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A friend of mine was shocked to hear me saying that if I die no one would care, and I was shocked to know that she didnt want to lose me even though she "knew" why I was willing to die. I believe that there is going to be someone who will go through this awful grief if we die, no matter if we are willing to go to be reunited with our spouses. If I die, my MiL will be destroyed for this second loss and my parents will have to go through this hell I'm living, but worse. They are still young parents. So, I don't want to die because I dont want them to suffer as I do. If I learn that I have a terminal disease, I think I would fight in the limits of dignity. My boyfriend fought until the very end, and during his whole life. Could I just do the opposite? I dont know...this is what I think about the subject, today.

Dear Hollowheart, it is ok to feel sad and it is ok to feel angry too. Be kind with yourself. With time, and by doing the grief work, I'm sure the joy (probably mixed with a tear) will be present again in our lives. I have been told that I'm in fact working in building a new kind of relationship with my boyfriend. I still have no clue of what it means, but it helps me to think that he can still be part of my life, whatever way that is going to be. I havent signed up to run a marathon or raised funds for a cause, for example. I havent done anything to honor my boyfriend. Lack of acceptance? Probably. But I trust that love, which never dies, will defeat the sadness that I still feel after a year. That is what I believe, it is a very personal conclusion, I am glad to share here.

Spending time with my golden retriever, which sleeps under my bed every night since I moved back to my parent's. Spending quality time with my nieces and nephews, who are toddlers. All the rest (shopping, travelling, hobbies, family meetings etc) have been activities to fill the hours, rather than truly joyful ones. Maybe a year and three months is still too early.

You are not alone....we all understand. I'm missing my boyfriend too. I sobbed in the morning, I asked him to come back, I asked him not to forget me ever. I thought that I don't want to grew old without him. I'm very sad lately because whatever is going on in my life, it is not enough, it feels like it is "covering" my loss, and I would gladly trade all of it to have my boyfriend back. Will something matter very much again in our lives, apart from family and friends? I mean, every day stuff, including work, travelling and hobbies. I still cannot believe this is the outcome of our love. I believed thay my love would save his life. Fool of me.

Honestly I don't know what to think about mediums. I have noticed, watching videos on youtube, that they hardly never mention a name. They ask: have you lost your father?, but they never say, for example: your father, James Sallinger, is talking to me. I mean, why the spirit would not say its name? I'm also tempted to make an appointment, but I am not yet convinced.

Dear kayc, it is understandable. I wish I could say the right thing, but I don't know what to say to offer support. Probably, I'd say one day at a time, and soon this day will be over too.

Yes, hell on Earth. I speak to him/to me all the time in my head, I think I do it even when I speak to other people. Every night I say: please come back. Knowing it cannot be, but I need to say it. Is this denial? Complicated grief? I believe it is my heart being so broken that I wish what is absolutely impossible. When Holiday wishes are in the form of: I wish your dreams come true, I must pick up between wanting to join him or wanting him to be here. Of course I cannot confess any of it, but I know you all understand.

I enjoyed Xmas when my grandpa was alive, he gathered the big family around his table. After his passing the tradition ended. I could never feel Xmas spirit again. I fear New Year. I'm receiving messages (addressed not only to me) that express "wishing you an amazing year" "may your dreams come true"....

tfer, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend last year after a surgery. I too don't understand why I have been blessed with the gift of true love and to loose him four years later. Ripped away is how I describe it. I don't have an answer and it breaks my heart.

I'm too having a hard time getting through year two. People ask me if I'm happy with my achievements, I say I cannot feel happy under the circumstances, and they look astonished, as if now at year 2 sadness and loneliness are a choice. I expect nothing from the events in my life. I cannot trust that things can last. I miss him so much. Time that I haven't seen him is hurting me, not healing me. I had a dream about him last night. I met him and said: I knew it, I knew you were alive, I knew you were going to be back, you have healed. You are back! if only.....

Yes, I want to be with my love again. I would do whatever. Last night I dreamed about that although I don't remember the details. I remenber the feeling of sadness for him fading away. I miss him. Nothing can bring me joy anymore, everything is done for survival, to find a reason to stay. Today I felt as if a decade has been gone, I feel I am losing him and that just memories are his legacy. I am too young and I don't want to think that I will be alone, but at the same time I want nobody else in my life. Although it is wrong and it may cause suffering to my family and friends, I don't want to Live a long life to grew very old. I feel very wrong thinking this. But it is not my decission.

Dear Gwen, I echo your words. I don't know why we are "forced" to "behave" and pretend. that is how i feel it. If only I could express my real feelings all time. We can't. Why? I don't have a concrete answer.

