LadyCarrie

Dear Anne, I didn't realize I was holding my breath when I first began to read this. Scanned first, then read. Now for a heartfelt, "Thank You, Lord, for answered prayers." Also now to intercom Jerry to let him know! He will be delighted. I will text Amberly at work. She will want to know also. Are you sure about the horse? That hurts my back just to think about it. Love and hugs, Carrie

Ctwilki, Please forgive me if I speak out of turn here, but the so-called friends you talked about are not your friends; instead, they are long-term companions. If it feels better to you to write to these FB friends, write to feel the release of hurt and anger. Were I you, I would drop them (easier said than done, I know), because there is nothing you can do to repair such a breach, except for perhaps a brief period, because you will remember how they've behaved during your exceptionally great need. You are doing well to get counseling. The one-on-one counseling will likely help you more, yet you might learn something (a tool) to help you in the other meetings. No one anywhere will understand "exactly" what you are feeling, but it seems those who have experienced losing someone they love to suicide will understand your pain best. I've lost my first husband and nephew to suicide, and my 17-year-old niece (and her husband) to murder. Even so, I cannot fathom losing a child in any way. I cannot say that I know how you feel. I can say only that I care very much that you are hurting so badly. You are doing well also to read everything Marty suggests to you. I'm no expert, but it seems to me that you are doing everything you can to help yourself, and you're doing it well. I, too, would like a new friend. My husband Jerry and I are semi-isolated on a mountain in the Sierra Nevada Mtns., and most people in our small, rural subdivision are younger and work. We live among "weekenders" and vacationers as well. Friends, those who will tell you to remove the spinach from between your teeth, or that you need to lose a few pounds before you pour yourself into your favorite dress again, and have you still love them, are more rare than amethyst. I've had a few such friends in my 70 years, but not even one locally now. One of my best friends moved away, and the other one died. Most of our close friends had sense enough to leave this mountain, and get to lower elevations, or go live near their children. We may need to move, but that would be difficult; our tap root has been growing here for over 30 years. Like you, I've found my way here to our Forum, and we here are a family also. Shucks. I'll bet we feel closer to each other than to some family members, or to some friends. You are welcome here. We will move over and give you room to sit down with us. Blessings and hugs, Carrie

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I'm going to try to send the Doxie on refrigerator door. If he doesn't show up, he's still stuck, and please forget I tried to get him off.

Hello, dear Barb, and Welcome. I'm truly sorry for your multiple losses and for your pain. I can only imagine your pain for having lost both husband/best friend and home. I'm glad you had help with the physical move. I pray you will have at least one strong and faithful friend who is physically with you who will walk this grief journey with you. Our friends tend to "split" and make themselves unavailable when we stay sad "too long." We here on the forum, although distant physically, will stay with you for as long as you need and want us. You said: "I am so tired of people telling me to stop whining and move on, I could just scream." I am struck by the absurdity of anyone suggesting/accusing you of whining or suggesting that you move on at any time, and especially at this early time of your raw, raging grief. Whoever said such a ridiculous thing has yet to suffer. I believe were I in your place, if possible, I would try to "move away" from whoever said this, and for my own peace of heart and mind, if not for theirs as well, forgive them their ignorance. As has been said, you will not find such said to you here. Each one here cares that you hurt. Blessings and hugs, Carrie

Yaaaaay! I did it! I'm a a big girl now! Carrie

Happy Easter to All of our Forum Family from Jerry, Amberly, and me ❤️. Amberly began our morning by sending us this video of Don Francisco's, "He's Alive," which melted Jerry's heart--expressed by great tears of gratitude for God's love and for our eternal salvation streaming down his face. I do hope this comes to you as "He's Alive," rather than as a red Dachshund plastered by his belly on a refigerator due to his having swallowed all of the refrigerator magnets. Amberly sent that cartoon also, as well as a baby hippo having its first swimmimg lesson given by the mommy. Whatever you receive here, I hope you enjoy. I have neither Jerry's nor Anne's expertise in use of electronic media. Hugs, Carrie Check out this video on YouTube:

