Froggie4635

I want to post something before my widow brain forgets exactly what I want to express. I have been doing reading not only about grief, but also the transition. I believe that there are times when our connection to our loved one, in this forum it is our spouses we write about, are not ready to leave. I also believe that it is impossible for them to leave with us there. They simply cannot "walk away" in our presence. There are so many stories shared about our loved one leaving when we leave the room, or the hospital. They love us so much, they need to be alone to take that final step. I truly believe that is what Mark did for me. He was alive when he left our home. He died en-route to the hospital; not so much around strangers, but when he was away from my soul. So don't feel guilty if they passed when you stepped out. Perhaps it was them who needed you to be away, so they could leave. They know we love them...

I finally took some time this morning to catch up on my days in my book, Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss by Ashley Davis Bush. It is really good for keeping the positive thinking going, but also to make sure you know what you are experiencing is NORMAL. The passage that caught my eye today says: "You do not need to know how things will unfold over time. You do not need to know what will be happening next year or how you will get there. You just need to get up today and do the next right thing. Focus on this day, being with the simplicity of each moment, and you will gradually live your way into the future. Today, allow yourself to feel your feet on the floor as you sit and as you walk. Be aware of how the ground supports you with each step." I highly recommend this book. The daily passages are short and can sometimes be just what we need to read to push us past a difficult time.

George, Thank you for your so eloquent way of speaking those thoughts. I will take it to heart, and use your words to try and convince myself to stop being so hard on ME. I am the one person I need to know I can rely on, and I can't continue to weaken that by being so hard on ME. It isn't an easy thing. I will try and keep your words handy and repeat them to myself again and again. Thank you so much... Maryann

Dear Terri, I understand what you are saying. You had your own personal handy man; I did too. When we bought our house, I knew we would be good because Mark was one of those people skilled in taking care of things. He had a genius mind when it came to fixing anything. All I had to do was say I heard a certain noise, or something seemed to be sticking and he would make it right. Now that he is gone, I get concerned about having to pay someone to fix something (not always in my budget, now that I am living only on my income) or asking one of his brothers to step in and help. I wish I could be totally self-sufficient in those regards, but I don't even want to try for fear of making something worse. My confidence has taken a HUGE hit since he died. Your Paul would be proud of how you are continuing to go along. They wanted nothing more than to keep us from worry, or hurt or pain of any kind. But I believe they would understand that this is one of the most difficult things to maneuver; being without the person who we loved, the person who helped us be stronger.

Kay, Sending you a HUG. Maryann

I have decided to reschedule my driving test from this Friday and give myself some more time to practice. I have not rested much this weekend. I am very thankful that I do not have as many pressures on me as all of you. I had my pressures at a time in my life when I did not have to also deal with grief. I have always considered myself a strong person, but have spent my whole life putting myself last (except of course when I moved to Texas). Yesterday showed me I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for Mark to die, but that was beyond my control. My confidence was shaken...what little I had left. I need time to recover.

I'm not quite sure where to put this post. Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. Where I think I should be in this grief journey as opposed to where I ACTUALLY AM. How does one learn not to be hard on yourself? How does one learn to not put so much pressure on oneself? I won't allow myself to believe what I went through with Mark dying, seeing him having a heart attack in front of me, having to give him chest compressions, having his life rely on what I did or how I did something. I know there are only so many answers people can give. This forum is not something that should take the place of meeting with a professional. But, and this sounds really odd, but when I went to see my therapist, the damaged me was not always the person who went. The functioning, have it together Maryann always walked into the office. I thought that was who went to the driving instruction yesterday. To my surprise, it wasn't. There were a lot of factors going on. While out driving the course, the instructor was acting like an instructor, but the sensitive me began to cower. Perhaps he was getting frustrated with me; it was a very tense situation inside my head. He was trying to get me to do something that was physically impossible, positioning myself to back up the car. It wasn't my car. These cars have a brake on the passenger side as well for instruction. Well, he told me I was stepping on the brake too much and it caused the double braking system to override things. He kept telling me to take my foot off the brake, and it wasn't on it. He took me step by step through the process, but when it came time for me to just do it, I couldn't remember what he had told me. Have I gotten too sensitive to everything? I am not trying to make excuses or feel sorry for myself. When I sit in my car, and think about driving, I don't feel nervous. I can visualize myself doing it. But I've lost so much confidence, more than I realize. How does that return or is it damaged for good? You are my family and I value what you say.

