KATPILOT

kayc it sounds like your son is a remarkable young man and I bet you are proud of him. You'll have to tell him that I have a Garmin 530 WAAS in my airplane. Awesome device even if it took me the last six years to learn all it's functions. I don't know about all of you but as I age, technology becomes increasingly hard to grasp and I still have to have my sons help me learn how to use new devices. I can't even figure out the programing of my new coffee maker. Can't I just get something with an on-off switch? Why do I need so much programing just to watch something on tv?

Debi, I still have some things exactly as she left them including her robe hooked on the bathroom door. I know they are just objects yet I feel a warmth when I hug Bear and wear her robe. They are both so soft and warm. You know I was reminded of my own cleaning ladies. When I had to tell them she had died, they began crying and then I lost it too. They were fond of her as anyone who knew her was. They dust Kathy's urn in my bedroom and add water to the flowers. I almost am never home when they come, but they take such care of my little house. I just love them. The daughter had a baby girl who I gave a baby blanket Kathy had knitted. I know Kathy would have done it as she made blankets for my grandchildren when they were born. There is a song called "Here With Me" by Dido on the album "No Angel" If you look it up on songlyrics.com you will find the words that speak to what we often feel at first. I found this song was on Kathy's IPOD after she was gone and we both used to like it. Quite powerful. When you move, it will be a bit hard. I understand that yet it isn't real soon and you will be stronger. The things of his that you choose to keep for all time will start to make themselves clear. There are some things in my home I never shall part with. Some things have gone to help others. Some showed themselves to be meaningless and were discarded over the years. Her sewing and quilting room still contains so much. There are fabrics and yarn in drawers from floor to ceiling. Fat quarters of biblical proportions. I donate them to ladies who make things for charity so one day it will be gone. You just know when and what. You just know what means the most to you. When the time comes to sort his precious things, your son and you will very likely find that some of them are now Your precious things.

That is such an incredible story debi. and heartwarming to say the least. There is a dog to keep in the family for what stories he can tell. The story of Kathy's bear is that she was given a mink when she was older but Kathy had a thing about animals and furs were not something she ever wanted to have. her mother then had it turned into the bear and Kathy kept it for her mom's sake. While she never cuddled with that bear, she kept it for many years through all her travels and moves. The bear and I call him "Bear", sat in our house privy to our lives and words, quietly taking it in. After Kathy was gone and soon after her mom as well, I kept that bear on my bed often lying with my head against it. It was like a piece of Kathy and the softest piece I could have. I'm glad I have him and take great care of him. It sounds funny and I know a bit silly yet Kathy just loved "Toy Story", and so did I. You never look at a stuffed animal the same again. I wanted to say about the bed covering. Early on my grief's journey, I never wanted to change a thing in my home. I didn't want to lose the memory if I moved anything. I needed it to stay exactly as it was for she decorated well. Things wear out. You are forced to do something when it happens. The first change I ever made was the bed. I did it though and recognized it as something I did for "myself". Sometimes you have to do something good for yourself at least once a day or once a week or once a month. But you have to. And, when I did it I realized that I was not just one person going out and changing his bedding. I was two people. I had been changed by years of living with and loving that beautiful person. Our tastes became the same. She never made a change without being certain we both liked it. So when I did it, I felt damn good. I looked at the bed and I was tickled. I think Kathy was too. That was the start of my being able to move forward. You can let go and still hold on if that makes any sense. Brad, when I look at your bedding, I can almost hear the wind through the pines.

For what it's worth debi, I was told last Friday by the medium I saw that when we are in our worst anguish, they have the hardest time getting through. She told me this after she greeted me and noticed an inner peace in me that was not there the last appointment I had well over a year ago. I have spoken of here in a thread "When we realize who we have become" that I had grown to understand that I have accepted being just Steve instead of Steve and Kathy that I could live with the sorrow and continue living on. It was but two days after I wrote that that I had that first physical contact with Kathy. I believe it was what allowed her to do it. I want to share my thoughts on something else. Kathy was not a religious person yet she was the most loving caring soul I have ever known. We both however believe in an after life and quite strongly I might ad. We had time to talk in depth before she left and she promised me that if she possibly could, she would reach me. From the morning she died, she did just that. She is a very strong soul, a very strong spirit and the girl knows how to get things done. It wasn't until I accepted my life finding an inner peace with my grief that she was able to make a physical touch happen. I don't know if I will ever feel it again. I take nothing for granted and I won't beg her to stay. I also believe it is not easy for them to manifest in a physical way. I got the message. That's the most important part and weather or not we connect again, she knows by now I love her still and we'll meet up again one day. For now I will enjoy what time I have left and not waste it for life is short and the after life is like our love.....endless.

