KATPILOT

Rambling isn't going nowhere Brad. You still touch upon a lot of points as you go. When I was walking in the wrong direction once, someone told me I was doing that. I asked them if the world was round, then I told them I'll get there. I think there will always be times when we will still need to be alone in our grief. Throwing everything into attacking grief is a tough task. It's a monster who eventually gets bored with you and disrupts your life less and less. Joyce, the magic words are "one day". Grief is a journey. I said before it's also an adventure. We change and adapt and one day we realize we are not the same as when we started. You understand what it means to try and hold onto the future while not forcing it. You still get there.

Sometimes you have a job to do which just can't include crying in front of your customers. It may take some time for certain but you kind of get forced to keep it together and fake a smile. I wonder about airline pilots. I wonder if they were to stay off the job for a year or two or maybe three. Or! Were they okay to fly? I'll bet somewhere on some flight people were greeted by the captain having no idea his bride died recently. If his first officer asked how he was doing........well, you get my point. Sometimes we just have to learn to suck it up and do our jobs. I was fortunate enough not to have to do that. I was able to surround myself with people who cared and allowed me to come unglued. I also know I stayed out of the cockpit for several months because it wasn't my lively hood. Makes you wonder when a surgeon can go back to work. I sure would have lost my job by then because I just didn't have that kind of strength. I worried about just being safe driving a car. Then I learned how to drive and cry at the same time (multi tasking). You just get better at your own pace being able to hold it together and oh yes, fake it.

In a perfect world.

A little of both. It depends on the group. I thought at first that I could not hide my feelings. I felt I needed to show who I was and perhaps I didn't have the strength to hide behind a made up smile. I learned how when I saw the reactions of certain people as the months passed by. One of the worst things people can do is judge someone's love by how much they cry. That is a very flawed assessment.

Brad I'm glad you are at a point where those pictures on your walls bring more joy than tears. I have started to ad new photographs of my life after Kathy and they are mixed in among the others. I like it because "the beat goes on". Kathy would like it because I keep living. Happy Easter buddy and everyone here who celebrates this day.

Mitch I still call my house sometimes when I'm on a trip just to listen to her voice answer the phone. Nice to have isn't it? Oh yes the pictures! One day that video won't break your heart even if it tugs at it a bit. Finding Kathy's baby book her mom kept got me too. Seeing and touching a lock of her first hair cut................ yah, sweet and painful at the same time. I wonder sometimes if Kathy could ever have imagined how important those things would mean to me one day.

Of course this was always going to be a really lousy time hollowheart. When I was new to this journey, I noticed too how people would see me laugh or smile and think I was over it. If they just wanted to feel better having me join them at being over Kathy as they were, or whatever the reason, I just let them think what they would. Those around me who "get it" knew better. I've said often that there will come a day that you smile more than you cry but that doesn't mean you're over it. Not by a long shot! You just smiled. That's all. You are just reading page fifty seven in a book that never ends.

Mitch it so great to hear you mention helping others. You have been through a year so you've learned enough to help the next one survive. You still live in pain. You still miss Tammy but you are discovering new things all the time which will help someone else. Imagine what you'll know, tomorrow.

Today is Easter and it would have been another enjoyable holiday with my wife preparing to entertain as family came into town. Now it reminds me of how when the weekends come, the distractions of life leave and realization enters. Yes that is when being without her comes on strong. I remembered that it is almost always like that now, for me at least. I was watching a movie and a David Bowie song ran with the credits. A line went "My heart's in the basement and my weekends at an all time low". I had to smile cause it could be my slogan or perhaps a bumper sticker would be best. I wonder sometimes if I don't seek distractions to avoid the sorrow, that I keep working not to retire so I have five days off from grieving. Uh oh ! Could it be a defense mechanism? I try to avoid those damn things.

Mitch can I just tell you that if you don't want those memories to fade, then they won't ? I think you have a good outlook for someone a year along this journey. You don't dwell on fitting in and you are not jealous of others with happy lives. That actually is a good thing because you concentrate on loving Tammy and that is where you do fit in. You fit in right here and you'll fit in other places as time goes by. I must admit that after a year I too worried that I would forget the face, or the voice, or the touch and the smell. As it turns out, I just remember her differently because the smell or touch isn't one that lingers but in my heart and soul I can still feel her touch and smell her hair. It changes but it stays with you. Just as long as you want it to. After five years, it's just like she never left and yet she's been gone for a long, long time.

Great way to see it Gwen. There is some comfort when viewing it from that perspective.

Brad I'm sorry it had to trigger tears but still how very wonderful it is to find those little bits of her. I think one day you will find greater joy when you run your hands over them. I did when my discoveries were made. It softens in time and becomes more sweet to have them.

Yesterday a friend of mine told me about his ladies cousin. As he knew that I had spread ashes in my airplane twice, he wondered how this could have happened. The cousin had lost her husband and wanted to have his ashes spread over the Columbia River in Oregon. A friend of the woman owned a vintage WWII era training plane and offered to take her to do that. Last Wednesday the flight crashed into the river killing them both. What makes sense here? Or do we even need to wonder? I have written some things about fate and I understand that we have different views on that but that's okay. We all have to follow what is right for ourselves and we don't judge each other for our belief's. My dad would sometimes say "Do you want to hear a story sadder than death itself?" He had a funny way with words and I would think "dad, what could be sadder than death?" This would have been one of those stories.

