LadyCarrie

Dear Anne, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, as well as for your family. You know I've been praying for you, and I will continue. Our programmer passed a church sign on his way to the airport a few days ago that read: God answers knee mail. I like that. I am just now reading this. Jerry had really bad pain for a night and a day, so I've missed several important posts. I'm sorry. I care about all that is happening regarding your health. I care about all here. I try to write late at night, only to discover much of what I've written is due to my finger being stuck on a key while I'm more asleep than awake. I'm sleep typing. Late at night is often my only time. You know that is not a complaint; it's an "explaint." Jerry is still weak and wobbly, but appears to be getting better. He was able to walk around the yard today. He tries so hard to do all he can to help himself Hugs, Carrie

Dear Kakalina, Thank you for sharing with us again. I encourage you to write, and to share whenever and as often as you'd like. Your love still lives; you yourself are keeping it alive. You carry it within your heart. As long as someone remembers the love, the love lives. That thought is not an original one, but I cling to it myself. Carrie

Dear Kay, What a close call you had! Two to three inches is really a close call. I tried to tell you at about 11:30 last night that I'm so glad you are safe, but soon realized I was writing gibberish in my sleep. I'm not a night owl at all. it just appears that way sometimes. Carrie

Thank you, Fae. I apologize for my faux pas. Carrie

Oops. Perhaps I'm about to make myself unpopular, but I've seen very little of the show. I rarely watch television.

Thanks for the update, Kay. I'm happy you got to see Polly. Medical mysteries cause so much anxiety, and sometimes there are more questions than answers, even after tests (raised by tests). Thank you, Anne, for asking about Kay's truck. I've been wondering whether it is repaired. I usually think about it when I'm down in the hollow, and I don't have my iPad with me. Marty, that woman is scary to look at. I wouldn't want that fury unleashed on me (smile). Understood though. I've had the same look myself.

Dear Kay, I did not find this until just now, or I would have responded right away. I will pray. This has to be very scary for you and your family. I'm unfamiliar with your story of Polly going to Ireland, so I'll ask whether she is there still, or is she nearby you? Hopefully, you will have an update soon, and that it will be such that it will ease your mind somewhat. Blessings and hugs,❤️ Carrie

Rand64, You expressed your great and special love and relationship with Urdwill well, so like many others here, I understand the awful pain you are suffering. A cat lover will comprehend your description of Urdwill's bodily presence with you -- his purring and the vibration of it. It seems our fur babies think they must have their share of our bed, and our share as well. A Dachshund's hind legs are only about an inch and a half long, but can produce a powerful wallop when one wants a little more of the room we mistakenly thought was ours. They can kick like a little donkey, which comes as a big surprise when we are off in dreamland. Your Urdwill was/is (he lives in your heart and mind) a beautiful cat with an unusual name. I don't believe I've ever met an Urdwill before. I'm very much a cat person, but we can no longer have a cat, because my husband became allergic to them. Rather than cats, we have three Doxies (one lives only in my heart and mind). I am so sorry you are hurting. Carrie

Cindy, I'm proud of you also, and agree with all Kay and Marty said. I'm especially proud of you for sharing what you learn, and what you feel. By doing so, you are an active blessing to others. Carrie

Beautiful heart-to-heart writing. Thank you for letting us hear with our hearts, while wishing we could the music with our ears. No doubt each of us hears the music in our imagination a bit differently, yet put together, I believe what we hear would be lovely, and hopefully, pleasing to you. Carrie

Dear Cindy, Thank you so much for sharing the things you are learning with the help of your counselor, for your sharing is helping many others, including me. Thank you for being a blessing to us here on the forum. I think of you, and pray for you, by name each morning. I'm glad I have a pronounceable name now, although God knew who I meant by "ctwilki," which only He could understand my pronunciation. Cassandra was/is the name of my niece who died of AIDS; now, my sister, her mother, has spinal cancer that has spread, according to news I received from by brother Sunday. Blessings and hugs, Carrie

