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I edited my post, thank you Marty!

In grief you don't just weep for yourself do you? Personally I think that we grieve our past, because our loved ones are "stuck" in there. My boyfriend's smile is in the past. We grieve our present because it is a place we have never wanted to be, even if we are in the same city and house of before. At this time of the year we would be planning our wedding, but I woke up in my old room at my parent's home. We grieve our future because our dreams with our spouses and partners have been destroyed.I will never be his bride nor the mother of his sons. We grive for us, and we grieve for them because they loved life and they wanted to live and to be with us and keep dreaming and smiling with us. If you feel more comfortable with saying our son, keep it saying. Whatever is good for you.

Perhaps after a couple of months, in some people's minds, still being sad and feeling hurt is "our choice/attitude towards life". Some friends asked what my therapist was suggesting me "to do", as if there were to-do lists to get over all of it. I copy-paste a piece from a newspaper that made me think (sorry if I copy paste too much in this forum, but I collect articles...): From the HuffingtonPost (8/24/2015 - Megan Devine "Your pain isn't your falt) "Pain simply is. It's a natural, normal response to loss. But sometimes the literature in the self-help world, in the therapy world, and sadly, yes even in the world of spiritual guidance, is heavy on blame. Grief is considered unhealthy. A "bad" experience. And in many teachings, it's something you called upon yourself, whether literally or metaphorically, physically or karmically. If you are in pain, if something has ripped in and broken your heart, destroyed life as you knew it -- and as you'd hoped it would be -- it is not your fault. You didn't need this experience to "wake you up," nor did you need it in order to become some enlightened being serving the world through your pain. You didn't need the accident, or the illness, or the sudden catastrophe to make you into a better, kinder, more empathetic person. You didn't need to learn something that only disaster could teach. Being sad, being in pain, is not evidence that you've done something wrong. It's evidence of your heart being open. It's evidence of love, and evidence of loss".

Today I had a first job interview. When my boyfriend died I quit my former job because I couldn't work, I was pretty bad. Today was a new challenge, I thought I was ready, I tried not to give much importance in case it went wrong. The employer asked me, why did you quit your job? I had to said the truth and I couldnt avoid few tears. Then they asked me, are you sure you are ready to go back to work? I dont know what I replied, I felt so broken inside. "But you are so young!", and so on. I wish I didn't need a job. Anyway, the interview is over, this day too. This is to say that even if Im not working at the moment, I understand the emotional struggles. Hope tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.

Dear Debbie, Sometimes the pain we feel doesn't allow us to feel their presence. I had regular dreams with my boyfriend for 6 months, then they stopped. I dont' feel his presence, I think because a part of me "refuses" to think he is gone, before it was so real, now it all seems a bad and painful dream. Tonight I dreamed that I had to call him because it has been long since we hadn't talked, so I grabbed his phone. I woke up knowing I can't phone him anymore.... I thought that in order to be in contact with them you had to be "religious", but according to what I've been told, it doesn't work with a strict rule. My cousin lost his father many years ago, she was very close to him, she is very catholic, yet she never had dreams with him nor felt him around. I sincerely have no clue of how it works, which upsets me since I want so much to feel my boyfriend and be with him, even if it is not the same way as before. I have issues with the "acceptance" part, if such thing is ever going to happen.

when we are dealing with pain, it is very difficult to recognize ther little steps we are taking. You are trying on a new job and organized a trip on october. This is very good, it is not the good you wished for yourself, but it is an accomplishment. I know this is not enough, but it is important to be kind with yourself. You are trying, and let it be enough for today.

I copy paste a piece from a blog that I would like to share, given that what I wrote yesterday on other threads seems not to be true today, I feel really sad and I miss him so much. This is how grief works in me, one day I think I understood the supposed purpose behind it, and the next day I rage about our fate. "He waits up for you on the nights when you come home late with the car, and he meets you inside the dark parking garage across the street, and then walks you back safely to the apartment. You could do it alone. You did do it alone for years. All of it. But that's the point. You no longer have to, because now you have this incredible, wonderful man, and you get to let him take care of you in all those ways that he loves doing. And now that man is dead, and you look around r, and all the stuff is gone or boxed up somewhere in a basement, or donated to some pleasant and worthy cause. There is no more man-smell in your life, and you are once again carrying all your own groceries and lifting those heavy suitcases and you resent it. "I already DID all of this by myself for YEARS!!!", you scream into the nothing. "I found my person and I thought I would never have to do this sh*** alone, ever again. I found my teammate. I FOUND him. And now he has been taken away". Thanks for reading.

