enna

Loss of Control in Grief. . . http://whatsyourgrief.com/loss-of-control-in-grief/

Oh Patty, I am so sorry to hear this latest news. There are no words. All I keep saying to myself is when is enough, enough! I can only imagine how very stressful this is for you. I know how much you want this to work. I know this is not only about you but also about what others have invested in Maui Pasta. I continue to keep you in my thoughts. Anne

Looking for the light. . . http://photogrief.com/looking-for-the-light/

Hello Maynard, I am so very sorry for the reason you are here but I'm happy that you found this place. I understand the emptiness you are feeling. My time without my beloved husband of forty years will be five years next month. It is difficult but I want you to know that it does get more manageable as the months and years pass. We do carry those we have loved in our hearts. Right now, know that we will be here so you do not have to feel alone. Not only is this a safe place to be but our forum is filled with compassionate people. Others will be around to welcome you. Anne

You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers dear Butch. There are no words to comfort you or your family. We are here for you and for now, we hope that is enough. I know your Mary is with you only not as you would like her to be. Those of us who have lost a loved one really do understand. Please let Allen and Katie know that we hold them close to our hearts today. Anne

As I Approach the Fifth Year Next Month Without My Jim Someone asked me how I managed those first few years after my Jim died and I had to think back to what were some of the major steps that got me through. The first months I was in a daze. I was exhausted from caring for my Jim for five years and even though I had help all around me I still walked around with little or no sleep. Because I had the help of Hospice of the Valley in Arizona and a private nurse and the help of many friends I was able to focus on being a wife those last few months. After Jim died I isolated myself for a few months and did only what I had to do. Being retired helped me hide. Looking back I think I grazed on food that people would bring in and I think I showered but I don’t remember. I know I spent quite a bit of time in bed under the covers. I spent hours with the lights on and the TV going just so it didn’t seem so lonely. A lifesaver for me was that I had been going to a caregiver support group for a few years and learned how important it was to have help and use the help that was available to me. My Hospice Team not only took care of Jim but they also saw to it that my other family members and I were being cared for too. I was reminded that HOV would be there for me and they were. After a few months, I remembered calling HOV and asking if a grief counselor was available to visit me and immediately I was set up with an “angel” on earth. She was there for me for the next months and guided me along. The first meetings I sat silent and only answered her guided questions. I seemed to have lost the ability to initiate conversation. I stuck with it and as the months passed I became a full participant in my grief journey. Months into my grief counseling I mentioned to her that I think I was well on my way and ever so gently she said that we have a ways to go. “The mind knows what happened, she said, so now we have to get the heart and mind closer.” So my journey continued. I was directed to Marty’s forum and also to her 1st year of grief e-course. I took advantage of many other online readings as well as another e-course that I especially enjoyed from a site called Esdeer by Maureen Hunter. I became obsessed with reading about grief (and forgot almost everything I read those first two years) and I read the thread on spousal loss on the forum. I re-learned how to meditate and accept the feelings that came. There were times I sat in what I called a deep hole that was very dark and allowed any thoughts to come. Someone early in my grief told me that the journey will be mine but we will be with you all the way. That promise has not been broken and there are people still with me today. Grief is never over. There is no time limit to our grief. We can’t say it has been four weeks or three months or a year and I don’t feel better. It can be years and you still may not feel better if you haven’t tended to your grief. Being busy, working, ignoring your grief doesn’t make it go away. We have been told that it just sits until we take care of it. We need to acknowledge our grief. We need to do what each one of us has to do to begin the healing process. We are not the same and we will never be the same. You will begin to discover that there is a new you emerging out of this painful grief. You will always miss the person or persons you lost but it does get better. You start to focus on the good memories and yes you might even find a reason to smile. It’s a choice. If you are reading this I believe you are already on the path to healing. I have come to believe that no matter what our belief is there is always that possibility of resurrection.