I have an update on Callie, our little red sable Doxie girl. She has lost some weight due to kidney disease, although she eats well. She's hanging out at about 8 to 8.5 pounds down from her healthy weight of 9 to 9.5 pounds. She is still a happy little girl who likes to take walks around the property, and to chase the laser light in Jerry's shop. She doesn't run much, but she still has fun, and enjoys her life. There are days when she's nauseated and doesnt feel well at all, but all things considered, she's doing pretty well still. Amberly (daughter) went with someone in a rental car to the post office a couple of weekends ago, because Callie just gets so danged happy when she gets a rare car ride. The post office is a distance of six miles round trip. Amberly held her in her lap the entire time, so Callie did not ever sit or stand on the seat; even so, when the person returned the rental car to Hertz at the Sacramento airport, the manager charged $75 to detail the car. It is true that Callie is shedding terribly due to kidney disease, but all of us wonder how she could have shed enough hair to be considered "excessive." They must detail the car each time it's returned, and the vacuuming they do would have taken care of the bit of hair they were able to spy. There was no rule that she could not ride in the car. I asked. Of course, we paid the bill. What an expensive ride to the post office that girl had! Amberly had come home telling us how happy and excited Callie was on her trip. I'm glad she was that happy. Perhaps she was so excited she popped her hair right out. I sat on the front deck with her to give her some sunlight a few days ago. While she sat in my lap, I decided to brush her a bit with my fingers. From her neck alone, I got a lot of hair. When I sat her onto the deck, she sniffed the pile of hair I had laid there. I told Amberly that it was enough to make Callie think she had a new friend, so perhaps she really did shed excessively. Both Amberly and the driver of the car said that it couldn't be so. They believe it was the usual airport exorbitant fees. Now that Jerry is taking a nap, I'll take this opportunity to go take care of Callie and her red boy cousin, Beauregard. Carrie

Dear Susan, I am SO sorry. I apologize for making you cry. It appears I was too graphic in trying to help you know I understand what you're going through. I just now re-read what I wrote to you. I can tell that my own hurting heart was showing through as I wrote. I still hurt. Even today, this far away from her death, I thought of her, and needed to shove down the pain, because I can't tolerate the full impact of that grief as well as the anticipatory grief I am going through regarding my husband Jerry. He is going through a particularly difficult time right now. I told my daughter this morning that because I made two bad decisions with Ashely's care, my usual "take charge" confidence in my decision-making skill is shaken, and I am concerned that I will make a serious mistake/mistakes with Jerry's care. I have to remind myself that what I really feel is deep remorse rather than guilt. The guilt doesn't belong to me. I listened to a high-pressure vet. The wrong sedation was an accident. I'm just so sorry and sad about it. I can't have a "do over." I'd better stop this before I have you and me both crying again! I know you are hurting so badly, and I just want you to know that I join the other fur-baby lovers here on the forum in caring that you hurt. I have wondered several times how you are doing, so thank you for writing. Carrie

❤️

Dear Fae, I wrote that I am DELIGHTED to learn your good news! I think I must have not hit "Post." I truly am happy for you, and I celebrate with you. Happy hugs, Carrie

Dear Jeffery, I am truly sorry for your loss, and that you are hurting so deeply. I will pray for you right now, and I will add you to our prayer list. I pray God will give you strength to endure, that He will sustain you, that He will give you at least one person who will be near you physically to support and comfort you, and that He will meet all your needs. May you find comfort and peace underneath the shelter of His "wings." I'm sorry for the reason you are here, yet I'm glad you found your way to our forum, and to the caring people here. You are safe here to share your heart and mind. You will be understood and cared for. I am glad you have a dog to love and to be loved by. I believe God sometimes gives us a dog for this very purpose. Some dogs understand much more than they're given credit for. Just the right dog can be a best, and most faithful, friend. Some of us on the forum find much comfort from our dogs (and it's all right to talk to/with them; they're the most agreeable of people). Blessings, Carrie

