iPraiseHim

Jon, I am stunned just reading about all of the loss, pain and sorrow in your life. As men we are taught to be strong and "man up". I pray that you will allow yourself to just feel, express and let out all of this. Writing to my wife regularly has helped me to get these thoughts out of my head. I've experienced deep loss and by God's grace I found this place to share and let out what I'm feeling even when I'm not quite sure what it is i am feeling. Grief is a process and each one of us deals with it in our own unique way and yet in this group there is a common bond. I don't have answers. I usually just read the new posts each day and pray accordingly. It also helps me to read about others. But your post touched my heart. People here do care about you and will listen. My wife died 138 days ago. We were married for over 25 years. Keep coming back and share, listen, learn and take care of yourself. Many people in this group cared for me in my darkest hours. I have learned that grief is a process that helps me to deal with the loss of my wife. I am still in Shock and Awe. Only beginning to learn how to live each day without my wife's physical presence. Take care of yourself; eat, sleep, rest, learn, seek help, grow, live a day at a time. Shalom

Update: Two weeks ago, I had a grief setback. It was as if I was reliving the whole sudden death experience of my wife. I thought I was managing life okay and then sunk back in to a dark time of the heart.I still worked, prayed and kept moving forward but the heavy feeling of life really dragged me down. Then, by life circumstance, I was off for three full days in a row. I just unplugged, relaxed, slept, and rested. I'm usually always trying to work more hours, fill my schedule with work, to work while I'm still able. Instead, I just relaxed. I realize I have not taken a vacation in 8 years. Either to busy working or taking care of my disabled wife for the last six years. On Monday, I felt better and have a better mental perspective. I'm more accepting of the fact that no matter how much I wish we could be together still, it is not reality and is not going to happen from this point forward. Instead, I've been counting my blessings of all of the years that God granted us to be together. We both know how much we love each other. Others have affirmed our love. I know what it is like to be loved and it gives me a glimpse of God's love for his children. I have a full and busy week of work. And I'm trying to learn how to live each day better and more focused on what really matters. This is an interesting time of transition in grief. Instead of trying to figure out and anticipate what will come, I'm striving to focus more on God and showing God's love by serving others. God will supply all of my needs according to His riches and Glory and in His time. I will continue to pray for all who are experiencing Grief and that God will guide you to His truth and Love. Shalom

That is Good news! the inner working of a Church can get quite messy because we are all still sinners. I'm glad it has turned for God's favor and your good.

Lori, I am praying for you as well. My wife passed in February. She was disabled for six years and then died suddenly. I too, found my wife dead, when I came home from work. It was totally unexpected. I can not unsee that. The feelings you experience are normal in the grief process. I'm honored to read your post and how you are taking care of your children. It's okay to be angry at God. I met my wife much later in life and expected to live happily every after into our sunset years. I'll be praying that you find your way. It helps me to come hear to read about others going through this grief. It is a club no one signed up for yet we are bonded together. Few people in the world understand the pain and loss we experience. Come back and share here. It is safe and there is so much good genuine support here. Please know we care. Shalom

I too, acknowledge your pain and grief. I feel like I should be further along. Its easy to judge myself harshly because of my own self expectations. When my wife died, my whole world flipped. By Gods grace I found this safe haven where I can read and pray for others like you and not feel like I'm being judged. Our feelings are our own. I change my mind frequently because my life is different now and I'm rediscovering the I in we. My wife and I were together, united as one for over 25 years. Her heart is intertwined in mine. Now although her physical presence is gone, she is still a part of me. I don't have answers and the pain at times seems unbearable. Yet I wake up each day to face whatever life brings me. It helps me to know there are others out here like me, grieving the loss of our spouses. Grief is personal and intimate just like my personal relationship with my wife. I'm working on focusing just on this day and to write down accomplishments I've made. It is for me to review and remember on those days when I feel like my life is unraveling. Please know that there are many here who read your posts and walk along side of you on your journey, Hang in there. Remember to get enough sleep, exercise and eat to nourish your body. It helps me to journal to my wife even though I usually end up crying. I miss her so much. I look forward to the time when we will be together again. Shalom

Praying for you Butch. I'm at over 4 months and the pain of loss is getting worse for me as well. It must be the grief we are allotted. I loved my wife deeply as I'm sure you do as well. I miss my wife deeply. And don't know how to move forward with this deep emotional pain. I have withdrawn from a few activities as it just makes more sense to be alone with myself. I read in psalms about the dark heart of the soul. I can only trust the Lord will show me the way through and that I am a quick learner. I thought I would be coping better than I am. I'm praying for you Butch while dealing with my own grief. Shalom

I agree KayC. I don't post as often as i should but I try to keep up with the posts. At this point in my journey, I realize most people lives have moved on and not really that affected by her death. The exception is a few people and this group. It is almost like an alter universe but it is my reality in walking with/through grief. A few moments life almost feels normal and then moments later I'm body slammed by some feeling, memory or emotion. At times, losing my wife to death still takes my breath away. I still get up and live each day to the fullest and hopefully to glorify God. I am so thankful for this group.