Divinely Gia is a young person who guides us through some simple meditations as we release stress from our bodies. When I was first introduced to Gia I thought she would appeal more to the younger crowd but that is not the case. Her gentle voice guides us to a deep peace. Here is one meditation that aids us in being calm and centered. It’s worth checking it out, I think. Here is her meditation on soothing relief for stress and anxiety

Laura, this is exciting. My thoughts will be with you as you complete your resume and wait. Less than a half hour to work would be great for you and for Lena. Anne

Happy Birthday, Maryann. I'm sorry I missed it. I love the idea of the pansy purple door. I am also glad that you were able to talk with Rabbi Jill. I think it is important that we can be "real' to a few people who cross our paths. I believe it is part of our healing. I have been focusing on affirmations during the Lenten season and I found this article to be interesting. I share it here for what it's worth. We all aspire to live the life of our dreams. But sometimes we’re so busy trying to acquire everything that we think we need, we forget to acknowledge everything that we already have. No matter where we are in our life, we habitually feel that somehow it could be better. We are always seeking the next best thing. Yet a focus on the future takes our attention away from the present moment. Affirmations are a great way to ground us in the present moment and to acknowledge what we already have, yet also to clearly state our intentions for what we want. Stated aloud they are a form of prayer to our inner Self and to the Universe, sharing our deepest needs and desires. They provide us with a daily reminder to keep moving us towards the life of our dreams. Affirmations move the focus away from what we believe is lacking and instead focus our attention on what we want to move towards. Metaphysics has taught us that if we focus on the absence of something we want, also described as lack, we will continue to attract the energy of lack towards us. However, if we choose to focus on what we want (rather than its absence), we will attract the item of our desire into our conscious awareness. Furthermore, affirmations remind us of our goals and the thought process we need to use to get ourselves there. They can dissolve harmful ruminating thoughts that fill our space and replace them with loving intentions of self-fulfillment and growth. If you’re unsure which affirmations will suit you best, here are three comprehensive yet simple affirmations that have the power to change your life. 1. I am grateful. By expressing gratitude, you are choosing to acknowledge all of the wonderful things in your life that you already have. It is likely that you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your belly, and at least one person in this world who loves you; start there. Too many of us are preoccupied trying to find something bigger and better that we become blind to the wonderful life that we are already living. By affirming I am grateful, you are acknowledging everything you already have and thus opening yourself up to more. You are taking your attention away from lack and preparing yourself for the next gift the Universe has been waiting to bring you. 2. I am abundant. Many people associate abundance with financial wealth, however abundance refers to many resources that we are surrounded by. Abundance can refer to family, friends, food, water, or other material items. Abundance can also refer to non-physical items such as love, joy, peace or spirituality. Have you heard the term ‘rich in love’? Who is to say that being rich in wealth is any better than being rich in love? It is just another form of abundance. By affirming I am abundant, you are encapsulating all of these different types of abundance and affirming your wealth in the physical and nonphysical riches that are always available to you. 3. I am enough. As human beings, we tend to develop a belief over time that wherever we are in life and how much we have accomplished is never enough. Positive Psychology states that one of the main causes of our suffering (which manifests itself as anxiety and depression) is a social comparison. In today’s world of social media, social comparison is a way of life. We use Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and countless others to share our personal information and in turn to review the lives of others. It is impossible to take part in social media without subsequently using some form of social comparison. By affirming I am enough, you are satisfying your innate compulsion to be more. You are acknowledging that you are a unique and thus perfect individual and that in itself is enough. Affirmations are a great way to start your day. In the morning we awaken as a fresh slate, eager to take on the day. Why not use this time to set an intention of what you would like to attract into your life? After you’ve turned off your alarm clock and are taking a few extra seconds before getting out of bed, use this precious time to affirm your goals for the day. Affirmations remind us that we are in the driver’s seat. You are not merely a cog in a wheel reacting to life and all of its seemingly random circumstances that are thrown at you. You are a powerful creator with preferences, goals, and passions, and at any moment you can choose to change the direction of your life. You can begin wherever you are and create the life of your dreams. - See more at http://www.tut.com/article/details/258-3-affirmations-that-will-change-your-life/?articleId=258#sthash.MCCh5K4u.dpuf