Dear Gizmo'sMom, I believe I might know much of how your heart is hurting regarding your loss of your sweet little Gizmo and your feelings about euthanasia. Even when we know it's time, and when we do it for the right reasons, guilt seems to come with euthanasia for some of us. When we've truly done all we can, and from a heart saturated with love, we aren't actually guilty, but it feels like we are. We lost our little love, Ashely Rose, to kidney disease on 10 October 2014. Our baby was a wee fun-loving Black and Tan Doxie who lived to be fourteen. She would have lived a while longer had I not taken advice from the wrong vet who told me she could withstand dental surgery regardless of her KD. She lived three weeks after that surgery, and suffered terribly due to her extensive oral surgery, as well as from the nausea of kidney disease. When it was time to end her suffering, a vet, a long-time friend, came to our home and gave the injection. She had told me to give her 5 mg of Valium prior to her arrival, but instead of the Valium, I gave her a capsule that her regular vet (also a long-time trusted vet) told me to give her. This capsule is one that is given prior to surgeries to sedate animals. It was supposed to relax her completely, and thereby cause her death to be easier and less fearful for her. It didn't work that way for her. She appeared to be unaware of the injection itself; however, she suffered for about an hour and a half prior to the injection, from severe wretching without being awake enough to actually vomit. The awful vomiting had been frequent due to KD, but after the capsule, she just lay in my arms and wretched without being able to lift her little head. I cry from loss of her, and because of my wrong choices. I tried hard, yet made two wrong decisions that harmed her. Ashely was our sweet baby girl who slept in the crook of my left arm for fourteen years. We miss her so much. To be so little, she occupied a lot of space. We have another little red girl, a red sable Doxie who is Ashely's cousin, also age 14, who has kidney disease and needs oral surgery for very bad teeth. We know through my mistakes with Ashely, to treat Callie's teeth with antibiotics rather than surgery. Callie still is doing fairly well, but has the nausea that comes with KD and gets progressively worse. I tell you these things only to let you know that I understand your pain, loss, and grief. I care very much that you hurt. I wish so much that I could help you in some way. I send you warm hugs, ❤️ Carrie

I'm thankful you were able to have all those tests also, Kay. You definitely needed to have that baseline. I've thought often since Jerry became so sick in 2013 that I'm glad he had the tests and all the care needed before the laws changed. The hospital had begun to get set up for the changes just as he was being discharged. As a result, we received a huge bill that we were to pay as our part, because of the new laws. Jerry and I didn't know anything about laws (he was just trying to survive), so we prepared to pay what we were told we owed. Amberly looked at the statement, and said basically, "Whoa up and wait a minute here. Not so fast. You don't owe this." She called the hospital, and said as much, nicely, of course, to the person who answered. The person she talked with explained the new law to Amberly. Amberly told her that the law did not apply yet, and that if she used a particular code number, the hospital would be paid in full. The person said that she could see that, and thanked Amberly for pointing that code out to her. Amberly used to do medical billing. Whew! That was close. She said this often happens to unsuspecting people, and that the elderly are the ones most apt to just pay whatever they're told they owe. We would have done just that, for we thought we owed it. From this, we learned that if the hospital and some doctors' offices can get the patient to pay, they get the full amount charged rather than what an insurance company will pay for the same service. We surely are glad we sent that girl to school! Carrie

Hi, I am so sad that you've lost your Macy. I understand your hurting heart, for we lost our Ashely on 10 October 2014 to kidney disease. She was (hate using "was!") a wee Black and Tan miniature Dachshund, who filled our hearts and home with bouncy, playful joy. I still dread coming upstairs alone, especially late in the day when the evening shadows of the forest move inside the house, and just before its time to turn on the lights. For some reason, this is the worst time of day for me. My heart and arms ache for my baby girl. I want SO badly to hold her, and feel her little body in my arms. We have another little red sable girl, Calico Rose Doxie, called Callie, who also has kidney disease (Ashely's cousin; KD is genetic). We dread going through the in-home euthanasia scene again, although we feel it's less stressful for our fur babies to have it done at home. We believe we will have Callie for a while yet. She still can chase the laser light for about five minutes a day. We will take that. It's not like fifteen, but we are glad she can still run some. She will be fifteen on June 29. Like most elderly folks, she has good days and not-so-good days. On her not-so-good days, we remember that we are going to lose her, and our hearts become heavy. Again, I'm so sad for you. I pray you can find some measure of comfort and peace. Please know you are welcome to come here and share as many of your stories about your sweetheart doggie as you'd like, for we are interested in hearing your stories, and we care that you are hurting. You are not alone in your grief. We will stay here with you. Carrie

