dave s

been sometime since those heart felt,gut felt tears have come...here they are..........something that I know is healthy........but feels horrible to deal with

hey thks Mary so amazing to me that I took the chance....and my heart has been put through a blender.............peace..it comes and goes...........so cruel to me that it wont.........stay as my friend...maybe tomorrow.......

Oh it is so hard for me to balance this pain......with so much gratitude......and yet I see it both of it... almost terrified of the memories of one yr ago, which are each day right now...this was such a great time for me last yr,each day........good and bad........... what an impact he made.......and continues to make on my life............and only those that have been through this, can understand...... ps Pam yes strange that Harv and I both have a Fancy.....went to see her, she is doing so well! Perhaps Harv stepped in, and took care of Fancy......actually a great comfort for me.........

Oh I am doing ok, another trigger.....got home tonight to watch the last of "American Idol" Mike and I watched this last yr amazing to me how so many memories are surfacing now. Really know that the anniversary of his moving in, is impacting me alot, this is a bit overwhelming to me to change my life soo much, for us........ then........change it again... they say that change is healthy......and yet soo much change....cant believe that it is healthy........but what to do???????will continue to strive to build this new life....

This journey continues..... Yesterday at work 5 pm get a callf rom my neighbors that have my horse Fancy Diamond Cutter, a 4 yr old mare that has the patience, gentleness and wisdom of no other horse I have ever known. People in our town, bring their kids to George, who has her at present, and he gives lessons on her......in return he is responsible for feeding and shoeing her. Fancy (for short) began to colic...this can be very fatal for a horse..... As most of you know, just got back on her 2 weeks ago.....and had a blast, after months of not wanting to do anything fun......it was a big step for me, and so glad I was feeling the desire to go riding, and now???!!!!! For abput 15 minutes, I was so angry,cussing....called our friend Cheryl, who listened and was supportive as always.........after I was on my rant for a few minutes I realized I was starting to feel a sense of peace......not that she will be ok......peace in knowing there is not a thing I can do about this situation, for you see I had 2 more hrs of work and a 90 minute drive home. Control freak Dave, for this moment, has given up on controlling life.....not entirely happy about this, but I do feel peace knowing we have done all we could.......and I am letting what happen, happen. I didnt call the vet, for I know that George is doing all the vet would do, for a whole lot less $$......and as of today she is up walking, not in pain......with a dazed look in her eyes.....but know that is normal.....not out of the woods yet......but good chance she will be ok! For now, have stopped trying to fight life.....for now have let go of the pressure and control.........for this instance......it feels better.......Dave

Thanks for sharing this! plan to put this on my facebook page.Dave

Doing good for today, bouyed with the memories of a nice weekend and the fact that the cardinal that appeared the day after Mike died, returned this last sat, hadnt seen it for a few weeks.....it is my sign that Mike is here with me...... Today is a wonderfull day at work, you will rarely hear me say that!! Due to the holiday, no traffic and NO bosses here and few pts! It is a dream! But with that being said will reflect on the real meaning of the day, of Dr. Kings fight for equality, and the meaning of his work and how it has affected us all in a positive....changing society, unfortunately this country has some more growing to do, so we can all have respect and equality....someday! Today have enjoyed some internet surfing, ran across the blog Of Pat Bertram, that our Mary turned me onto, on one of her sites is this phrase, " Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal" From a headstone in Ireland.......Thought this was stated perfectly......hope all are ok...Dave

just fyi, for those that might be interested, while trying to save my stuff.....on this site, and finding that nothing has been saved.......a bit frustrated here!!!! I switched to facebook for a break....found a suggested friend to sign up for..."After Life TV"...funny I dont believe in coincidences and yet this is the man and his articles put me in touch with my Psychic....... did I sign up with this? Not remembering.....but anyway, Bob Olson is name and he was interviewing James Van Pragh, the famous Psychic, it was interesting! Check it out, if interested......Dave