I figured as much. I keep Kathy's bear on my bed too. Her mom had made it for her years ago and it has her initials KAT on it's foot. My wife was Katherine Alice Thomas so the initials KAT which is why I am KATPILOT. All her friends called her Kat and I ended up flying her for the years we were together.

Brad, does Wakey Dog sleep on your bed?

Brad I know it's hard and the hole is deep. It wouldn't be so hard if you didn't love her so much. When I was where you are now on this grief's journey, I felt much the same and somehow I kept going on. Come to think of it, I don't even know how I survived, but one day at a time it just happened . All those memories of her last days haunted me too. It eases a little with time. One day you will find the hole filled itself. It fills itself with you. You are her. Your life together made you as one. Slowly you start to recognize that she is a part of you and you begin to live again. What I mean is that the hole begins to seem smaller. and then you honor her by living on. Not easy to accept right now I know, but it's still the truth. Debi, it's a hole right now but one day you will be able to touch the sides and peak out over the top. You guys, all of you guys, are in a horrible place so new and raw. My heart goes out to you because I still feel it too. I'm just further down the road.

Grief does things like that to us Butch. It makes you think your going crazy and sometimes those are the good days. When I look back at things I wrote years ago when I was new to this site, I wonder how I ever made it this far. But I did get this far. One day, trust me, it will be better. Tools you pick up on he way and time in itself will get you to that better place. I'm sorry for the anguish you are feeling now but you are not alone. Believe me, you are NOT alone. There are hugs all over this place, and they are yours to feel.

Oh this is so hard redwendy. Your journey is just beginning and I can not tell you at all what to expect. I can say that you found the right place where you can find comfort and compassion as you travel along this sad and difficult path. Lot's of warm caring people here.

This odyssey which I call my life becomes more interesting all the time. I had the appointment with the medium I have been seeing and it was one of those times when I felt truly connected. It doesn't always happen. One thing that I was told is that Kathy was saying the name Karen and Rich. This seemed interesting to me because I have a widowed friend named Karen who's husband is named Rich and had died four years ago. I was told that Kathy was with him and he wanted Karen to know that he was okay. I have learned over the last few years to believe in what I am told and I have no doubt about it. I'm usually in too emotional a state when I leave the appointment and even though I wasn't this time, I still felt compelled to go home and not back to work. When I walked in the door, the ceiling fan was running and as I have spoken before, it is just one of the many low voltage things Kathy activates from time to time. This one hadn't happened for months but there it was turning letting me know that , yes. she was there. I was also told that Kathy was mentioning the name Allison. I have a granddaughter with the name so I thought she was speaking of her. The next day, Saturday, I found out it was someone else. This is where the story gets good. On a whim, I decided to join my son and grandson for a trip from Phoenix to Tucson to visit a favorite air museum of ours. As we were driving back, about half way, we came upon a very small pink trailer pulled by a pink car. My son and I immediately knew what we were looking at. It was the rig driven by one of the blog writers for "Widow's Voice". This woman bought this set up after her Air Force husband died and she travels around the entire country often staying on military bases. She became like a mentor to me because she had courage to keep going on and has inspired me to do the same. I just posted one of her blogs on my facebook last week and there she was. Her name is Alison. What were the odds I would pass her out of all the cars in the country? So you see, this is an odyssey. This wonderful life I am living even when I still feel so sad at times. When my medium told me Kathy is saying something about diabetic, I don't discount it. After all that baking I've been doing over the last four years.................my sugar intake has quadrupled. I'll let you know what I find out.

