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Thank you Anne for sharing your thoughts. I too wonder if grief will always be such a presence in my life. Today I have been reflecting on our dreams which are forever gone. We were supposed to get married this year. Perhaps that is the reason why I cannot see any picture of a future, even in the short term.

This is familiar to me too. I usually complained about the fact that my boyfriend was weak to take me out, but never to him, but to the universe, god, etc. How stupid I feel. I was healthy, what did I knew about sicknesses? After he died, I had a felling like it was me and his disease that stayed here. I felt as if she was inside of my body, which is impossible. She was the guest in our relationship and we fought so hard for a happy ending. A virus, an invisible thing, destroyed everything. Hard to accept

I can relate with what all of you have expressed. I'm in my 30s and I had few years with my boyfriend, the feelings and struggles are quite the same. people tell me that I'm doing well, that I seem to be better. I usually reply a platitude just not to go deeper in the subject. But my mind says "wow, I'm becoming a very good actress" and this scares me because I have never felt so apart from the world as now and I hate that I cannot shout the truth "this is awful, I'm sad and I feel empty". Someone even suggested me to find a new boyfriend. Time ago I would have cursed her. I replied: haha If he die too and I have to go through all of it again? Can I dare to have my heart broken again? Do I dare to walk through this one more time for love? Is love so important to risk to grieve and feel this pain twice? I don't judge, I admire those who do. I feel I can't. I knew true love, I met the one who completed me and he was taken away from me.

I understand that. I am careless about my so-called "achievements". I'm aware that whatever is going on is because my boyfriend has died. I'm back to college, I have received the results of some tests, and I was like: ok, I passed. End. Stop. I'm right here because he is not. I go on, but yet I cannot make myself "care" or "appreciate". The empty shell is a good metaphor. I'm at day 414 and I magically think, sometimes, that my boyfriend may come back.

I don't know what to say. I think that in the end it is just about what we believe and have faith in. Who can tell you what to think? Who can tell you: this is real, this isn't? How did you feel afterwards?

This is very good news. I hope you will find good workers. With regards to sleep issues, have you tried doing some walk before going to bed? I usually take a small walk and when I am back, I don't turn on the TV or go through internet, I take a shower and go directly to bed.

Dear Gwenivere, to me the first anniversary was a numb day too, and I "woke up" many days later. I don't know why, I feared that anniversary so much, I don't remember what I did that day. People cannot understand unless they have been through a major loss. A week ago I met some friends, they were discussing about a woman whose behaviour has been erractic lately. Someone mentioned that a year ago she lost her twin sister to cancer. I am usually silent at meetings, but I had to say: "you cannot see it, right? she is grieving, of course she is not doing well, she lost her sister". Instead of feeling frustrated, I felt thankful that they have not a clue of how it feels. They are still safe from this hell.

I don't think you are not being oversensitive. It takes a lot of inner strength to be in bigger groups and focus in casual conversation when you are grieving. However, you are trying, and that's a big step. There is a poem that says "when I was young, I used to think that life was beautiful, that life was good, that life was fair. But now, now I am running away and I am crying, because I cannot pretend to be part of a world I am no longer belong to" (translated, diary of a young widow)

Dear Debi, I wish you strength for next week.

I had to left the apartment we were renting, I moved back with my parents. I could not stand the pain, I had stopped eating. I know it was a decission taken in a rush, but looking back, it was the right decission. I am grateful that I have my family close, they are very supportive. I know it is said not to make decissions in the first year but I had no choice. I could not stay there without him, and alone. However, I miss our home. I am in year number two. I can tell you that the pain is not as umbearable as it is in the early months. It evolves. You learn to cope. In my experience, rather than pain, it is more about a subtle sadness that is always there. I still miss him, and a part of me is still waiting him to come back.

well, actually it is more about coincidence, or sincronic events. This will sound stupid but I am pretty sure that my bf shows up as a specific bird type. Here, I am writing this and I can hear this bird singing. This type of bird has showed up many times in front of me out of nowhere. I can hear them singing when I walk. This morning I took courage to open our skype chat archives, and there it was, the bird singing. Am I crazy? Is is magical thinking? He is still singing. Tonight I had a dream with him but I cannot remember anything, he seemed to be ok and he seemed glad to be with me. I remember the feeling but not what has happened. I trust my dreams and my SIL dreams, in her dreams he speak to her quite clearly about many subjects. She has a gift. I spent a lot of time too reading about the afterlife, more focused on religion and philosophy, i invested a lot of effort to understand, and you know what? I ended up with not being sure about anything, and feeling more frustrated. My boyfriend must be thinking "what are you doing? What are you looking for? I am here in front of you". I am no expert, but if you feel like you cannot express yourself at counselling, change for another one or leave it. Maybe you are not ready, or it is not the therapist for you, or you can express your grief in a different way. Harleyquinn, I think you have taken good "measures" for your reading! And I liked your tatoo.

