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I feel this type of anger too. I guess I was trying to answer the question : why him? Of course there is no reply. Thank you Marty for the article.

Dear Harry, thanks for sharing these thoughts. You put down in words what I have tried, with no success, to explain to my friends, who cannot understand the deep of my loss (my boyfriend, my love, passed away a year ago) Personally, I have decided to choose the word "integration" rather than "acceptance" or "closure" to describe this process.

I had an exam today, the first exam since a long time. I decided to go back to college so as to be able to focus on something else, to challenge myself, to persist. I have been a good student. I failed the exam. I studied so hard, it was a difficult exam. I feel I am total failure. I feel lost. I broke down in tears, I thought I was going forward. I feel I will never be the one I used to be and I am devastated about it. I feel it is me who is dead. Where is my old self? Nothing will survive from tragedy? I want my boyfriend back, I call his name in despair. I feel so stupid for crying for an exam.

I mostly talk to my boyfriend in my head. I don't have a car, so when I'm out and walk, I sing love songs to him aloud. I'm crazy too.

Maryann, I'm sorry too for what has happened today. I can understand when you say: "I am so far from the person that I used to be, and cannot handle it". I read that we must deal with the question: "who am I, now that he/she is gone"? I haven't found an answer for myself. I still don't recognize myself. A month ago I had a job interview, I went to the interview totally unprepared, I didn't even bother to wear a suit. I didn't prepare myself for Q&A. That's so far from what I used to be, committed, responsible, with attention to details. Of course I didn't get the job. I blamed myself for being so careless about an opportunity I had been given. Later, I could understand that this woman on that interview was not me, I was in so much pain that day, it was my pain being present at the interview. I hope tomorrow will be a better day at work for you.

Dear Lisa, I am sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. I lost my boyfriend, the love of my life, a year ago. How to cope.... what I had to learn was to go on one day at a time, one hour at a time. A year later I can go on one week (or two) at a time. To grief is described as a work, and I believe it is. It is to learn how to walk again, knowing that our dreams are behind, the present is painful and the future is covered with a thick fog. I have found in therapy a way to cope with all the familiar and unfamiliar guests coming from grief, from the emotions you described, to the questions I (still) have, to the non-stop film about my boyfriend's last days in hospital. I read a lot of material about grief, loss, afterlife. Some people keep a journal. I write down quotes from books, articles, and I read them again. And this forum has helped me too. People here understand and are very compassionate.

Dear Redwendy, I'm very sorry for the loss of your Andy. I don't have the answer to your questions, but when the pain is too real and umbearable as it is now, please hold on. Hold on. And hold on. The wisest advice I received was: stay in the present, one day at a time, one hour at a time. Going to counseling is a very good first step. I learned from this journey that time alone doesn’t help you to deal with the pain from your loss. If I go to bed and I wake up in 20 years, time has passed but I would feel the same. When the love of my life died all I could hear was: "you shouldn't be focusing on your pain too much, it's going to get worse and you’re harming yourself". Pain is to be placed under the carpet. It is a lonely road, but at the same time it is not. The people from this forum understand. I find a lot of support here. I hope you will too.

We were lucky to have them.

I too question if it is my boyfriend for real or not. I think it was "him" only a couple of times. Who has read a book about dreams that can be suggested?

Dear Debi, I met two psychologists, this therapist and a woman. I picked up the man because he had a more "compassionate" approach to my grief. The woman was very professional, but her first statement was that I was prepared for my boyfriend's death (unconsciously) and that I had to figure out how I was going to continue my life. At that moment (a month after his death) I could not hear anything about my future, my life, or my supposed preparation towards his death (I was NEVER prepared). I felt she has been too direct to me. So I chose the man because I felt more comfortable with his approach.

I had a dream about wanting to call my boyfriend and not remembering his number. My SIL had a similar dream too. In my dreams he is usually silent and I'm very talkative. Quite the opposite as I used to be the "listener" in the couple.

Beautiful piece, Debi. Happy bday to your mum. I'm sure she was involved in the telephone episode.

I totally relate to this. He was my spot.