Hard to imagine that this day could be filled with such pain and happiness, I went with my dearest friend Ed, estate shopping, we arrived at each sale, if we were able to park , directly in front of the house...I stated " there is something great in there" and....yes there was, 80$ china appraised at 700$, lamps that I paid 40$ worth 500$.........a fun day.....bought other furniture for pennies on the dollar and took to the local consignment center and placed for sale.........will see what they bring......got home to clean up these finds............recieved a facebook blog that a good friend of mine, James's dad had died........ James has repeatedly told me " I dont understand the pain you are going through but I am here for you brother " a phrase that has brought such great comfort to me, someone who is wise enough to admit they dont understand......i called him tonight....he stated " of all my friends I knew you would call"........what do I say, when all my pain comes rushing to me? i am sorry, call me anytime........? I wish it were enough.....but it is all I can give at the present.......sad another has joined the flock... Dave

One yr ago, today, Mike moved in with me.....after a courtship, that was mixed with difficulties.....and a whole lot of fun. I took a chance, I changed my life, getting rid of old worn out furniture, that I was comfortable with......but didnt make sense to keep as Mikes stuff was much newer...and took the plunge......a plunge that has taken me on such...a challenging path.......I was almost sick going to work that day...sick with worry " was I doing the right thing" , combining two households into one....... Mike assured me he would handle everything...and he did...............the best thing was driving in the driveway and seeing him jumping up and down, then he dissapeared to the couch, trying to act cool like nothing had happened........the house was in order, no moving boxes, like he was here.......all the time like nothing had changed, like this was meant to be....he worked hard...taking me on....this new path.... I never would have guessed where this yr would have taken me,excitement,joy laughter..... then days of despair, exhaustion, anger, and so many tears........ and the new wonderfull people that I have met here and in person............and the hope....that the future can be bright again and happiness... is returning in my life. Today will be a quiet day filled with reflection of this yr......this day seems to be such an important day, anniversary for me......will run into town and do some shopping......home to clean the house, in case Mike should happen to show, in his heavenly travels........a nice dinner with my best friend and a toast to him. Thank you Mike for showing so me a different way of living...that is finer and simpler.....and thanks for showing me a way that I could love someone........that I had never felt before....through good and bad.....I have no regrets! Dave

good articles Mary! yes the soul territory is the great unknown.........and still not known entirely by myself, an area I am not sure I want to know more of......but have a feeling I will be visiting it more and more, as I continue on this journey........ look forward to studying the articles more when I get home. Dave

Wow your statement " that does not work for me" has hit home here......Thanks.....have a feeling that will be in my vocabulary alot! very powerfull to me! Thanks, glad the roads were good, amazing his time of yr, and reminds me I need to make a trip to ks soon.....Dave

Thanks Marty for the info. seems to be fine line between caring and caretaking....as a nurse....I am a caretaker, for there is no other choice. In my personal life, know I have also been a caretaker for my family, and need to revert to be more caring......caretaking has not done me any favors, just has left me so tired, bitter and angry at others, wether it work or family related. My mom a few months ago stated " you are a natural caretaker, it is what you are born to do" I was so irritated with her and asked here why she would ever wish this on her children, she couldnt answer my question and quickly changed the subject......Know all to well that I am a work in progress, and big changes have already occured with me placing limits......but more work and self care, is needed. Today is the 8 month anniversary, my morning has been very weepy ....but realize that this to shall pass.....went for a ride on my horses yesterday!First time since June! It did feel good to be out, and they smelled so good.....actually it was exciting to be on them! Today I am paying for it.....so out of shape, but need to work on pacing myself with exercise.........starting with walking....and then??? This episode in my life has completely physically drained me, more than I ever want to know.... Dave

Dewayne, by the way 89% is great! please keep in mind......no one will be looking at your transcript when you go and get a nursing job....just as long as you have a license. And keep in mind all your learning right now is how to take your board exams....Nursing School prepares you little for life as a nurse...just to take your board exams....the real test for you will be when you are in the working world......depending on some core basics that you will need......which you will discover as time unfolds. I tell you this.....only to try to remind you to keep this experience as a Nursing student in perspective..... I have been lucky enough to lately discover that my grief load has lightened, it for some reason has been less debilitating.......but know all to well that with some more anniversaries approaching, 8 month anniversary on this mon., 1 yr anniversary of Mike moving in, etc.....I know my time is coming for some more grief surges......will keep you posted on how this unfolds......but I think this, as painfull as it is, can be very healthy for us....and encourage you to deal with your emotions, as they come, during this "crazy time" as a nursing student. Nursing School......isn't fun.......take into account, what you are going through on top of that...( growth in other areas)... Dewayne please take care........ Best Wishes! Dave

