LadyCarrie

Thank you for this update, Anne. I was wondering whether rehab is helping him want to live. I'm so glad to hear there is improvement. Your niece is special ~ and fun! I'll continue to pray. Hugs, Carrie

Love and hugs to each of you. I appreciate all of you so very much. Each of you is a precious blessing to me. You remain in my daily prayers. Carrie

QMary, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to have that good visit with Lois. I will pray for you, and for your family. May God hold each of you close, and sustain you all. Blessings, Carrie

Dear Jan, You don't know me, but I know you a little through your posts. I am looking at the moon right now, and am about to bow my head to pray for you. I just told my family about you, and they say that they are sorry you are hurting, and that they care. Blessings and warm hugs from near Yosemite, California Carrie

Dear Marty, Thank you for your answer. You are right, of course, in all you said regarding our pastor's meaning. I do appreciate his care and kindness so very much. He knows of our efforts to get to church on Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights since January, so he was telling me that I'm not to worry about my other responsibilities for now. I still want to be a part. I didn't want to be exempt. Perhaps God has another work for me to do. I will wait and listen. Maybe He really does want me to just sit down and be still (I guess I'm like a kid who won't go to bed, and can't shut up). I will make the adjustments that I need to make. I fuss, but I do what I need to do. Because these vertigo episodes that Jerry has are becoming more frequent, and are sometimes more intense, our pastor assumes the worst outcome. I know this because when he prayed with me on the phone last week, he talked with God about "Jerry's time on earth coming to an end." My heart hit my stomach. I really must find a way to ask him to not pray such with Jerry when he comes to visit next week. We do not know that Jerry's life is coming to an end. Even his doctors do not know this. No one can know this. His doctors can give no prognosis. His local doctors are his close friends, and some attend church with us. They do still make the comments to him that they're surprised he's still here, as though he's so strong that he can hear these comments without harm (Jerry does not flinch or draw back; he smiles as though the comments aren't scary). Again, we must remember that harm is not intended. I think both Jerry and I have heard just about the hardest words to hear, yet we've chosen to understand that no harm is intended. We know that we ourselves might accidentally step on someone's heart and cause hurt or offense, although we would never cause hurt anyone on purpose. Jerry has hopes of living "many more years" (his prayer to God, and expressed hope to me), although he gets anxious about it, especially when the pain is intense, or the vertigo episodes are bad (how could he not?). Jerry has a strong will to live, so he just might live "many more years." His liver enzyme numbers are good, even after being in complete liver failure. He might live longer than I live. I am scared, yet I have hope. Hugs, Carrie

