iPraiseHim

Interesting Kayc. I have been craving homemade chicken soup and I finally made some tonight. It was as delicious and refreshing as i imagined. I felt so tired but something inside but I pushed to just fix it anyway. I had to work Saturday and Sunday to finish a job before the clients returned home. Tonight, I interviewed someone to possibly hire and called another work partner prospect but they never answered or called back. Today, two more people inquired about employment. I have another busy week ahead and possibly Saturday work again (Halloween Day) I need the extra income to pay for dental work and other repairs. I just need to keep up my stamina and health. I haven't forgot about writing about my weekend retreat as it was a fabulous time of rest and refreshment. Thankfully, I made notes to jog my memory. I'm also pondering what another member hear posted about "loss of innocence". I have been mulling over this phrase for several days as it aptly describes my condition and many who travel this grief path. I have not experienced much death in our family circle until eight years ago. My Grandfather and mother died earlier. but it didn't affect me that much. My mother ( I was close to) 8 years ago, my best friend actually died 6 months earlier but I didn't find out until years later. (That another story for another time), My brother passed away 7 years ago, and our last beloved collie dog, 4 years ago (she was like our child since we have no children). Each was difficult to deal with but I always had my wife, Rose Anne, to lean on, hold and share feelings. But this sudden loss of my wife blows the grief off the scale. After eight months, of just going through the motions, one step in front of the other, day by day. Well, you already know what it's like. People told me that you will come to embrace the pain and there is a comfort in knowing that the loss is real. I am thankful for this group of people who listen, love and care, No matter what our beliefs, people hear just let each other grief in however they need to. I followed the suggestions of friends here that have already gone through this intense pain of grief. the "Loss of Innocence" was explained as the loss of "Happily ever after" when we marry our spouse. We all believe our love for each other will carry us forward to the end of time. I thought I understood about dying but now I KNOW about death in a way I never wanted to know. I so enjoyed the LOVING part of marriage but never even considered the death and separating part. Still I am thankful that God spared my wife from this pain. God answered my prayer that I would be able to care for her to the end of her days. I love her and I always will. Yes, the innocence is gone but with that reality that time is short. I need to value each day; each moment and cherish it. I know God is Sovereign and rules and reigns over everything. I may not like it, but it is what it is. God knows something more than me. His Word says everything He does is for His Glory and our ultimate good. I don't know what that ultimate good is but I trust God knows and will carry that out. I will still grief, cry, and mourn for my wife. It's because I love her so much that God gives me time to deal with the loss. I wish no one else every has to die, but death shows us the penalty of Sin. "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God". The wages of sin is DEATH. But God redeems us and saves us from our sins. I trust in the Lord. Shalom

Day 249. Caught cold Tuesday. Work challenges yesterday and today. I still haven't written about my wonderful trip but I've been so busy. Then today I start remembering in vivid detail of happier times with my beloved wife, Rose Anne, before the diabetes made her two weak to work or able to do much (last six years). They are good, memories, smiling memories. Now if I can just get my nose to stop running like a faucet or then just stopping up. And I still break down and cry at times. I have noticed I can listen to smooth Jazz (my wife's favorite) and it gives me joy now instead of pain. And I could eat a mail that we used to eat together that I could enjoy instead of it reminding me that she is no longer here. I can hear her daily reminding me constantly, to " wash my hands, and keep them away from my face". Also, she would pray over me daily, " Lord be with you and keep you safe. Protect you from slips and falls and let the work you do show the love of God to our clients. Then bring my husband safely back home to me". God did that. Interesting memories. Shalom

Agreed. I caught a cold Tuesday despite all my attempts to prevent it. Life is just different now. I appreciated the comfort and love expressed then. It's another example of how we miss our beloved spouse. My wife comforted me in so many ways. My wife loved me as unconditionally as anyone could. It was a refreshing oasis in a harsh and selfish world. I experienced God's love for me through our loving, committed marriage covenant.Priceless. Yes, I still miss my wife and best friend, especially when I'm sick and under the weather. Shalom

