iPraiseHim

I put my wife's computer in the shop to be repaired on Monday. Hopefully it will be repaired by Saturday. The 10" notepad I bought for my wife to use(when she went to dialysis) has a "mini" USB port so I would need to find an adapter plug to a standard USB.The internet went down Tuesday all day. When I came home, called cable service to get it working. Jumped through many hoops to find out I was trying to hook up a wrong cable. I should know better but just not thinking as clearly as before. I have a trip to the mountains planned in two weeks. It's the first trip out of town in eight years. My wife was disabled for the last six years and unable to travel. It feels surreal to be planning a trip with out my beloved. I hope to just get away from the day to day business activities and just relax. The cabin is about 4 hours away. I'm off tomorrow so I need to put together the insurance information in order to contact my congressman to get a resolution. The insurance plan has been messed up ( wrong plan) for this entire year. So many things unresolved because of the errors in the Health Insurance Marketplace bureaucracy. The other half of the day will be used to complete the extension filing of taxes due next month. And it's almost time to sign up for another year of mandatory Health insurance ( US law now) or faces fines of $675 person in 2016. The plan promised to save everyone's insurance cost by $2,500. Instead It continues to rise each year. Medicare Costs are rising 52% next year. Life continues despite our grief and loss. I am much more sensitized when I hear of death of others. Praying for those spouse, family, and friends. Death is very common. Worldwide, over 150,000 people die each day. That is almost two people every second. That is a lot of grief. And yet, the world still functions; still moves forward. I have gradually come to realize that I need to focus on Today each day. My wife's soul and memory is entwined with mine. She loved me as I am and becoming. I have faith we will meet up again in heaven by God's Grace. I didn't want to live without her presence. Although physically she is not present in this world, her memory, love, hope and dreams will continue with me. I am so blessed to journey together with her all of these years. We are both assured of our permanent love for each other and God. I miss her smile, embrace, touch, kiss, sparkling eyes and happy soul when we are together. I write it down here to remind myself to read this again in the darker times. The feelings will pass. The love never passes. I will also tell a few closest friends when I'm in a hole mentally so they can use their prayer shovels and spiritual hands to help me out. I'm learning to just experience whatever feeling comes and not try to anticipate what will happen next. I have also started walking daily (5th day today) 20-30 minutes even in the rain and when I don't feel like it. I'm eating less processed foods, drinking more water, getting better sleep, eating more vegetables. I have learned to just add little steps on this healing journey to take care of this vessel (my body). I'm not perfect I still fall down but I strive to get back up and keep moving forward with prayer, biblical study, this group, journal, and any other tools I find helpful. Thanks for all who listen, pray, chat, message. I pray and follow as many as I can on here and will reach out to help others in our journey. Shalom, George

Day 216. I start to walk for exercise and stair clinging to strengthen my legs. My wife's computer died tonight; probably a hard drive failure. I don't know if I'll get it repaired. The screen is larger and easier to watch than back in the office. Rough day emotionally. It's a day. I just saw a neighborhood friend whose wife passed away two weeks after my beloved. They were married 44 years but they were expecting it because of her declining health.I pray tomorrow will be a better day. Shalom

I feel the same way, I posted every month on Facebook simply "1 month... Shalom". After the six month, it is so private of an event that i only journal and post in this discussion group. I've had people say, you need to stop count,,, just get on with life. For those of us grieving our spouses, its not that easy or simple. I'm thankful for this group because people just listen and care. Each of us has to find our way through but we don't have to do it alone. Sometimes it helps to just say, "I'm hurting, or lonely, etc.." and for other to just listen and not try to fix us. I am blessed to have found this sanctuary. it will take whatever it takes to get through this. I know not to stuff, bury, hide, or pretend I'm not feeling something and then compensate by some compulsive behavior. And it's okay to seek help to see us through. Failure in life is not getting knocked down. It is when you give up and don't get up. I've fallen plenty of times... By God's grace, I keep getting back up. Each day is a new day full of Grace. Shalom

Kayc, this is the best concise,statement I will remember about our grief journey. Thank you. Shalom

I am approaching 7 months mark in two days. I too, am still numb. Been dealing with the Obamacare Health Marketplace which has been a nightmare over 19 hours on the phone trying to resolve first one and now three different insurance issues. They keep disconnecting me after holding for a half an hour or more. Each person gives me a different answer. Than Saturday I get out water and sewage bill and it has my wife's name on the bill. I called today to have her name removed because she has been removed from my life. It is just a part of what life is now. I'm just trying to face life one day at a time, one hour and even one minute. I press forward, by God's Grace. Shalom