I have read about quantum physics too, and a lot about astronomy. I have been experiencing strange things, but I am not sure if a medium can validate those experiences. I have read about readings but never heard about them personally. I am so confused about all of this subject. My dreams have changed and my boyfriend does not show up. I am dreaming more about my feelings. Some days I am so tired about the spiritual side of grief. Are you still going to counseling? Does it help you?

Hello Debi, I am glad you are back to the forum. With regards to the documentary, I don't know what to say, or better, I don't know what to believe. I am sure there is an afterlife, but with regards to the power of mediums I am still skeptical. I am St Thomas type, see it to believe it. I have contacted one through email but I havent made a choice to make an appointment. On a different note, the music from the video was very beautiful...

I tell you that I admire your strength to work out. I don't like going to the gym. If that is an useful tool, keep using it, even if it means to cry in between. KayC, I came across that poem by chance, it was in a book of political thriller, that I read (try to) on month 1. I didn't finish the book, but I kept the poem in my heart.

This is a piece of a poe that helps me when I need him. And if I go, while you're still here... Know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure --behind a thin veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith. "Ascension"

Thank you Marty, I'm going through my second year. Although I don't feel intense pain all the time and I can engage in activities, I feel sadness under the surface.

I understand that too well. I have no clue of how to deal with not being so hard to myself. This is a trait of my character, but it became worse after my boyfriend passed away. I'm without his love and his words to make things better or to see them from a different perspective.

Dear Harleyquinn, this week I'm lacking of words, my brain is in stand by.... Today I have been told to be kind to myself and I tell you too. When you think you were doing well and then all falls apart, remember that you are going through the most painful journey, and hold on. There will come the day, and the hours, that you will fel ok again for no reason, embrace these hours too. It has been a year for me, I can tell you that without noticing, there will come better days. I contacted too a medium, I wrote her an email. But I am not sure....I am afraid of being dissapointed or being told things such as "his soul lives in paradise and is not here any longer". ,

Congratulations!

Dear Debi, I am very sorry and we are here holding your hand through this very difficult time.

Dear Amily, I'm sorry for your loss. It's really too soon to be able to think right, and it is your pain that is leading your emotions and behaviour. Try to be kind to yourself, drink a lot of water, sleep, eat, and take a shower. I don't know if you live alone or you have relatives/friends close to you. Try to reach them. Ask them to help you. I remember little of those first days. Take one hour at a time.

Dear Brad, I understand too when you say that you put under question small attitudes towards your wife. A friend suggested me that the reason why I am focusing on episodes in the past is because he died, that if he were alive I wouldnt feel so guilty and a failure. However, we can't avoid these feelings. I hope that with time their power will be lessen.

I understand... I remember some thoughts such as: "this is my fault, he decided to go on surgery to give us-me a better quality of life. I've caused this". His mother thought that because she wasn't allowed to be on the surgery room, and since it was the first time she wasn't with him in hospital, that lack of maternal presence brought the end. Somehow we must find a way (or let it be time) to "convert" this thougts full of guilt and "I should have" that are hurting so bad. I repeat this to myself "7 days at ICU, (when I failed in being strong, talking to him while in coma, saying goodbye) cannot define our entire relationship. I am a human being who was facing something that was out of my power and scared of loosing the thing I love the most". We must find a way to forgive ourselves. I don't know how, I cannot offer practical advice on this. I wish there was a pill to swallow and that's it. Guilt over.

Dear Debbi, I'm very sorry, I can understand, and I think all of us do. I'm sure that we haven't failed them, but it feels like we did. Why? Because we weren't able to prevent/foreseen their deaths? because love wasn't enought to keep them alive? I'm too still struggling.....

I have lost my partner a year ago. Nothing seems much resolved to me, apart from the fact that I have somehow survived.