Day 246. Yes, Brad, it is exhausting. My recent weekend trip ,( the first in ten years) I didn't cry the entire weekend. I soaked in the beauty of the mountains, valleys, sunrises and star gazing. Three days later , back to crying again... It's a process. I would like to be over it, yet how can I get over missing the love of my life, my beloved wife, Rose Anne. I find things that used to bug me, (like her always asking me to wash my hands), I now do with a humble smile on my face. My wife loved Smooth Jazz. I couldn't listen to it until this month. I now find comfort in listening to smooth jazz and remembering her. Hang in there. You are moving forward and living in today. Shalom

Dear Margaret, Praying you will just let it go for now. You will have time to process it. I struggled so hard with second guessing myself if I did everything right and in order before I left for work the day my wife died. I was haunted by the equipment failure, my not being with her when she died, what could I have done better... It takes awhile for us to process this trauma/grief. Be kind to yourself and lay those thoughts down for a little while so you can rest and catch your balance. You can read several post here and you will find we each struggle with things we said or didn't say, do or didn't do, etc... Its all part of this grief journey. Praying you will find comfort, peace, and solace in this group. Shalom

I'm only eight months in this grief journey. I'm amazed I made it this far. I went from Shock, Awe, disbelief, denial, going through the motions of life, learning to live without my beloved wife is the hardest. I'm thankful she doesn't have to go through this trauma. I'm thankful she is finally relieved of the weakening disability of the onslaught of her disease. My wife was weak and disabled from the ravaging effect of diabetes for six years. The shock of her dying, the absence of my being able to care for her and love her daily, it all takes a toll. Mentally and physically, I know she has exited this physical world, but my heart and soul still want her here with me. I want what I can not have. The Serenity Prayer sums up what I need to focus on today. I cannot change the past or the future. I do best when I live in today, but that is difficult to do. It helped me today to Pray the Lord would cause me to focus on God and His glory and not me and my pain. I trust God for my salvation, adoption, and redemption. I need to focus on Him and his ability to provide what I need. two days ago, I was in too much pain to even be wiling to ask for help. God understands that too. Many times I pray for the willingness to be willing to change to conform to His likeness and grace. A day at a time, a step at a time, a moment at a time. Initially, I could hardly function, this group with all of the kind support and help encouraged me to take care of myself, eat, sleep, rest, just move forward. Each of us need s to find their way and what works for them. My confidence/trust is in Jesus Christ. He gave me almost 26 wonderful years with my beloved bride. I trust God knows what is the best for me in the future. I still grieve, mourn, cry, shout, but I know it is all a part of this process God gives me to express the loss of my wife and adjust to this new way of life.it's no picnic. two days ago I was unable to cope. I texted a friend, "bring shovel". He knew that meant to pray for me. I'm in too deep to crawl out myself. I just deal with whatever emotions surface by His Grace. Praying for all of us on this journey. Shalom, George

Brad, I agree. But the pain still sucks.

Amen, That is my "Life" verse

I was lonely for so many years before I met my wonderful wife. we were blessed with almost 26 years together and now we are apart. This is exactly what I'm struggling with... the loneliness of every day life without my wife. We were one and now it feels like none. Shalom

I had a wonderful trip that I planned to write about sooner but my life got so busy this week. Besides work, I had two estimates and the taxes to finish last night. My friend is still having some episodes but the Naturopathic Doctor diagnosed it as an inner ear infection and is being treated. My sister has continuing problems with her left eye. She has viral conjunctivitis, which is very painful. After a round of medications, she found her eye getting worse and she had an allergic reaction to the medication. She works with third grade special ed children who have the conjunctivitis. Now she has more medicine and must be off work for two weeks. Her cataract surgery was planned in two weeks. After having such a great weekend, I find myself going back into a deep funk again. I couldn't even make myself go for a walk today. Praying that tomorrow will be a better day and in a better mood. I have work scheduled all day tomorrow. I learned tonight about how our gut health can affect our moods and the importance of getting the right food and nutrients. I have not been eating the healthier foods for the past week. Slipped into old eating patterns. Please pray. Shalom

day 236, I still talk to me wife. It gives me comfort. After having several good days, today has been lonely and emotional. The reality of life is kicking in after having such a wonderful respite for a few day from work and daily life. Shalom

