enna

Thank you, Laura. Lena is so sweet. I love her holiday dress. And her eyes are just perfect.

Boxes of Grief ~ An article from Widowers Grief Posted: 23 Nov 2016 04:56 AM PST My friends didn’t know what to say. They’d never lost anyone close. My wife died young, and no one taught my generation about grief’s landscape. No one knew to tell me that life was over as I had known it, or that I would be thrown into a land cratered by death for more than a year. Yet everyone had a Box of Imagined Grief, with odds and ends tossed in for what they thought sorrow was like. Whenever I came over, they dug around in their box, took something pithy out, and handed it to me to comfort my grief. Then they expected the dinner party to go on as planned. As you might guess, this wasn’t what I needed. When grief punches us in the gut, it hands us two boxes – Before and After. We stuff everything into theBefore Death Box because we can’t comprehend a future that doesn’t have our loved one in it. The After Death Box remains empty for a long time. When I was finally able to face the emotional tsunami of sorting Evelyn’s possessions, and remembering the talented, compassionate person she was, I created a Box of Memories and filled it with the photographs, letters, and trinkets that marked the important days of our life together. These things I shared with others. I collected a Box of the Lasts — where we ate our last meal, the last movie we saw, Ev’s last birthday, and that moment when I last saw her smile at me — without us knowing that any of these would be her lasts. I hold on to this box with both hands, and these things I share. I drove around town and assembled a Box of Death — the place where she collapsed, the route the ambulance sped to the hospital, the ICU room where Ev lay connected to wires and tubes until the doctors said it was over. The bag of clothes the paramedics had to cut off. Our cold, silent house where I stared out the window the first week. The memorial service. The scattering of ashes. The months of anger and despair. Time does not exist here, and I go to these places alone. These I keep to myself. I do not want to forget the blunt force trauma of death because, as wrenching as it was, it happened, and I cannot undo it. I also do not want to forget the goodness of life with Evelyn, because that was also true. I do not want every memory to become warm and fuzzy or covered in black shrouds because our relationship deserves honesty. My memories are what they were. Our last moments were like a thousand other ordinary moments that come and go every day without us noticing, moments that have the power to bring joy to someone’s eyes or to take it away. I want to live this moment as fully as I can, and then I want to live the next because some of these moments could be transforming and some of them will be the last. Those who reach into their Box of Imagined Grief because they don’t know what to say, need only reach into their Box of Hearts and share the compassion they find. This is the only thing that those who grieve need.

Here's another link I found, Marty, from What's Your Grief ~ http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/surviving-thanksgiving-6-tips-for-grievers/

This came in my email today and I really like what Deepak Chopra says ~ In the Holiday Spirit: Giving, Gratitude, and Grace ByDeepak Chopra, M.D. It would be beautiful to use the holiday season to spiritually expand, to show that this time of year is more than a hectic splurge of spending that leads to stress, family conflict, and depression. Many people experience that negative reality and don't know how to change it into something more positive. The key is to think in terms of things you can do that benefit you while at the same time connecting with others at a deep level. I'm thinking of three words that we can all focus on: giving, gratitude, and grace. Giving Giving has become so materialistic around holiday time that it's easy to forget how meaningful it is to give of yourself. In practical terms, this means being generous when you interact with others, sending the following messages: "I care." "I am here for you." "You matter." "I appreciate you." "I feel warmth in my heart for you." "Here is my love." When you can actually say these words, it makes a difference in other people's lives, especially those who are close to you but get taken for granted. Sometimes, however, it's hard to find a comfortable way to speak from the heart. If this is the case, you can give through your awareness. The following meditation for giving is a powerful way to connect or reconnect with anyone in your life: Sit quietly and bring to mind somebody you want to be the recipient. It helps to visualize their face as clearly as you can. Now think to yourself any combination of or all of the messages listed above. For example, “I appreciate you.” And “Here is my love.” Pause after each one and let its meaning sink into your consciousness. Wait until you feel the warmth and sincerity of your message before moving on to the next one. Gratitude Gratitude has become a hollow gesture we overplay in our "thank you . . . not a problem" society, when in reality it's a powerful spiritual value. During the holidays, you can meditate on gratitudeusing the same messages as in the giving meditation, only with a change of focus. Now the messages are: "You care." "You are here for me." "You show that I matter." "You appreciate me." "You show warmth of heart toward me." "You give me love." Similar to before, try the following meditation for gratitude: Sit quietly and focus on the person who is the recipient of these messages. Think each message, adding the words "thank you" after each phrase. Let this feeling sink in before moving on to the next message. Gratitude and giving, when focused through these meditations, opens up a clear path between two people at the level of feeling and even a deeper level of shared awareness. But there is also purification, because when you express gratitude from the heart, old resentments and negative feelings are detoxified. Grace An uncommon spiritual quality is grace, which belongs to the purest level of awareness, where a single spirit embraces everyone and everything. Grace is that quality in consciousness that enables us to feel safe, protected, loved, and blessed to be alive. The world's wisdom traditions speak of uniting with pure awareness as enlightenment, unity consciousness, or Yoga (union with the source). By meditating on grace, we bring it more into everyday awareness and give room for experiencing grace in our own lives. This meditation requires no words, simply sitting quietly, feeling centered and calm: Place your awareness in the region of your heart, and visualize a soft light there, which gradually expands as you gently breathe. See the light permeate your body and slowly expand until it fills the whole area around you. Be with the light for a few moments, softly speaking or thinking the words, "This is the light of life. This is my true being." Let its living presence imbue your being, without forcing anything. Realize that all you cherish, not just over the holidays but throughout the year, comes by the grace of pure Being. This is the attitude that keeps life fresh and renewing; it opens the way to the path of enlightenment. I am covering a consciousness-based approach because it is the most powerful way to open up avenues of change. When we speak of taking responsibility for our beliefs and feelings, the deeper we go in awareness, the more lasting and positive the change we are aiming for. But the holidays are also a time of doing, and with regard to spiritual values, these are good practices to keep in mind. Don't be drawn into holiday complaining. Remain composed and centered. Always be willing to give of yourself—this is most needed when others feel frazzled and stretched beyond their comfort zone. Give others a reason to feel gratitude by going out of your way to show your caring support. This is doubly valuable if you perform service for those in need, including the homeless, the sick, and the poor. Charity that comes from the heart is an expression of love that will be received at the level of the heart. Exhibit grace by opening yourself to everyone in a non-judgmental, accepting way. We are spirit's conscious agents, and grace remains abstract until it is given a human face. When you are living with the attitude of grace in action, God has descended on earth.

