enna

Some really, really good ideas, I think. 12 Ways to Make a Difference this Holiday Season https://medium.com/@spiritualmd/12-ways-to-make-a-difference-this-holiday-season-b9c326cf6e13#.gsh8g14ai

Hi Laura, What a wonderful thing you and Lena are doing. My heart always is uplifted when you post about what Lena is doing when visiting the senior homes. I am amazed how you are picking up the language of the Turkish lady and are able to communicate with her. It is not the first time I have heard about some elderly people going back to a native language when they are experiencing some dementia. I think what you are doing is so inspiring. Anne

Holiday Grief: When The First Holiday Is NOT The Worst Holiday Eleanor and I had been feeling like we had said just about everything there was to say about grieving at the holidays and then yesterday our facebook page blew up with people discussing the first holidays after a loss not being the hardest. The consensus was that this was common and yet totally unexpected for many grievers who just assumed that by year 2 the holidays should be a whole lot easier. Suddenly we realize, no, we had not yet posted about everything because we have never written about that! Today’s post will be short and sweet, but I felt like someone needed to say one thing loud and clear before Christmas and New Year’s are upon us: the first holidays are NOT always the worst. Sometimes they are, for some people they are, but if this holiday is feeling even worse than the first holiday after your loss, that is totally normal. And when you think about why it kinda makes sense. Though there can be a zillion reasons year 2 may be worse than year 1, a couple big factors come to mind: The first holidays were a blur. This is often true, but especially when you lost your loved one in the latter part of the year. Everything is a blur, holidays included, so as hard as it was your mind and body may have still been in a shocked state, protecting you just a bit as you muddled through the holidays. You cut yourself a break during the first holidays. We know it will be hard and people will (hopefully) be understanding, so it is easier to say no to certain events, skip certain traditions and find support around us. By holiday 2 we may be finding it harder to say no in the same way. Remember, there is no set timeline for grief. You have just as much of a right to cut yourself in year 2 as you do in year 1! During the first holidays, other people gave you a pass. Early on after a loss we often get lots of support and understanding. This includes during the first holiday season, during which others are most likely to support us doing what we need for ourselves. In year 2 and beyond people may not be quite as understanding during the holidays. Though it can be easier said than done, try not to let those around you pressure you. The holidays stop being polite and start getting real. On our facebook page, several people commented that the 2nd year was when it became real that their loved one was truly gone and their holidays would never look and feel exactly the same again. This, of course, does not mean the holidays can’t still be wonderful, but it does mean they will always be at least a little hard, different and bittersweet. For whatever reason, that reality doesn’t always set in during year one, but it can hit us like a ton of bricks in year 2, 3 or even beyond. You thought you would be in a better place this year. During holiday 1 you may have skipped things altogether, taken a break, scrapped some stressful holiday stuff, all the while telling yourself you would get it together next year. Well, now it is next year and you are not nearly as ‘together’ as you thought you would be. You have the pain of the holidays and now you are beating yourself up that you aren’t where you thought you would be. This is usually the point in a post when we give you some practical ideas on how to cope, but we have about a zillion other posts about dealing with the holidays. You can read our most recent post on having a happy-sad holiday here, or check out all our past holiday posts here. The most important thing to remember if your holiday is feeling harder than your first holiday: you are not alone, you are not weird, you are not crazy, you are not grieving wrong, and you are still entitled to cut yourself all the slack you need. Sending all our good thoughts to get through the holidays and maybe hopefully find just a little joy and gratitude along your way. from What's Your Grief

Update on my grand dog, Fred. His visit with the vet went well after his surgery. The big dressing came off and now the air can get to the wound. It goes the length of his back leg! He was not eating and he became nauseous due to the medicine he was taking. The vet took him off of all drugs and gave him one antibiotic shot. I hope he will eat something soon. It hurts to see him in such discomfort. He is such a gentle soul. He is peeing now and has to be kept quiet for three to four weeks! I just don’t want him to be in pain! He doesn’t seem to mind the cone he has to wear but I wish he didn’t have to wear it. Christmas will be at my home this year. We are sharing the food preparation. I will have a small group of six family members only. Of course, Fred will be with us. I can manage that. I do this because it makes me reach out to others and takes me out of the focus of myself! I could not do this the first few years of Jim’s death. I am also volunteering for a few hours to prepare dinners for one of our wheels on meals organization. I have AZ sweet oranges and lemons that have to be picked and given to family and some neighbors. The trees are producing way too much fruit for me. I love fresh squeezed orange juice and I freeze lemon juice to use for baking. I am making a mixture of what I call Nut Brittle to give as gifts this year. Here’s the recipe if you wish to try it: Nut Brittle Ingredients 2 cups sugar 1/2 cup water 1 stick unsalted butter 1/3 cup light corn syrup ½ teaspoon baking soda 12 ounces mixed nuts - roasted, salted cashews, pecans, macadamia, pistachios Fleur de sel ( a fine sea salt) Directions In a large saucepan, combine sugar, water, butter, and corn syrup and bring to a boil. Cook over moderately high heat, stirring occasionally until the caramel is light brown and registers 300 degrees on a candy thermometer – about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and carefully stir in the baking soda. The mixture will bubble. Stir in the nuts, then immediately scrape the brittle onto a large rimmed, nonstick baking sheet. Working quickly, use the back of a large spoon (oil it if it sticks) and spread the brittle into a thin, even layer. Immediately sprinkle with sea salt. Let cool completely, about 30 minutes. Break into pieces. Makes about 2 pounds. You’ll need a lot – folks love this!

