enna

Of course, you have a right to be angry. Your feelings are yours and that is OK. I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I am so glad you are not blaming yourself. Your friend may very well be busy and that does not mean you have done anything to cause her lack of attendance to you. I hope you get a phone call soon. One thing you will find when you come here is that there are very caring people here who understand.

Listening to some of my favorite songs by Alan Pedersen as I remember my three siblings who have died (all from cancer) and are spending their time with my mama and dad. I believe that love will bring us back together one day. It is important to me to talk about those I love who are no longer with me in the physical sense.

doing my coloring eating chocolate visiting with friends meditating walking reading pinning on Pinterest creating videos listening to music getting a massage working in my yard cooking

Here is the updated video. . .

I love that quote, Steve.

A wish for 2017 by a friend. . .

Moving Forward in 2017. . . http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/moving-forward-into-2017-four-resolutions-if-you-are_us_58668a87e4b068764965c13c?utm_hp_ref=grief

There is an updated video below. Enjoy the song and add your precious pet if you wish.

May there be peace on earth. . .an article from Elaine Mansfield ~ someone I admire. http://elainemansfield.com/2016/may-peace-earth/

The solitude that follows the death of a spouse. . . https://themighty.com/2016/12/loneliness-after-losing-a-spouse/

Hi Finch, I am sorry you had trouble signing up for the FREE eCourse “Coping with Grief During the Holidays” This might help: When you go to the site click on add to cart – it’s FREE On the upper right side it will direct you to go to: check out – click on it You have to fill out the Billing Details – it is FREE – and you will need to add a password (you can always delete this if you wish to) Click on: Place your order – again it is FREE The eCourse will be sent to your email address I hope this works for you. Anne

Hope After Loss

Kay, keeping you in thought and prayers for Arlie's situation right now. My wish for him is that the cellophane leaves him body soon.

Hey, Steve, from all of us minions to you. May your day be filled with joy and cake.

What we need people to know about grief during the holiday. http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-grieving-people-wish-you-knew-at-christmas

Thank you, Maryann. And I take all the hugs I can get. Kay, I think both you and I know the value of this forum. I was so happy to hear that your daughter is expecting and that you had time with your son when he visited this last time. I have tried to keep myself busy as I learn to live this new life. The certification I have as a death doula is volunteer only. There are three stages to go through and the third stage is for those who are making it a career. I did not take the third part for it required a full time paid job working with organizations. My part is very limited in that if I become aware of someone who is near death and they or their family want someone to be with them then I will visit the family and let them know I will be available. I have not branched outside of the community I live in but I am hoping to visit some nearby assisted living facilities in 2017. At least that is my intention.

Today would be my 44th year wedding anniversary. I miss my Jim. As in years past we would be enjoying a quiet dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. I had so many celebrations during the month of December and the one I treasured most was always our wedding anniversary. It was ours to celebrate. I never understood the love Jim had for me. He told me so many times that I was the miracle in his life. I made his life complete. We were not perfect in our years together but we always felt a comfort in knowing that we would be there for one another ~ no matter what. We came from a generation that talked out our differences. We did not always agree but we managed to find a common ground. I always felt comfort in his presence. Today is my fifth wedding anniversary since he died. There have been times when I felt his presence as I struggled to live without his physicality in my life. He has a new grandchild. I have taken on a new part-time career as a certified death doula ~ quite different from my decades of teaching. I am a certified Hospice of America volunteer. There are many memories flooding my soul today. I still talk to Jim and ask him to guide me in decisions I make. I don’t tell too many people this for we are so judgmental in our understanding of death and what happens after we take our last breath. I think Jim would be proud of what I have done these past five years. He knows how hard it has been for me to carry on without him by my side. Acceptance of his death did not come without work. It takes work to live without your soul mate. There have been days that I didn’t think I could take another breath. The death of my Jim was almost more than I could bear. I learned to sit with my grief and allow all the feelings to come and go. I learned about what is normal in grief by reading everything I could find. I learned to dose my grief because if I didn’t I would surely have died from the unimaginable pain that swept over me. I also know that I will grieve for Jim until I take my last breath but it does not mean that I can’t be grateful for what I still have. It’s a choice we make.

