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My inner question is.....if they are surrounded by such peace and love, do they miss us? Do they miss being here? Apparently they don't, which makes me sad. I'm always wondering what is my boyfriend doing, what is his mission now, who is with him. My human brain cannot understand. I know there are no complete answers, just clues.

Harleyquinn, it's very good that you go to run and to the gym. I hope you don't quit. It doesn't matter if you start late in the day. Today you may not see it, but it will help you to learn to focus on something else and to gain strength through this very difficult journey. Debi, I used worked in a research project in social sciences. I spend many weeks at the European Institutions' buildings. It was a nice experience. What books are you reading at the moment?

Good question. I respect those who wish to start a new love relationship after so much pain.

I agree that weekends are the worst now. I realised I cannot have the same routine as when my boyfriend was alive. Weekends feel so lonely now. In my quest to be kind to myself, I made up a new tradition for sundays. I wake up and go to get two newspapers, I could read them online, but going out forces me to get up and get dress. I prepare breakfast, I turn on the radio and I read both newspapers. Reading has a calming effect on me. When I'm done, it's time for a light lunch and then for a nap. And part of Sunday is over. Debi, I've been in Brussels several times for work, those days when I was younger and I thought I was on top of the world because I had a career (how naive). I hadn't yet met my bofriend and work filled my days and thoughts. Love changed me. But now....without him I feel I'm back to the starting line again.

It's been a week that I've been doing well. I was able to go to the gym three times, to go to classes and to study, to focus on my embroidery project, to make progresses in my mood and to feel some sort of "peace". I wonder how long it will last....however, a question suddenly arrived: "does it mean that I can be fine also "without him"? It's strange because it seems that while I'm hurting, there is a link between us, and if I am not, it looks like that "I can go on (well) without you". Oh grief.....

Dear Butch, I understand how you must be feeling. For my boyfriend's bday I was suggested to write a thank-you note and give it to his mother, but I couldn't. I was hurting a lot. Instead, I booked a trip and scheduled many activities for that day. I wasn't strong enough to face his birthday, to call my in-laws...I hope next year I'll be able to write that note. What I mean to say is that whatever you're going to do that day, and for the "firsts", it will be fine. To face it or not. Because your heart is broken and you must cope with so much pain right now.

Thank you Marty for the video. I felt peace after watching it. For a long time I tried to understand if my boyfriend was given a choice to stay or to go. I think he didn't want to leave but he made a "pact". We were in hospital by his side saying goodbye, but his brother was still travelling. His heart stopped beating once his brother was there too.

Dear Debi, I too feared the first Xmas. It hurted me to witness joyful faces, family plans, decorations, holiday trips and so on. I was so angry at God at that time. I didn't want to celebrate a-ny-thing!!!!!! My plan to cope with it was to take a valium and sleep. However, that day that I feared so much, was just another day when I missed my boyfriend and I cried. I had dinner with my parents and siblings. I didn't have any strategy, I avoided crowds and big reunions. The day arrived and was over, and grief, and missing, were still there.

My experience with his funeral was strange. That day I felt it was MY funeral, OUR dream's funeral, like saying goodbye to me. The poem I wrote, his father's eulology, the music played, the whole ceremony. I never felt his presence there.

Dear Ricky, I can understand you. It's a year to me and I still think that he may come back. Not frequently, but I still do. I believe we will always wait for them even 50 years later, because our relationships were not over, they were interrupted by death. Our hearts are still in love with them, and so we wait. I think that this sensation never goes away, perhaps it will change form with time. "We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral, we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue (...) Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.” (Jean Didion, The year of magical thinking).

after very difficult weeks because of my birthday and THAT anniversary, today I felt fine. I signed up to go to the gym, I had breakfast with a friend and I had dinner with friends. I was told something very common but it kept me thinking longer: "i know you did a big effort to come tonight. You know, life goes on". This thing, life goes on..... Sure, life continues outside of us. But what do you think that life goes on to US, the bereaved? this sentence keeps resonating in my mind looking for a meaning. Maybe my question is just nonsense and there is no meaningful answer. Life goes on, we are alive, and it is what it is. I have the tendency to analyze what doesn't need to be analyzed.

Thank you all for your posts, I'm sorry I'm not able to give a proper reply, today is not the best day. It will improve,,,

Dear Jillianne, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. I'm 36 years old and I lost my partner a year ago. I can totally relate with what you are expressing, and I think it is normal. At the early days you are hurting so much and the world hurts you too, even with good news from other people. Don't think there is something wrong or sick with you, it is your heart that has been broken and can't stand little at the moment. Your world and dreams are shattered and the world goes on...it is painful. Be kind to yourself and with time you will learn to deal with other people's news. I've been through pain, indifference, and sometimes genuine happiness for them. It will take time and effort. After a year to me it still takes effort. One day at a time, and mostly, be kind to yourself.

thank you KayC. I started to receive phone calls and messages. Tears are back. I cannot think of gratitude or sense of life today. I can only think of the man I lost, the man I love. I guess I have to get through this day too.

