dave s

Hey everyone....doing ok here enjoying the holidays and the time seeing the kids, etc......the poor kids ended up with the stomach flu and the accompanying unpleasantries. Hope that with all the hugging and kissing I have done.......willing to bet money I am next........well worth it!!! The day has been spent seeing the kids briefly doing some last minute things......and getting the curio cabinet ready for gma, at the age of 91 she stated she had always wanted one......at the age of 91, $ 200.00 is justifiably spent! she will be surprised! I miss Mike today and wish he was present to be with us, but will continue to believe that he is watching......Best Wishes to all! Dave

Thanks for sharing this Harry! Dave

Thanks for this Becky....I believe this, but what a comfort to hear it again....Dave

Thank you Mary, as always you know just how to pen your thoughts and feelings, beautifull! Dave

Last night the kids got into town! They are staying at my parents, for an hr before they went to bed...and I needing to get some rest for work today. I danced, wrestled, and when I would shoot off a cork gun, they would jump up and down, found myself doing it also with them, man my knee is so sore today! I can honestly say it was the best hour I have had in 9 months, since Mike was initially diagnosed and .......What a relief to genuinely laugh and smile.....and doing my best to not feel guilty, it is just such a foreign feeling to be that way again, for such a short time. Tonight I will stop by and put them to bed, in anticipation for more fun the next 2 days......... Anyhow just wanted to share my fun...Take care..Dave

Thankyou soo much for posting this! #6. They finally understand what they were missing........the tears are a flowing..........Dave

Becky I to would wear that shirt with pride on Xmas day, what a gift! Anne what a wonderfull gift peace and contentment would be!! I personally cant stand doing Xmas cards......for those important to me I will call them personally on Xmas......it means more to me to hear their voice.....Peace and contentment THAT IS ALL I WANT!!! Funny you talk about the challenge of cooking in a higher altitude, when I was a kid we moved from Ks to Wy, remember mom cursing the altitude when she cooked, the other day she was talking and laughing about the many cakes that went bad as a result.....I thought they were good, as a kid anything sweet was good....funny the memories...... Dave

Thanks for this beautifull post, yes what a better world this could be if we all practiced some Christmas yr round!! Dave

So glad Bentley is ok!! Got home from work this eve to find My old Standard Poodle, Baloo a sweet and smart dog....wandering aimlessly in the yard, at the age of 12.....yes know what is coming....she was a rescue dog that no one wanted......a long and cute story of a nurse who couldnt have kids although married at the age of 18, finally surprised to find she was pregnant at the age of 38, surprise!!! she kept getting pregnant repeatedly for 5 more yrs despite trying to have a tubal, went to the hospital that day...surprise she was pregnant again! any how she had 4 more kids and couldnt care for the dog, no one would take her!!!???? So with alot of pressure by her original mom, I took her in...for the past 5 yrs.......one of the best decisions I have ever made, a dog that would do anything she could for me.....herd cattle, horses...she can be prissy! A loving and wonderfull part of my family that I will continue to provide a great and loving home for.........until the time comes..........anyhow for today she is ok...... Anyhow alot happened today...after I digest it will fill you in later, nothing bad......but stuff that left me....pondering what I want, for my future........a stable job or............and pretending to believe in something I dont......Yes i know the proper answer .........but the answer for me????? For some reason am not stressed about this.......actually, I know what the answer is....Dave

Thanks for the Xmas gift Mary! This is the gift I wish for all of us here! Dave

Mary, Thanks for including the note about your friend, who lost her Mom, and the exhaustion she felt for yrs. I still cant believe how tired I get and the lack of stamina......in my situation it doesnt help that I have to work as a caretaker, for a living. I have been taking alot of extended days off, feel more energetic, then come back to work, and it quickly drains me! This am I woke up and was so anxious, for some reason, still not sure why.....I was telling my Psychiatrist friend here at work about this.....her theory again was that I have felt soo bad for so long, and it appears that I am making some progress and am feeling more emotionally stable....it is just going to take some time for my body and mind to adjust to a new feeling....hope it is soon, not liking the anxious feeling! Will continue to try to take gentle care of myself! Dave

