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https://youtu.be/Wj1Mu3yM-uc

Brad, I'm reading this book. Short chapters, irony, no life lessons nor tears. Good before going to bed. Easy to read. Jonas Jonasson

Dear Darrell, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can relate with your story very much. Take one day at a time, right know you cannot deal with the thought of the future and the memories. It's too hard. It's too soon. With time, in fact with a lot of time (and therapy) I understood that feeling hope against the odds that my soulmate would survive the surgery was the best attitude for him. No goodbyes were said before going to the hospital, no tears, no scenes of despair, no plan B in case he died. I didn't even say "I love you". I was so sure, he was so sure, everybody on the waiting room were sure of success. We were so close to his recovery, to the begining of a new life with his health restored. I could feel it, I swear I did. The last time he looked at me he sent me hope, love and victory. One week later he was gone, he never woke up. I felt guilty for many many months, "I should have seen it coming, I should have thought this and that". I punish myself for not saying "I love you". I should!!!! Why I didn't????? As Brad wisely said, " everything you did, you did out of love and compassion". I didn't say it, I hope to seeing him again. I love him. I still do. And he knows.

Dear Alison, I'm sorry for your loss. As everybody says, take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other and be kind to yourself. I would like to tell you my experience: I'm at 1 year and 3 months, very early, in MY experience is that the pain will lessen, a whole day without crying will arrive, the new you will still be loved by those who truly care about you, The images from the hospital that are hunting you will lessen its destroying effect. These three things have happened to me but with time and with pain in the middle. The why us and all my questions that have no answer, still have no answer. I have struggled until the edge of reason to find them with no success and I quit because not finding them were hurting my soul, and for the same result: no answer at all. I've surrendered, I've no clue about "why". I don't understand God. How you will survive....it's a long road and the how is very personal but I hope you will find yours.

an article that I have just read, and I hope it can be helpful. Peace for 2016.

I don't know about travel groups unfortunately. On the other hand I live on the other side of the world, otherwise I would have loved to start a travel group.

Thank you Janka. Best wishes for you too. I'm sorry to read about your situation at work. Hope it will be resolved for your best.

Dear Brad, I have discussed this "memory" issue my therapist a week ago. I think it is a mix of being distracted, being without focus and disinterest. I have been on a trip 3 weeks ago and a friend stayed with me at home. Unless I focus in this memory, it is not something I actively remember. I had an exam 3 months ago, It took me a lot of effort to study, but it is not present in my memory. 2 weeks ago the cultural center where I volunteer closed for the holidays. I dont miss it at all. Not that I don't or didn't care about volunteer, my friend, my exam, my trip. I put effort on each of them. I believe that my mind and my soul are just in a paralell universe. I think that this is normal, and if it is not, I guess I will have to learn a new skill to be part of the world again. If the support group is not for you anymore, I think that with time you will realise of it. My opinion.

I sincerely hope that this is temporary for all of us. I have became bitter and cynical and I don't like it too. Among my group of friends I used to be the one whose friends came for an advise or insight about their love relationships because I'm a listener type. I cannot do that anymore without being ironic, bitter and cynical. I cannot listen to love and struggle stories without feeling that I have been cheated by love. This will sound like a betrayal to the love I have to my boyfriend, but there are days I would not suggest anybody to fall in love. Still I cannot tell my friends in their 30s "be careful, you could pay the highest price". This is horrible!!! I find very hard to be objective, to not listen to others with the remainder of my pain, of my dreams destroyed. I ask the essential for politeness and then I change subject. I feel horrible. Is this me now or is just simple and pure pain?

I have recurrent dreams about meeting my boyfriend, hugging him and telling "I knew it wasn't true, you healed and you are back". In my dreams i feel the joy of being with him and saying that. A second later is all over again. I cannot fix my feelings and my impossible wishes, they are part of my heart now.

Thank you Janka for your very kind words. I appreciate them.

Dear Gin, I want to believe in afterlife and in meeting the souls of our loved ones. If it is not that way, I guess there will be nothing more to be done. I pick up this thought to guide my mind rather the opposite of it, it makes me feel better. I feel enough sadness to add some more. My soul will find his. I cannot think differently, unless God comes down here and tell me this and that, which won't happen.

