LadyCarrie

Axil Ezekiel. That's cute. Funny story! When we first went to San Diego for our Doxie babies, we discussed names all the way down there (long trip; we live just over "hill" from Yosemite in Tuolumne County). Amberly (daughter) and I wanted to name them Daisy (wee Black and Tan girl who became Ashely), Petunia (little red sable girl who became Callie), and Poppy (our red smooth boy who became Beauregard). Jerry said that there was absolutely no dignity in any one of those names. He was definitely opposed. He was right, of course, but dignified or not, they seemed to fit. Daisy and Petunia became nicknames for the girls, because they sort of stuck with Amberly and me. I still have trouble looking at Ashely's photos. I thought I was getting better, but Callie's becoming worse is making the hurt come back hard. I'm feeling like I just lost Ashely. I discovered today on Pinterest that I can hardly stand to look at Doxies period, because I love the breed so much, and we are losing ours. I would get another one in a heartbeat, but I cannot due to health issues. I will make myself look at Doxies. We may have Callie for a while yet. You are right. Lots of snuggles. Carrie

Jess, We love your stories. I haven't written much in the past few days because I haven't felt well, but I read, and I care very much. As I think I told you, we lost our little Doxie Ashely to kidney disease on 10 October 2014. Our Doxie, Calico Rose, called Callie, Ashely's cousin who is the younger by one day, has kidney disease also, and she appears to be losing ground fast. She vomited three times yesterday , which goes along with kidney disease. It feels like we can't go through this again so soon. I'm SO not ready. Callie's teeth are hurting her, and she has a growth between two back molars. Anesthesia worsens KD, so they're treating her, for now, with antibiotics and buprenex (pain med). The girls' other cousin, Beauregard, does not have KD, he's just old, mostly deaf, and arthritic. He will be 15 in May, and Callie will be 15 in June. Ashely died at fourteen. Tears still come so easily, and especially as we try to help Callie. Carrie

Thank you for your beautiful post today, Anne, and Kay, your "Fritz" video is just too funny. I can't wait to pass it along. I have a brother-in-law who keeps me informed from SC about his prostate regularly, so he really must see this video. Recently my neighbor decided that Amberly and I need to know that he has such a problem also. This video should make them feel normal and happy. I loved Fritz' story about his spunky mother eating corn on the cob. The objective is to enjoy it regardless of how much corn is gnawed off the cob. I haven't been on the forum much lately because my blood pressure has been a bit higher than I'm comfortable with (and because Amberly's basically ordered me to sit down and be quiet; she didn't say I can't play on Pinterest ). I've never needed to take BP medication, so because of my sensitivity to medications in general, I took 1/4 the dose ordered. I'm glad I took no more, because within minutes, I felt like I'd had two margaritas, and did not feel well at all. Amberly assured me that the medication is a "mild" one, but my BP had dropped too fast. With my reaction, I'm so glad it was a mild one. If there is a next time, I think I'll just lick the tablet. I'm telling you all this as an explanation as to why I've been quiet, and not for sympathy. So many here are suffering so much grief. Please know that I care for each one, although I haven't responded lately. My problems pale in comparison. Surely, this BP thing will pass soon, or I'll learn how to deal with it. Apparently, the medication causes Meniere's symptoms to be wild. Perhaps it was a fluke, and that won't happen again. I was able to help Jerry with his morning routine, and test his INR. We were a few hours late getting it done, but all is well in that way. Blessings, Carrie

I join my prayers with those of others here for Butch and his family. Thank you, Kay, for letting us know, so we can pray together for them. Please tell him that we care that this happened to his daughter-in-law. How scary for her and all who love her! Carrie

Loving words for a lovely lady from a love-filled heart. Carrie

Thank you Anne and Jan for the lovely poetry. I will learn more of this poet. The bunny is precious also. Thanks to you, Anne, I'm practicing finding moments to just "be." Sometimes I'm surprised at how many inches my shoulders seem to lower when I take my two-minute breaks throughout the day to just "be." I don't always realize when my shoulders are approaching the level of my ears. Carrie