Well, I am now a basket case. I don't know if I am mentally ready to take my test. I don't know if it is my widow brain, or if the instructor made me uneasy or if I am just not ready yet. He was instructing me on how to parallel park, and as long as he was doing it step by step, I had it. But when he said. "okay, do it" I couldn't remember what step was first. And that made me feel like a failure. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I paid $180 for the two hour course. I am more afraid of failing the test than being a bad driver. Everyone thinks this is so easy. I know it is something I need to do. What I hate most is what grief has done to my brain.

I guess part of this post has something to do with hope in this new life. Today I am taking a step to a new independent life. This morning at 7:30 I am meeting with an instructor that is going to help me prepare to take my driving test. You have no idea how very terrifying this is. I have been afraid to drive all my life. I know it is a step I HAVE to take. I need to get out from under the reliance on others...especially my mother in law. She is a very sweet women, but a control freak. I know she loves me like a daughter, and that is a good thing. But it is hard to be a private person when she sees me everyday and is a big part of my life. I know she isn't ready to let that go; I am her last connection to her son. I was hoping for something new to hold on to. I had found a couple rolls of film in Mark's camera bag and had been wanting to get them developed. I figured it would be pictures of some family event; but hoped there might be a new photo of Mark I could have. Another memory. Instead, I only got one roll back (the other must have been unused) and on it were pictures of an old girlfriend...and a few family pictures from many years before I met him. Part of me felt crushed. The few family shots that were there, I gave to his mom. There were photos of Mark's dad in there; at least his mom got something new to have. It is a hard realization that the life I had is gone and there will be no more of it. All that from a roll of film.

Dear Karen, So very profound. I think I am going to print it out and add it to my collection of articles and writings that I go to when I feel the need to be understood. I wish everyone got this, but then that would mean that so many people would be experiencing a pain that is beyond description. I hate being told to not let it possess so much of your life (sadness). But then there are people who are amazed at how I have made it through. With less fog in my life as in the beginning, it is now about dealing with the aftermath of change. When I process what you wrote, and as I sit here writing these words, the tears come. Do I now prefer to read the sad things or watch the sad shows? You can't ignore the emotions. You can put them aside for a bit, but grief is ever present. Thank you for sharing this, Karen. It is very beautifully written.

Yes Mitch, it does. I was always the one who was prodding Mark along when some things needed done (or something that I wanted done). There is no one around now who cares...the dogs don't care how much hair is on the floor, or if mommy sleeps on the mattress without putting on a fitted sheet. Sometimes making a decision is one of the most overwhelming things to do.

Procrastination is a very good word to describe this...I feel no urgency to do more than is necessary to keep life moving along. Making decisions used to be so easy. Now I hate them. People always want to be nice and ask me where I want to go, or what do I want to do. I tell them I don't really care. I am happier to just tag along with someone as be the person who leads the way. Most times I get to where I "wanted" to go and find no reason to be there. It is a big chore to buy groceries. Mark and I used to go and he would plan meals and purchase what we needed. I would just fill it in with the other stuff we might like. The things Ana says are so true. It takes so much energy to keep focus on my job; my pace is slower so that I don't make mistakes. If I have too many interruptions, my whole day just falls apart because I can't pick up where I had been.