Odd feeling to take care of myself during this time, have lived in a culture, which revolved around my career, where nurses dont take care of ourselves......cant tell you how many of my peers have died at a relatively young age. Hear many of my peers from "my era" of nursing complain of the young nurses coming into the profession, who are more "self centered" and not into pt care. I disagree I see them more wiser than us, more realistic about yes needing to provide good pt care, but also the need to put limits to it and to care for themselves, of course the younger generation was raised with the knowledge of the importance of good exercise etc....where I wasnt..... well enough of my "soap box" Today am feeling much better, in fact yesterday afternoon felt good enough to do housecleaning.....to get these germs undercontrol.....in case I should reinfect myself, or others that could come over. The weather has been very warm here, even for AZ highs in the high 70s! Feeling the urge to do the yrly trimming back of the roses. with 50 roses need to pace myself, and perhaps clean out the chicken house, and the jeep, embarassed to say it is filled with hay and other things I am afraid of finding out! And the horse could use a brushing......the list goes on and on at this ranch........and I just discoverd that the dryer is not working......Come on Mike give me a hand here! Everyone take care and will keep you posted on the happenings here. Dave ps the pic I have posted is of me and my bestfriend, lead counselor, nephew Colton

Never realized, after yrs of being a nurse and caring for others, the expectations nurses place on each other and how many expectations I have placed on myself......I could go and go, working 60 plus hrs a week,.. as others needed me ,the Pts always come first, so you need to skip lunch, you need to stay late to care for whatever,even if your day is 12 hrs plus! You need to come in extra to cover a shift because no one else is available. Oh the guilt trips nurses and other caregivers place on each other....and themselves. An age old problem in the Health care fields! I really realized this today, for the past 2 days have been suffering from the stomach flu, which I recieved as a Xmas present from my beautifull kids that were here visiting, really a small price to pay for the fun I had with them. I called work again this am and informed them that although was better was still having diffiuclty keeping things down, and a small fever. Oh the guilt trip that was put on me, Wow, people that are so concerned for others......concerned for me? It took all I could to stick to my guns and insist that this was not a good idea to expose others to this.....and thought to myself, Yeah I could fake working today, but at what cost to my health? Was dissapointed in myself for calling back later....and offering to come in if no one was available, guess I am a work in progess.......surprise they had found coverage! Good, for today more rest is needed. I have changed from this experience.....I am finding the strength at times to put limits on what others want and expect from me. I am trying to care for myself more......despite the fact that it is an uncomfortable feeling to me..........it is what I have wanted, for the longest time......if that makes sense?? Damn I miss Mike taking care of me......Miss him making sure I had fresh clothes when I got out of the shower, on the countertop, food ready, house clean, his touch, his laugh, and smile......but think I am learning to handle " this stuff "on my own.......again. Dave

Shelley, I totally agree with what Marty and Mary have said. This journey is unique to each of us.....Best Wishes Dave