Tomorrow will be four months, 120 days since my beloved wife. Rose Anne, was called home by God. It also happens to be my fathers birthday (83). I'm not precisely sure how to categorize how I'm dealing with grief. Some days are really tough and others are so busy with work there is little time to think. Loneliness and loss of companionship still hits hard. I have to really fight not shutting down and just isolating. My life is so different now. I'm also facing the fact my wife has been disabled for the last six years and I took care of her. I loved her so it wasn't work or a burden. It was a joy to me. but all of that is gone now. I really believed she was going to get better but the reality was she was dying a little more each day. She is healed now and restored. I'm trying to sort out the feelings, reality, facts and truth. I don't have the drive I need to grow this business as I did before. Before I was doing it for US. There is no US now on this earth. Someday we will be together again. I still love my bride deeply. Dragonflies remind me of her. I watched her pet a dragonfly. It was absolutely mesmerizing. I love you sweetheart Shalom

Mitch, Believe me, I feel your pain. in two days it will be four months since my beloved bride passed away. I was lonely before her and know I'm lonely again. The pain comes in waves and seems to be worse this month than last. I try to remember the good times because there were so many. I make a list of all the things I am grateful for and meditate on them when I'm down. My wife loved me so greatly, so deeply, and so completely. I choose to remember the good while still facing the reality of her death. From my perspective I don't see a great future ahead but I trust that others in this group have already traveled the road I'm on. Although each one is unique and different, there is still a common thread in this group. We loved our spouses deeply. and we grieve deeply. There is a reason and purpose for all of this but I'm too deep in the forest of grief to see it from my level. I trust that others here will pray, help, encourage and love us through the path each of us needs to travel. I can only do this one day at a time. I hurt, I grieve, I cry, and I continue to move forward by God's grace one day at a time. I do better when I focus on God, trusting He will never leave me nor forsake. Me. It feels like at time's God has left, but Satan is the father of all lies. So I choose this day to believe Christ alone. "Lord I believe, help my unbelief". Praying for you, Mitch, for you to find your way. Shalom

It has been 111 days since God called my wife home. And I'm not quite sure how to assess my life at this time. It feels like I am in between two worlds. My wife's death departure and today. My mind knows she is not physically present yet my heart still looks for her. I have been down lately fighting this dark cloud yet I am still trying to move forward in this world. I did get some relief and the dark clouds lifted for awhile when I started reading and meditating on Psalms. 6,10,13,14, 19 minister to me right now. I have started to perform some service work to give back to others and even went to the Church Brunch today while at the same time, I was trying to talk myself out of. It was an awkward time because the person I sat next to innocently asked, " Are you alone or waiting for your wife?" I answered YES to both questions. The people are nice enough but there is a church lady that continues to try to volunteer me for work since she knows I'm a widower. My body pains are a little less today. I'm okay and still trying to figure out where I fit in in this circle of life. I was more motivated to work and expand my business when there was an "US". Right now I just do not have the drive for it (though I know I should). Curious coincidence. This week, I attended an "Anxiety/Depression" conference and ran into a pastor of the church I left four years ago, because he had created much anxiety and drama . The pastor was polite, cordial, and said some comforting things about my wife and my care for her. It was just an odd thing to happen this week. I guess I'm trying to figure out what other "grief work" I need to do. I still don't like and I'm not at peace with my present life. I still miss my precious wife. Shalom