I believe that animals "know". When my uncle passed away, his beloved dog followed him soon afterwards. When I moved out to my parents' their dog has been sleeping next to my bed every night. I also experience the absolute absence of my boyfriend, he was THE ONE. I cannot even put in words what he ment to me and how he had enriched my life. I still cannot accept that he is not around. But love does survive, stays and transforms. It is contradictory, at the same time I feel Ive been cheated by love. There must be something at the horizon, but it's still too early in our journey to know. One day at a time. After a year it has become also one month at a time,I see nothing beyond. Love will be transfromed and will keep transforming us. I'm sure it is transforming them. My boyfriend is the most sacred thing I have in my heart and I must be his. this journey is an act of faith, I've been told. But it definitely hurts.

I think our grief prevents us to "see" better what we, in fact, cannot see. I had many dreams about my boyfriend in the first months. He's been out of my dreams since 3 months. But I feel he's around when a specific type of bird shows up or I hear it singing, it coincides with the moment I'm thinking of him. I want to believe that he's trying to say he's here. It takes time to accept signs because I'm very rational. I never paid attention to birds before until these birds showed up many times. In my MIL's dream he never said what means with here or there. I copy-paste a poem that I found by chance: And if I go, while you're still here... Know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure --behind a thin veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith. I wait for the time when we can soar together again, --both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to its fullest. And when you need me, Just whisper my name in your heart, ...I will be there. Ascension copyright ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock

Dear Ricky, I'm very sorry for your loss. It's so recent that it's normal to feel so much pain and despair. What have helped me the most has been attending my sessions with my counselor because with time my grief became more and more private. It took me 6 months to leave the couch in which I spent most of the day watching tv. You deal with pain one day at a time. Feeling guilty is very normal but with time you'll realize that there's nothing you can do nor it's your fault that your partner died. I felt guilty that my boyfriend decided to go on a surgery (that killed him) to improve his quality of life (and so ours). I felt that if he hadn't met me he wouldn't have taken that decission. I also felt terrible that I was unnable to utter a sentence when I visited him at the ICU, he's in coma and I was completely in panic and overwhelmed by machines, nurses, sounds. I kept thinking that If I said something maybe he would have waken up by hearing my voice. With counseling I'm still learning to deal with these thoughts. I'm very sorry for the loss of your partner.

When I watched the video recorded by the assasin with his phone, showing his gun ponting at the reporter, I thought: "God please stop him". Why He hasn't? Why is evilhood so powerful? I'm still horrified.

Dear Debi, KayC is right, try to get through one day at a time. I'm still coping with my loss after a year, sometimes evading, other times fully recognizing my pain. Where do they go? Where are they? I wish I knew. I wish there was a window to heaven, where we can look at them and maybe wave our hands if no other contact is allowed. Things would be easier for us. Why God hasn't thought of it? My MIL had a dream in which his son told her that he "comes and goes" and "travels a lot", he even showed her his "favorite spot". A friend of mine has recently lost his father, and he told her more or less the same on her dreams. That he travels. Where? Here? There? They haven't given an answer. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I find this piece very interesting. I never felt the waves, my pain is felt as if someone is hitting me on my back and something pulls me down, and I'm unable to get up. In the first week I dreamed I was walking on a dessert of rocks, the sun was very bright, and I passed by a war-destroyed city. Since then I picture myself in a dessert, and my former life destroyed as the city. Thanks for the post

I've a long list of cliche...when I came back to my hometown, where nobody have met my boyfriend, my "case" was "treated" like a breakup (you'll get over it, or rather "you'll have a scar but life goes on") or like bad luck. I had to stop meeting people for a while because I was hurting a lot, I had to ask my mum to stop talking to me about other's losses or what people told her about my grief. I've been told that if I think too much about it I would get sick (as If my brain and my soul had a "pause" button). After a long time I understood they all mean well and I try to let it go, thinking that surely I've been one of those who said stupid things, before knowing what death and grief really is.