Here is another article from WYG. . . Holiday Music Out of Key: When songs become sad My Christmas season starts with a quiet tradition; it’s one I picked up from my mother although it was never officially passed down. It doesn’t commence after devouring my last piece of Thanksgiving pie or walking through the doors of Target at midnight on Black Friday; it starts when I get out my tattered copy of the Big Book of Christmas Songs and sit down at the piano and play from Angels We Have Heard on High to Silent Night and every carol in between. This piano book is my favorite to play; partly because I’m not all that good and most of the songs are so familiar I can fake my way through. But mostly because playing the piano soothes me and allows me to reflect on the past, present and future. Christmas songs, which are ingrained with nostalgia and memory, are especially prone to send me back to a time when our hearts truly seemed light. ‘The first noel the angels did say..,’ and I’m standing in our church one December morning. My family is spread out over two pews, singing the hymn’s harmonies just a bit too loud. My overly concerned and self-aware family is cautious to never do anything that might be considered showy or obnoxious, except where a harmony line is involved. ‘Away in a manger no crib for a bed…,’and I’m listening to the timid and slightly off pitch crooning of a child’s Christmas pageant. My mother, the director of the children’s choir, is sitting in front of the singers mouthing the words as a sea of charmed parents sit behind her smiling lovingly. ‘There’s a song in the air! There’s a star in the sky!’ and I’m surrounded by my mother and her teary-eyed siblings as they sing their deceased mother’s favorite Christmas song. I’m unsure of the words or why my aunts and uncles are sad, but I know the moment is important. ‘Silent night, holy night..,’ and I’m choking through the song’s familiar words at our church candlelight service the year we found out my mother was sick. Fast forward a year and I’m singing with my family in a dim room around a brightly lit Christmas tree on Christmas Eve; each of us wondering how the absence of someone could be so felt so fully. I had a hard time with Christmas songs in the year or two after my mother died. A few notes of Judy Garland’s Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas or Bing Crosby’s Silent Night and I was done; a grief side-effect that hardly seemed fair because these were the songs closest to my heart. Sometimes the only way I can conceptualize the holidays in the year or two after the death of a loved one is to think of it like a film negative; everything is opposite. Happy is sad and where we’re used to being filled up with the love and warmth of the holidays, we’re now filled with a well of sadness that bubbles over and erupts into tears at the most unexpected and inconvenient of times. When you’re grieving, small yet tender reminders like I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas and Hanukkah Oh Hanukkah can shock you and rub you where you’re already raw. As if death hasn’t stolen enough from you already, it greedily takes your ability to enjoy a song you’ve loved for years and sadly I don’t have anything constructive to offer about this other than to say, I understand. I see you paralyzed in the middle of your shopping because ‘O Holy Night’ has begun playing over the stereo. I see you crying in church because you’ve just turned to this morning’s hymns and realized it’s ‘O Little Town of Bethlehem’. I see you looking sullen at the office holiday part because ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ is playing. I get it. Actually, a lot of people get it. You aren’t alone. In the 8 years since my mother’s death these songs have recovered many of their positive qualities, but catch me on the wrong day and they still have the potential to grip my heart and bring me to tears. Except years later the tears are a mix of happy and sad emotion; they are happiness with a twist. My hope is that at the very least you will someday feel this melancholy fondness (if you don’t already) and as the song goes until then you’ll, “…have to muddle through somehow.” With the holidays in full swing we want to point our a few WYG resources you might find helpful: 1. As always, subscribe to receive posts straight to your email inbox 2. Listen to our podcast on grief and the holidays. 3. Check out our print grief resource, A Practical Guide for Grieving During the Holidays

This gave me a chuckle!