Questions?? Yes, Gwen, the way we used to be is gone. I know that losing my beloved Jim changed me. I am not the same ~ how could I be? The last time I was looking in my mirror I asked the same question ~ who are you? I stayed there saying over and over again "I don't know who you are!" We start at the beginning ~ and that's a very good thing to do. Gradually, I started to see a new me. It will never be the same and to me, I believe that is only one step in my healing. I will never be able to do some things that Jim and I did together. How could I? I am not the same person nor are you. It is one of the hardest things for me to adjust to and that is my sharing with Jim will never be the same. I have learned to accept that. I am slowly finding new things to do solo and at the same time, I share those things with my Jim. I happen to believe that he does hear me ~ call me crazy! Most of us live a very mundane life. We are not making headline news nor are we even admired in the eyes of ordinary people. As grievers, I believe that each one of us lose a part of who we used to be. It does not mean that we have to crawl into a deep hole and stay there. The choice is ours and whatever we decide is the "new me." I have been in the bottom of many deep holes but have always looked up and found someone at the top just sitting there not saying a word ~ letting me know that I am not alone. Coming to this forum proves to me that we are never alone. There is always someone sitting with us. This is a quote from a friend of mine ~ she lost a child but any loss takes one's breath away. Hug to you, dear friend. Anne

Posted April 4 DAILY MEDITATION Daring to Become Dependent April 4 Photo courtesy of SDGimagery.com When someone gives us a watch but we never wear it, the watch is not really received. When someone offers us an idea but we do not respond to it, that idea is not truly received. When someone introduces us to a friend but we ignore him or her, that friend does not feel well received. Receiving is an art. It means allowing the other to become part of our lives. It means daring to become dependent on the other. It asks for the inner freedom to say: "Without you, I wouldn't be who I am." Receiving with the heart is, therefore, a gesture of humility and love. So many people have been deeply hurt because their gifts were not well received. Let us be good receivers.

Dear Patty, I don’t post here very often but I do read and I’m so sorry you are struggling with this lawsuit when all you really want to do is fulfill a dream you and Ron had. During times like this it is normal to just want to up and quit but from what I have read that is not you. When obstacles cross our path it is easy to just throw the towel in and walk away but it is more challenging to not. You have put your heart and soul into the business and are now struggling with things outside your control. Some people are heartless. Some people are cold and uncaring. Some people even get joy out of someone’s pain. These people are not who we waste our time with. This is their baggage that they have to carry around. I just know that you will fight a good fight and do your best and that is all your Ron wants you to do. You are doing the best you can and for that, you need to know that you are a success. Over the years I have learned that it is what I put into my life that counts not whether or not I appear successful to others. I have a daughter who reminds me often that she never lets a day go by without thinking of me. She tells me how she tries to be a good mother to my three beautiful grandbabies and when days seem to be the hardest she focuses on the words “I’m doing the best I can and that is all I can do.” You, dear Patty, are doing the best you can and no matter what the outcome is with your business know that what you do is enough. You know what is in your heart and your Ron knows, too. The people around you know how very hard you are trying and if they don’t that is about them and not about what you have accomplished or not. I cannot begin to know the sacrifices you are making but I know that what you are doing to keep your business open is coming from your heart. I cheer you on and send hugs to you. You have many people in your corner including that wonderful guy named Steve. Anne

April 3rd Birthday Remembrance My Jim (d. 25 May 2012) No matter how long you have been gone there are those special days that still bring a touch of sadness to me because you are no longer here in the physical sense. You are always in my heart. When I am at my lowest I look to you and remember that I really am stronger than I think I am. How very fortunate I was to know you and to share my life with you for forty years. So many days were so special to us but birthdays were always filled with so many memories. Looking back, I smile because we were always trying to outdo each other. One of my most favorite memories was when you handed me a rose and said to me, “A rose is a perfect flower. You are my rose, remember that every time you see a rose.” I cried. The poem below is identified as Anonymous

Thinking and praying for our dear Kay as she has her eye surgery today. Let us know when you are able that you are back home and beginning to heal, Kay.

Darkness

I just want to send you a hug, Annabella, and reassure you that we are here for you.