BY KELLY BUCKLEY / TIPS FOR PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION / DECEMBER 17, 2015 The Empty Place Setting– Dealing with Loss During the Holidays To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven. ~ Johannes A. Gaertner The table is set, but something is missing. He is missing; my beautiful son Stephen. Each year, I feel the same sense of melancholy as the holidays approach. It sits gently beneath the surface of my smile and coexists with the smells of the season wafting from the kitchen. Family gatherings and special occasions shine a bright light on the new reality of the bereaved. They illuminate that empty place setting at our table. [10 Ways to Comfort a Grieving Heart] It becomes painfully apparent when someone asks us to all scrunch together for a family picture. Because, no matter how bright my smile, I can’t help but feel this is not right; we are taking this picture without someone very important. It hurts, and that is the simple stark truth of loss. No matter how many years pass, his absence becomes no less profound. And the holidays magnify the loss. At moments it is overwhelming, and my sadness feels as deep as the ocean. That doesn’t mean we don’t have a happy life. We do; we have moments of bliss, and belly laughs and complete joy. We are surrounded by beautiful people, and a multitude of blessings. As a family, we’ve worked hard to get here, to be able to live with the quiet grief and make peace with the balance of happy and sad that is our daily walk. But there it is…the chair where he should be sitting; the empty place at our table of bounty, and it can’t be changed. [5 Tips to Help Someone With Dementia Enjoy the Holidays] What is the answer? How do you get through? Here’s how our family decided to cope with the empty place setting: The Empty Chair: We try to fill the empty chair with someone who needs the measure of love that we have available to give. There is always someone out there who needs some tenderness and care. You need not look very far to find them. The Empty Plate: On his empty plate, we heap on a hefty portion of acceptance. This acceptance is for each person sitting at our table and for whatever “broken bits” they bring to our gathering. All are welcome. We also send acceptance out to the world, and to the people who desperately need it. This seems to be in short supply as of late. As side dishes, we add: Remembrance: We talk about Stephen. We remember the funny stories and his quirky and adorable personality. We laugh about the colossal amounts of food he could consume at his slow and steady pace. We give ourselves the gift of remembrance, to not let the impact of his life stop at the time of his death. He lives on through us, how we choose to live and remember him. [5 Tips for Managing Your Time This Holiday Season] Gentle Care: The holidays are not only about the big meals and family. It is also about pressure to have everything just right, managing the once-a-year family obligations and conversations. An important side dish we avail of each year is gentle care. We take care of ourselves. We try, as best as we can, to take measures to ensure that the day is what we want it to be, not what people expect of us. We surround ourselves with good food, music, people and moments of solitude. We take care of our hearts. Go With the Flow Mentality: Sounds, smells, and tradition can bring up memories and in some cases, pain. Give yourself permission to go with the flow of the day, and move the day in a direction that is easy on your heart. That may mean not cooking the green bean casserole that reminds you so much of him. Or it may mean adding a new tradition to mix things up. Going with the flow means not fighting back the tears if they need to fall from your eyes. We accept that things are not quite the same, and we go wherever that takes us. [Read Maria Shriver’s latest ‘I’ve Been Thinking’ essay] And for dessert? Of course, it is Gratitude. And at our house, everyone eats dessert. We take a moment to look around at the people who are sitting at our table and give thanks for their presence in our lives. We close our eyes and give thanks for Stephen and his beautiful life’s ripple, and how it continues to touch others. We give thanks for our broken hearts, and how the trials of life molded us into more open and compassionate human beings. We give thanks for our “broken bits” and the opportunity to walk compassionately with others on their journey. We recognize that true spirit of the holidays is being able to find the little things that bless us within the mess. Sending you and yours love and wishes for an abundance of “little things” this holiday season and always…

Wonderful news about another grandchild, Kay. I wish only good news for your daughter and hope that the insurance situation is cleared up. I'm really glad your son got there to take the truck. I know you are having some snowy/cold weather up there. Stay safe.