I really like this message. . .

Your story brought a smile to my face. I am so very happy for you. I too believe that our loved ones are always with us. You will always have your memories of your mom. And congratulations on your marriage.

"The practice of looking through the eyes of one who loves us can be a powerful and surprisingly direct way to remember our beauty and goodness." ~ Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

The way ahead is not always clear. . . https://willowgreeninspiration.com/page/3/

Holding you in my thoughts Patty on this your anniversary. And Karen, special hugs to you.

Oh my dear Rylee, What you have written is almost the same thing I said several years ago. The people who were/are on the forum a few years back said that when we support someone who is new to grief we do it because we are ready to offer the help. We should not feel guilty because we are not. You are not selfish, you are grieving and when and if you reach that point of offering someone a comment that may help someone then that is the time you will do so. That is one of the reasons I like the button that we can click on just to show someone that we have read what he/she wrote or that we like something someone said. Please do not feel guilty for where you are at this point on your journey. You are doing just fine.

I love your list about coping with the holidays and have found several of the links to be so helpful, Marty. I found this one and liked the message it contained ~ I didn't see it in your updated list. . . http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f?

Thoughts and love continue for you and the family, Butch.

I loved the video. I loved the purring. I am relaxed. Thank you, Laura, for posting this. I'll be back for another session.

Dear Rylee, I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. Going through all the first special occasions is very difficult and the years that follow will still be so hard. It is good to allow your emotions to just be what they are. You are missing a very important person in your life and her absence will always bring you to tears. Later, much later you will start to focus on the good memories you have of your mom. There will be times when you find yourself smiling over things that remind you of her. One thing that I have done since my mom died is to make a special dessert that was her trademark. This Thanksgiving I will make her "Apple Bettie" crisp. It's yummy with fresh whipped cream and everyone tries it along with the other desserts during this time. Sending hugs to you and your daughter. I know it's hard.

Dear Lori, I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling all this pain right now with your mom going through everything that she going through. You don’t have to “feel positive” for there really isn’t anything positive about this. Of course, you hate to see her suffer. After all, she is your mom who is going through a most difficult time in her life. It is important that you allow yourself to feel just what you are feeling. There is no emotion not “normal” at this time. Do you have a person you can talk with about all of the things going on? You don’t have to do this alone and having found this place you won’t be alone. This forum is filled with caring, loving people who understand how much pain and fear you are going through. I don’t know where you live but there are hospice teams in so many states who could talk with you and/or your family about options like palliative care. They guide you through this time and are both helpful to not only your mom but also to the family. It would help you to do some reading and learn what you can about what others have to say about anticipatory grief (waiting for a loved one to die) and loss of a parent. These are a few articles that have helped me. Grieving Someone Who is Still Alive Anticipatory Grief and Mourning Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

This is not new but a good tool. . .I think.

This sounds like a good course, Kay. I so agree with you about our choices. We do have choices and it's up to us what we do. One of the things that I have learned on this grief journey is that when we forgive it is for us and not for the one we forgive. Keep us posted on the course as you go along.

Nov. 7, 2016 Thanksgiving: Hope for the Holiday: Choosing Love I watched this tonight and am sharing some of my notes: it will be available later on Open to Hope website later this week. Dr. Heidi & Gloria Horsley with Scarlett Lewis ~ Alan Pedersen moderates. Jesse McCord Lewis was one of the children killed at the Sandy Hook School shooting four years ago on December 14, 2012. He wrote a message on a chalk- board at his home a few days before the shootings. It read, “Norurting, heling, love.” His mother, Scarlett, took this as a sign that her work would be partly a goal of forgiving. She recognized that the person who did the shooting must have been in a great deal of pain. Her ability to continue was to look to others that are further down the road to find hope… In grief, we take one little step at a time…we can be broken and whole…but it takes a lot of work to find hope again. A question asked ~ Does the choose love formula work for everyone, in every circumstance? We have to work through all our anger and when we make the choice to forgive there are benefits ~ you’re not giving away your power. Learn more on Scarlett’s website With the holidays in front of us, we can focus on just one thing to be grateful for. Sometimes we develop new friendships, sometimes we connect with others, and we try to remember to be inclusive to everybody.

Oh Brad, You are so right when you say that we are living in a culture that does not know how to deal with death. Someone who addresses this perfectly (I think) is Francis Weller. He has written a book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief. I have read and recommended this book to many people who also believe that we do not know how to deal with death in our culture. Anne

The Way of Meditation ~ the four qualities of love. . . http://www.thewayofmeditation.com.au/blog/the-four-qualities-of-love/

This is an article that helped me and is meaningful today ~ from Megan Devine The Grieving Introvert and the Holidays. . . http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/holidays-grief_b_4346410.html?

This always brings tears to my eyes.