KayC, My sister just invites herself over to her children's home.She wants to see them. My sister is not pushy she just lets them know she wants to see them because she loves them. No guilt trips. She just tells them what she wants directly. Just a suggestion... It may work. Shalom

I was thinking today 14 years ago, where I was when I heard the tragic news. My wife called me in tears ( my wife hardly ever cried) saying, "Our nation is under attack" I remember exactly where I was cleaning and evening what room I was in. I was in shock and numb. A few years later, I cleaned a 911 widow's home. I was blessed to be able to clean her home. She too, was still in shock. 2,977 lives were lost that day. So public for all to see. Most of us in this forum are not seen publicly yet we travel similar paths.Today started out well. I did some cleanup before work. Found out a job was delayed til next week and another call I lost an account because the client has decided to clean her own home. Home therapy for her. She is pleased with the service. I will need to look for more clients. Life presses on, one day at a time. Shalom, George

Hello Ceili, I too, seem to cry everyday since my wife passed away suddenly almost seven months ago. Since men are not supposed to cry(which is a lie) it can seem like it is wrong. However much research is done that tears actually reduce your stress. When a person loves someone deeply, crying helps to relieve and cope with the painful loss which is real. Seek help where you can, come here and share with people who care and can come alongside you. Praying for you. Shalom, George

Praying for you Harry. My wife was on dialysis so the information given to you is correct. God grant you comfort and grace. Shalom, George

I deeply understand your grief and loss. Almost four years ago, I had to take our beloved Brandee to the emergency vet. My wife woke me up at 1:30 am saying she was restless panting could drink water and couldn't lay down. When the vets told me that she had stomach bloat. Apparently her stomach flipped and she was in distress. She was almost 10 years old. Life expectancy 10-12 years old. The Vet wanted $3,000 to unflip her stomach with a 50% chance of survival. We didn't have the money and so I had to make the decision to help to the Rainbow Bridge. The decision had to be made quickly because it is an extreme emergency for dogs. My wife was upset because she didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I was with Brandee while they gave her the medicine. I petted her and looked into her eyes as she slowly went to sleep. My wife, took some pictures we had of her in happier times and made a cutout that we enlarged and we could like at her everyday. It helped to be able to look at her picture and remember better times. I still have Brandee's and my wife's picture (passed seven months ago) to remind me of happier times. Praying you will find comfort and peace in your grief walk. Shalom

It is interesting your shared comments/ I had no warning, no signs or apprehension. It was a total shock when I came home and found my wife passed away while I was at work. Her death was so sudden that her doctors, the dialysis center, everyone were shocked when they were told. I'm still in shock. Shalom

Thank you both. Tears are flowing as I read them. Work went well. I need to get some rest now for I have another full day of work. Shalom.

Thank you, Maryann. Your words comfort me. Today is Labor Day so I plan to labor all day. Shalom

Thanks, Debi. It is good to find things to laugh about. I am on day 205. People ask me why do is still count the days, so I don't share that with most people now because they just don't seem to understand. I miss my wife and best friend every day. I seem to cry more about it now than before. I loved her deeply and I miss her deeply. I have plenty to do but not the energy or motivation to do it. Life presses on even when the best part of my life passed away. I'm still trying to learn to accept that. I have found myself not going to certain places and doing things because it triggers these memories of remorse. I haven't moved or changed much in my home since my wife passed until I am ready to. I know it is silly but I had bought a bunch of cherry tomatoes just before she died (my wife loved to eat them). She was limited because of the dialysis, but she could eat a few. I just threw them away yesterday with some resignation, because they looked more like sun-dried red raisins. I'm praying for the energy, strength and stamina to change the things I can each day and accept this part of our love life as well. I'm thankful that I could take this grief burden instead of my wife. I miss you, Rose Anne. Shalom, Love George

That's funny!