Here's another article by What's Your Grief. . . Grief and The Fear of Letting Go In the beginning, grief is a fog; a thick, dense, and never ending barrier between you and the world as you once knew it. At one point you figured it would lift, as fog tends to do, but after days and then weeks spent under its heavy cloak, you begin to wonder if it’s become a part of your everyday life. In those moments, you might have thought, “All I want is to feel better,” because you want to feel normal, whatever that may mean to you. Yet the simplicity of a ‘normal’ existence seems unfathomable. Impossible even. Then one day you look around and realize you can see a little further in front of you, things are more colorful, and they’re coming into clarity. The days start getting a little bit easier, the nights a little more restful. The tears come a little less and things like laughter, joy, and gratitude are once again a part of your emotional repertoire. The smallest sliver of light cuts into the dark and you realize that this must be what ‘healing from grief’ looks like. You also realize that progress doesn’t feel as sweet as you imagined. Grief is funny, you know? You desperately want it to go away, except for sometimes when you don’t want it to go away. Over the course of time, it seems, love has gotten all mixed up with pain and grief. You realize your pain has become the expression of love lost; the way you honor your loved one; the one consistent link between life with them and life without them; and an element of proof that their life left an indelible mark on those they leave behind. Apparently, while you were wishing the pain of grief away, it turned into something else entirely. Maybe, in some ways, grief has even come to define you in the context of life after loss. Who are you if you are not someone grieving the loss of someone very special? And who are they if you are not here, in life, holding vigil for them? If you are grappling with any of these thoughts or concerns, you are not the only one. These sorts of feelings come over many people and they might look a little something like this: These feelings are oh-so-common, I promise. It is common to feel extremely conflicted about feeling better and, although it may not seem rational, it is also common to gravitate towards the pain. When it feels like the alternative to feeling pain is losing connection to your loved one, what other choice do you have? So, what to do? What to do? I suspect that the answer to that question will be personal and specific to you, but here is what I suggest: Step one (and this is the biggest step): Remember, your loved one’s memory does not live in the pain of your grief. Then where does your loved one’s memory live? As cheesy as it sounds, your loved one’s memory lives in YOU. It lives in the stories that you tell people about your loved one. It lives in the memories you share together with friends and family. It lives in the things you do that your loved one taught you. It lives in the things you do in their honor and memory. It lives in every silly little thing you do to stay connected to them – from taking photographs, to listening to music they loved, to baking their favorite cake, to whatever other thing you do to continue bonds. Now, it is easy to see why this reality might be confusing because in the beginning many of the above things used to bring you a lot of pain. Things like music and photographs and reminders could easily spur an uncontrollable crying spell and endless hours on the couch eating Ben and Jerry’s. Reminders once equaled sad – so it isn’t a far leap to think if the pain starts to go away that these things mean less to you –> which means your loved one’s memory is disappearing –> which means your love for them is diminishing. But this is not what is happening – I promise. We as humans are capable of some amazing things, like resilience and adaptability. As time passes your brain learns to manage the emotional pain and, slowly but surely, you get a little more control over the memory. As you get further from your loss, the pain starts to ease just a bit. What you must realize, is not that your loved one is disappearing as your pain diminishes; rather, you are learning to live with the memory of your loved one in a different way. Step Two: Embrace the idea that as pain diminishes, you may actually find more space to continue bonds and to keep your loved one’s memory alive. Example: right after my dad died, if a CCR song came on the radio in the car I had to change the station immediately. It was too much, I was immediately crying hysterically and a safety hazard to myself and other drivers. Now when as CCR song comes on the radio, chances are I will sing along, do a ridiculous car-dance, and tell whoever is around how much the song reminds me of my dad. Step Three: Make a conscious decision to continue bonds. Your connection to your loved one can be part of your daily life, even as you move forward and find a ‘new normal’ (apologies to the folks I know hate that term!). So figure out what that looks like for you, and use these 16 ideas to get you started. You may be surprised to see that, as you find positive ways to continue bonds with the person you have lost, you can let go of more and more of the pain without fear that you are letting go of the person you love.

Something to remember as we work through our grief

I am praying for your sister, George. Please keep us updated.

Oh, Marg, I am so glad you found some of the links about how to get through the holidays under Tools for Healing on the main page of our forum. When we are in early grief we do not even think of most of the threads here. This will be my fifth year without my Jim and I am trying to live life without him. It is more manageable than in those first few years. It will never be as it used to be but it doesn’t mean we can’t choose to accept how things are now. Marty has an extensive list of readings that I have been taking advantage of for several years now. I search for things that might help me get through the holidays and the rest of the days without my Jim and her Grief Healing Blog at the top of the main page has a wealth of solid information to help us. Grief is hard work and will continue to be until we take our last breaths.

ABOUT "BOREDOM" ~ It's so hard to have to stay put after any surgery. I spend time reading, coloring and working puzzles.