Dear Anne, You said: "I understand your feeling when your pastor said that Jerry was your “ministry now”. I always resisted the word “caregiver” during those last years. I was Jim’s wife and we cared for each other. We just did things for each other as husband and wife do. I called Hospice when it was time and hired a nurse to “minister” to Jim. I tried to keep my role as wife right up to the end." I felt like doing a happy dance when I read this, for I knew you understand the reason I don't like my role renamed. Caregiving is what we all do as loving spouses from the beginning of our marriages, yet when used when our spouse is ill, the word caregiver can feel like a role change from wife to nurse for some of us. I feel better when I remember that I am not exchanging roles. Dr. Charles Stanley referred to God as our Caregiver in an article I read a few days ago. I choose to believe my reading this article at this particular time was no accident. I asked for a perception adjustment, and received one. God takes care of all of us, and each of us is to take care of all who He gives to us. He has given us to each other here on the forum, and so we reach out to care for each other, and learn to love one another in the process. As for Hospice, Amberly says that because our community is so small, only the most ill patients can get Hospice care. She's trying hard to get care for a patient who desperately needs help, yet there is no help for the patient at this time. There are too few people to help. You said that you hired a nurse for Jim. After becoming nearly exhausted, I gave up, listened to Jerry's advice (insistence), and hired a live-in LVN to help me with my mother when I was her caregiver. I also hired someone to help with the housework a couple of hours a day. I'd rather do my own housework, except vacuuming, which "kills" my spine now. I am considering hiring a service to "deep clean" our house once a month. Spinal pain is a good incentive. Jerry is all for hiring someone for the house, as well as for the yard. I will hire someone for the yard, because I must. We are not wealthy, and I don't know what our financial future holds, so I am conservative with money. I grew up as a cotton patch kid, so I squeeze pennies a lot tighter than Jerry does. I know how to make a little go a long way. As far as Jerry's doctors are concerned, we have plenty of professional help in our family (some are long-time friends; go to same church with local ones). Their patient's needs are being met, so they're pleased. I am thought to be quite capable of doing all Jerry needs done, and I am. They laugh when I say I'm tired, for they are tired also. They know that Amberly is a RN, and that we both are medical massage therapists and are pain institute certified. We used the Bonnie Pruden (Janet Travell) method of myotherapy (trigger point) while we had Hall's Health & Massage Clinic (we had a room for color and light therapy, aromatherapy, and more, but these things are not really necessary for Jerry's care). I worked as a CNA a millennium ago. It's like riding a bike; you don't forget. When you told us about your percutaneous tibial nerve stimulation treatments, I knew that term, but I could not remember how I knew it. When Amberly got home, I asked her how it is that I'm familiar with it, since it's not something I would have been taught in any of my classes. She said that I know the term because of HER class. I drilled her for a test on it. I'm glad to have my mystery solved. I knew I'd heard that information before, but couldn't figure why that would be so. It was niggling at my mind. She said that she knows no more about it than the basics, which the doctor told you. She's interested in knowing how it works for you. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and praying all goes well for you. Hugs, Carrie

Love and hugs to you, Fae.

I gave some thought to painting my toenails blue, Kay, but decided that instead of mine being lovely like Anne's, I might look cyanotic, and Amberly would haul me off to a doctor. As a cosmetologist, I've enjoyed trying just about every hair and nail color available. Those were fun and playful days, and I'm thankful for them. I still have so much to be thankful for today ~ deep and meaningful blessings. I read here, glean knowledge (education) from others, grab onto hope through the words of those who are healing somewhat, realize I'm normal, and thank God for the loving people of our forum, a God-given safety net for us all. I won't ask whether you understand, for I know you do. I'm not unhappy; I'm scared ("frightened" sounds more refined perhaps, but "scared" works). All the photographs, iPad videos, and camcorder movies cannot keep Jerry with me. Sometimes I wonder whether he feels like I pursue him as though I were the Paparazzi. He doesn't mind. He realizes exactly what I'm doing, and he's all right with it, and perhaps even pleased. My pastor visited us recently (can't go to church), and told me that Jerry is my "ministry now." I've never thought of my husband as a "ministry." All I do for him is because I am his wife. He's neither my patient, nor whatever he's supposed to be as my ministry. I don't want my role renamed. Other titles cause me to feel like I'm losing my place, so I resist them. Resisting doesn't freeze time for me, and changes nothing; I know, yet I just can't help resisting. I want my ministries to be those I've had in the past (I don't mind serving by washing feet, writing newsletters, women's ministries, or in any way needed). Jerry as my ministry causes me to feel like I've lost my place of service in my church, which is another loss. Perhaps I need a perspective adjustment. Any ideas as to how that might happen? I need some simplicity and normalcy. That's not ever going to happen, is it? My moods can switch from lighthearted laughter to tears in a nano-second these days. I'm sorry. Perhaps the following text from me to Amberly at work yesterday might explain my mood fast changes somewhat: "Daddy just had another episode. He said that three times lately, the "spells" have been bad enough that he feels like he's not in his body. He said that his brain sees, but it's like someone else is looking through his eyes. Does not feel like he is about to faint, although he feels like he is spinning. He says that he has no pain, but that he's had a dull headache all day." He had been walking around the yard instructing a worker how he wanted the drips put on the roses. I was taking videos and photographs. I felt content, because he seemed normal, and was doing a normal activity; then suddenly, this episode happened. He doubled over onto me for support, and fear replaced all else. Jerry told me last night that if anyone heard what he said to me, they would think he's lost his mind. He knew his explanation sounds strange, but he knows of no way to explain what he experiences. What he is describing is vertigo plus something more. It's the possible reasons for the vertigo that gives us concern (aneurysm again?). Amberly is as bewildered as I am. She says that a CT would tell us if there is an aneurysm, but then what can be done about it? Of course, if there is no aneurysm, we would feel much relief. Jerry chooses to not know, because he can't have the surgery if needed. I told his doctor about the episodes, for he needs to be aware. The doctor said that he understands Jerry's choice (how I pray it's the right one, for it's the one Amberly and I choose for him also!). Hugs, Carrie