This is a very beautiful tribute of your to your Jan. If you like Alejandro Sanz music, you can check on his song "the hardest day", featuring The Corrs.

I am feeling the ambiguity of the events too. While I have been with company, that is still a reminder of my loss. Plus the silence. The phone that doesn't ring, the chat that has no messages. Whatever has been protecting me, it is gone too. I'm having an attack of guilt and I don't know what to do, I'm waiting for that to pass. Today I thought "what if I can't make it? A friend of mine whose father passed away years ago told me that she kept herself busy and very cold about everything, that is how she coped. There are moments I wish that coldness too. This is a long road, it is true. Friends keep telling me that I am doing better. Maybe on the outside and in the external layers of my own self. I feel little has changed in the inside. I'm working on my knitting project now, waiting, waiting...

Dear Janka, what you wrote is very beautiful. I hope you will keep smiling. Christmas Eve and Christmas day were normal days for me. I played being strong and I was glad the holidays were over. Today I checked on youtube some songs me and my boyfriend enjoyed and I started to cry so hard, only feeling my heart broken. Feeling love too? I don't know. I felt pain in my chest as broken glasses in million hurting pieces. But I believe it is still too early to feel differently. I'm still trying to figure out how am I supposed to live without the sight of his eyes, his smile, his face, without his hug and his words of confort and hope. He was hopeful about life, about the future with me by his side. I was his source of hope and power to fight. Am I still any of that? Does he still need me where he is? Is there anything I can do that he needs? As you see, I have so many questions that may never have an answer. I wish I could stop making questions. I've been making questions over and over again. Peace.

When I hear that my boyfriend would be sad too for seeing me sad, I felt more guilty, more ashamed, more vulnerable and less understood. This statement is another one that doesn't help at all in the early days. Bring him back, wake me up from this nightmare and I swear I will smile every second. I understand that nobody wants to stay grieving forever, but at the same time we are not computers to turn on and off our feelings.

Dear Gin, I'm sorry for your loss. Perhaps they feared to upset you, and themselves, if they mentioned your husband. Maybe they don't know how to behave in front of you. Today I didn't call my in-laws. I was very sad. They could think that I moved on, that I don't miss their son. They asked me and I told them that I was sad and unable to make phone calls. My point is that when we grieve we can misunderstand each other. I hope you can talk to them about your feelings.

I'm on autopilot. I'm cooking and trying not to think. I will let autopilot be enough for today

Dear Maryanne, know that we know it isn't a matter of attitude. The pain of our loss is not a choice. We are vulnerable. I wish the world could understand. We are here to hold your hand. on a different issue, I would like to clarify that I'm not against God nor against of people who believe and have faith in him. I just feel hurt about assumptions of God's will and plan mixed with my boyfriend's death.

Thank you Marty for the link, and thank you all for your support. I would like to add to the list "his/her mission on Earth was fullfilled".

I will be thinking of each of you who are travelling with me through this path, and I want to thank you for your words and understanding. I consider this forum a special friend and I'm learning a lot about your stories and from your reflections Our spouses are holding our hands. I wish you peace.

I'd like to see SW too, but I don't like to go to the movies alone. I'll wait for netflix. I hope you will get well soon.

Dear Kay, I hope snow will stop where you live and that internet will be back soon. I wish you a serene Xmas, stay safe and warm. Thank you for your compassionate heart and for helping us who are new in this journey.

I need again to write down my angry. My dad has just told me that things happen for a reason, that an X event is God's will. I was shocked....my father saying this to me, so my boyfriend's death is a reason and so on? I swear that if I ever hear this statement again said to me I will explode. There are days that I'm tired of being polite and understanding that people has no idea and that I must be strong and endure those comments. I'm sure I'm wrong but I'm just so dammed tired of hurting remarks coming from people I care.

dear Maryanne, some days the brave mask gets very heavy and we need to rest, allow the emotions of grief to come and go. This is maybe one of those days for you. Be kind with yourself.