Good morning, dear Fae, Thank you for your response, and understanding. I wonder why it is that we can't just turn off these anniversaries, or outrun them. Do we do this to ourselves, or is there an unwritten law that we must suffer holidays after loss or cell-deep fear of loss? Because of our track record, Valentine's Day will always be bittersweet (this word would sound more positive were it sweetbitter; no, there is no way to make that word a positive with bitter in it). Perhaps we can go look for wildflowers this afternoon, or find a place for Jerry to sit in his chair and fly his drone without concern about landing it in a 150-foot pine tree. We will need to go to a lower elevation, but I think maybe we can get a driver for this afternoon (driver not always available). Sometimes (more often than not) my sensitive soul is a blessing, and I'm glad for the ability to discern; however, to pick up up on someone's broken heart from two pews over pouring out his or her heart to God, or to hear the heart of strangers at the market, is a mixed blessing. The real blessing is to feel the joys of others almost as much as if their joys are my own. In truth, it is a blessing for each of us to be able to know the source of our anxiety, so that we can talk ourselves through it. We know to remind ourselves (sometimes over and over again) that this is today, and not yesteryear. I think much of our ability to understand is a learned skill that those who have suffered great loss learn. It is a skill we did not ask for, but one we try to put to good use by caring for others. Our hurts teach us to understand other hurting souls, and to treat them tenderly. We choose to find ways to turn the negative energy into positive energy for ourselves and for others. My family has told me that I'm too sensitive for as long as I can remember. Perhaps I was born sensitive, or perhaps my childhood made me sensitive. Perhaps bad things happened to a sensitive child. Whatever the reasons for my sensitivity, God wanted at least one of me, for here I am. I now remind myself, this is today, and not yesteryear. Today the sun is shining as it comes up over the eastern mountains, and I'm grateful to see such beauty as the Light chases away the Shadows. This is a day God has made, so I'll go now to rejoice in it, because He has given me so much for which to be thankful, including understanding, caring friends here "around the fire" and among the Tribe, as you say. Thank you for your sweetness, words of wisdom, and friendship. To end this what you sometimes call "nattering" on a happy, positive note, I'll say that Jerry and I had ourselves a good chuckle at Marty's Moses cartoon for Harry this morning. Blessings and warm hugs, Carrie

Love and squeezes, Marty. Thank you for your caring words. May God bless you for being such a blessing to so many lives, including mine. I have not one doubt that God led me to you, and to the warm, friendly people on this forum. Carrie

Kay, What has happened to Arlie? Carrie

Dear friends, I am coming to know and to love you as my friends. I care very much that each of you is hurting. I hesitated to write anything about this day, but Jerry came and sat on my side of the bed this morning, and told me that he felt like something is very wrong and something is about to happen. He was feeling anxiety, but didn't understand why. Of course I couldn't know for certain the reason for his anxiety, but suspected I did, because I felt it also. I helped him verbalize what he couldn't quite "put his finger on." He is experiencing reliving his memories of being so near death on Valentine's Day 2013. That was his second time to be in serious trouble on Valentine's Day. He had a quadruple bypass surgery with a St. Jude's mechanical valve put in on 15 February 2002, as well as having surgery for an aortic aneurysm. Valentine's Day has always been a special day for us (flowers, roses, candy). We were on our way for our Valentine's Day dinner on Valentine's Day 2002; instead of a romantic evening, he had a 9.5-hour surgery. He is feeling vulnerable, due to these danged aneurysms that threaten his life. I hurt for him. He's experiencing loss from another perspective. Hugs, Carrie

Dear Jess, My heart hurts for you so much. I think I understand something of what you are feeling, for we had to put our little Doxie named Ashely to sleep on October 10 due to kidney disease. Our fur babies do become our children, and losing them hurts terribly. Marty is right in saying your Axil has such a precious face. How sweet! With a face so sweet, I can see how you fell in love with him. Thank you for sharing his photo. I'm sending you warm hugs. Carrie

Dear Butch, My heart is hurting for you tonight. ❤️ Carrie

Dear sleather, Thank you for the precious photos. I'm still hoping and praying that Tucker will be home soon. Hugs, Carrie

sleather: You are a good doggie mommy. You did right by giving your baby his freedom. Some dogs, like people, must have their freedom in order to thrive. You did well. Try to not dwell on the guilt. When we lose our fur babies, it seems we will wish we had done something differently. There is always at least one thing that we wish we could change, it seems. I lost my Doxie Ashely on October 10 to kidney disease, and I still feel pain and guilt. I'm telling myself to try to set aside my guilt, for it helps neither her nor me. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Carrie

leather: My heart hurts for you regarding your dog. Based on his behavior the last day you saw him, I think he was likely planning a trip. I know the look. I once had a Doxie named Heidi Hilda who knew she wasn't allowed in the pig barn to be with the piglets, so she would watch me until I turned away before she would head straight for it. If indeed his trip was planned, perhaps there is hope still that he will return. I understand your concern about the coyotes, for we have them also. Your kind of pet loss is the very worst, for you don't know what is happening, or what has happened. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I'm sending you a hug, and will pray that your dog will return. Carrie