Dear Butch, I am so sorry to hear you are having still more health problems. You've hurt, and are hurting, so profoundly emotionally and physically (I'm stating the obvious as I struggle to find words). You've had so much to bear before and after your Mary's leaving (I like Fae's word; it's softer). I've wondered how one person can endure so much as you endure. We continue, every day, to pray for you, and to think of you often throughout the day. You are remembered, and all of us here care for you. What Anne said about long-term caregiving is so true, yet even while we are actively taking care of our precious loves, and know that we ourselves are at risk to an unknown degree, like a "Bridge Over Troubled Waters," we do lay ourselves down. We do what we must do as the needs arise, and pray we can somehow stay strong and healthy for our loved one's sake, and then for our own sake. The caregiver's body will give out over time, and this happened to you, as well as to several others here. Your primary goal for now is self-care so that you can feel better, and then perhaps you will be able to do some of the activities you want to do. One-on-one grief counseling can be a tremdous help. I recommend it highly for you, if it is available. My counselor, a psychiatrist, is an hour and a half down the hill from me, so not readily available. Blessings, Carrie

Well-said. Thank you for the article, Marty. I have troubles reading about the death of a child, but I can't talk about that yet. Just know, all right? I've read some of the articles you've posted for others, for some apply to me as well. I've been going through another "dip" due to some changes in our circumstances here, so I appreciate the articles and care. Carrie

At the time, the only discussion I'd ever had about donating body parts was when they ask whether I have any to donate on my driver license, and I'd never heard of "harvesting" them from poor souls on the OR table. That word was just almost too much for me to handle. I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't talk at all. I left no bruising on him, and he didn't leave bleeding, so I was good. I was thankful that Amberly was with me. She had to educate me on hospital language after the nurse left. I did ask the nurse if it would be all right for me to wait in the little chapel located just right behind the chair where I was sitting. He said that I could, but I would miss the doctor for his report.

I was thinking of you just now as I was washing dishes, Kay. I think that you and I graduated from the University of Hard Knocks (not "school of"), and came out wanting to help others, rather than stay as bitter as we once were. I don't know if you suffered bitterness, but I reeked of it until Jerry told me I was a victim, and helped me work from having my "dukes up" (in protectiveness of self) to forgiveness.

I'm not even good at math, but I have been really good at this kind of "tallying," and Kay is right, it hurts only the one doing the tallying. I confess it took me decades to learn this truth. My temperament is melancholic-choleric (heavy on the melancholic), which, for me, means I am sensitive (can keep accurate score when I tally), and have been choleric enough at times to let people know they've not behaved well. Age and experience have taught me that my tallying hurt only me, and that it's in my best interest to say what my needs are (if and when I know what they are), and to end relationships that are no longer good for me. This is "head knowledge," but often too difficult to act upon. I don't let people go easily, so do everything I can to find solutions. In truth, it was only through my forgiving those who hurt me that I've found peace in my soul. Forgiving in no way says that the wrongs are "all right," but that I have chosen to let go of the bitterness that hurt only me (tended to make me angry to realize only I was being hurt). It does mean that I have walked away from some people when solutions could not be found. It is right and good to walk away from "friends" who are not true friends, or when relationships become too painful. I am not an expert here; I'm speaking from only life-experiences, and like Lucy at her psychiatry booth, I can charge only 5 cents (Charles Shultz' Peanuts character). These ladies have advised you well. I wish I had had counseling much earlier in life. I thought I could get back to seeing our counselor long before now, but we have no driver (health issue). Blessings, Carrie