Kay, I didn't see that you are sick until just now. Are you better? I surely hope so. Yes, Harry, it's time to get the feeders out. We saw a humming bird also, and are delighted that our western grosbeaks are back. Unlike the Midwestern grosbeaks, ours are black with orange, rather than black with red. I love to hear them sing. We have the door open, and they have a choir going, I think. I, too, have a positive. While I was watering the roses with the dishwater I carried out today, one of the biggest black widow spiders I've ever seen ran out of its hide-y hole underneath the scalloped stone in a challenging mode. My positive is that she did not bite me either time she took a run at me. She was carrying a huge egg sack on her back. I hate to kill even such a spider, but common sense told me I must. I didn't do it personally, but I had it done just the same. Jerry and our programmer came to the front yard at just the perfect time. I asked the programmer to kill it for me. He said that it was one of the biggest he had ever seen. She was a big girl, for sure and certain. Carrie

Our dear and precious Anne, Your kind words and your kindness to me warm my heart, and bring tears of gratitude to my eyes (tears seem to be perpetually near to the surface). Thank you (all) for understanding where I am right now. Being understood somehow brings some relief. Most of the time, I'm all right, if functioning is my objective. I haven't taken to running naked through the forest yet (cougars rule), so I still have a toehold on my sanity ~ for now. Perhaps if I color my toenails a pretty turquoise, I can get a firmer grip. This seems to have worked well for you. Thank you for your prayers and for your healing virtual hugs. I thank God for you, and for each one here. Love and warm hugs, Carrie

Hello, I agree with what Kay said. No harm was intended, and it was a sad, freak accident. Dogs do not always think as we humans think, and that's the way it's supposed to be ~ even when we don't like their behavior. Alpha dogs do what they are born to do, and challenging other alpha dogs is something they feel compelled to do. I have an alpha male Dachshund who will foolishly challenge even a Mastiff or a Great Dane if he thinks he, his territory, or his people need his protection ~ or if he thinks he must show how big, strong, and brave he is. It's just the way of dogs, and something we need to accept. God made our beloved dogs to be different from us in some ways, and this is right and good. No male human can come near my daughter or me, except my husband, without being threatened (chewed up at least to the ankles) by our Doxie Beauregard. We wondered why my husband is not threatened by Beauregard. Beauregard's vet laughed, and told my husband that it's because Beauregard accepts him as the alpha dog of our home. My husband felt embarrassed by our vet's teasing, but what the vet said was accurate. Beauregard does not know that he is little, will soon be fifteen years old, and has only five teeth left, so he still behaves as an alpha dog. I wish you well, and that you will soon find peace of mind. Carrie

Thank you so much, Marty, for your response and for your caring. I care very much for all here. I compose responses to others on the forum as I go about my daily activities, yet by the time I have opportunity to write, I become more asleep than awake, so I become concerned that what I write will be either senseless, or accidentally inappropriate. Whenever I can't write without sleep-typing, I can pray, for God can make sense of what I'm trying to say. He has a good Translator. Hugs, Carrie