Dear Mitch, On my desk at work, I keep three books that I try and read every day. The one I found this quote from is "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It goes as follows: These times of grieving the loss of a loved one are times of change. It is as though we leave forever a room where we have been comfortable and functioning well, and enter a new room. Some of the same furnishings are there, and some of the same people, but the room is different none the less and requires a whole new adaptation from us - and, probably, from the others in the room with us. We have choices. We can hide in a corner, covering, unwilling to look around. We can tear around mindlessly, looking for an escape, though we know there is none. Or we can look around, see where the windows are and where doors open into the future, for the door we came through is closed. We can look for people who can help us - and begin to attend to this life, day by day. "Slowly, and with some ambivalence, I will begin to experience the new in my life."

Dear Cookie... I understand about the confidence thing. About two years before Mark died, I changed departments within our agency. I used to work in the membership part, and was very out front and first line for people interested in our organization. It was a burn-out position. I got overlooked for a promotion when my boss got promoted, and they hired someone else to come in and be my boss...someone I had to train. Anyway, I moved to the accounting office and I adore my job now. I have a routine, and know what needs done at what time of the month. But I am no where near as confident any longer. Staff meetings are a nightmare for me, especially those that require group participation. I am more nervous now. I know I am more than capable, ut I don't trust my memory or my thought process any more. It was like someone took my old brain and replaced it with one that can't function the same. It is so annoying and scary sometimes. I have to write down so much. I have a pocket calendar to keep track of when my bills need paid, and there are times I still miss the payments by a day or two. I have always been a person who was ON TOP OF THINGS....and that person is gone. I have no idea how to get her back.

Dear Gwen, Ana, Joyce... I agree. I know Mark was no saint. He was never anything but a gentleman towards me, but the things he did to himself...smoke, drink, are all things I will remember. Before we were married, and a couple times afterwards, he went off the deep end and just lost who he was to whatever he couldn't handle at that time. But loving him meant loving each and every part of who he was. He struggled with his self-esteem, and many times he would ask me why I married him. Those qualities weren't ideal, but they were part of Mark...and I loved him. I remember the morning I got the call that my dad had died, and all he wanted to do was take away my hurt. I remember the night after our big staff luncheon, how proud he was of me. Even though I complained about it, I miss his snoring. There was no denying any part of his personality. What I think of most are the evenings sitting on the swing in the yard, watching our favorite shows, how much I looked forward to his phone calls...to hear his voice; the voice of the man who loved ME like no one ever had. He was my true partner, and it is so hard to be without him. It is not just a loneliness. It is not a hole that anyone else can fill. He was the first person who really loved me; not for anything I had done for him, or because he settled for me. He was so smart, and I know he wanted to give me the world. But I told him often...it wasn't what he could get for me....it was what he gave freely to me. His heart. Of course there were times I got irritated at him; when he made poor choices. We respected each other, and not once did he lose mine. Sometimes I wish I would go back into that fog, where the pain was subdued and numb.

This week finds me so on edge...but cannot put my finger on the cause. I left work yesterday feeling like I had drank 5 cups of coffee; ready to come out of my skin. Today is not much better, but I am focusing a little better. Part of me really wishes I would have taken more time off when Mark died. But I was in such a fog for the entire year, that nothing really got to me. Now it feels like my mind is racing between all sorts of thoughts. I had put all sorts of reminders of my grief journey all over my desk...quotes and pictures I had printed out from Pinterest. Well, I removed them all and decided to use my creativity to put them in book form as an aid for my journaling. Part of me wants to separate from the grief; part of me is feeling more in love with my husband than when he died...it isn't possible because I loved him more than myself. Part of me feels like I am sitting idle...which as an Aries, drives me crazy. I feel like a spinning top. I know however I am feeling is okay...but I can't put into words what is going on. Could it all be because I am approaching the day I am to take my driving test (05/20)? My focus is just all over the place.

Dear Mitch... I completely understand how you are feeling today. When my birthday came in March, people really want to make it be special...but nothing really can make it be special to us with the one that we love no longer here. I made a point of telling my supervisor that I would go ahead with the birthday lunch, but asked that there be no candles to make wishes on. There is only one wish that I know of...and all the wishing in the world won't make that happen. Just follow your own advice today, Mitch and be good to yourself. If you are not feeling well, then rest and pamper. I know I can speak for everyone here in the group that we are glad to have your friendship.