Harleyquinn if a medium is good, the wait is caused by reputation. I had to wait four months for my first meeting which lucky for me was shortened by being on a cancelation list. It's worth it and, if you make an appointment for another one at the appointment in Feb, you can get in sooner. If you decide not to pursue it, you can always cancel later. I have an appointment tomorrow myself because I was compelled by an incident that happened a few months ago. I can't say that anything might come of it because frankly sometimes Kathy just isn't there and we both know it. Even still, I get a lot out of going because Melinda (her name) is almost like a counselor to me and I get a lot of insight to tools I use to help me get further down this path of grief that I travel. Sometimes though when Kathy is there it becomes quite a powerful an experience. I remember once when I had an appointment and when I was in the waiting room, she came out to get me and was quite upset. She told me she had to tell me something because Kathy was there right now. She said that she didn't want to tell me but she had to. She told me that Kathy's dad was dying. I knew he was already because he called me from Canada months earlier to tell me he had been suffering with leukemia but had not wanted anyone to know but it looked like he was not going to survive it. I was also told that he needed to hear that Kathy and her mother were waiting on the other side. I went up a week later and he was in the hospital, I told him what I needed to say and he just held my hand and said "I know". That was the last time I saw him alive and went back up two weeks later for the funeral. I really miss him now because he was always so kind to me and after his passing I thought how he was the lucky one. My day is possibly a long time coming.

I have read of many grieving souls needing to remove things right away as if it would ease their pain not to see them. I can almost understand what drives that behavior but it isn't the most thought out plan. We all deal with grief in different ways and our grief is all very different. The sad part is that you can't undo the distribution of things once it's done and that can come back to haunt you. My feeling is that it would be wise to get some of those things that you would as you say might be lost to you. I know it's hard and seems so early yet if he does it, you might have wished you had. I hope you can find the strength to go over there awkward as it may be. This is just one function in grief that you will go through and I'm sorry for your loss. Please try to understand that it is certainly not greed that would make you do it.

No kidding kayc. What a beautiful gift TC when you need it the most. They often find you.

Brad I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you found this site. The story book thing? I so get that. I sometimes think if it wasn't for HOV I would never have made it. The individual counseling did in fact save my life and the group meetings were important as well. Sometimes when you feel the pain of others, it eases your own. Can't quite explain why. I hope you read the book for the newly grieving. It offers much to help as the first year goes along. You can't love someone as deeply as you do without the devastating pain of this loss. I know you have seen this in the publications of HOV but it is stuck on my fridge and has been there for the last four years and nine months. "It will never be the same. I will never be the same. You came. We loved. You left. I will survive until I survive And one day I will find Myself alive again. I can tell you that today I do feel alive again. I can also tell you that there are days when I still cry. It never truly ends but neither does the love. The love I have for my bride has only grown stronger and will remain forever and it happened one day at a time! There is a "Light Up Your Life" event in November. Consider attending because it is a most beautiful event and if you find it hard to go alone, I would be more than happy to take you. Stephen

Butch! I think you should sing. She's listening. Good song. I see why it's special.

I see that Friday will be your first demark Kristine so I hope if your day is a difficult one that you will come here to find sanctuary. I am sorry you have to be part of this club but you have found a good place to dwell. It's funny but I still wake every morning with the thought in my mind that she's gone. It never goes away really even if I make it through my days with fewer tears. For what it's worth scba, you can live a productive life and even find joy without "letting him go". I was told that in my first year by more than one person. I even was told that I was keeping my bride from moving on. Like I was keeping her from "going into the light" ? Poppycock!! That's the most absurd thing I had ever heard. It was like I should have guilt laid on me too? You just have to take one day at a time letting your love direct you. I am going on five years and I find myself still alive, doing more all the time and I haven't let go of her. Why would that ever be required? You have that right kayc. You can't go around grieving unless you have a powerful defense mechanism going. It does indeed find you one day. The longer it takes for it to find you, the harder the crash. I like the way you put it about about this path as a rich experience. It is indeed. No one wants to go there, but if we find ourselves on this path of life alone, we owe it to them to keep walking. Imagine what we'll find tomorrow? I wonder sometimes what Kathy wants me to discover.