Dear Anne, I was able to be here only briefly yesterday, but long enough to nab Amberly to ask her to read your post before she left for work. You were in my thoughts and prayers often throughout the day, and until I went to sleep last night. I thought it absurd (still do) for you not to be kept informed regarding your test results. Being kept informed should be included among the Patients' Rights. Amberly said that although she agrees with what I just said, it is common and routine for specialists to gather information from many tests before sharing this information with their patients. She said also that because these specialists deal with the same kinds of things almost every day of their lives, such becomes simply routine for them, and they often don't remember how agonizing the waiting is for their patients. Some care a lot, and some care little. She did say, several times, to ask you to please don't go off your Cipro, and that it is very important that you don't. She said that the doctor will likely change the antibiotic after a while. Switching back and forth is common for stubborn infections. Cipro is a good antibiotic for the bladder. I think the tests are for your protection and that of your doctor's license. The latter I understand also, for doctors are being "battered" by new laws (their ways of treating are being changed on threat of disciplinary action; we have several good friends who are choosing to retire rather than change how they treat). It's better to have all these tests than to not have a needed one. Some doctors have been greedy, and as a result, some people will not be able to have needed tests in future. Because of Amberly's work, I hear her frustration after she's done battle with insurance companies on behalf of her patients (also with hospitals and universities who will not accept "Obamacare"; most people have insurance now, but many have little coverage). I believe the new laws about not having several tests done at the same time are wrong and maddening. Their purpose is keep down the number of "unnecessary" (?) tests. Amberly is affected by this, because she herself needs several tests done in Modesto, and must put in for time off work for different tests to be done on different days. She's needed these same tests (all done at the same place) annually for several years, but now must schedule for three different days when all tests could be completed within an hour or two. You are right in what you said about worry. As Corrie ten Boom said, "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength." Even so, I'm so danged good at worrying. I received an "A+" in "Worry 101," but I tell myself that is "old school," and I need to go back to college for "Trust 101." Like you, I'm trying to do better about worry, and so we will. Indeed you are so loved, and by so many, including me. We all want so much to do "something" to make these scary days easier for you. Like the others, I send you love and long, warm hugs. Carrie

Dear Butch, I am sorry I'm a bit late in wishing you a Happy Birthday! Yesterday was a bit wild in the Hall household, so I could could not be here yesterday, and thereby missed out on much. You remain in my morning prayers, as well as through the day whenever I think of you, which is often. I'm just dropping in to say I remember, and I care. Blessings, Carrie

Dear Shari, You have such wisdom for one so young. I'm sorry you are learning wisdom in the "School of Hard Knocks," yet I'm so proud of you for reaching out to help others with what you've learned. You are not wasting your pain, but are learning early to use it for good. I've read your story, and I've listened to you as you've come such a long way. May God bless you, watch over you as you grow, and may He keep you strong and safe. ❤️ Carrie