Hi Butch, Been praying and continue t pray for you daily. Each of us need to find our way and seek wise counsel in the process. This grief is so gut wrenching at times. Many have shared that there will be better days but it is so hard to imagine when the grief is so bitter. My wife passed away suddenly almost 8 months ago. And for many months I was in such shock, all i could do was just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. We all care for you and understand your pain. Many times I feel torn between two worlds, the past with my wife and the present. By much grief work, sharing, praying, learning, and giving there have been some glimpses of better days.I just returned from a four day mini-retreat last weekend. I will be writing about it soon in my post "Shock and AWE" I need to get through some take and healthcare paperwork first. Look for your way through this grief. I took the advice of friends here to get plenty of sleep( i needed sleep medicine initially,,exercise (movement), eat healthier, and take just one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And I've had relapses where I think I should be better, But feeling are not FACTS, they are just feelings. Now I just feel them but I don't have to act on them. For example today, i didn't FEEL like walking. I have been walking for three weeks daily working up to walking 1/2hr a day. My muscles were aching, work was tiring, etc.. Even though I didn't FEEL like it, I walked anyway. I told myself, I would walk even five minutes. I ended up walking 20 minutes. It's a small example but I'm learning to live in today and as I can deal with the grief of losing my wife. I say the Serenity Prayer allot as it keeps me grounded on keeping eye on the important things in life. "God grant me the serenity to: accept the things I can not change, The courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference." We all will continue to pray, love, hug, share and we want to hear from you. You are never alone! Shalom, George

Redwendy,Thank you for sharing your extreme sudden loss of your husband. Sudden death has a trauma as well. You are already beginning your healing journey through grief and all of us in this group can empathize with your loss. your questions show that you want to learn how to cope and deal with your loss. Your grief is deep because your loss is deep. We understand and go through similar thoughts and feelings. Feel free to read others post and sharing what helps. This is a great support group of loving caring people who are on the same journey as you. I'm learning to take one day and sometimes one moment at a time. I write, journal, cry, scream, and do what I find works to help me cope with the loss of my beloved wife. The first step, for me, was to learn to care for myself.ie, get enough sleep, pray, eat healthier, and talking to a friend that understands what this grief is about. Your are on the right path. Keep coming back and sharing when you can. It really helped me to read other posts, friends here, Marty's tips and suggestions. I will be praying for your healing and restoration, Shalom, George

I am preparing for my mini-vac trip. Last night a friend called desperately asking for prayer and comfort. He was experiencing deep distress and fear that he was dying. His wife was on the way and I prayed and asked him a few questions to make sure he and the child with him was safe. The sound of panic and stress is very startling and reminds me how fragile life is and we need to count each day as a blessing to be alive. his does not negate grieving but does put life in perspective for me. My nephew and his wife and children are visiting so I'll be able to see them tomorrow. My tears do, in some way lubricates the grief transition time of my life .I'm still missing us. it is not the same now as it was when y wife was alive. Life is different. I am different. Thanks for listening. Shalom

My Obamacare insurance is still messed up from the beginning of the year. First they issued me the wrong policy. It took three weeks to find out from the insurance company/ I called and cancelled but they never got it corrected. Then my wife died and the bureaucrat in their infinite wisdom cancelled the policy so there was no record of us having insurance. after calling very week for two months to no avail. I just gave up. I started calling again and get the same run around. I need to compile all of my notes and 20 hours or phone calls.and contact my congressman. I just don't have the motivation to do it. I've already got the letter warning me about a new season for Obamacare. There is so much uncertainty about cost, policy and benefits. It's the LAW, we have to comply even though we can't afford it. and we don't know what the hidden tax at the end of the year surprise will be. I'm still listed as family coverage??? Just another sore reminder of my wife dying this year. This too, somehow, eventually will pass! Shalom

I agree with what everyone has wrote here. We each need to find our own way through this grief, but we don't have to do this alone. i find comfort reading others thoughts and feelings and know that people understand this "club" none of us asked to join. Our lives are changed different. I cherished each day with my love, my soulmate, my best friend. We need to find our way, with love, grace, hope and friends who are traveling the same path. I struggle, fall down, get up and move forward. Try to sort out the feeling, emotions from the reality of life. I am still struggling to accept the fact that I will never see my wife again. I thought I accepted it already, but for me it is a more gradual progress. I'm just trying to live each day, not on my own strength and willpower. I operate best when I realize that in my weakness is the Lord's strength. So I pray, ask for God's help and step out in faith even when I don't personally want to or "fell" like it. I am thankful we found each other here and can love and lift each other up. We are not alone until we chose to isolate ourselves. May the Lord bless your journey. Shalom