I thought I would write to describe this odyssey I am living. I got back much the same as I left but not without a deeper understanding of who I am becoming. Now traveling to Maui is quite different when you are alone. You find yourself surrounded by couples off on a romantic trip (hopefully) and you remember what it was like the last time you went. I was much the same as they were, heading off to paradise. Now when I look at them, I feel their joy. I embrace their love for each other as if it was my own for you see, love is the key. It draws me to them as if it was a good book, or a great movie. It warms my heart to see them when the world is so very dark right now. Love seems to shine on among the anger and hate. In this tropic paradise, all that, is left behind. I use to feel bad when I would see couples hand in hand. It reminded me of what I once had, and miss so very much. But then as time went on, I came to understand that it wasn't the touch of someone, or the companionship filled with conversation. It was just simply her. She is the one I can never replace with another companion, or the physical touch or sex or anything else. Just her. That's all. The part that warms my heart still is that I have that piece of her inside me for all of time. When I see those couples, I don't feel so alone. Inside me she still resides. When I speak of my life as an odyssey, I refer to how charmed I am. I can walk down a street in Lahaina and feel some urge to walk into a store where I will find a shirt with the style she would have had me wear. I'd been looking for such shirts as the ones she bought me are beginning to wear out some five years later and there they were. The lady told me I should try it on since I haven't even a clue what size I wear. I haven't shopped for seventeen years. As I stepped into a changing room, a favorite song of ours started playing which was so out of line with the Hawaiian music playing when I first walked in. It was "I need you now" by Lady Antebellum. I lost it in the changing room and it took a few minutes but how aware I was that she was with me right then. It's okay, she does that. I bought five shirts if you can believe that and I felt so damn happy. Later that night I went to eat at a restaurant for my anniversary. Yes it was happy-sad but it was still my anniversary and I am getting quite good at eating by myself. I bought a bottle of her favorite wine and they corked it for me so I enjoyed it in my room for days. You know, it can be a little hard watching those glorious sunsets from your balcony when you are the one remaining, but It's still pretty. If you look hard enough, you can see past the tears and embrace the love you still own. When I got on the plane I thought about the last I time I left to go back five years ago. I hated leaving. I wanted to stay in paradise forever. This time, I couldn't wait to get back to my little house and into my own bed. I fulfilled my promise to her that I would go back. Now I will look to new adventures knowing as I travel that I will never truly be alone.

Christmas has got to be one of the worst holidays to get through. Unlike birthdays, Valentines Day or anniversaries, the holiday season goes on for weeks. It's a season full of land mines we laid over so many years just waiting for us to hit them. The first one is the hardest. For me this next one will be my fifth and I can see it will be a lot easier than the first. My wife and I lived alone and we did Christmas big time. For me it was always my most special time of the year and she joined in on that being my birthday was at the same time. What helped me get through it was knowing she was seeing it with me. Putting up the lights, decorating the house and doing the tree was just about the saddest experience of my early grief's journey. But I felt her presence. My wife was 51 and debi, 49 is so wrong too. I only hope you can find a little joy with your son in celebrating the holiday. It will get better. Only time can help with that. As the season draws near, read what others have to say and hold close the support you will find here. For what it's worth, I still put up her stocking and fill it with goodies she and I would have shared together. We had a passion for Godiva truffles. After I decorated the house that first year, I stood across the street and asked her how it looked. I still do that and my grandchildren like it too.

I'm on another trip. This one is for what will be my 17th anniversary though the last four years have been a lot more lonely than before. I made a promise to Kathy that I would return to her favorite place so I'm sitting here on Maui, one of her most favorite places on earth. It took a while to make good on that promise as I was taking care of my step mom till last January. Yet here I am "Braving Forward" as I say. But this one I wasn't so sure of. Those land minds I've mentioned, ....for me, Kathy and I laid a boat load here. I've been stepping on them ever since I got on the plane. For one, the plane is full of couples. It's what they do when they are in love and traveling together to paradise. You speak to people who query if you are traveling for business and you make the small talk avoiding the truth cause why share it. I even had a thought of avoiding bringing a sadness to their happy trip. Even if I say I'm happy cause I still enjoy celebrating it, you have to mention the "W" word and then try to bring them up to speed so you don't leave them bummed out. Better to say I'm traveling on business, thinking about buying the island. Then you get here, you check in, you work your way to the room dodging couples walking hand in hand, and when you get to the room, drop your bags, look out at the ocean, and ask yourself with all the emotion you kept inside for the last several hours, "What the hell am I doing?" Then you remember the promise. You remember what happens on Tuesday when you celebrate the day she chose to spend the rest of her life with you, and you know? It goes away. This feeling I can't even describe takes over and I am simply put, still so very much in love. Crazy as it sounds, I hate who I am yet love who I am. I wouldn't have it any other way. I honor her doing things. I'm going out sailing tomorrow on a cocktail cruise which is so unlike me. It just hit me walking down the sidewalk. I think she put the bloody idea in my head because she was always so spontaneous. So what it all means is doing things without letting the fear stop you. It's hard for certain, damn hard, but the reward is you know in the deepest place in your heart, she's smiling. And that, brings a smile from me. By the way, the picture you see on my profile was taken right here on the road to Hanna six years ago, just fourteen months before she left.