Dear Harry, Thank you for your words today, for they touch my heart, and they give me much to consider. You know I cannot tell you that I truly understand what you are feeling, but please know that I care very much. I do believe I can identify with the deep and special love about which you write so beautifully. You are right in saying that there is no right or wrong about making changes within your home and on your property. Because my mother slept in a recliner for many years after my father's death, I determined long ago that I would not do that. My way is to change some things quickly before I become too emotionally paralyzed to make even needed changes; at least that's the way I've handled loss in the past (my first husband and my mother). I must do the hurtful things fast in order to be able to do them at all. Your sharing your heart today lets me know that my way is all right. I knew, but I needed to hear it again today. Thank you. You are right. Faucets wear out. I was thinking about this very thing this morning while we changed light bulbs to ones more energy-efficient (LED). I was thinking that without Jerry, I wouldn't even want the faucets changed. I think faucets this morning, and you write faucets today. Interesting. I am extremely protective of Jerry's things, so I might go a bit overboard in protecting them. I want everything that is meaningful to him, and things he's built, or we've built together, to last my lifetime, if possible. I understand your reasons for not wanting to leave your home, for I feel the same way. As a team, Jerry and I have built and changed this place, inside and out, to make it ours. He and I even built our own first front deck here (what fun and laughter we shared!). I feel that no place will ever be home without Jerry, but so much of him will always be here in this home. All things he's built somehow make me feel like he's protecting me. Blessings, Carrie

Dear Marty, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I don't know where to post this, so decided here because you are such a positive for all of us, and such a blessing to so many. God uses you in a powerful way through this caring forum. I thank you, and I thank God for you. I pray you have a special and wonderful day. Hugs, Carrie

Harry, Yes, please do share what you learn about what honey bees like to eat. We do have a few honey bees---and a lot of "meat" bees (a wasp; the meanest bug on earth!). Carrie

I have a positive that might sound like a negative at first. The negative is that Jerry cannot walk a block without hip pain causing him to “buckle.” The positive is that we bought a transport chair and a wheelchair while in Modesto recently. After my initial adjustment to seeing Jerry in a wheelchair (tears hidden behind a smile), I choose to see his having a wheelchair as a positive. We knew it was time to buy a wheelchair one day last November when Jerry was scheduled for an echocardiogram. There were no parking spaces at the hospital. On our first trip around, Jerry refused to use a handicapped parking space, because someone needier than he might need it. After the second trip around the entire grounds, he consented to take a handicapped space. There were none available. I called the cardiologist’s office, to tell them that we were “cruising” the parking lot, and trying frantically to find a space. We had to park several blocks away, and walk back to the hospital. As we walked past the helicopter pad, Jerry’s hip kept causing him to buckle, and nearly fall. He had to stop every few feet, while I held him up by his belt at his back. This was humiliating for him. He never said so, but I know him. He’s always been such a man of dignity and strength. I kept watching for the helicopter, because loud noise can cause me to lose my hearing indefinitely due to Meniere’s (happened long ago; required trip to UCSF). I learned that day that the difference in Jerry’s height (6 ft.) and mine (5 ft. 4 in.) is too great for me to keep him upright easily. It was time to buy a chair. We purchased the chairs the day Jerry had his sutures removed after lesion removal ten days prior. After we purchased the chairs, our driver put them into the car, and we went to eat lunch. While we ate, we realized we could now go to the mall, which we hadn’t been able to do in two years. What a sense of freedom! We headed to Macy’s and to the Jones of New York department, but the department appeared to have been relocated. As I browsed through the clothes where Jones used to be, Jerry disappeared on me. I had not considered there is nothing wrong with those long arms of his. Because of his height, he’s always been easy to spot in stores, but not so in a wheelchair. Because I recently had a basal cell removed from my nose, I cannot yet wear my glasses. There I was alone, my vision quite blurred, stuck between too-close-together clothes racks, and claustrophobic while Jerry was zipping somewhere around Macy’s. My mind raced with thoughts of all the things that could happen to him without him having a way to let me know. I learned later he had been searching for Jones to make it easier for me to find. Amberly laughed out loud when I told her what had happened to me. She said, “Daddy’s got wheels.” Yes, Daddy definitely has wheels. I can push him speedily up and down the mall now (chair helps me walk easier), but he can also speedily disappear on me. We’ll have to work this out. We were told that Macy’s is phasing out their Jones of New York line. They had only a few pieces left. Later, I went to Macy’s online, and was happy to find some things I wanted. When I tried to pay for them, I got, “Unavailable.” It must be true that Macy’s will not be carrying Jones of New York. As we were leaving Macy’s, Jerry suggested that we stop at the Estee Lauder counter, a long-time favorite hangout for Amberly and me. It was late in the day, and I was concerned the fog would roll back into the Valley, but Jerry wanted me to shop while I had opportunity (bless his dear heart). I decided we had time for me to buy a cream to help with the application of my foundation since I already knew the product I wanted to buy. The girl at the counter misunderstood. She scrutinized my face from what felt like about six inches from my nose, while I wondered for a few seconds what on earth she was doing. She assessed my face as requiring the $285.00 luxury cream for my wrinkles. I said that we needed to forget my wrinkles for the present, but I’d like to buy the kind of cream I use already. She said that I could buy the kind “at the other end of the counter” if I needed to (referring to the “inexpensive” kind I use). I told her that I thought it better for me if I order online. It was a mistake to put Coach and Michael Kors purses so near the makeup counter, for those kept drawing my attention away from the Estee Lauder counter. In truth, I resisted those also. I reminded myself these are days of retirement, and I behaved myself. I don’t travel any longer, and I need neither a Coach nor a Michael Kors to take to the rose garden. My well-worn jeans with Jerry’s old business shirts (long enough on me to be a mini-dress), and scruffy shoes work quite well. I could not be more content. Amberly told me later that it is “illegal to stomp a hole in a twenty-year-old twerp at a makeup counter who has yet to grow a wrinkle.” Hmmmm. I had not realized that my daughter could understand. My wrinkles came from many smiles and much laughter as we traveled around our awesome country and spectacular Canada; a lot of sun shining into my eyes and onto my face; many happy events; so much just living life; and experiencing both joy and pain. I’m not happy to have my wrinkles, but I wear them with comfort, for I know I won’t meet anyone wearing a set of wrinkles identical to mine anywhere I go.