Well spoken, Maryann. I'm on the same journey just a couple of months behind you. My heart is with yours. Praying for your comfort and peace. Shalom George

Thank you for sharing with us such personal thoughts. There are many of us that have similar thoughts. It is a very scary place. Some times death tries to drive us to the same place. You being aware of your feelings can help you to begin to heal and grow from the grief, There are grief counselors available if you do not have anyone to safely share these feelings with. Sometimes friends and family don't understand but there are many who can help. (Serenity Prayer} "Grant me the serenity to accept the things, I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" Ceili, go to your pastor, priest, grief counselor; someone who can help you. You are valuable to us. Know that I am praying for you that God will see you through.. When you cry out to the (Lord, higher power, whatever you believe), you will receive peace and comfort. Grief is overwhelming. You are not alone. Please come often here to share will us. It will help you. Shalom, George

Tomorrow will be day 200. It's hard to imagine to be that long separated from my soulmate. Emotions are all over the place. I did have something humorous today. I performed an estimated to clean 5 store front windows, inside and out. They haven't been cleaned in a year. I estimated it would take three hours due to the raised lettering on the windows and excessive cobwebs, wasp nest, dirt, grime, etc... She thought my estimate was too high. She expected me to clean the windows for $10. (That $3.33 per hour.. Min wage her is $7,25) She told me the last guy stopped cleaning the windows because it was not profitable for him!) I have been chuckling about it all evening. It is funny some people's expectations. I still miss my sweet wife and best friend. I'm very lonely now. Shalom

Praying for you. Shalom

Happy Anniversary Harry!

Day 197,( yes, I'm still counting). Another roller coaster day. I hope there is a reason for all of this. Still missing my wife. Shalom

Well spoken, I too will reach the seven month mark on the 16th, Day 197. I still count the days; I'm not sure why. The reality of my wife's death continues to settle in my heart deeper and deeper. Flashbacks and memories of better times.I have not eaten an ice cream cone from McDonald's since her death. There are all kinds of memory triggers because our life was intertwined. I miss her; I miss us. The heart pain is real and doesn't go away. I seem to be triggered now more than before. I exist, for I am living, but not alive like before with my soulmate. This grief journey is tough. Work helps to pass the day. Shalom.

Thanks, Kayc and scba for your input. It helps to know other people care and understand this grief journey we are on. I have been professionally cleaning homes for over 17 years. I enjoy professionally cleaning homes because it shows me God's grace in my life daily. This new Job will probably start this week. My knees and legs are feeling a little stronger. I did go to church today but I still do not have the joy of wanting to go.My emotions are still unpredictable. I have a lot of things that need to get done but I'm just not motivated to do it. I have actually turned down a couple of jobs that I just don;t want to do anymore. I don't know what the next season in life will bring but this part I would like to skip. Thanks for listening. I keep hoping there will be brighter days. Shalom

Ditto. I miss my wife, my friend, my lover; the other half of me. I lived alone for years before I met my bride. I know how to take care of my self but I miss the loving, pampering and attention she showered on me. I remember how her spirit would "light up" when she saw me. My wife is a naturally charismatic person to all who meet her. Yet she had a special love and affection for me. Even after 25 years of marriage, her simple touch electrified and energized me. I miss her daily. so yes, I can slog through the day, I can take care of myself but never as well as she loved and cared for me. I am thankful that I cherished each day with her and showed her every day how much I liked and loved her. I know she knows that I truly, genuinely fully loved her. I held nothing back. 2 Corinthians Chapter 13. Shalom George

Disappointing day. My expectations have set me up to get me down. I expected that those who have gone through grief and loss themselves would be more supportive in the down cycle yet I continue to be disappointed. I think the reality of not ever seeing my wife ; my best friend is really sinking in on another level. I thought I dealt with this before and accepted it but it still floors me. I have planned a four day trip away in early October. The first trip in over eight years. I don't really know what I'm gonna do except to get out of my home for a few days in beautiful country; unplug and relax. The coming holiday season, i am trying to decide what to do. My wife and I always spent the time together alone. The last couple of years she was getting too weak to cook so we planned dinners around a time when I was off from work. My sister wants me to join her for the holiday gatherings but I'm not sure how I'm going to be emotionally. I seem to be having more crying outbursts now than in the last three months. My energy levels are still low with some physical pains that get me down. I need to lose weight but find it difficult to concentrate on a good eating plan. I just picked up a new cleaning job that I'm not confident I can do because of some physical limitations.I'm feeling more my age (60) than I have before. I'm still fighting some very tough mood swings. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a new day with new grace for the day. Thanks for listening. Shalom