I'm so sorry about this news. I've been trying to think what to write but nothing seems appropriate. There are no answers, and this is awful too. Answers would be very appreciated. you've right to be angry.

Dear Maryann, it's important that you acknowledge the fact that you need a pause, it's a moment to take care of yourself after the stress of an audit. Perhaps you can ask for some days off when the audit is over? Or arrange to work from home for a couple of days?

where I live there aren't grief counselors or supporting groups so I made an appointment with two psychologists, a man and a woman. I picked up the man because he had a more "compassionate" approach to my grief. The woman was very professional, but her first statement was that I was prepared for my boyfriend's death (unconsciously) and that I had to figure out how I was going to continue my life. At that moment (a month after his death) I could not hear anything about my future, my life, or my supposed preparation towards his death (I was NEVER prepared). I felt she has been too direct to me. So I choose to continue with the man because I felt more comfortable with his approach. And I still attend meetings after 11 months. It's been very helpful. This is my experience. KayC is right, the most important thing is how you feel.

I try to understand their well meaning, it requires a big effort too! Sometimes I question my own judgment in front of such statements.

Maybe I should have used the word "compensated"

My first birthday without him is over. I didn't want any celebration, I made a huge effort to get through the day without crying and trying to do the usual things. I received many messages telling me that "I will be rewarded for my loss". I don't understand how this is possible. The love of my life WAS the most special gift and he is gone. I cannot see how loosing someone to death can bring a reward, why would I want that? I don't understand. Thank you for reading

Jeff, I'm sorry for your loss. I've regular meetings with a grief counselor and it really helps me. With time, my grief has become more "private", I don't generally discuss it with my friends or relatives. It's a relief to have someone to talk about it, face to face and without judgments. Unfortunately you'll hear hurting remarks from friends and relatives. Know that they mean well (it's requires a huge effort) but they don't understand what it means. I've a list of those, from assumptions about God's will, to statements that in any case my boyfriend was going to die (he's too sick = he'd an expiry date). I've learned not to listen to them anymore. Grief, in my opinion, is a journey you cannot escape from it, perhaps be delayed, I read that sooner or later it will emerge. Of course you've to be strong for your sons and life goes on even if we don't want to. But this doesn't mean that you cannot feel the pain, be sad, miss your wife, feel lost, guilty and share your emotions with your family or friends. Life goes on but not in the way they mean (like "closure" / turn on the page). You'll find your own way to go on. One day at a time.

I'm going through the same: "My head nods as my brain agrees completely. But my heart is screaming". It's a half life. I wonder if it's going to be one life again.

330 days in this journey. I too thought that I had no more tears. I'm worry when I cry and when I don´t. With time I learned to let them come and let them go. But it's painful.

Today I woke up feeling sad. I decided to go out for a walk, I ended up in a store to buy a coat. I actually don't need it, but I thought it was pretty and so I bought it. I didn't feel guilty, but I didn't feel ok. Once at home, I opened up a box where I've my necklaces, earings and rings...I looked at them as memories of what my life has been, full of colours, nonsenses, those are just pieces of recent good times that are gone forever. My boyfriend loved seeing me wearing colourful earings. I don't wear them anymore. I feel so sad. I know it is vanity. I feel terribly lost without my boyfriend. I keep myself busy but nothing makes me happy nor brings a true smile on my face. I feel hopeless today. Thanks for reading

I've experienced that for many weeks. It feels like they've been gone for a trip, right?. Someone told me this sensation lasts long but changes form. Rationally I know my love is not coming back, but a tiny part of me "believes" the contrary. This week I had a flue and I felt terrible, my mother asked me what medicine she should buy and I replied calmly: "my boyfriend". I knew it wasn't possible. My cousin, who lost his father 8 years ago, told me he still dreams with his father telling him: "this is a joke, look at me I'm back". A book that I read that talk about this is "The year of magical thinking" (Joan Didion). she writes: “There was a level on which I believed that what had happened remained reversible”