Yes. I find my heart saddens when I hear of shootings, accidents, and death. I realized the pain, sorrow and grief, family, loved ones,must go through and this is all part of the stream of life. Grief has a purpose. It tenderizes the soul. Shalom

Camille. I and many others are praying for you. Please visit often share your grief here. A safe place to shelter, share, and receive love from those who will walk alongside you. Peace and comfort. Shalom

Good News. My wife's computer is repaired. It took a long time for the program to recover the data on the 2TB Hard drive there was only 50 G of data. They were able to recover and restore it all. The memories of every website she visited, song, recipes, etc. I also received payment for all accounts that were not paid on time. And I was able to walk in the rain (No thunderstorms right now). I missed not being able to walk the last two days. I did notice my leg strength is improving. I'm still having some trouble sleeping but I'm trying to get back to my sleep routine that works. Also. I'm in better spirits today. Thanks everyone for listening and caring. It does make a difference! Shalom

R. Everritt 55, I just posted the same grief. I'll be praying for you. Shalom

Day 227. Week 32+ Month 7+ The last 24 hours have been extremely rough. I woke up with vivid pictures of when I found my wife dead when I came home from work. I don't know why they are coming back to haunt me now. I thought I have already dealt with it but it seems now yet another deep round of grief and sorrow washes over me. I sob uncontrollably to the point of gasping for air. I recall when I first found my wife. I was in such shock. Maybe a part of my psyche is protecting me from the reality of my loss. My wife's computer died two weeks ago and it is still in the shop getting repaired. Apparently the hard drive has failed so miserably that it is taking an extremely long time to copy, save and recover the drive. I'm told it could take as long as six weeks. I am still working everyday.And walked every day for ten days. Three day raining and the last three days, I walked 1 mile. I decided to commit to walking everyday and I would let anything stop me. Well, the last two days severe thunderstorms. So I haven't been able to walk. I didn't notice any difference in how I felt physically until today. My legs feel stronger especially when going up and down stairs. I have an exercise machine I can setup inside the house. I need to make room for it so I can exercise on Thunderstorm days. Meanwhile, I'm planning for this weekend out of town trip next week. Just getting away to the mountains and look at some fall foliage. We loved to do that together. The grief and despair is very deep and rough to handle. I ask for prayer from this group that God will help me find a way through this. I miss my wife so much, you know how that feels. Thank you for your prayers. Shalom

i agree, Even after twenty five years other people could see how we loved each other. Many commented I hope to find a love like yours. We were blessed. Shalom

Butch, i understand about how your heart hurts. My wife's birthday is one week before mine. Born in the same year. I would lovingly tease her each year, that she was a year older than me for an entire week. She lovingly, replied, " Don't worry. You will catch up quick!" This year was different. No celebration, no cards or calls. Just me remembering her in the better times. Our life without our spouses are just different now. I just sat in my home and tried to remember what I could of better times and better birthday celebrations. What ever you decide, it will be the right thing for you. This is a journey we take each day; one day at a time. I'm praying for peace and comfort for you, Butch. Shalom.

My wife loved Christmas, before she became ill. Christmas was a big deal. She decorated four Christmas trees in different themes and lights. She loved the lights, decorations, songs, and the mood of the year. As she became more disabled the energy to do all of it diminished to the point where the last few years, we would just fix the Christmas meal. Sometimes on the weekend because it was to much for one day. This last year, one of our clients bought us a Christmas dinner from the Honey Baked ham Company. It was the best gift because we could spend the day together enjoying each others company. I haven't decided what to do this year. Our wedding anniversary is in December, too.. I am working on living in today. Shalom

Thanks everyone for your kind response. Kayc, your dog is beautiful. I would love to get a dog but it wouldn't be fair to the dog because I am away from home so much. I have the opportunity to see many dogs in the homes I clean. They all believe I come to love on them and give them treats. I also visit a cat that greets me and a bird that chirps and dances when I come to clean. The owner says that the bird doesn't greet anyone else like that. Shalom