Dear One, I, too, am so sorry you have lost your husband. My heart goes out to you, and I send you warm hugs, for you have been through so much already, and your grief is raw and deep. I am glad you found your way here to us on the forum, yet I am sorry you have need to be here. We care that you hurt, and we understand grief, although each of us experiences it somewhat differently from one another. Please feel free to come here to talk and express whatever you feel. We will listen. I can't advise, but just know I care, and that I will pray God will hold you, uplift you, and give you His supernatural comfort. Warm hugs and blessings, Carrie

Dear Anne, Thank you for the update. I'm really sorry to learn that your brother-in-law likely won't be able to go back to his home. This is one of the saddest things that can happen to people, I think. Depending on the rehab he's in, he just might decide he wants to live. Perhaps with a lot of caring attention, he can get better. That will be our hope and prayer. It's his grief that causes me much concern for him. I'm excited for you regarding your new treatment plan, and I'm happy you had such pretty toenails to show off. I think you have a plan now that will help you. I especially like the little-to-no-pain part. I'm happy also that you treated yourself to the truffles. You deserve a treat. Blessings and hugs, Carrie

Thank you, Anne. I'm not in "early grief"---or am I? Sometimes I don't know where I belong. I just know I hurt so badly, and I feel like screaming my head off. That would not be very helpful for Jerry's nerves, so I'll keep my screaming to myself. I know God hears me, although I scream silently. Knowing that He and you guys care helps keep me doing what I need to do. Hugs, Carrie

Anne, we are still praying for you and for your brother-in-law. Perhaps he will feel better emotionally by having people around him as they help him get better physically. A broken spirit feels as bad as, if not worse than, broken physical health. His weight gain will help him feel stronger perhaps. Carrie

Thank you for caring, Kay. Your caring, and the caring of others here, means so much to me. On Jerry's "good days," I sometimes wonder whether I'm being hyper-vigilant, and over-reacting. Life feels a bit normal, so just perhaps all will become good again. On his not-good days, I know I'm facing reality, and I frantically search for a place of peace and safety. I feel like I have to "go somewhere," but there's nowhere to go. As I just told Amberly, I must remind myself that our Place of Peace and Safety is a Who rather than any physical place. And I also tell myself to quit holding my breath, and to just breathe, Anne. Thank you. Hugs, ❤️ Carrie

Dear Kay, I read the story. Truly, Marty is right. That's enough to make anyone's heart stop, and enough to shatter a mother's nerves. It's a blessing you didn't know until it was over. I'm thankful your son is safe. Perhaps it's time for you to have a good, nourishing breakfast. As for me, were I you, I would likely be having a full stack of pancakes (six, big, fat, plate-size, buttered ones with lots of maple syrup, please), and by noon, I might be able to think nutrition. Hugs, Carrie

Dear Kitty, I, too, am so sorry for your loss. We all care. Carrie

Dear Micki, Bless your dear heart. I can only imagine how you are feeling---and on your birthday. I'm glad you were with friends. I'm so very sorry you are hurting so deeply. Eight days is such a short time--hardly time for the reality of your husband's death to sink in, so I'm not surprised that you are having difficulty concentrating. Was Don's death expected? Whether expected or not, it's terribly hard. I'm glad you have "work family" and good friends. Good friends are such treasures in times of grief. I'm sorry for your reason for joining us, but I'm glad you found your way here. You will find friendly, compassionate, and knowledgable people here who are better able to advise you than I. Please know that I care that you hurt, and that I will pray for you. I pray that God with give you strength to sustain and comfort you. Blessings and warm hugs, ❤️ Carrie

Dear Kittycat and sjg333, I am very sorry that you are hurting. We care. I pray that God will sustain you, and meet all your needs. Carrie

Cindy, I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you. I continue to pray for and with you. Warm hugs, ❤️ Carrie