Thank you, Kay. This is so sad. This family has had its share of trauma for so long now. Prayers are being offered.

This is now on YouTube. I can't delete this one.

A Holiday Gift Guide for Those Coping with Grief. https://medium.com/@spiritualmd/holiday-gift-guide-for-those-coping-with-death-c1cbf83af44a#.wdchya1y0

Wednesday, December 7, 2016 Home For the Holidays Finding a place to survive when your world has been torn apart. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Christmas, Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice or another observance that you celebrate at this time of year, our memories of being HOME for it are probably similar. The idea of going HOME for the holidays fills us with warm images, of sleigh bells and dreidels, of lattes and latkes, of Hallmark moments complete with snow, ice skating, and houses with glowing lights. Although if we live in a warmer climate, Santa might wear shorts, and Christmas lights are strung in palm not pine trees. We remember the HOME where we grew up, the holiday activities we’d do every year, the decorations we’d put up, the special foods we’d eat, and all the various gatherings of family and friends. Eventually, we moved away and began our own lives, creating a new HOME with a different set of holiday traditions. No matter how old we are, when the holidays come around every year, our minds return HOME to a place that has become slightly mythical, a place of warmth where there was always love, friendly banter, and endless sugar cookies. Going HOME renewed our sense of hope that had flagged over the year. Returning HOME was like starting over. We could dream again of how wonderful life could be. It was our bar at “Cheers” where everyone knew our name and accepted us with all our faults. * The first holiday season after the death of someone we loved, our sense of HOME is pretty much destroyed. Where we live now feels wrong because someone dear to us, someone who made our life a home, is missing, and what we’re left with is a house that feels empty. The song “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” takes on irony. Besides muttering angry thoughts under our breath every time we hear it, we still desperately want to reclaim whatever is left of HOME so that we can wrap ourselves in it until the holidays are over. * The Christmas after Evelyn died was incredibly hard because it was her favorite season. She loved to decorate, bake, sing in holiday Revels shows, and buy gifts for everyone she knew. Often I plugged into her energy. That first year I actually managed to put up a Christmas tree on the first Sunday of Advent, but could not motivate myself to add any lights or decorations. On Christmas Eve, feeling a little better, I added a single strand of white lights and two ornaments, a white-silver heart with red and green garlands for Evelyn’s love, and a dark-green, tissue-paper heart for me, because my heart felt torn and dark. Rather than play Christmas music, especially the happy Swedish songs that Ev loved, I put on a CD by Sarah McLachlan singing of her losses and longing: “the night’s too long and cold here without you.” It seemed more appropriate for remembering that refugee family from long ago. The problem with the holidays is that we are always looking in the wrong direction. We keep looking back wanting to find that idyllic past and replicate that perfect holiday, instead of looking ahead to see what risks we can take for new visions, what new adventures we can go on, and how we can deepen our core relationships. Each year we should celebrate the holidays in new ways because life has taken us to a new place. If we lost someone this year, we don’t have much choice. Posted by Mark Liebenow at 6:46 AM

I think this is a good article. "The Fog of Grief During the Holidays"... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/5846caf2e4b0707e4c81724b?timestamp=1481036183589

Oh, Robin, what you are feeling is very normal. This is not a "taboo" subject at all. We are human and it is natural to miss the intimacy we had with our spouses. We all handle grief in our own way and however we handle it is neither right or wrong as long as we do not hurt another person. Please be careful to not do anything that would go against what is in your heart. Urges and feelings pass. Do something that will make you feel good. Get a massage, buy a big pillow and hug it, or run. Nothing will replace the love you had with Kevin but some of these things can make you feel better. (((hugs)))

If you celebrate the holiday in any way I think this is a wonderful idea for those who have children or grandchildren in their lives who have lost a loved one. I’m doing this with my grandchildren this year over FaceTime to continue to honor their grandfather. The idea can be adapted for whatever holiday you celebrate. Idea from What's Your Grief