I did my best to lay low on Mother's Day. I lost my mom in 1999 after a short battle with cancer (from when it was found to the day she died was 11 days). She had suffered a stroke 12 years previous, and it was my job as the unmarried daughter to take care of most of her needs. When I went back to work, some of those duties fell on my father. It wasn't an easy 12 years. I loved my mom, but our relationship was never a warm, loving one. I learned to forgive her while I became her caregiver. She learned from her mother, and it wasn't a loving relationship either (she never talked about it). The thing that always made it worse, was that she adored her older sons (she remarried and I was raised with her sons; my half-brothers). She showered them with all the love I waited for my entire life. So, since she passed, I would honor her on Mother's Day because she was my mom. But I hadn't had the sadness before that I had this year. My older brother posted a picture of her on Facebook, and it stabbed me in the heart. Of course he has such warm and wonderful memories of her...he got the mother I wanted. This is the second Mother's Day since Mark died, and seeing that picture made me REALLY miss her. I grieved for her when she had her stroke; that was when I really lost her, and I became the parent. So now I am glad that Mother's Day is done and won't hear about it again until next year.

There are certain items that belonged to Mark that I want to give to his brothers (he has 5). Mostly it is his camping stuff, fishing stuff, and his tools. Much of it was things he had/did before we met. I guess I don't have a personal feeling about them. I do know that he would not want these things to sit idle...he would want them used. And I could NEVER sell anything that belonged to him. There is one thing that belongs to him that is not yet in this house...his piano. It is at his mom's house and I will not feel peace until it is here. I have asked his brother twice to see how we could get it here, but they are all so busy with their lives. I want it to be his final resting place; the place where his ashes sit. He loved tinkering on it...playing bits of pieces of music he knew. I am not normally a patient person, and I don't like to ask numerous times for someone to help with something. I am probably going to have to hire someone to move it here. Then that gets into making sure his mom is going to be okay with someone coming in and doing that. I told Mark we should have it moved here when we bought this house. I haven't done anything with his shower either. Everything is still as it was the last time he used it. I know I need to make a will, but that is where the problem comes. I have no children. I have a nephew, but my brother is not interested in being an active part of my life. Mark had a big family, but they aren't MY family. There isn't anyone that I know that would be interested in any of my belongings, or this house. The only thing I have done was make a verbal agreement with a close friend that if anything happens to me, that he find a home for my fur babes. Most times your executor is your children or close kin. I know it is something that I need to do. If I lived in an apartment, I wouldn't care.

Dear Fabian, I am so sorry for your sudden loss. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack 17 months ago. I was in a huge fog of shock for probably the first 15 months...there is still a little residual shock. I don't have any family here where I live; my work colleagues are my family. The man who runs the center where I work is a most compassionate man, and he arranged for me to meet with a grief counselor, if I wished to do so. He had a background in social work and I think knew a little more about what I could possibly need. He made sure I knew it wasn't mandatory that I go. It took me a little while to decide to go, but I was glad I did. I only went for like 6 weeks, because the counselor was set for retirement. But those six weeks really helped. I am still working on giving myself permission to feel what I need to feel and grieve as I need to grieve, without judgments or advice from those who do not have a clue what this is like. I recently tried a loss of spouse support group, but it was too intense and I wasn't comfortable. The only advice I will give is to be gentle with yourself. Rest as much as you can, and talk. We are kind of like a family here, and understand what your loss is all about. Come here and write your feelings, or ask questions and let the answers sit with you. Let those who are around you give you the support you need.

Dear Mitch, That touched my soul. When Mark and I got married, we worked together on the ceremony. We did not get married in a church, but we did get married by a priest. I was not raised any particular denomination, but Mark was raised Catholic (though he wasn't practicing). It was important to his mom to have some element of the church. When it came to readings done, I let him choose those. He knew the Bible back and forth. There were special things I wanted to be a part of it. How I wish I would have known about this poem, because it really signifies what we were all about. I am going to print it out and add it to the book I put together about him. Thank you so much for sharing.