Dear Gwen, I understand the feeling regarding other people's remarks. IPersonally believe that some want to find an explanation, but for themselves, to what happened just not to admit that this cannot make sense, that death, birth, disease and accidents are random and therefore they can be the next one in this journey. In spite of the fact that my boyfriend had a disease from birth, I had to endure remarks like, disease comes from your mind, it is a karma, it is because his great grand parent this and that.. what??? And this came from friends, not people at a bar. In spite of my pain I couldnt send them to shut up. This happened in the early months. Today no one says anything and the matter is not discussed and I am not asked about my grief. Another issue I deal with is the assumption that grief and pain is an attitude, therefore a choice. It is my choice to be sad, upset and hopeless. Oh well..... Some one in this forum told that with time grief becomes a very private issue because conversations with people who care (or dont) about you, but who haven't gone through it, brings only more confusion to both parts. I agree. I share my feelings mostly here and with 2 or 3 friends. For the rest, Im doing very well. It is not fair and I am not glad with it, but what can I do? I am tired.

Thank you for this story. I am not religious but I belive Billy is behind of all of it. Last night I watched the Fellowship of the ring. I like this quote from The return of the king, Home is behind the world ahead. And there are many paths to tread, through shadow to the edge of night, until the stars are all alight. Mist and shadow, cloud and shade, all shall fade, All shall fade"

Thank you janka

Debbi, I'm glad you are back to write. The news have been silent about the situation in Bruxelles lately so I hope things are calmer now. I understand the feeling, at month 14 I am still in kind of "denial" that my love is not here. Maybe due to the fact that I moved out from city and nothing reminds me of him. Or our hearts never truly comlletely accepts it. I just let it be. I am getting used to more and more to grief and ambiguity. Keep it one day at a time, and when it gets harder, just hold on.

I was raised as catholic, although I never felt the presence of god, jesus, the holy spirit and Mary in my heart. My boyfriend died at 33 years old. He was agnostic, he never told me about his idea about the afterlife and i never asked him, because i never thought that he would die so young. I am angry at god, i am angry at those who mentioned His plan, His will and His design. You understand if i say i dont care about wills, designs and master plans anymore.

very well said Brad and I hope you have a safe trip. Sfter my boyfriend died, I spent a lot of time thinking of his disease, trying to understand what went wrong, what did I do wrong. Somehow she was the third person in our relationship and I felt she and I were left "here" to fight each other (crazy....) I felt in the early days that she was growing inside of me, which of course wasn't true. It was a virus which ultimately caused multiple organ suth down and his death. A thing we cannot even see, touch, predict, that killed him. I could "feel" them "living" inside of me, but this was totally crazy....many months later, the disease and the virus "left" my body. But they are still conversation topic in my therapy sessions. We loved road trips too. I miss them very much.

I'm sorry for being so selfish, I should be grateful that I'm with my parents. Sometimes pain makes me think of myself as the one who suffers more, and it is not right. Is there no other solution for your plumb problem that is not so expensive?

In spite of this pain, I would choose him again if I could turn back time. He spent the rest of his life with me, and I will spend eternity with him.

I had a good morning too until I called my MIL and we talked about my future. I started to sob, tried to be strong but I failed. I cannot think of my future. Whatever I think (for example, I can send my CV here or there) I have the feeling that I can fail and that everything can be lost and destroyed again. I am struggling with this fear. I quit my job after my boyfriend died, moved out and came back to my parent's. I have nowhere to "return" after a year of grieving. Some people tell me: you need more time. Maybe it is true. Kpl48, Keep the memories of your dreams with Andre close to you heart. Kay, I'm glad his pictures are back to where they were! This brings me hope that I can do that one day.

I know there are no answers to my questions, I am sorry. I should give up looking for answers. Thank you Kay and Brad for your insights!

Dear Margaret, with time and the work of nature+grief+God+life, the memories of the last days/minutes/seconds before their deaths will not be as intruding as they are now. You won't forget it, it cannot be erased unfortunately and you will still feel the pain, but the hurting effect will be lessen. Otherwise no one could survive in this world, I think. With time, those bad memories will hang around with good ones too. Like you, I still cannot sit down and think of good memories, it seems that they hurt more than the bad ones, to me they remind me all that I had and that I lost. I trust that with the help of my therapist and my boyfriend from above I can revert that, and let the good memories overcome the bad ones.

I was thinking today: if he can see me or hear me, is he sad as I am? Is he upset too that we didn't say goodbye, that I cannot hear him telling me "I love you"? I woke up and started to cry: "did he knew that I loved him, that I really loved him, although life was sometimes tough, although I didn't say it every day? Did he died knowing it? Am I alone in this, or he grieves too, in a different way? I feel selfish, but I struggle with the thought: he rests in peace, because to me it means that he has forgotten me or in heaven no one cares about.

I agree hollowheart, it is a solitary world after year 1. That is why I told my friends that I live two lives, one on the outside and another one in the inside, and that they are free to ask about both of them or just one. I aknowledge that I live in my hometown when nobody met my boyfriend and I cannot expect people to talk or ask me about our lives together. He is a stranger here. Therefore I pay, yes, I pay someone to talk and listen about him and us, that is my therapist. I pronounce his name in his office. How sad. How wrong is all of this.