Although my wife's birthday was a rough day, my birthday the following week was much better. My thoughtful, caring sister planned, cooked and presented a wonderful dinner, cake, and ice cream. The additional surprise was her daughter traveled 5 hours with her two young children to celebrate. The simple pleasures of playing kick the ball with a 2 and 6 year old really puts life in perspective. Children really live in the moment. It was fun to be with family. My sister made my favorite cake, German Chocolate and even had 6 candles to blow out. (60 candles are two many to blow and would melt the cake and elevate the room temperature. My sister also gave me a book that highlights most of the major changes I have seen in my life. All in all a good day of new memories of family. Today, 5 days, later is my sisters birthday. My Dad planned and we went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I asked my sister what she wanted for her birthday and she told me about some cookies that can be baked in the oven. Three day's ago I attempted to bake the cookies but my oven wasn't working so I asked one of my clients if I could use their oven to bake the cookies. They graciously said yes, so I brought in all the supplies needed and baked them while I was cleaning their home. ( My sister said, when they came home they probably wondered why their home smelled like grandmas home.) It was a pleasant evening with family. I was fine at Cracker Barrel until I got ready to leave. Suddenly, all of these memories of my wife and I going to Cracker Barrel came flooding in. My wife loved Cracker Barrel and we have several mementos from there. I have learned to stay clear of certain places were we frequented because of the memories. A friend, suggested I venture out and eat at a restaurant alone. I did try that near my wife's birthday and thought I could handle it but realize there were too many good memories of us dining together. Maybe someday, but for now, the memories are still too fresh and raw. I did come a cross an article that covered the christian perspective of grief that was very comforting to me. "The numbing effect of grief is a way to have a long goodbye. It gives me time to adjust to a new reality. It is the emotional anesthesia which gives me time to process what has happened." and Rick Thomas says, " One of the most amazing things about the word of God is the assurance we get from Him is that all of our tears and sorrows will be wiped away" He goes on to say, " I don't know how He is going to do it, but I believe Him." I went into my wife's craft room to find a gift bag for my sisters gifts. I built the tables and shelves for her in her craft room and she enjoyed doing many crafts projects. All the memories flooded in and I don't know what to do with all of that stuff. She was a crafty lady!. I don't need to make a decision on that right now. I have plenty of repairs and other rooms to work on still. It's only been three months since my wife died, and I notice there are two worlds that are intermingled. The here and now and the memories of the past. Her day of passing marked a special moment in time. I meet my wife, suddenly one day, May 2nd, 1988. We had both prayed about it just prior to the meeting date. My life changed in the twinkling of an eye. Then, on February 16th, 2015, suddenly, my wife was called home by God. " The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord" It was not my plan but I trust that God knows what is best for the both of us. My wife loved movies. in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" there is a line that says, You need to get busy living or get busy dying". He was dealt a harsh unjust sentence. For me and my journey, moving forward is to live in the moment each day pursuing God. I will still have all of these wonderful memories. She is in my heart and part of my soul. I learned so much about life and love and we enjoyed a loving, beautiful relationship and marriage for over 25 years. Thank you God, for such a wonderful partner and helpmate. I will still grief but as many have already said in these forums. It is a journey and a process, and it is work. I pray each day that I can chose to live for Christ, lay my burdens at the feet of the cross and follow where He leads me. I pray for everyone on this journey. None of us volunteered or signed up for this. But God must know we are strong enough to endure with God's mercy and grace. I still experience anxiety and grief. I am not healed or delivered. You'll notice its' 3:00 am I could not sleep so I come to this forum to read, pray, listen, learn, and grow and share. I pray everyone finds their way through, one day at a time. Shalom

Brian, My wife of 25 years died three days before yours. My wife's presence in my life made me the happiest man in my world. I miss her presence so bad. we didn't meet each other until almost 33 yrs old, but what a great, happy and lovely life together. I'm on the same wave as you, just a little different boat. I don't have any answers. All I know is to come here shed my thoughts and tears, learn to take care of myself each day( especially when I don't want to) and move forward each day. My life without my precious wife is still a void. The pain is so raw and real. I know to love deeply , (we who are left behind) will grieve deeply. I don't see any goodness in this pain, but people tell me here, somehow life will somehow be able to cope better. I just come , listen, read , and share when I am able. I'll be praying for you to find your way through. Shalom

I too, understand. I finally put a drawer away that my wife used for her supplies, panties, creams, powders, lotions, etc. I was okay until I put them away and the drawer back in place. It's been three months and This month of May, I'm reminded of so many memories with my beloved wife. Our birthdays are only a week apart but this year they might as well be a year. The pain of loss is so profound. I'll have a good day and get slammed with a reality check the next day. It just feels like I;m doing time, no joy. I miss my wife so much. My heart still aches for her. I don't see the light hill, or tunnel. My only joy now is the anticipation of seeing my beloved bride in Heaven when God calls me home. I will pray for you Mitch.