Today is 365 days. I feel numb. I thought I would be broken. I don't understand

Thank you all for understanding and sharing your feelings, experiences and comments. I find so much help writing here. Marty, thank you for the link. I've read some of Megan's articles in HuffPost. She's a very good writer and I could relate with what she expresses. Thank you! Maryann, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you feel. I'm learning how hard is to be true to myself and the way I feel. If sitting on the swing gives you more pleasure today that being surrounded by people, just do it. Whatever is right for you to bring you peace. I copy a link to one of Megan's article that I hope will give you some perspective. Dear Life how do I feel alive again. Debi, I'm so sorry that you've to hear all those statements, somehow you'll get used to them and they'll hurt less with time. I don't know if I build up an inner wall or what, but when my friends talk about their husbands and family life, I listen, but I don't listen. I used to cry because of the effort. I don't know if being detached it's correct or not, but that's how I dealt with it. Last night I was very nervous about nonsense.....I thought: "I love you and I miss you.....the truth is: I need you. Thank you all for reading.

It's very nice

The same happens to me Maryann, when someone is going through hard times, I'm in the front line the way I can. For other (happy) circumstances, I'm detached. But I haven't shared my feelings with anyone because I feel ashamed of them. I feel ashamed of not being able to get along with people the way I did before, especially if I don't know them very well. I feel ashamed of feeling sad, hopeless about the future, and with rage about destiny. It doesn't happen all the time, through the day I feel ok. But when uncomfortable feelings arrive, they cover the rest. I feel under pressure to get up and leave all this sadness behind or carry it hidden in my soul, being proactive and practical on the outside, as it's expected from someone on her 30s. Long grief is seemed to many people to be reserved for "old people", and being sad at 36 years old is seemed like a place I choose to be. I've just been told that I've done nothing to overcome my current state. That I'm hidden in a sad, but comfortable, zone. I cannot say he's not partly right, but at the same time my whole future with my boyfriend was destroyed and I'm still coping/fighting with it. I've never thought to be in this situation. And none has taught me how to deal with it nor what to do. I hope, KayC, to learn to incorporate more good times in my life. Thank you!

Our plants are still alive, but because I took them to my MIL home to be taken care of after I left our appartment. My mom's garden is full of flowers but I didn't pay attention to them for a long time. Instead, I enjoy bird's singing, I take it as a "sign" that my boyfriend is singing to me. On the other hand, I'm dealing with some envy, and I don't like any of it. Today I had a call from my BIL telling me that he's doing fine, that he had a promotion and etc etc. I wasn't happy, I keep thinking: what's wrong with me? why I can't be happy for him? why is all of it disturbing me? what am I doing wrong in my journey? Really, who am I now, what kind of person I'm becoming? I'm so tired of emotions. Sometimes I can't be around people or listen to their talk. I had this conflict before, when I was at high school and some years during university. I thought all of it was over and I don't understand why it's back. I just want peace in my heart.

Dear Debbie, I didn't have such experience. On the contrary. I've spent a year looking for those type of signals with no result. My only advice is don't let them become a source of guilt, as if you should have "known or seen" that the end was close. This happened to me and on top of everything I felt I failed him, like a mother who didn't realized her son was sick.

Mitch, I understand your search for replies to "Why?". I'm about to reach one year with this question and there is simply no answer. A virus ended my boyfriend's life. Is that all? It cannot be. But then, what else is behind? Why him? No answers. And none of us have an answer, nor those before us, nor those who will be born.....we'll learn the thruth behind the veil the day we'll be gone, by maybe it won't matter anymore if our beloved ones are with us again. It's the last hope in the midst of our pain.

Thank you KayC! Unfortunately there are not grief-counselors in my city. My mother asked me if I wanted to try with another therapist. To be honest, right now, the mere idea of starting all over again, telling everything again, it's too much to handle with. I've asked my therapist for a meeting to discuss what's going on and I'll see what I'm going to do. But today I feel really tired. I'm trying to relax by focusing on my embroidery project. I read that you've a hobby related with making cards. I find the hand-crafting very helpful to release stress and keep fully attention to what you're doing.

I don´t know what it may mean...perhaps that his soul / new self is evolving? What do you think? I know how trying is to grief, and yes, it feels like hiking a mountain without enough oxygen. Today I'm exausted too so I decided to work on my embroidery project. It helps me to focus.

Today was one of the most horrible days since "that day". I had a job interview on Monday. After a year without working I thought I was ready. Since the employer knows my family I chose to be honest and tell why I left my former job...and so a couple of questions were done and I lost it, I started to sob. I just wanted to stand up and leave, but I stayed and tried to save the interview. I was admitted to the second stage, this time with a psychologist. I told the same when asked what happened, again the question "are you sure you can handle it"? I had to say "I don't know, I would like to try" and so on. I was so tired, I prayed last night for not being asked again, it's so awful to talk about such a private thing with a total stranger. The worse was when she asked me "what does rain means to you"? And I started to sob because I met my boyfriend on a rainy day. I couldn't handle it, it seemed that God was punishing me, why that psi question? I perhaps finished saying them please don't hire me.....I left and hide in the bathroom to cry and cry. I called my therapist and he was very worried, he told me that perhaps I should find a more professional counselor. I was astonished, now I risk to loose an important thing in my grief journey. I just cannot believe that this is happening, I thought I was doing well..... I wish I close my eyes and wake up in 90 years. I'm in pain. I miss Fred, I can't do this all alone. I wonder what's going to be of me if I'm so vulnerable. My heart is completely broken again. How am I going to find the strength I need to go back to the real world? Will it take me another year? thanks for reading, I needed to vent.

Keep that dream close to your heart.