Healing Grief Videos Hosted by Grief Expert David Kessler Many times we want to avoid Grief, really what we are avoiding is the pain we feel from loss. Grief is an natural reaction that helps us heal that pain. Below you’ll find videos of the most frequently asked questions about healing grief. Please note they provide only General Information, as everyone’s grief is different. The information provided on this site, such as text and video is for informational purposes only. It is not to be construed as medical care or medical advice and is not a replacement for medical care or mental health care. 1. What Is Journaling and How Can It Help Me Grieve? Watch This Video 2. Is it Healthy to Keep My Loved Ones Belongings? Watch This Video 3. How To Move Past Your Grief In A Healthy Way? Watch This Video 4. How Long is Considered Too Long to Grieve? Watch This Video 5. How do I Fill the Gap My Loved One Has Left? Watch This Video 6. Should I Take Time Off or Work Through My Grief? Watch This Video 7. How Long Will It Take to Stop Grieving? Watch This Video 8. Do I Need Professional Help for Grieving? Watch This Video 9. Is Bereavement Counseling Right for Me? Watch This Video 10. Does Everyone Grieve in the Same Way? Watch This Video 11. Can I see a Counselor for Bereavement or Grief? Watch This Video 12. Afterlife, Visions, Trips and Crowded Rooms – CNN Watch This Video

Today.

The birds they sangAt the break of dayStart againI heard them sayDon't dwell on what Has passed away Or what is yet to be. ~ Leonard Cohen ~ Image "Autumn fantasy" by Teuni Stevense

I am calling on some extra thoughts and prayers for my sweet granddog, Fred, who will have surgery on Wednesday for ligament damage to one of his back legs. He just had a cancerous tumor removed from his other back leg and the vet said he needs this surgery or he could end up not being ambulatory! He is so sweet. He is a thirteen-year-old Beagle and so very wise.

Thinking of you today and all the following days as you go through this very painful time, Cheryl. Holding you and your family in my prayers.

November 30, 2016 An article by Mark Liebenow Silence of the Holidays Holidays used to be Holy Days when time was set aside for looking at our lives, figuring out what we didn’t like about them, gathering spiritual guidance, and adjusting our habits so that we would head in the direction that we wanted. Instead of facing our trauma, we have morphed the observances into an excuse to indulge in excess. If we lost someone this year, we don’t want celebration. We want mindfulness. Besides Christmas, other religions and cultures have observances at this time of year, like the Jewish Hanukkah, the African American Kwanzaa, and the Winter Solstice. They acknowledge miracles, core values, the changing seasons, and celebrating light in the midst of the dark winter months. This is some of what I like about these holidays: Hanukkah – the daily ritual of lighting candles. Winter Solstice – accepting the invitation to walk in nature and listen to its quiet voices and its stillness. Christmas — We decorate the house, the yard, the pets, buy gifts for everyone we like, and some we don’t. Bake a lot of cookies, shop every day. Sing Norwegian sleigh bell songs and some of us sit by the window and watch the snow come down for hours. New Year’s Eve — We stay up too late, drink too much, and eat too many rich foods. We toast each other and resolve to make the coming year the best one ever. On New Year’s Day, we watch football games, movie marathons, or catch up on our favorite shows on Netflix. Before the special days arrive, we’ve already spent a bunch, partied too much, and we’re exhausted. And if we don’t get along with everyone in our family, arguments tend to break out, and we end up not speaking to each other for another year. Is this what we want from our holidays? For many of us, it is. In a surface way, the secular versions of the holidays say that JOY still exists. There’s a surge of good will in our community, of people willing to work together, and we desperately need to hear this. We need this boost as this year comes to its weary end. We also respond to the LONGING we feel for something deeper than what we find in our daily lives. It’s the longing that people throughout the centuries have felt at this time of year. So we observe ancient rituals and traditions to assure ourselves that HOPE still exists, that the miracle of the candles is real, and that if we work for what we believe, we can make changes and bring in a better future. But if we’re grieving, the holidays are traumatic. Whether we lost a spouse, friend, parent, sibling, or child, the happy messages constantly remind us that someone we loved is dead. There are triggers everywhere — the holiday sounds, foods, smells, music, decorations, even the crisp feel of the air. When we’re in despair, all the joy being thrown at us like snowballs only drives us deeper into the safe refuge of our battered hearts. We long for the holidays to be over. For friends who are grieving, the best gift you can give is to not insist that they be happy. They can’t set their grief aside just because it’s the holidays. But you can invite them to your party and allow them to sit on the side, enjoy the music and the banter of conversations, and leave when they need to go. Even if you aren’t grieving this season, listen to your heart again.