Today marks three months since my wife, Rose Anne died. Vivid memories of finding her lifeless body when I came home from work haunts me more and more. Tonight there was a local annual fireworks display that reminded me of better times when we would watch and enjoy them together. Each month since she passed seems to hit me harder and harder. Tomorrow would have been her 60th birthday. No cards, no celebration, no special meal. Just a stark reminder that she is gone and I am alone. Life is getting harder to live day by day. I don't see hope or a future. I'm just doing time.

Can't sleep. I've tied several times. I keep waking up. This month is so full of memories. The three month death anniversary of my wife, Rose Anne, on the 16th and her birthday on the 17th. She would have turned sixty. I turn sixty one week later. We always had a good time planning some fun and meal together. Today I went to the grocery store and bought a bottle of wine. I was carded at another store a few months ago. I dared the cashier to "card me" and she said well you look over 21. I asked her to guess my age. She said I look like I'm 35. Most people guess 45. When i told her I will be 60 in two weeks, she said, "shut up!." I showed her my id and then she said you move good for someone turning 60! Strange day. I have felt better today. More at peace with the reality of my wife's death, but the ups and downs are still extreme. I miss her presence, her expressions of love, her voice, her smile. Well, I'm going to go back to bed to get a couple of hours sleep. I have a full work day tomorrow and the rest of the week including Saturday. Thanks for listening. Shalom

well, I spoke too soon! The whiplash to despondency is quick. I really hate this part of the roller coaster ride of grief. I've learned today not to go shopping during these times. I've already made a couple of costly decisions. I think I will just recoil and try to sleep this phase off. Hopefully, Monday will be a better day.

I'm praying for comfort and peace for you. My mother's name is Lois. She passed away seven years ago. Mothers day reminds me that she's not here. Since, my wife passed away, I'm reminded more of my MOM and younger brother passing. My the Lord bless and comfort you and bring up all of the good memories to fill your days and nights. Shalom

Today, is the first day since my wife passed away (81 days ago), that I experienced joy. I claim it is by the Grace of God and many prayers of family and friends. I felt almost as normal as before she died. It is a great sense of calm. Like life , everything is a cycle. I met with one of my pastors this afternoon to clear up a misunderstanding and that went well. I still struggle with taking care of myself. It is so easy to slip into old patterns. Today, instead of feeling broken and crushed, I felt more mended and whole. It's a brand new experience. I don't want to over think it . I sensed that my wife was more "with" me (in my heart) and I could see her smile at me. I have not read or heard this happening to anyone before. I still miss her physical presence and so much look forward to the day when God calls me home. I'm so excited to see heaven, but I also realize everything happens in God's time, season, and reason. I can see so many blessings in our life together (almost 26 years) and so I look forward to God's plans for the rest of my life. God's grace is sufficient. Shalom

More memories of first days, first kiss, first hug, etc... Today is also my Mom's birthday. She passed away 7 years ago and there have been no Mothers day celebrations since she died. This is a good day for other GOOD memories but I'm aware that memories are in the past and I can not live there too long. I love my wife dearly but now she is somewhat frozen in the past. I have been remembering the day I found her lifeless body when I came home and screamed, " No GOD , please not today!" When I called 911 apparently my voice was so high pitched the operator thought I was a female. I was truly SHOCKED and remember saying awe God did she really have to die Today?" I remembering covering her with the blanket because she felt cold. I've been having trouble sleeping again so I'm going back to the routine that helps me to relax and optimizes my sleep. I've realized that i need to MOVE Forward with life. I still cry, get angry and shout in the house sometimes when I get frustrated. Sometimes people will let you down. Even people with the best intentions. The comfort of this place is that people here listen, and are either going through grief in one form or another. I would of never chosen this path because i like to avoid pain. But I 'm blessed to know my precious wife doesn't have to go through this. I had a dear friend assure me that my wife didn't suffer and I did everything I could to make here life comfortable. She was disabled and too weak to work for six years. In fact, she died exactly six years from the date that she said she was too weak to go to work.(FEB 16, 2009-FEB 16, 2015) So I'm trying to get up each day, pray , study, work, eat, take care of myself and focus more on Christ and less on myself. And when these feelings come, (as they always do) I will just feel them and move forward. So as others have said, I'm not over grief. I'm just learning how to live with it. I'm also learning to incorporate some of my wife's better character traits.... its my goal. Thanks for listening, and I'm praying for all of the newly grieving spouses. It's a club nobody signs up for or chooses, but we all learn to deal with this life adjustment, soul separating ordeal, one day at a time! Shalom