I am SO with Kay regarding the "friend" who said she would be right over. I am angry toward her on your behalf also (would you like Kay and me to take her to coffee and have a talk with her? I'm sure we could set her straight for you.). You've really lost no friend in her; you've only learned that she is not a friend to be relied on. I have a friend who said that if Jerry (husband) and I ever need her that she would be here "with bells on." I trusted her, and felt safe knowing she was nearby, and was eager to help. One morning when Jerry was bleeding profusely from his nose, I called her to ask if she would take us to ER. She responded, "Oh, my God, Carrie! I have a meeting!" She couldn't help us, because she was meeting with her sorority sisters. I know now the real meaning of a "fair weather friend." I needed to call several people before finding someone not too busy to help. Jerry went to ER, and from that hospital to a bigger one several miles away from our home where he stayed for five weeks. It took some time--and a lot of prayer--to work through my feelings to acceptance of how it is with my fair-weather friend and with people in general during times of need or grief. It's a waste of our life and energy to try to make it different. We can change only ourself and how we react to the insensitivity of self-centered, insensitive people. It's too soon for you to not be as hurt as you are. Do whatever it takes to rid yourself of your justified hurt and anger (short of hurting someone, of course). If, like Kay suggested, burning the names of the people who hurt you helps you let the hurt go, then burn their names. It will likely take a while to work through to forgiveness, but if you can, you might find the peace you are so desperately needing if you can forgive. I'm judging only on myself and the hurts I've been subjected to, and ones much, much bigger than the one regarding my neighbor whose sorority sisters are so meaningful to her. I felt emotional torture for years due to deep justified hurt and anger, but I'm the one who was injured by my hurt and anger; the objects of my hurt and anger weren't affected by it at all. Forgiveness doesn't mean that their actions are all right, or that you ever have to like them again. The forgiving is more for YOUR benefit, so you yourself can heal and concentrate on people who love you and things that can help you. You will find people here on the forum who understand your feelings, and we understand because we have both felt pain, and have accidentally hurt others at times by continuing with our lives while our friends suffered what we suffer now. We learn from our own pain, and are thereby able to reach out to others who hurt. In this way, our pain is not wasted. You will weather this awful storm, and will be able to help others, because you know the deepest of pain and grief. Neither you nor we asked for this education and wisdom, but we can determine to use it for good. I hope I haven't said anything that I shouldn't have said, for I just want so badly to comfort you. Blessings and hugs, New friend, Carrie

Hi, I know it's not the same, but we will be here waiting for you. We all care that you are hurting so badly. Come back and let us know how and what you are doing. You've definitely reason to feel hurt by the behavior of the people you counted on. I don't know why people tend to avoid grieving people. I hope I don't ever do that again, even if I accidentally say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I think the private counseling will likely help you because it's one-on-one. It has helped me. ❤️ Carrie

This P.S. has absolutely nothing to do with the discussion here, but I'd like to share a text that Amberly just sent to me. This is an example of why she doesn't like to work pediatrics (she's too tender-hearted for it; she helped with circumcisions in her early years, but refuses now). From Amberly to me: "I just had to give three vaccines to the cutest little round native baby girl. She was all smiles prior, and cried with each stick. Poor little thing. Made me want to cry, too. And she forgave me afterward with a smile and little tears still tracking down her little round brown face." Amberly is likely in the nurses' break room trying to pull herself together. She handles that trauma of ER so much better (smile)! Carrie

