dave s

Yes Mary I to am having a difficult time keeping up with my chores, paying bills is like pulling teeth right now......I just cant do it.......energy is gone and where am i putting everything, in fact almost had my car insurance cut off........but was able to call in a payment! My mind isnt as sharp as it once was..... Was planning to go to the valley wide memorial service tonight through Hospice of the Valley, but just not sure I have the energy to go by myself and make it home.....once again another 2 hr commute roundtrip! And do remind myself that everyday is a memorial to Mike that I get up and try......besides having Thanksgiving here and that damn picket fence needs some more paint, would rather paint the house 4 times then paint this fence! With this all being said to finish up this painting.......would probably be more to Mikes liking.......... I havent been crying on a daily basis this week, but there is never a hour I dont think of him and get sick to my stomach........with that horrible burning sensation, that I really dont think will ever leave me..... Dave

For today I have decided to have Thanksgiving at our home....why I guess I need a push to finish up the the painting........and need to have some happy memories in our home again......so this will be the first time I have fixed Thanksgiving dinner.....should be interesting! Busy next few days with preparing for that.....also am boxing up Mikes meds and sending them to my Missionary Aunt that goes to Kenya. They are just sitting in the cabinet unopened and the Pharmacy wouldnt take them back........cant waste anything here! And yet another milestone for me.....cleaning out his stuff, and yet it is his stuff that reminds me of bad times...... This weekend Hospice of the Valley is having a memorial service on Sunday, where pics will be posted of those we have lost............hope it will be........positive? for me, grief support meeting tonight.....work tomorrow.....I guess staying busy will be good!! Good news! was outside cleaning out the back of the truck, and Mike the Cardinal showed up, havent seen him in months, have to admit I tought he was coming around anymore.........made me sad.......but a smile now what a handsome bird! Speaking of birds also need to go dumpster diving again! never would have guessed that 8 chickens could consume so much food! Sure makes for some expensive eggs....if they ever start to lay! Take care! Dave

finally some positive news! Dave

Cant imagine the longing to be with our loves will ever go away! Thinking of you...Dave

Good am! Realizing as time goes on....that actually the pain is worsening, the numbness is wearing off.......but feel that this is normal, for me, right now......was feeling lousy last night and was on line to check on you all........the computer which was Mikes started to flash, and all the postings kept running.......I tried to go on other sites and the computer worked fine but every time I went back on this site the computer started acting up again and again.........guess it was Mike telling me to get to bed!!! Well need to get back to work....yuck.....Take care Dave....

Well at least some positive news, during the annual Light the Night Walk, for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, my family was able to raise more that $ 1,000 for continued research for this deadly disease that has killed my grandfather, uncle, and Mikes mom, having a profound effect on my life! And my grandmother was interviewed by the media, for being 91 and participating in the walk and for lossing her husband and son from this......Rainy cold day here but the weather is clearing......Dave

I am so saddened by your loss, my greatest sympathies to you......Dave

Becky.....hows is it that this "short time" that we have lost our loves seem like an eternity? Thinking of you today, and for his bday......am sure it will be nice to leave Ks and get out of the winter ice and snow......but know it will be rough for you to go back to Florida.....be carefull! Today I am taking my 91 yr old gma to the Lymphoma and Leukemia walk, will meet other family members and friends for a walk and rememberance of those impacted with this horrible disease......this killed my beloved gfather in 1999, his son my uncle 2010, and Mikes mom in 1981....so it has had a tremendous impact on my life! My hope is that as we make progress with one form of cancer....it will assist in curing other forms of this horrible disease!!! Take care! Dave

Coming from a long line of educators and being a substitute teacher for awhile during my previous career as a ski bum I hear what you are saying...........also think the same for the nursing profession, long unbelievable hrs, short on help, and having the impossible task of being everything to the patients.............discouraging........Dave

Kay thanks for the wonderfull pic! I personally would rather drive in the snow out west than back east at least we dont have so much of the ice as they do!! Dave

Thanks Marty for the video, something i need to learn and retrain my thought processes especially in my new role in life now........Harry, keep at it, I can see your frustration........yet if you touch one life with your work and it is positive for them......then you have done something remarkable! Dave

Thanks Marty, yes I know what you are saying but need to hear it again........and probably again........this week has continuely been the worst so far.......but am continuing on........ My big diversion for today was to go Estate sale shopping, big business in a retirement community like Sun City, fortunately I found nothing I couldnt live without but it did get me out of the house and was functioning......went to the local store to get some produce, and went to their dumpster to clean out the jeep, I live in my vehicles..........boxes of produce were being thrown out!!!! yes partially moldy....but I was raised around depression era g-parents, where nothing was wasted.......unfortunately that began a lifetime of hoarding by my gma...........I couldnt stand it going to waste, so loaded boxes of cauliflower, peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, boxes of trash bags.....though I would take it to the local food bank....they refused due to it some mold on it........so what to do, stopped by a couple of friends homes that are struggling in todays economy......they refused, " wow we cant eat that it has mold on it" despite my ed that they need to just cut it off!!! so my plans for the rest of the day are to salvage what I can, and freeze it, give what I dont have room for to my family, and feed the rest to the chickens..........Mike would be pleased, amazing......actually sad...... to me what our country waste!!! ...........guess this maybe the start of my new hobby dumpster diving!!!!! but unfortunately that didnt stop the tears from flowing when I drove into my driveway..... Dave

Thought you all would like to know that last night, there was a full moon it was beautifull.....and was inspired to sit out on the porch and talk to Mike, I did this while playing the cd that was on at Hospice when he died, at that point I decided to drink one of his last beers and toast him and planted some of his ashes into the Magnolia tree, that I had planted a few weeks ago......first time I had done anything with his ashes, and for last night I did feel some peace, today?.......dont feel as good but at least I feel peace is in reach, at least for now........plans for today......to go into Sun City and hit some Estate Sales and pick up some items I dont need......then maybe it will then warm up here so I can do some more painting....and continue to digest what 6 months of this experience has done to me...Dave

Wow Mary Thanks for posting that saying from Anna Quindlen.........almost like she said it just for me, and at the right time........and for me it just doesnt speak for the holidays, but for yr round.......powerfull thought for me to start the day! Dave ps I looked on grief on facebook where do you find these sayings? Thks!