Kay, Sometime during the two weeks Jerry was in Step Down, during the time we were being told there was nothing the doctors could do for him, he called a business meeting to be held behind the curtain around his bed. In that meeting he told what was to be done regarding our business, and who was to do what. He told me to call our business attorney and our CPA as soon as possible. Of course, there was much more. As you can imagine, that was the hardest dictation I’ve ever taken in my life. Before this meeting could take place, I needed to make arrangements with his doctor, especially since a business meeting held in Step Down was a bit unusual. The doctor knew it needed to be done, so he agreed. On the day of the meeting, his Step Down nurse did not approve at all, and asked me to not allow it to happen. I told her that I really thought it would be much harder on Jerry if he did not get to have the meeting. It was so difficult to keep my emotions under control, but I did what I needed to do. I tried to go into professional mode, and just do my job. I needed to pretend I was taking dictation for him just as I’ve done for so many years, and try to not think about it being the last business meeting we would ever have. This was so, so hard to do. We really thought it was our last. Of course, this was terribly hard on Jerry, but one would never be able to tell by the way he handled it. If he could do it, so must I. I’m happy you are an officer for your church. I can just imagine how complicated it is. I think you will learn your job, and will do it well. They are blessed to have you. Isn’t it interesting how the sermons hit home sometimes? You’ve held positions career-wise that will help you much with your new position. I truly wish you well. You deserve some good things happening for you now. Take good care of yourself. By the way, we were on the southern end of your storm. I think it was harder for you. We did have some roaring wind (could hear it roaring through and above the trees steadily) and a bit over three inches of rain. We are in great need of rain, for we are in a most serious drought. We enjoy watching the trees do a waltz, but when they do the limbo, we get a tad nervous. Amberly just got home from work. She said that she saw two mudslides on the road on her way to work this morning. Our neighbor, who lives about five minutes away from us had a slide into their drive. He was glad he had a 4-wheel drive, for he needed it to get out. Amberly said the motels in Sonora went on what they call S.O.S. rates, because people were calling for rooms with special rates due to storm damage. We ourselves suffered no damage. The wind had our attention though, for it was scary high. Blessings, Carrie