Good morning, All, I have tried the colored pencils that can be used to create watercolor paintings, but my results were such that I know I'm still an amateur, for sure and certain! I definitely need practice with this medium, but I haven't given up. I can't remember the brand of the watercolor pencils I have, but Prisma likely. I would have done better with my watercolor paint from the tubes, not that I'm great with watercolor. For me, watercolor is much more difficult than oils. I need a teacher to help me learn how to have more control of the paint (the red of the rose at the top does not need to fade to pink at the bottom where the green belongs, or does it? The red turns brown when it meets and mixes with the green, so perhaps I could pull a Bob Ross and call it a "happy accident"). We have a friend who is a professional painter, who I was going to hire to help me with my oils, but I discovered during our discussion about it that while I'm "into" pastoral landscapes, flowers, old homes and old barns, and such, he's into architecture of the buildings of Milan, Italy where he spends much of his time. His work is admirable, but my multi-story buildings lean like those in Southern CA after a quake, and he has no interest in the fauna and flora of our Tuolumne County, CA, because his heart and passion is Milan and the life he had there. He frowns on the works of our local artists who love and paint the simple things of the simple-but-awesome place where live. He's still our good friend, although we are not as dignified as he in our art work . I'm not familiar with the companies you guys mentioned, Kay and Fae (Is my ignorance showing?). I haven't been able to play in color for a long time, but there will likely be time again, and I'll wish I didn't have time. I know you all understand my meaning. Please forgive my momentary sad thought passing through this happy art conversation. I try to push these thoughts aside when they come. It a part of where I am in my own journey (waiting for pain to hit me like a hammer to my head and to my heart; scary). I took a thought side trip. I'm back with you now. Playing in color can give me a high and an exhilarating rush, and I know some of you will understand. Aren't we glad God gave us color to feed our souls rather than creating everything in shades of white, gray, and black? I used and taught color therapy to help our clients when Amberly and I had Hall's Health and Massage Clinic. One of the doctors, whose office was located just down the hall from us, used to send some of his patients for color therapy. Color is like medicine for our emotions (some days we need the reds, yellows, and even oranges, and other days, we need to be bathed and saturated in indigo). Color therapy is understood and used more in the larger cities, but is getting a "toe hold" here. I will look Blick up online. Would you believe I need to go all the way to Modesto in the Valley to get quality art products? I have used Aaron Brothers there for many years. I hadn't thought to try online shopping for supplies. Thanks for the information. I like Prisma colored pencils, and have many of them. I get excited and buy duplicates of what I already have at home when I'm in an art supply store . I've always been conservative when buying canvases, because they can be expensive. Knowing that I do this, Jerry bought me two pricey ones that I would not have bought for myself. He did this after he was so sick. He said that he wanted me to have at least two of the best we could get, and that he needed to know I have them. When I objected due to the cost, he said that he wanted me to have them, and to not be pressured to create a masterpiece, or to ever use them. Because I have no time to paint at this time of my life, can you imagine the thoughts that go through my mind when I remember these canvasses? I believe you know. Back to a happy thought again. I've really enjoyed all of the art everyone has been sharing lately. It does my heart good, and I thank each of you. I would never have thought to use paint chips. How creative and how lovely! I enjoyed the photos a lot. Blessings for all, Carrie

Dear ctwilki, There is no hurt worse than the one you are suffering. I lost my first spouse to suicide, and more recently, a special-to-me nephew. I understand your not wanting to ask for the support you need, yet this is the very thing you will need to do. We think people should reach out to us and know what we need without us reaching out to them for help, but many people simply don't know what we need, or how to go about saying what is in their heart. Some are fearful of saying the wrong thing, and some don't know how to react to our "meltdowns." It is also true that some just don't care enough to get involved. We have no choice but to accept this. If you can find just one person with whom you can bond, and who will walk closely through this tragedy with you, that might be enough and might be better than having several lukewarm friends who had rather dodge you than talk about your loss. Suicide is difficult to understand (can't truly) for those of us who have suffered due to it, and sometimes impossible for those who have not been touched by it. When I went to order flowers for my nephew's funeral (to be sent to near New Orleans from CA), my florist's husband told me that my nephew was a selfish, insensitive person, and said several mean things about him based completely on his having taken his own life. He had never heard of my nephew before that day, so did not know that Joe was a most unselfish, sensitive person. I was stunned speechless (well, not quite speechless. I did manage to say, "Glen, you are an idiot" before I left and burst into a flood of tears). He and his wife have been friends of ours for a few decades. I had to leave without finishing placing my order. I wrote him a letter to tell him that I chose to forgive his ignorance and unkindness to me, but what he said had hurt me badly. I received no response, nor did I expect one. Part of the reason I am a part of this forum is that I am lonely due to missing friends who have either died or moved off of this mountain to be near medical facilities and/or their children. We aren't truly isolated, for we do have neighbors. Most work, or are week-enders/vacationers, and are not home much of the time. We rarely see them, for we "travel in different circles." Most are younger and are busy rearing their children (old ones generally move off the hill due to our snowy winters). We are most surprised to learn that unless we are physically able to attend church, our fellow members don't remember we exist (yep, that was a whine you heard from me). Of course, many of our friends are no longer there, and new people with young families fill the pews (including ours!). We've been active members (held offices) of the same church for over thirty years. Attending is becomig nearly impossible. Because I'm honest, I'll admit I've treated others in this same neglectful way through ignorance and being busy with my own life during our years of travel and my years of being Caregiver for my mother. I'm not proud of my neglectful behavior. I understand from both sides of the fence. Understanding comes with age and experience. Understanding doesn't ease the pain of loneliness, isolation, or rejection though. It does cause me to want to help those I can help now. Try to ask outright for what you need. Let people know you had rather them say "something" to you even if they accidentally say the wrong thing. If you let ten people know what you need, expect only one of the ten to respond favorably (that's just a number, for I don't know how many; people get busy with their own lives, perhaps even pray for you, and go on with their own lives). So what if it's charity? Truly, I hate asking for charity. I'd rather eat a bug than to ask for charity, but John the Baptist ate locusts, so eating a bug or two might not be so bad, especially if you batter and Southern fry them. Some of us here on this forum will be here with and for you for as long as you want. Some are healing enough to be here less, and to include and blend other social activities with their daily routines and with being here. This is right, good, and encouraging to others, and I believe a purpose of the forum. Some will stay here and help the new grievers, and for these Blessings from God, I am deeply appreciative. I know having friends on the forum isn't like having your friends you know already call and drop by to see you, but talking and listening here---and making new friends here, is a good thing, a true blessing. You are welcome here. I offer you my friendship, and I know others here will also. My husband has some serious and scary health issues, and I am in anticipatory grief. I expect to be here a long time (unless I say the wrong thing and get myself in trouble). Warm hugs, Carrie