No one can say that I have chubby toes. Chubby toes might be quite nice, actually. I've wanted short, chubby toes, but no matter how much I eat, I'm just not to have such toes. I have long, skinny toes--something like short fingers. Jerry told me once that I could stand on my toes in the pool and not get wet, except for my feet. Every time I tell that story, he declares that he never would have said such a thing to me (but he did). It is quite unlike him, but he said it. The thought must have struck his mind, and fell out of his mouth. I thought it was funny even at the time, for I knew he would never say anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. I've been teased about my toes since I was a kid, so it didn't bother me. I'm sure I'd wear a size seven shoe, rather than a size eight, were it not for my long, skinny toes. I'm glad you had a good day, Kay. It sounds like a fun day (after the mammogram!). I would have enjoyed going shopping with you. How was that for inviting myself? Fae, I know where our rain went now. It went to you. We've had afternoon lightning and thunder, but no rain. We stood on the upper back deck a few days ago and watched an awesome thunderstorm over Mount Lewis, the next mountain to our east, and between us and Yosemite. Of course, lightning is a very bad thing in this tinder-box forest, especially without rain to put out fires caused by the strikes. I am happy to hear that your reports, including your vision exam, have been good. We are all rejoicing with you. I understand dry eyes, for I have Sjoghrens. I use drops every night, and often through the night when my eyelids stick to my eyes. I panicked the first time that happened. I forced my eye open, which was a mistake. I had a very early morning visit with my ophthalmologist, because I injured my eye, and was in a whole lot of pain with non-stop tearing. I had my annual vision exam recently also. I learned that my slow-growing cataracts are worsening. I'll need them removed likely within a year or so. I learned I cannot pass my DMV vision test. I got a new prescription in hopes the new glasses would allow me to pass the vision test. I just couldn't do it. My license expires on May 24th, my 71st birthday. I've driven since I was fifteen. I drove my father's tractor when I was too little to reach the pedals. I would walk to where he was ploughing in the cotton fields at noon so I could "drive" the tractor home. I sat on his lap to steer. I don't want to lose my license, although I haven't driven in several years due to Menieres. I think I can manage to pass the written exam (now done on a computer), but if I must take the behind-the-wheel test after cataract surgery, I won't. I would if I didn't have Menieres. I don't like it, but I must accept it. This is a little loss in comparison. Anne, you are right about the positive energy here. I've felt it also. Fae's happy dances make us want to join her. The positive energy gives me hope for survival. I appreciate each of you, and I thank Marty for making it possible for us to talk, uplift, and encourage each other. Each of you is special, and a blessing to me. Hugs to all, Carrie

Thank you, Anne, for the article. So many losses. So many changes. Yet there is hope. There must be hope. I search for it, and often find it here. We who follow definitely need consultants. Those who serve (help) others, serve God. Thank you. Hugs, Carrie

Bless your dear and precious heart, Fae. Again, it is late, but I wanted to check in. What a happy surprise your letter is! Thank you so much for all your kind words. I'm so grateful. They mean so much to me. Thank you for caring. As for prayer, I believe God hears our hearts and thoughts always (some thoughts, I'd rather He not!). It is our relationship with Him that matters. For me, prayer is talking with our Father, so I just talk with Him as I go about my day, and try to listen. At church, some prayers are offered while standing, and others while kneeling. When I'm really scared, I'm on my face! Meditation can be/is prayer, I think. Both are parts of worship, and both are important. Jerry has pain again tonight, but we hope and pray for a better day tomorrow. We did get to stand on the back deck this afternoon and watch an impressive, dark thunderstorm over the next mountain. Not a drop of water did we get. Much of the time while Jerry watched the lightning zig-zagging across the sky, I was watching the excitement in his eyes, trying to sear the look into my mind. Since Amberly didn't work ER Satutday, I'd hoped she could drive us out to the old golf course to fly his drone. He didnt feel up to it. Maybe next time we can nab her. Blessings and hugs, Carrie