Jeanie isnt it so weird use to be so easy to get as a nurse, now? A sure sign of tough economic times....when we nurses are struggling to work! What I am telling you is part of my story, it worked for me in AZ, which is considered to be a "conservative" state. When Mike got ill I filled out FMLA paperwork, he passed before it was okd by HR......but his Hospice Doctor kindly wrote for me to be off work....I had some time saved up, but ran out of it.....and went without pay for a couple of pay periods. I am unclear of the laws, so dont quote me, but here they have to hold my job for a certain amount of time, due to recieving care from a MD. The only care he gave was for me to take it easy and have some fun, those were his words. Fun......not sure what that means! I was in the closet at work forever, most people had no idea of my relationship with Mike, at one point I was scared of their reaction......then being filled with so much pain, I didnt give a damn who knew that I had lost the most important person in my life!!! I was surprised with others reactions and support......it was good. I was also surprised of others tha knew of me, one particular, redneck cowboy down the street saw me gave me a hug and stated " I am so sorry about the loss of your love" I only bring up what his reaction was due to the fact you maybe surprised of how supportive others are, I use to stereotype others, despite not liking the same done for me....have learned not to do that as people can surprise you. That cowboy was supportive and yet what I viewed as my close supportive friends, some were not. Guess I am trying to say keep an open mind, your boss maybe supportive.........BUT of course you know best, how to proceed at your end. I have had to stop working IcuER, but am planning on going back soon...or at least to a step down unit......didnt know what my reaction were going to be when things went bad.....and have primarily stayed in Behavioral Health since.......something for you to entertain?? Best wishes and take care....Dave

Another thought.......yeah angry that Mike didnt care for himself until it was too late......and yet do feel so angry at the fate that put Mike........into his tail spin.. a series of events .........that he couldnt recover from......death of his mother at such a young age for him.....15, and her 45..........from Lymphoma..........and no support from others....it is so intersting to me how some can go through such adversity.....and can move forward and change the cycle and others cannot.... My father, was raised in an horrible abusive family, NEVER did this to his family, why me???????.......and yet my cousins??????? to me an interesting and deep subject guess I was the lucky one....Dave

Have spent the last 3 days, running on 2-3 hrs of sleep, after 15-16 hr days, with my commute....honestly my " first " run of insomnia since this has begun, my mind at night can race with thoughts of what to do next...more home improvements? cleaning? I actually have narrowed it down to me........returning to school, and doing something, that I want to do....but what is that????? Now is the time to concentrate on that...have spent my life caring for others.........now it is time to care for me....... a foreign feeling to me!.....and actually an exciting feeling.... so many conflicting thoughts! Today was weepy......know it is the exhaustion....but still struggle with letting go of the pain associated with my love for Mike....does this make sense? but seeing how this needs to be done, at least for me in my grief journey... Today I spoke again with my many daily conversations with that Best Friend of mine Colton, MY 5 yr old nephew, he is to be here in 8 days!!!!!!!!!!!!! As we all are faced with the thought of not going on, after this experience.......this kid of mine has kept me going.......today he asked if we could play with the horses and chickens and Legos,when he comes to " Zona" he actually asked if we could play legos all night when he is here!!! yes I have the time off, he and his sister will give me a run for for my $...and yes I will take my run as the favorite Uncle Damn serious......long to hug those babies!!! Well actually think I maybe able to sleep, so will try thinking of you all.....Dave, also known as bestfriend and favorite...

Oh Jeanie...how I understand.......I lost my Mike just over 7 months ago on 5/9/11....the journey since has been a challenge....with moments I was sure I couldnt go anymore.....but I have. Give yourself sometime and one of my favorite phrases...from one of my grief support counselors.......Take gentle care....Can you take time off from work? I have had to do that...for my survival. Come here often, usually I am on here everyday, this site has been.....a life saver.....thinking of you Dave

Looks wonderfull!! Good for you! Dave

Hi Becky, sure it is good to leave KS, esp in the winter! Keep us posted on your status.Thinking of you! Dave