Dear Mitch... What you say resonates with me, too. When I sit quietly (which I don't do too often because it is SO hard), and the idea of never seeing Mark again in this lifetime is so overwhelming. He always was MY knight in shining armor. There was no one more on my side, more willing to protect or do anything he could for me. And he was MY chance to do the same. I do not even talk about my loss with many people any longer; mostly just here. Last night was a big night on Grey's Anatomy, and the one person who was as excited about it as me...is gone. And I feel alone. Like you, I miss Mark's sense of humor...to hear him laugh was the warmest sound in the world. Like this post says...it hurts SO bad.

Dear Ladies... I haven't thought about doing anything to beautify myself since Mark and I met. I would put make up on for special occasions, but for work it was mostly just lipstick (my lips get so chapped easily). In the Houston heat and humidity, makeup has a way of working itself into places that are not very attractive. I decided the last time I colored my hair was the LAST time I was going to do it. I got myself a perm in February, simply so I wouldn't have to wash/style my hair as frequently. Once the portion that still has old color on it gets cut off, I am hoping that the grey just takes over. My very dark eyebrows are now constantly looking faded because of all the white hairs that grow there. What I wear to work is not stylish; it is comfortable. I don't have to deal with the public. I, too, like the Burt's Bees Shimmer. It gives a little color and keeps my lips from chapping. The last time I put make up on my face was for Mark's service. Right now I want my outward appearance to reflect just what my inner world is feeling. I don't think I am not worth the effort; I just don't feel I need to add color to the mask I wear. Not too long before Mark died, I decided I wanted to be a redhead. I had done it LONG ago, and it is a lot of upkeep, but I did it. It was funny to look at him looking at me with red hair. He seemed really interested in being married to a redhead. I can still remember him saying in his boisterous way, " I LIKE it." I didn't do it for HIM, but he really liked it. I know a lot of my attitude has to do with the weight I have put on since we got married, and now my non-interest in doing anything about it. I can't put myself through any drastic change in how I am eating....so many times it is all that comforts me. Finding anything that gives me comfort is tough.

All my life I was never one to have a lot of friends. My mom worked afternoon shift, so my school years were tied to helping take care of my brother and my dad. There weren't any extra curricular activities. I had one true best friend, who was three years older than I was. We were more like sisters. I always was included in things she did with her friends (within reason...after all I WAS younger). There were times in my life when she was more like a mom than my friend. Her family was more loving towards me than my own. Anyway, I've never been someone who liked having a lot of friends. I have many close friendships from work, but not "let's get together" type of relationships. Mark's family is HUGE. There were 9 brothers and sisters, spouses and children. Any get together can grow to 50 - 70 people. I would never deny him the chance to spend time with them, but were times when I didn't want to go. Mark and I did not socialize with outsiders. We had our own friends we would do things with...but we mostly just wanted to be just us. Now that he is gone, I really am not good at socializing. It is tiring. I love having my best friend come over on the weekends, but when she goes, I am so tired. And family gatherings are very overwhelming. Too much noise (all those young children) and not really fitting into conversations...kinda like the third wheel. I know they want to include me, but frankly, I most times prefer not. It just makes me miss Mark more to be around his family, but not really being a part of his family. My dogs are my company. I have a great work life...love my job and the people who are around me. My mind has so many things it wants to sort through and I can't do that and socialize. Being at home keeps me close to Mark.

Dear Cookie... I'm sorry that those closest to you that could help aren't willing/ready to be there. I used to belong to a Yahoo group, but found it hard to deal with all the different scenarios, and some cases of someone really needing professional help seeking it through emails. There is one lady who I have continued to correspond with and I feel she is there for me as much as I am for her. This forum has been the best therapy for me. We are glad you count us as friends and we are here to help you make your way along your journey.