My therapist doesn't have set goals or strategies, we discuss many issues and I make a lot of questions. Maybe that strategy wouldnt work for me, we are all different. As Brad said, I find it to be very helpful because I feel free to express my feelings face to face without upseting anyone. And I can freely cry. Somrtimes I think that I'm paying to have a conversation, to be listened to. Well, it has helped me. Today I'm going to the meeting, I go once every 2 weeks. We have talked about the afterlife and the soul, he told me his idea, i told him mine, and we have been developing a framework about that. I'm no expert, it is the first time I 'm going to therapy.

my psychologist (there isn't a grief counselor in town) told me many things about soul, love, afterlife, communication and etc, and I was shocked too to hear that coming from him. I thought I would discuss my psychology, but I was relieved that I could stay in that tune. It is a year that I have been attending his meetings. I don't want to judge a professional, but I feel well talking about feelings and doubts, the soul, about religious beliefs too. We don't always agree, but it is fine. the first sessions are difficult, but trust your feelings. If you feel comfortable, keep going.

I have mixed feelings about people's remarks. I think some people try to find a sense for Them, try to confort Them and validate Their beliefs, forgetting US. However, what I cannot tolerate are the statements about my boyfriend being sick therefore he was going to die. And on top, "THERE IS A REASON, things happens for a Reason" Through this journey, we are learning to "sense" who can walk with us. And you have right to feel sensitive about any comment that hurts you. KayC you are right, during this time is better to avoid those who upset us.

I don't know why, many times i sobb in the bus. Not because of triggers. It happens. i carry sunglasses with me :/ I'm glad your first session went ok.

Dear Kristine, It's not easy to not grieve most of the time. I understand you. I am sure Andre forgives you and understands you because he loves you so much, just as before. how can it be differently? You mention your art. Perhaps you can re-take your art?

I'm so sorry Marianne. It is like learning to walk all over again. We all understand your tears and your frustration. I'm sorry you had to also hear that out-of the place remark about the better place.

Dear Harleyquinn and Debbie, and all of us. To grief is exhausting, specially in the early months. "Why it hurts so bad? Because it (your love) was real". I'm going through year 1. I wrote in my thread that I had a complete week feeling ok, and since a couple of days I'm feeling sad. Instead ofe xcrutiating pain, there is sadness. Probably it is worse, because you feel nothing but emptiness and lack of sense. It is not because I'm doing nothing, but because nothing fills me. Things fill my time, but not me. Today I signed up for a postgraduate course. "Good, it's something to look forward to" I should think. "Good for you, you are doing better" my parents told me....but I feel nothing about it. After a year, I am still suprised about some well-meaning remarks I'm being told, people still have that "look" of being unconfortable, and I still have that look "what are you talking about?" Maybe I'll need 50 years of inner work to integrate all of it in my life. I choose this word to describe my process. I feel unconfortable about "acceptance" "closure" "resignation" "move on". I miss him so bad. There are no words to express it. This is the core of all of it. I miss him and I there is nothing I can do about it.

I've too been thinking of the decades I have ahead without my boyfriend. I'm ashamed to confess that right now I don't want to live that long without him. But then, what do I know about fate? I can be gone tomorrow or at 90 years old. Harleyquinn, what you are writing about changing careers and support people who are going through what Michael did is very inspiring. I'm too thinking about changing careers and go back to university. But I cannot see clearly what I really want. In the early days I wanted to devote myself to raise awareness on health issues, but then I realised I didn't want to deal with his disease again. I've been changing ideas every day about what to do with my life.

Thank you Marty!

Dear Kristine, I'm sorry for your loss. It's been a year for me too, and during this first year this forum has helped me a lot. Also, my golden retriever. Pets are very healing. When my partner passed away I had to left the apartment we were renting. I miss our home but I couldn't stay. I'm living with my parents. Nothing reminds me of him here? Is it better? I don't know. Marty, I often hear the "let him go", but implying "let him go, find love again and be happy". Implying that what remains are just "memories". Do you have a suggested reading about this "let go" issue?

This is how I feel too. I rationally understand he is not suffering anymore and he is in peace, but at the same time he wanted this "down here", with me. He fought for that his whole life and we didn't make it. But I stopped asking why. I believe it takes long time to find out who we are now that they are gone. Debi, I don't remember in which thread I read that you are having a meeting with a grief counselor, I hope it is going to be helpful. I still attend regular meetings. It helps me.

Thank you Harleyquinn for your words. What I like about this forum is that we can also share our beliefs. On another note, what I really hope is that the afterlife is a funny place too, and that they serve the best coffee of the universe. I cannot immagine my love in peace but annoyed in a cloud, he was very funny, and loved coffee.