Last month I had a most incredible event. I went to bed as usual about 9:30. I always sleep on my side facing my bedroom closet. I was wakened by a pressure on my back as if someone was lying up against me. Lying in the dark awake, my eyes wide open , the pressure became stronger and then included my shoulder and then on my cheek. I knew it was Kathy because I never forget how it felt when she was up against me. I know skin to skin contact, believe me. Then on my cheek I felt pressure and a wetness as if she was crying. I spoke out to her asking what was wrong. I turned the light on at my nightstand when I no longer felt her on me and got out of bed unable to sleep for the remainder of the night. My cheek was dry, but what I felt was wet and I know I was bloody awake. I can't explain but I know it was real. It took a lot for her to do this thing. I made an appointment with the medium I see from time to time but it can't happen till the fifth of October and frankly I'm not really seeking answers. If something comes of it then so be it. When talking with a friend who is also widowed and has had a few such encounters of her own, I mentioned how concerned I was that Kathy was crying. She enlightened me about what happens when you see someone you love after a long absence. She asked "Could it be that they were tears of joy?" I think that made a lot of sense.

I have met with a medium several times here I the Phoenix area over the last four years. I can tell you that I was a doubter before I met a couple who had lost their son. They had met with a medium and what I heard from them left me curious. Since so many events kept happening in my home after I lost my wife, I was compelled to seek her out. I can only say that I have no doubts now. I heard things coming from the medium that no one but my wife and I knew. It was the kind of event that had the hair sticking up on the back of my neck. If one is looking for a transmitter to speak with the departed, they might be disappointed. You take it for what it's worth.

I had a similar experience in how my koi pond all but died off. The water hyacinth died, the other plants too save for a couple of lilies. I tried to nurse it back to health but it's just not the same. It's almost like color disappeared in our yard where we spent so many years just sitting and watching sharing a bottle of wine. It was like a sanctuary. No matter how hard I try these last few years, it just seems lost forever. Something left with her. I know what you mean kayc.

I believe that when you have experienced such a deep loss as we all have, you feel the anguish every time you see someone else be hurt like this. Every time I see a news story about death, and so many have happened in the last four and a half years, I lose it. Was I blind before or perhaps so use to those stories that they didn't hit me so hard? I don't know but they sure do get to me now.

You have it right Mitch. Tammy is and always will be part of you. We never do get to understand the why's. We just go on with this simple little truth that Kathy always told me. She said "it is what it is" I screamed "not good enough damn it", over and over after she left. You can yell it to a crowd or scream it to a brick wall. The response is always the same. I found myself right back where I started. It just is what it is. No answers. I am sorry for your anguish. I'm also happy to see you made it six months. Slowly we adapt to this new life. We may hate it so but we do eventually find we have more happy days than sad. One day at a time my friend. I am four and a half years on this journey and still very much in love. I smile a lot more than I did at six months even if I still cry some.

Good advice debi. I for one made my life easier by just not sharing certain feelings with those who cannot get it. You never walk away from those conversations with good feelings. You most likely feel worse, even conflicted. I reserved those moments when I need to talk about how I feel with those who do. I also speak of Kathy in the present tense because she is such a part of me not to mention I still feel her presence around me often. George, I am further along grief's journey than you and I want to say that I didn't move much in my home at first either. I was afraid that I would erase her memory. I hated to even leave my house because she might be gone when I got back. A lot of emotions can flood through your heart when you are going through this. It may be best to let them come but trust me on this. debi is right. we do slowly recover and cope and most importantly, we adapt. We never stop grieving. We would have to fall out of love to do that. But we begin to have more happy days than sad. We begin to live again. I should ad that while the inside of my home is still very much the same as it was five years ago, it has remained that way simply because it's pretty. Kathy made it so. Stephen