Thank you for sharing your heart with us through your lovely poem, Janka. Carrie

I join others in prayers and thoughts for you today, Fae. I pray all goes well for you today and all days. I'm thankful for your good lab reports. Maybe now you will be able to enjoy more of the things you like to do, and maybe now, our Anne can get back onto her horse again (sounds painful to me; I will just hug the horse's neck, and tell her how lovely she is. The front end of a horse feels safer to me.). Your post touches my heart. Kay, I had been wondering about your truck, and praying you would be able to find a fix for it. I know your need for your truck is great. I am delighted for your good report. Thanks for telling us that your truck is repaired. We give thanks for good friends, don't we? Just about the time we are about to give up, someone shows up. Their showing up is no accident, but you know this already. God doesn't answer our prayers by tossing us loaves of bread; He answers our prayers by sending us friends. I thank you, and all here, for your friendship. We reach out to hold each other up. Thank you, Marty, for providing a place for this to be possible. You are a blessing to multitudes through this forum. I know you hear that a lot, but I needed to tell you again. ❤️ We've been told to expect rain and snow for several days, but until this morning, we had only 11/100ths of an inch of rain from this "storm," according to Jerry's weather station. Early this morning, we heard a roaring similar to the sound of a plane droning on and on. We thought and said, "Surely, that isn't the wind!" Jerry went to Amberly's old room, and opened the window to listen. After being slapped in the face with what must have been a 40 mph-gust, I heard the window being closed quickly. It was indeed the wind roaring just above and among the tree tops. I could not help laughing when I heard the window being closed so fast, and he had to laugh at himself. Jerry noticed that we couldn't see Mt. Lewis, our nearest "hill" to the east. A very fine snow began shortly thereafter, and now, we can see only just beyond our back yard. The snow is swirling and blowing in all directions, being driven by the wind, lost and not knowing which way to go as it looks for a soft bed upon which to rest (something like some of us at times, right?). God is in control of the snow, and He is in control of each of us. He will make a soft bed for the snow, and we will find a soft landing in some ways on some days for us. May God be with each one here today, and may He give each of us a measure of supernatural peace in our hearts today, and then one day at a time, as we place one foot in front of the other--or somewhere near the other foot. Sometimes we stumble or stagger, but we must find our way---in separate places, yet together, as we hold onto each other and hold each other up. Blessings and hugs, Carrie

Dear Memp, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing one's mother is especially hard, so my heart hurts for you. Marty, our moderator and expert, and others on the forum, will be able to help you with information as to how to have your specific needs met better than I. You are so early into grief that you might not yet know what your needs are, and that's all right. I know from personal loss that others will often behave as though your loved one has not died, while you want to scream something like, "Don't you know my mother has died? How can you go on doing everyday things as though she is still alive?" I remember feeling similar to what you describe. It feels surprising that everyone just goes on with life. I remember the hurt and anger I felt, because it felt disrespectful to my loved one and to me. People don't usually mean to be insensitive. Quite often, they just don't know what to say or do, so make mistakes (me included, and I'm sorry for any hurt I ever caused, or may cause). People's behavior must seem even more surprising to you since your mother died unexpectedly. You are adjusting to the idea of her not being with you yourself. Again, I am so sorry that you are hurting. You will find the people here friendly, warm, and welcoming, although sorry for your reason for being here with us. Blessings, Carrie

Anne, Now that I've got a grip and have talked with Jerry regarding your results, I want to shake your doctor. Amberly says that this is standard practice, but it's cruel. Until last year, we had a physician friend who would go "doctor-to-doctor" and get our results for us, but he died of pancreatic cancer not long after staying with me a few weeks in Modesto to give me transportation while Jerry was in the hospital. Amberly is a huge help also, but doesn't have the power of doctor-to-doctor. She used to work for that doctor, so she was telling the truth one time when she called the lab at the hospital for a verbal on her father when she said, "This is Amberly from Dr. R's office. I need a favor, please. You know how families are, and I have this one family asking really often for information. Can you help me out with this, for they're in my face." That was paraphrased, but you will understand. I should tell you that we were in a waiting area a few floors below her father's room when she called the lab. I was sitting right beside her, so I was definitely in her face. The lab was SO understanding of her being bugged by a pushy family, so were happy to accommodate her with Jerry's results. I feel no guilt. We felt a bit desperate, for Jerry had had a 9 1/2 hour heart surgery, and we were getting little information. Amberly could tell that story so much better than I, for she's a bit of a performer. Obviously. One of the nurses came out of OR during that surgery and discussed harvesting body parts with me while Jerry was on the table! That just about did me in. Carrie