I can relate on many levels. I turn 60 this month and so does my beloved bride just one week before me. This second month of grief seems even harder. The first two weeks where like a neutron bomb( kills people but leaves buildings and things intact) went off in my life. Now the emotional pain is so raw and real. It still stops my breathing at times. This month we celebrated many firsts in our relationship and now they are all past and "lasts". I'm choosing, ( by God's grace) to Move Forward in my life and attempt to live in each day, as today unfolds. I stumble and fall, but I continue to strive to live for Christ more each day and try to focus less on my selfish wants. As much as I wish, they won't bring my beloved bride back. I still cry, breakdown, meltdown. It is the hardest thing I've had to do; to live without my soul-mate. I experienced such joy with my wife for almost 26 years. I hated being single before I met Rose Anne. and now,(in some ways), I'm back in the same place as before. Only now, I DID experience true deep love where before I just wished it would happen. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I know who brings tomorrow. So I will walk by faith and experience God's grace another day. I pray, Mitch, that you will be encouraged. I'm praying for your comfort and restoration. Shalom

I have still been struggling and grieving for my wife. It seems like it never stops. Tomorrow, May 2, is the 27th year anniversary of the day I met my precious wife. That day changed my life in so many ways. She brought such joy to my life on a daily basis. I miss "us" so much. I hated being single and alone and i don't like it any better now. Life feels like I'm doing time but I don't know what my crime was. Everyone thinks I'm doing better. (Who wants to see a grown man cry!) I am trying to understand the purpose in all of this emotional suffering. I am blessed with a good career, home, food, church etc... . It is difficult to see what good can come out of all this. May is a rough month with first memories, birthdays and special times together. I am just praying to accept life as it is and do God's will. This is a dark time in this season of life. Shalom

Rough day. Tomorrow will be ten weeks, seventy days since my wife died. I miss her in so many ways. The person who I thought understood about grieving the loss of spouse has decided to "move on" and says I should do the same. I'm readjusting my expectations of other people. I find I do better when I focus on Christ than on what I'm missing or lacking. More of God and less of me and my wants and desires. I would like to feel better some day about all of this. It feels like I'm just doing time for some reason. Life is numbing and lonely. I found out the weekly care group will stop meeting after May until the fall. oh goody. My Good news is my teeth are cleaned and gums are healing but the dentist found another cavity because I told them the dental floss was hanging between a couple of my teeth. I need another $1,600 to get cavities fixed, a crown and root canal. Also, a friend from church has built some porch rails and repaired the porch rails so my home looks and feels better. There is much more to repair. I get down thinking about it because my income is limited. I'm still having some issues with my feet, muscles, and pain issues. It is suppose to get better right? I pray so. Shalom

Jeffrey, I am praying that God will give you what you need to cope during this difficult time. I found my wife dead 61 days ago. It was so unexpected. I'm thankful I found this safe haven of love and support of friends who care. I was thrust into this when God called my wife home. I pray you will learn to take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, moderate food plan, and share with us ( when you are ready) about your precious wife. Breath. Move. Rest. Repeat. Shalom.

The meeting last night was good. It is not a grieving group it is a christian fellowship group. I arrived early so I had a chance to visit with a dear friend who lost her husband eight years ago. He died suddenly in his sleep. She knew Rose Anne so we reminisced of happier ties when my wife was more vibrant and healthy. She says she still thinks of her husband every day. And she reminded me how we both know were genuinely loved by our spouses. It is a good memory. I'm feeling more detached today because of another person that we connected because of grief but they decided to withdraw contact for awhile. I was able to eat on of "our favorite meals" today. It was the first time I felt like I wanted to eat this meal since my wife died. My life still just feels off kilter. I'm still missing my wife so much! I wonder if I will ever feel "normal" or just not grieving most every day. Loneliness is bad. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

I am having a real tough day today. Tomorrow will be two months since my wife died. Thinking about it still takes my breath away. I thought i was doing better. coping better but some of the decades old feeling of depression is trying to creep back in my life now. I really don't like being lonely and alone. In my job, I work alone. Just a sad time right now. There is a care group meeting tomorrow night. Hopefully, something to look forward to. I still don't like all these bad feelings either. Shalom