I've liked that poem, NATS. I think we do wear our masks depending on who we are with. One thing we do know as Marty has said, we do not need to wear a mask here. It is good to see you here again. I remember how very supportive you were to me when I came on in 2012. How are you doing on your journey? I cannot believe it will be five years for me as you are in your seventh year without your Ruth. Are you still in FL? Anne

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/stress-in-grief/

Wednesday, March 22, 2017 Grieving For Society The Call to be Creative When I was swimming in the minestrone of grief, one of the realities that helped me cope was the sameness of life outside my house. Everyday I could mindlessly commute to work, do my job, come home, watch TV, and sleep. Then 9/11 happened, a few months after my wife died, and my grief was swept into the larger grief of the world. I had no sanctuary from death. Because I didn’t have cable, even TV was no longer a refuge because of its unrelenting coverage of the terror and destruction. What do we do when it’s society we grieve when its fabric is being torn apart? What happens when we no longer trust our institutions or the people running them to do what’s right? Those who grieve can tell when people act like they want to comfort them, but who really don’t care. “Your wife died so young! Such a tragedy. Could you hand me the sack of potatoes?” We learn to detect the false fronts that people present and we’re able to spot the brazen, poppycock promises of the flim-flam politicians, the nithering nabobs of negativity who want to stuff people into tidy boxes of “us” versus “them.” Life is messier than simple agendas. The world is more complex than two-step solutions. They pull the veil of fear over our compassion for others When we don’t know the people in our neighborhood, when we aren’t helping to take care of each other, we become people who look out only for ourselves. We forget who we were. We need artists of truth who stand up in the face of the diatribes of hate: - painters who continue to reach into the darkness and bring back the light. - musicians who play the songs of protest and hope. - writers who create the stories of courage and heart. - storytellers who fire up our imaginations because we are not limited by what we see. - solitaries and mystics who dream the deep resonance of souls. We are all creative and compassionate in our own ways, and we have a responsibility. Turlough O’Carolan, the blind Celtic harpist, was asked in the early 1700s why he composed songs of joy in the midst of such dark times in Ireland. He said that when it is the darkest, that is when people need to be reminded that the dawn will come and the sad times end. Our flame still burns, my friends. Today’s darkness will not put it out. Posted by Mark Liebenow

This is not a new article but it showed up in my inbox! "I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyous, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart, explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul." http://www.onbeing.org/blog/the-disease-of-being-busy/

Patty, My heart just aches for you. I wish I could be there for you physically but I can't as so many others can't. I hope you feel our collective arms around you. I am so very sorry you are going through this. You must remember that you are doing the best you can. I cannot take your hurt away but I can tell you that we are here for you. Anne

For Some Things, There Are No Wrong Seasons BY PARKER J. PALMER (@PARKERJPALMER), COLUMNIST I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had at least one “hurricane” in his or her life — a destructive personal experience that seems beyond redemption at the time. In this poem, Mary Oliver does what she does so well, drawing lessons from nature that can keep hope alive even during our darkest days. In 2004, a tornado ripped through our neighborhood in Madison, Wisconsin, damaging houses and toppling many old trees. No one was hurt, but property damage was extensive. At the time, I was going through my third major bout of clinical depression. I found it nearly unbearable to look at our yard, where we had lost a lovely maple and a towering white pine — the devastation “out there” mirrored so closely what was going on “in here.” But slowly, very slowly, the still-standing trees began to recover, “pushing new leaves from their stubbed ends.” And slowly, very slowly, a new life began to grow in me. So for me, this poem evokes deep feeling. It reminds me of hard times and of the fact that eventually, I was able to reclaim hope. Today I read Mary Oliver’s closing lines as a sort of prayer for all of us: “For some things / there are no wrong seasons. / Which is what I dream of for me.” “Hurricane” by Mary Oliver It didn’t behave like anything you had ever imagined. The wind tore at the trees, the rain fell for days slant and hard. The back of the hand to everything. I watched the trees bow and their leaves fall and crawl back into the earth. As though, that was that. This was one hurricane I lived through, the other one was of a different sort, and lasted longer. Then I felt my own leaves giving up and falling. The back of the hand to everything. But listen now to what happened to the actual trees; toward the end of that summer they pushed new leaves from their stubbed limbs. It was the wrong season, yes, but they couldn’t stop. They looked like telephone poles and didn’t care. And after the leaves came blossoms. For some things there are no wrong seasons. Which is what I dream of for me.

The Prayer ~ Fountain of Dubai. Best to view full screen.