Novi, so sorry to hear of your loss.....Dave

Ouray is beautifull! 8,500 ft, man 7,000 makes me tired! Trying to paint that picket fence what a chore, figure I need to pace my self a section at a time, trying to finish before Thanksgiving, thinking about family and friends here for turkey day......one catch have never fixed Thanksgiving dinner.....huh, guess I just want to show off the paint job............probably an easier way......Dave

Yes it is snowing in the high country, my cabin is up on the northeast side of the state near Showlow, Az is an interesting state, Phoenix area is not for me but the high country is totally different then here, crazy, Mike and I enjoyed our time up there the previous summer but this past summer didnt have the energy to get up there.......now dont have the energy to drive in the snow up there, maybe someday....Dave

Oh how I miss the snow, I probably wasnt made for life in Phoenix! just got back from a walk maybe just over 1/2 mile.......got to pace myself.......the weather is crisp for here, I live ouside of Phoenix so is a little higher in elevation from Phoenix and a couple of degrees cooler, cried for part of the way.....until I saw my outside cat "12 toes" a Polydactal cat, was following me like a dog.......made me laugh......guess she was making sure I was ok.......Mike had only been in snow 1 weekend in his life and was planning on taking him to my cabin in the northern part of az for some snow, we never got to do that.......guess he probably is checking out the snow up there now! Sure love how peacefull, crisp and clean snow feels.......until I drive in it! Please be carefull out there! Dave

Thanks as always for everyones support! Have come to the conclusion that I am so envious of those that had their love for a significant amount of time, I know deep down inside that time has no factor on the love that you have, true love is true love, but our time was so short. I guess I mourn also for the plans and dreams that died also.......dont we all........but had I had known what I was in for....would I have allowed him into my life......the happy times were so short, finding it is not enough to sustain me in my grief, and am not sure this love was worth it. I cant help but to be very angry here, angry at god, angry at Mike, angry at his family for not providing him a better? life a healthier life style that wouldnt have expedited his demise........and angry at myself for falling in love. I personally dont buy that old saying " It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but also agree with that other adage " ignorance is bliss", for had I never had met Mike, my life wouldnt have been destroyed for the past months............With this all being said, If I really didnt love Mike and really wished he had never been in my life, why am I struggling so hard? I should just go happily along with the rest of my life, gratefull for new furniture and a new car.................that was NEVER why I entered into this relationship, can buy my own car and furniture........ My confidence is shaken to the core, as I have said before, this was the first live in relationship I have had in 20 yrs, this is a big deal to me that I took the plunge....................just to be left with a shattered heart, that is all I feel that has become of me.......I have a chance currently to develop another friendship that could be wonderfull.........but not sure I can pursue any further.........there is no guarantees that he wont get sick and die, have threatened to make him go get a physical......but alas as a medical professional, that really means nothing, there are many things the medical profession cannot detect.......and who can predict a horrible accident??? Maybe it will take me another 20 yrs to try a serious relationship........have to decide if the pleasure is worth the pain again....... I really do love Mike and know he is here with me........ but peace is eluding me........Dave

Yes I remember the week Mike first got sick, the refrigerator went out.......2 weeks later the a/c went out in the house......didnt want to spend 4,000$ to replace, wanted to spend it on the bucket list, so bought window units.......4 weeks later he was gone, nothing accomplished on the bucket list.......after he died, the computer went out,the dvd player died, the following week the dishwasher burned up, and the a/c compressor in his car went a month after that.......yes I was feeling paranoid........that part I can laugh about now......Dave

Hey Becky, Mikes bday and our anniversary where in the same week, and the anticipation was worse then the experience, with that being said not sure why I am struggling so bad this week........ with the 6 month angelversary.......... Anyway will be thinking of you on your filled week! Dave

Mir and Susan, Although struggling right now I had a great experience with medium by the name of Rita Berkowitz, who was pretty amazing the things she got right, and it did bring me alot of comfort. Mary, Good luck with the rotator cuff experience, think you are on the right track, and if you get to the point of it not working at least you tried all you could before trying surgery. Dave

As the 6 month anniversary approaches tomorrow....I feel that I am falling into the abyss........It is so hard to visit that dark area, and yet know I must.....to stay healthy and get stronger, or at least I hope I get stronger.....right know I am questioning everything in my life....I am so dissapointed.....I feel like giving up......no not on being alive.....with a heartbeat......but feeling alive, being happy........yes I know at the age 46 I have alot of yrs left.....and yet we would have never have thought that mike would have left at 45............ How can I go on and take chances, when I know that when I have.........it has left me broken...........how can I find that jest for life that i felt with Mike, that passion, not for just him, but also for life again? Damn, I think I have visited that abyss enough for now.......dont like it, have just realized that it is not my friend........so time to hit the hay and go through the motions tomorrow again..... Dave

Not to worry we all get it.........let us know how it is going...Dave

Melina, Yes I have been insulted by others remarks, many times, even from my family and also Mikes! I dont always handle it well, but try to tell myself they are clueless to this, and surely they dont mean to be hurtfull......anyhow try to walk away, the times I have such as leaving my parents home without saying goodbye.......I guess I got the point across! I know the people around me love me.......but fortunately they have not walked this path............Dave