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all! Carrie

Dear Anne, Thank you for this update. I was wondering how you are, and whether you've heard the results of your MRI. What a time for your doctor to go to a conference! I'm sorry. The waiting is so bad. Prayerfully, the waiting will be the worst part, and it will soon be over. I hope the biopsies weren't too painful. I dreaded that for you. I'm happy you started your colored pencil art again. I have that as a hobby also, but I'm not great at it by any means. I'm not going to be winning any contests, but I love using color. It's been a long time since I've had time to play with anything creative. I get to do fun things like Quick Books (sarcasm). I don't like bookkeeping, so I fuss. I've meant to tell you that the email address you sent to me some time ago didn't work. I copied and pasted the one you sent, but I got a message that it was invalid when I sent you an email. I thought you might want to know. Amberly just got back tonight from Stockton where she took some classes at St. Joseph's Hospital. One class was on pain management. She was supposed to have had her last two tests at 4:30 yesterday afternoon, but at 6 p.m., the nurses were told that they would have to return this morning because the computer was down. That meant Amberly would have to stay an extra night. She was able to get her motel room for another night, for which she was quite thankful. She was supposed to be back to work at 8 this morning, but made arrangements to come in later. She made it to work at 11. She looks like she's run a race. She's a happy tired though, because she really enjoyed her classes, and is happy to have her certificates. Jerry's had a few rough days, particularly last Wednesday. Amberly almost canceled her classes. He went to his ophthalmologist, and was told that his glaucoma has progressed to the severe stage. That is unrelated to whatever is making him have these scary dizzy episodes. He had three of them today. He was able to go downstairs to his office by noon. He still has "good days" and enjoys his drone. We always remember you in our prayers every morning. Thank you for remembering us also. Blessings and warm hugs, Carrie

Anne, I'm thinking of you this morning. I am thinking that you are strong, and like the daisy, you come back even stronger after the rain. May God continue to hold you and to uplift you. Blessings, Carrie

Dear Shalady, I am so sorry you are hurting both emotionally and physically. There is no doubt that your returning to your home in NY, where you have memories of many years of happiness and fun, will be both painful and healing. For me, returning is something I would have to do as soon as possible, or I may never be able to return. It's difficult, and it hurts. You will go when the time is right for you, and there is no right or wrong time. I hope there will be someone with you for your support when you go. Your physical pain exacerbates your emotional pain. I'm sorry. I think of you often, and always pray for you each time you come to mind. Blessings and hugs, Carrie

We are here with you also. ❤️

We are praying for you here, and Amberly just texted me from work to tell me she is praying also. Carrie

Dear Anne, We join all the others who are lifting you up to our Heavenly Father in prayer. Warm hugs, Carrie, Jerry, and Amberly