That's the point Brad. If Deedo hadn't endured the hell she was going through then your paths would never have crossed. Generally I agree that it's wise to never say never but I knew I would "never" have cheated on my wife and I bet you could say the same thing. There are few but certain "nevers". Of course I am working on my sixth year and it is easy for me to say this. You are right that others will say they will never have another relationship and then later all that changes. There is some truth that there is not just one person who's right for you. In my case I can honestly say that I am so in love with that woman and weather I can't or don't, that just ain't gonna happen. When grief eases as it certainly will, you become open to other things even if you still have the love. When grief eases and you find contentment, and you are still in love, it becomes something quite different.

Just wanted to share an encounter I had. I planned to go out last night to celebrate Kathy's birthday and my sister was going to join me. I thought for weeks where I would go and I decided on a spot my wife and I had been before but as I was getting ready, a thought just jumped into my mind. It was a place she liked very much and I hadn't thought about it for a long time. I made a call hoping we could get in doubtful about the chance yet we were able to and I changed direction. The night was magical, full of memories and I knew it was her that put the thought in my mind. I had no doubt that she wanted us to go there. Those little signs are out there, often quite subtle, but if you keep your mind open, they will be there for you

If you are a 'Fatalist' Maryann (as in you believe and accept fate), as I am, you have no doubts about meeting someone accidentally. You were meant to meet. Even knowing what was going to happen seventeen years after I met Kathy, I would never have changed a thing either. That rare cancer that Kathy developed of which there were only eighteen cases in the US that year just happen to get her. The Mayo's definition was "of an unknown type". So as fate would have it!, "couldn't have seen that coming". Even though I go through such anguish at times, I wouldn't have changed a thing for nothing would have affected the outcome. As you mentioned about meeting sooner? Well perhaps none of us were ready to do that. Perhaps we had become just the right person for each other by changes that we went through in life. Months earlier we may have just walked right by without ever meeting , certainly not connecting. Did you ever think it was magic? I think about that all the time. Even though I am but half the man I thought I would be, I'm twice the man I was before we met.

Indeed!

You will Hope. You will see her face again and remember this day that you are never abandoned. Bad things just happen to good people.

I had planned going out to dinner last night to celebrate Kathy's birthday. I have always gone alone but this year because Easter is this weekend, my sister came up and we went together to one of Kathy's favorite places. We spent the evening talking and remembering the wonderful person she was and still is. Some people still work there who knew Kathy and they sent over a birthday desert cake. I really can't describe the feeling. It was just incredibly perfect. To be able to share memories with others who knew her is so special now. I never thought I would be able to do this. I wanted to share this picture of Kathy's last birthday at her favorite place on the planet. I was wearing the same pants last night but they are a lot tighter now! I believe birthdays are a big, big way to honor our loved one's. We did so when they were alive so what better honor than to do so now?

It is a scary place to be for sure. Amazing story Kayc. They were watched over for sure. It's hard enough when family is in this country and reachable but overseas is a tough one. I hope for their safety. Marty I know you live with concern too.

Actually it might not be the greatest film but I absolutely love it. I first saw it long ago and didn't think much of it. After Kathy died, it became so much more powerful. I think that's just because I became such an emotional vegetable. I even said "You must be nuts to do this to yourself". I think it has something to do with the fact that I would go through hell to find her. Then after Robin Williams died as he did, my first thoughts were about his wife.

Exactly! The first years are unsettling at best. You can't be certain of anything and you begin to trust nothing. How can you when the one you love dies with no control over it? I went from having a pretty good grip on things to being incredibly insecure and I mean about everything. What you said TH about getting from one end of the day to the other with as few mishaps as possible would be a good day. I'm still not that cocky guy who had a plan for every contingency. I think we all have found ourselves wondering what's next.

Mitch I have believed that Tammy was with you since you first spoke of those happenings in your home when you first joined us. Perhaps because your experiences somewhat mirrored mine and I am a firm believer as so many things happened that there could be no doubt. It's nice to see people talk about this issue because it is so common and yet downplayed for social reasons. For me, low voltage was an easy thing for Kathy to manipulate. I had to smile about the radio Polly because I had some similar experiences like when she locked the car with the keys inside in our garage and set of the alarm in the wee hours. I could only laugh because by then so many other things had happened. Over the last five years I have come to understand something about those visits. They sometimes stop often for months and I was left feeling quite empty and alone. It was like I started grieving for real because she had been there from the first day. Then she was gone and it hit home that she really was dead and even gone forever. The thing is that she comes back. Perhaps not as frequently but I believe she has other things to do. She has other places to go that might be some other place in the universe. I can't know and I've had to let that go. Just be aware that those visits might end and then return. The afterlife is a puzzle we can never solve till we get there. But they know the secret and they have all the time in the world. What might seem like months to us could be only hours for them.

Just writing here gives us all some form of release. Release of emotions or perhaps even validation makes us feel better. When our writing interacts with others, it makes it better still. I have discovered that reading many of the posts you all have made here and on so many other threads that I see writing so good and it comes from the heart. Finding documentation, quotes, illustrations and such is the basic foundation of a serious writer and that is someone who reaches others. It is a writer who targets the reader even if they don't think of that which makes it such a good read. You all are inspiring and this place is awesome.

Polly and Patty welcome to you both. When I couldn't sleep early on this grief's journey, I could come here and read and it helped a lot. You can go so far back in early posts and recognize similar behavior and experiences and you will come to realize that you are not alone. Never ever all alone. Your pain is shared and many of the veterans can help with suggestions. I am so sorry for why you are here but glad you found your way. Always remember........."one day at a time".