5 Gifts To Give Yourself This Holiday Season Another December has arrived and once again we are busily preparing for the holiday rituals that will take place as the year winds to an end. This is a perfect time to stop for a moment and really think about the meaning of your own celebrations, so that you don’t end up spending a fortune in time and money with nothing real to show when it is over. This is the year that you should dedicate yourself to staying in the present moment as much as possible, no matter how crazy and hectic your schedule becomes. If you race through each day of the season, mindlessly completing the items on your to-do list, you can become exhausted, depleted and resentful and totally miss the joys of this special time of year. But you can thrive throughout this busy season by following a few simple suggestions. The solution is to give yourself some special gifts this year. I’m not talking about gifts that cost money or are indulgent, like a spa day, a fancy night on the town, or an exotic vacation — though those things may be just what you need right now. But these are some splurges for the “Soul” — activities that will help you find meaning during these holidays: The Gift of Solitude No matter how busy you are, take some time out to be totally alone for part of one day or evening. Try to find a place to go where you will not be around other people and turn your phone off or leave it behind for at least one hour. I live in the mountains and it’s easy for me to snowshoe on a trail above my house and walk in solitude for an entire day. But if you live in a city you may have to be creative: find a park where you can sit in an out-of-the-way grove, visit a little-used section of your local library, or find a time when you have your home to yourself, with no internet, television or radio to distract you. The idea is to be alone with your thoughts for just one hour. During that time, take some deep breaths, think about the holiday that is approaching, reminisce about good times in the past, and contemplate what is most important to you about this season. Think of at least one thing you love about the holidays and plan how you can emphasize that activity or feeling in your life this year. 2. The Gift of Spontaneity Be watchful for opportunities to do something special that is not on your to-do list: wander through a local neighborhood to look at the lights, stop to listen to carolers on the street corner, take in the special window displays downtown, make a snow-angel or build a snowman if you live in a cold climate. 3. The Gift of Wisdom Spend some time reading from one of the great Wisdom texts available to us: the Bible, Bhagavad Gita, Kabbalah, I Ching, The Gospel of Thomas, Tao te Ching, the poetry of Rumi or countless other sources. Immerse yourself in the beautiful language and thoughtful sentiments in these ancient writings. As Rumi wrote: “Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.” 4. The Gift of Hunger This may not sound like a gift at all, but I encourage you — just once during the holidays — to skip a meal. In this season of baking, feasting, partying and frequent overindulgence, it is an interesting experiment to go without eating for part of a day. When you have felt hunger for a few hours you will actually appreciate the abundant food that surrounds you and remember those who are not so fortunate at this or any other time of the year. You might even want to donate the money you save from that meal to a local soup kitchen or charity. 5. The Gift of Stars Though it may be difficult for some, depending on where you live, I recommend going to a place one evening where you can look up and see the stars. Lie back for a brief time and study the vastness of the universe, reminding yourself how small we really are here on our beautiful planet. All of the rushing, shopping, buying, wrapping, baking, and entertaining that fill up your schedule are not really important when you consider the entire expanse of creation. But the Love that you feel and share with others rises above everything as what really matters during this holiday season. And finally, no matter which of the above gifts you choose to give yourself this year, I suggest that you spend some time writing about the experience in your journal. Remember to express your gratitude every day for this amazing life and all the blessings that have been showered upon you, during the holidays and all year long. May you have a December to remember as you bring this year to a close and share your gifts with the world! If you are interested in starting a journal or enhancing your journaling practice, you can download the “Journaling Starter Kit” atwww.karenwyattmd.com (no obligation — you don’t even have to sign up!) Enjoy this gift of reflection and may your days be blessed with what really matters! About the Author: (Dr. Karen Wyatt is a hospice and family physician and the author of the award-winning book “What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying.” She is a frequent keynote speaker and radio show guest whose profound teachings have helped many find their way through the difficult times of life. Learn more about her work at www.karenwyattmd.com.)

This is now on YouTube. I think I also put it on page 2 - I can't delete one of them.

This is a FREE eCourse by What's Your Grief ~ "Coping with Grief During the Holidays" ~ it is self-directed so you do it at your own pace. Did you sign up for WYG's 'Coping with Grief During the Holidays' eCourse? Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is over, head over and start navigating through the course. Also, don't forget to post in the class forum. If you aren't registered, there's still time (and it's free). http://whatsyourgrief.com/…/coping-grief-holidays-self-gui…/ Coping With Grief During the Holidays: A self-guided eCourse - What's Your Grief School Please register to indicate your interest in taking this course. If we are able to meet minimum participation, this will be available in mid-November. WHATSYOURGRIEF.COM|BY ©WHAT'S YOUR GRIEF

Oh, Patty, the video just brought tears (happy) to my eyes. How wonderful. How encouraging to see this and to see you again after your visit here during Steve's Art Auction Fundraiser. Good for you. Now I hope you give yourself permission to step back and rest for a little while. You so deserve it. Anne