Yesterday I had great plans, tot ake the kids and show them off at work......but alas something better happened! they arrived to the ranch....saw the animals and I couldnt get them to leave the animals alone, it was fabulous! watching a 5 and 2 1/2 yr old chasing chickens, laughing when they were feeding the horses, being mauled with kisses from 4 dogs, getting swatted by cats, and visiting with the cowboys next door, while they were roping there calves! We laughed and wrestled, great pics were taken of me holding them upside dowm over mud puddles, you know all the stuff Uncles are to do to harrass them ( my Uncles were fond of doing that to me, but it was over the toilet!).The 2/12 yr old taught me about the crescent moon, the was present, HOW DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT SUCH THINGS!!! The kids were muddy, leaves in the hair, house a mess, but well wirth the memories of oneof the best days of my yr.......good way to finish it out, tomorrow they are wanting to go horse back riding.........one of my first times back on a horse, since this began.......guess Mikes way to get me back on one! The only thing missing was seeing Mikes smile at this fun.....but know he was present egging me on....... Before the kids arrived,there was a knock on my door.....an older man, looking for his lost dogs, He stated " My wife died on 12/9/11 and I cant bear the thought of loosing these dogs" It was intersting to me to share my story with him, and told him that I havent been on a horse since this began. His statement was " it is time for you to do that" i smiled, with teary eyes.....and then his dogs came right around the corner of my place, safe and sound! Small dogs, in Coyote territory....safe.....a good day! Did someone send him to my door for a reason?? another lesson? Was surprised that he has already packed up his house and will be leaving the area in the next few days, to return back to be around his kids back east......kinda sudden move.......but one I can respect......no family here at all, and his kids want him there.....I get it, wish him well! Well need to hold on to what a nice day yesterday was......and use that memory as I deal with getting my stress and burnout under control. Best Wishes...Dave

Mary Thanks for this info!, I am not to far behind you on the stress scale.....and burnout, well we already know the answer to that......next days off am going to study this some more......need to take some action in my life now......this needs to become a priority.....for my health and happiness! Dave

Just checked the mail and found from Hopsice the newsletter for Jan/Feb 2012 on Recognizing Your Own Progress through grief. All of our jouneys are so individual, and no time factor can be placed on this journey, and I know I will be affected by this episode for the rest of my life........but so comforting to read....that yes progress is occuring......it is almost like this newsletter was written just for me. Marty will you be posting this? Figure you will. Thanks Dave

I have felt the same thing. Although I am newer on this journey and realize that this is exhausting work to grieve, i cant help but wonder if there has been a "damage" to my body and I know there has been a damage to my mind. I dont know if there has been any research done on this aspect? I thought it would be interesting to have those, whos loved ones are in Hospice care, go through a battery of test before and after their loss. I am talking about, besides basic tests, lab work etc..... CT and MRI testing of the body to see what is affected. Have to admit am doing "better" more days than not, but not a day goes by without thinking of my loss ( except for times the kids are here) and am overwhelmed with decisions for my future. Take Care...Dave

Well for me yes I made it through the day,but through the holidays? Remains to be seen....Arrived to work and was counting meds when the song by George Michaels came on "Careless Whispers"......one of the phrases is " Im never going to dance again the way I danced with you", a trigger......and the tears..... For me I am worried about next week when the kids are home.....and then I am rebuilding myself.......not to excited about.......want things back to my old normal.....as we all do...... Mary I totally get it, with the situation with your brother.......and wonder if I was the same before this occured. Have met some great people in this situation, and recieved some great support....through some I never expected...others I thought I could count on......have dissapeared..funny those that were never really supportive, have been those with higher educations in "people professions".....who would have figured?....but spoke with my bestfriend Wes this am, he Lyndie , and I have been bestfriends since kindergarten. During this time of my,loss they have commented " I dont know what to tell you, I dont know what you are going through, but I will listen" they have both been true to that......although realize that they feel miserable about my situation..... I know that Ihave been damn lucky to have their friendship......... Dave

It brings me alot of joy, thinking about Mike smiling down on this fun.....and can see him doing that.........just hope the let down after they leave isnt.....to bad, and guess it maynot be if I come up with a plan to see them at least every 3 months.......seems to me that the expense would be worth it.

Of all the things to forget to tell you, the curio cabinet was a big hit. Gma waa very pleased, her expected gift every yr to me is a $25.00 check, she went to her room after and wrote a $100.00 check.......guess that says it all! Dave

Funny to me, whenever I am around these kids......all problems seem to go away...........reverting to a kid again....during this time....... for today, mom and dad were around....taking care of me, only responsibility was to have fun.......with two kids that wouldnt leave me alone!!! Am I wrong to say or feel.....I forgot about Mike for awhile...I love him soo much, but it felt good to not be in such a state of grief....... Hope everyone found some peace today.....Merry Xmas to Mike!! Dave