would say...knew what George wanted.......and did what I had to...do............out of love had to......expedite what was to be....as to be my later experience with Mike..... Anyhow as I cry right now,for your friend and you.......know that I am thinking of you and your kindness for your friend.......Dave

Pam this song (also love Stevie Nicks, in fact named one of my dogs, the black lab "Stevie" because her coat is the same color as the dress that Stevie Nicks wore to Bill Clinton's Innaguration) it is said that she wrote this song after she broke up with Lindsay Buckingham. She was in Colorado and is was snowing.......therefore the inspiration for Landslide. How appropriate that this song also "sings" to our situations......Love this song, always chokes me up....Dave

Glad you are there for your friend, during this rough day.......Dave

Dear Mary, thinking of you today......Dave

i find it ....soo interesting, how we all deal with this horrible pain......find your paintings...so enlightening Mary, and good....... Thanks for sharing Dave

Mary am thinking of you on this day. I know it feels so surreal and painfull.......Dave

Have thought of what you are saying many times.....as i approach my 9 month anniversary.......the birth of a new life for me.......Thanks for sharing! Dave

I was reading your blog, have never thought of it.... I never had to fall out of love......shouldnt be reading this at work, for now thw waterworks are flowing......Thanks so much for putting this in a different perspective! Dave

Had a nice day went back to the consignment center to take back a dresser that I had left there...thinking I could use it at home..... it had just sold!!! Made 91$ profit in 1 week......what a rush! Anyhow, was a nice day....what Mike and I had wanted to do....have a little side line business.....Anyhow had a nice time with my bestfriend Ed. Have been changing some things at home that Mike had......set up, furniture that is.....feeling the need for a change.......but cant stand letting these things go........so have been giving some home furnishings to my mom......at least they stay in the family............and that does bring me some comfort... Dave

Took the toilet out in 1 piece, the tailgate on the truck wouldnt open and still wont.....on my growing list of things to do, so threw it over the side never guessing that the tank would fall back on my head, OUCH!!

Stitches to a head from a toilet accident, how often does that happen.....looked like I was in the movie "Carrie"! Mikes olive complexion turned a snow white!

Mary almost a yr ago,, the toilet went out, i tried and tried to fix but gave up and decided.with Mikes encouragement , bought a new one...as I was hauling out the old one and throwing it into the truck...it slipped out of my hands and broke on my head... I immediately felt the rush of blood from my head......knew i would survive.......but the look of horror on Mikes face.....it was priceless.....10 stitches later.........mike so attentive, me thinking it was no big deal......was funny to me.......

Hello all Fancy is doing well! and I am to.....last night caught me off guard.......so many anniversaries coming up, Valentines day, replacing the toilet, a trip to the er for me....it was a great day and comical will feel you in later on this, the day that Mike said " I get it this schedule that you have to keep isnt good I see it now" was a great phrase from him.....felt like he really got it, trying to take of what I have, house, animals and work and family....and him saying this....meant alot to me. I feel that this yr is speeding away from me.....so much has occured in 1 yr......still overwhelming to me think I have survived this..... Today I woke up , not feeling that I was a failure for crying so much.......so many memories confronted me yesterday....but knowing that I needed to have last night..to continue to deal with what has happened......I literally felt hung over.....dehydrated from this experience.......while consuming this experience...... I get a call from back home in Wyo....let me start by telling you Leanne was my first boss, as a nurse, fair, supportive, a rarity, and fun......it was a great concern for me when I went home to Wyo.....almost 4 yrs ago for my bestfriends funeral.....and saw her a frail, wrinkled woman......who in her day was a knock out! Aged before her time, for a few yrs earlier her daughter was killed in a car wreck...it was shocking....and yet I felt it was all the stress of loosing her daughter, and raising her grandson as a result......found out today her son killed himself...10 days ago..in her home.....she sounded like a 90 yr old when she was telling me this.......she maybe 60......never felt like I didnt need to mourn what I have been dealt with......but this news shocked me.......back into a reality....to appreciate what I have........and to be thankfull that I have been only dealt with this .......stuff So tomorrow will continue to take of me, have planned, chores here...and a ride on Fancy.......it is all I can do for now...... Dave