Interesting weekend for me, Saturday returnd to the Hospice facility where Mike died, to find the room that he had empty.....spent some time in the room.....amazing to me how the last couple of days of his life came to me in such vivid colors, it was like a movie, down to the colors Mike was wearing the roses I had picked for him, where I had everything placed in the room.......even his annoying friend that wouldnt stop talking and talking while he was passing..........for some reason......it was good for me. Went Estate Sale shopping on my way home, probably wasnt a good idea to go shopping, when emotions are labile, picked up stuff that I didnt need, but was so cheap......will be used eventually, or perhaps, gifts.....while at one sale I noticed some nice looking Tuscan style wooden chests, with no price, I asked the lady about this and she quoted me $5.00 a piece. The perfect way to store some of Mikes items, yesterday I actually placed his empty shampoo bottles in 1 of them.....for me ...I felt like I had conquered one battle ( please forgive the font change.....computer issues here ), had to call everyone, felt like a victory! Then last night while arranging the boxes and moving some his clothing, I smelled Mike! Era laundry detergent!!! It smelled so good had to place a pair of his underwear in a baggy and it is store along with the shampoo bottles! I called my mom, who wasnt impressed, and yet I was so excited about my weekend! I am not over this journey by any stretch.....but last week could see the grief.......not so debilatating......it felt so much " better", at least for a moment........Dave

Pam I feel your pain......Dave

Although I need to get back to wrking in the ICU ER......I havent since Mike died......critical thinking skills are gone, but lately feel that they are returning. Currently am scared to death to get to work and care for someone dieing, and will have a set back, with that being said, I know that setbacks can be positive/healthy. Have the opportunity to wrk tomorrow......but am I ready. Yes have feeling better lately.......am really scared to get out there again in the life/death business. Dave

Thanks Marty for this info........something that sings to me.............and need to work on, continue to find myself telling myself " Mike would like it that I am doing...whatever" but need to be thinking for me, and what I want, and what makes ME happy........at 7 months still have more work to do.....Dave

I cant imagine any of us want to let go, sure know I dont want to! I guess the assignment is how to figure out how to build new happiness......and yet incorporate what we have been through, and keep the memory of our loved one alive still......yes you are right......it will take time Dave

I am not sure that many of you know the connection I have with our Cheryl on this site. I was one of the nurses on duty, when her husband Mark was tragically killed, I only remember the impact of the death of a man...my age........and how uncomfortable it was to know the family was there, I ran and hid, not knowing what else to do at that time......never, ever guessing that I would be, in her shoes 7 months ago tomorrow. And I never would have guessed that I would have contact with Mark's family, again but imagine my surprise, to have met Cheryl on this site and the connection that we share! Who would have thought! Today I met Cheryl for lunch, it was so good to see her in person, and the incredible comfort that I received from her wisdom. As you all have been an incredible source of support and encouragement, Cheryl has been lucky enough to answer the phone when I have been having one of my many "meltdowns" and has been able to reason me through this debilitating grief...........and for that I am so grateful! Who would have thought that while doing my job I would be rewarded for this a short time later.It is an enormous feeling to me that we are all connected, somehow. Thanks Cheryl and also thanks to all of you for your kindness and patience with me. Tomorrow is the 7 month anniversary, the start of this journey, without Mike. During this time I have felt like I was frozen in a lake unable to move ........lately for some reason the grief although ever present, is not as debilitating. I have found myself this week, thinking of the future and feeling that old friend, that left me 7 months ago.....that old friend........ called excitement. I have been looking forward to my kids coming for xmas, looking forward to taking better care of myself, physically, looking forward to not being obsessed about cleaning the house, for that has been, I guess, my coping mechanism.......cleaning and scrubbing...and looking forward to a future with a new career, and a new love.....I feel some excitement that I maybe breaking through the ice....... Anyhow at 7 months still find my mind racing...I am so forgetfull, still find myself getting choked up over....."little things".......but am hanging in there, find my relationship with Mike continuing on another plane and in a sense......have been really thinking that maybe I am privileged to be going through this ordeal. I am not happy and whole yet, but seeing that maybe there can be joy again......... Thanks to all and please continue to take care! Dave

Hey Nats have had a whole lot of things happen today, that I cant explain, in a logical sense, you have hit a nerve.......am I filled with peace, no not really........but am confronted with.......... a whole bunch of conflicting emotions.... will promise to " digest" these thoughts and will.... address these more at a later date.....Thks!! Dave

Yes I have received many signs since I lost Mike.....the frequent sound of him walking through the house, a shadow figure of him one night, and a visit to a Psychic, which left me believing that this relationship hasnot ended, this thought has brought me some peace....... dave