Dear Kay, You have suffered much, learned much, and shared much of what you've learned. You've gained wisdom and knowledge from each hurt you've suffered, and you have used these tools to help others. Your using what you've learned is taking the bad and turning it to good. This is Christianity in action. You have not wasted your pain, but used it for the good, growth, and healing of others. You are a blessing to so many, including me. Each time I think of the suddenness of your loss of your George, my heart always goes out to you. This happens because I know how frantic I was when Jerry was expected to die during his hospital stay, and at any moment. I was so unprepared in just about every way (so much unsaid, so much I had no idea of what to do about [e.g. how to sell a corporation (way too mind-boggling for me; I had been told for years that in case of such an emergency, to call our business attorney, but I knew this would simply begin a process I knew nothing about)], how many System contracts I was responsible for, who to call for house maintenance [since Jerry does our electrical, plumbing, etc.], and so much more). I read all the things you do for yourself, and wonder how you do it. I know this is my time to learn from you and from others here. You give me courage to learn and to stay strong. You and I are survivors. We are strong women, yet we don't want to need to be strong all the time. I truly understand your laughter (and how you felt about laughing) after your mother's saying that she was 400 years old. It's all right for us who love our family member who has Alzheimer's to have our moments of spontaneous hilarity. Some things are just too danged comical to hold back the laughter. My mother would have laughed at herself, so it's all right. I've wished many times that I had not laughed, but there's just no "sucking it back in." Mama had dementia, rather than Alzheimer's. My sister had Alzheimer's. I've wondered about my mother, because she never had the MRI that would have confirmed which she had. Amberly says, "Likely dementia." Both are painful for family members. You are right in all you said about watching your loved one die a bit at a time, and with his/her knowledge that it's happening. There are the "little" losses--things that "should" be easy, but are no longer possible. These happen often here now. Even when death is expected, it feels so sudden. I often wonder whether I'm accomplishing my goal of getting ahead of grief, but I believe I am, at least somewhat. Being a part of this group is a great blessing to me, and I'm grateful to be a part and for the relief and security I feel. I feel like each one here is a part of my new family. When I married Jerry and left my home in MS, and all that was familiar to me, to move to his home state of CA, I became a member of a new, wonderful, and eager-to-accept me family. I have been loved by his people for forty-six years; unfortunately, we've lost nearly all of his family to death, except for three first cousins who live in distant places. In a way, becoming a part of this forum reminds me of becoming a part of Jerry's family so long ago. I believe your mother-in-law was more like a mother to you. You were blessed to have each other. One of Jerry's aunts filled such a role for me, and I loved her dearly. Her two daughters had moved to the South and to the East Coast, so she had another daughter in me. God is good. He really does give us people. Blessings and hugs, Carrie

Fae, Lots of warm hugs. ❤️❤️ We are glad you have spent your day with the good memories. Carrie We are getting the southern end of Kay's storm. High, gusting wind. It has brought us two and one-third inches of much-needed rain.

Anne, I downloaded "Calm," and love it. Thank you very much. Carrie

Anne, I was happy to learn from Amberly that after their morning huddle at the clinic, she gives her staff five minutes to meditate before beginning their patient care, and tells them to take two-minute breaks for this purpose throughout the day should they begin to feel overwhelmed (or provoked with a coworker). She gave credit for this idea to a nurse friend of hers, and said the idea is helpful. The kid is ahead of me ---again! . Carrie

Dear Kay, Oh, no, I didn't take what you said in a bad way at all. I understood. I might have questioned regarding Jerry, and I might do so again. Today, I just don't remember. Grief, stress, and age have made my thoughts slippery. When my mother died, I definitely questioned (not that she died, but the how of it). I questioned to the point of dangerously being disrespectful to God. I said things to Him that should have brought me great discipline; instead, He held onto me regardless of all my kicking and squalling. He held onto me while I was unable to hold onto Him. He's like that with His children. It is His love that brings me to my knees. You are right in saying that there is no better or easier way (having warning or not), but for me personally, I know having warning is better for me. Having said that, should Jerry die before I die, his death will "feel" very sudden indeed. I may be screaming Why to the top of my lungs. The living with dread is tough. Regardless of the number of years we have with our loved one, the time is way too soon. My mother had dementia also. She thought I was her mother for a year. My sister had Alzheimer's. Before she was diagnosed, she called me one day and said that it had been some time since we'd talked, so she was calling to catch up. I blurted, "What in the world are you talking about? We talked (whenever it was)." I feel so sorry I said such an awful thing to her, but there was no sucking it back in. The saying, "May God keep His arm around my shoulders, and His hand over my mouth" comes to my mind. Sometimes I question my slippery thoughts, especially when I seem to have too many of them within a short period. I think of my sister's having Alzheimer's, and I wonder about myself. Jerry tells me that if it's happening to me, it's happening to him. That gives me relief for a few seconds before I think, "That could happen." People make jokes about their memory lapses being Alzheimer's. Those of us who have watched our family members slip away from this disease, can't find the joking amusing, although we realize no one means harm. Hugs, Carrie