Gwenivere

I just made an appointment to finally have my carpets cleaned Thursday. I hope I can handle it. I told them this time I cannot mov things like lamps out of harms way as I can’t get to plugs under the couch. Also that all furniture has to go back exactly where it was. Don’t have the strength to move it. If I can get thruthis I’ll feel a bit better about the house. Calld the vet bout bloodwork for Ally and they do housecalls......for $160 over the $54 in clinicss fee. Got a message from the back surgeon saying I could get the surgery scheduled soon and skip the cortisone injections the pain clinic wants to do. Said try the gabapentin which I said I didn’t want to take. Have that hours long vein scan Monday if I decide to go thru with it. All I know is I wake up in more anxiety and stress by the day. I don’t know how much more I can take. Just like the pain. I think about that surgery and rehab and flip out. How I would be so homebound for months.....literally. Today I have nothing to go out for but will go for my sanity. It feels like surgery may help my body but push me ove the edge mentally. In fact, I know it would. I cannot see being away from my kids when I know Ally needs care. No one to help and this nightmare never ends. I can’t keep up the pretense this will ever get manageable. Why cant I cry and see if that helps? Has anyone ever been that shutdown? Too depressed to cry?

Oh Gin, I had no idea you went thru so much before finding Al. Investing so much of your life in one and having the experience of suicide. You truly deserved Al and it seems criminal he was taken from you. Really makes me rethink just how deep loss can be when we find the true love we did. had to edit much spelling. My iPad decides to change what I type for some reason. Makes it look like I was drinking.

Thatvis an awesome story, Marg. Very much like Steve and I going thru so many rough patches but the chemistry could never be broken for long. We were like magnets. Even 2 years once couldn’t break the hold. We’d find excuses to get together. Our dog was a great one since she was our kid, mail, something he forgot, etc. We split up twice and both times it wouldn’t hold. I believe those times tightened our bond to unbreakable. I know after the last one it was never an option or needed. We finally worked hard at our marriage and got it right. That is why I am so angry about the cancer. what right it have to take that away? Steve was tall and strong. I miss those arms too. So very much.

That’s where we differ, Marg. To go in my sleep would be ideal. I’ve seen too many conscious deaths and they are usually filled with chaos and fear. Rarely peace. Steve was restless in some unknown world for days. The day he left he was finally calm and appeared sleeping. He deserved that for the hell he went through for years. I know the prayer but it wasn’t used in my childhood. Just drift off in sleep and keep drifting. Wow, we sure are talking about some dark stuff, but I think this isolation is getting to everyone. I d know the worry hits me going to sleep too often. It’s a worry if I can handle another day. Most days I’m disappointed I woke up. Quite the opposite of my dogs that are estastic. It means breakfast for them. If only that could rev me up in such delight!

I’ll tell ya, Kay, as morbid as it sounds, I often think too maybe I’ll die before I have to face some things that I know are just too massive to contemplate. I think that’s a pretty normal reaction when there is so much ahead that is overwhelming. Staying in the moment is tough when the moments are hard too. Just now Ally pooped in the house,she didn’t know it, and I had to drag out the shop vac because she stepped in some so it was paw prints to clean up. Otherwise it would have been simple to pickup. I guess, as my own friend, I pat my back and say well done. So another day begins on a bad start. My legs feel funny so I am hoping no numbnes incidents. I could turn off high alert mode in my gut. I hate being so edgy. Yet I could sleep when the alarm goes off. How do people fill a week? I’m looking at this week with just 2 days of counseling not being able to do some of the tasks others are accomplishing as they aren’t in horrible pain. Or at least more functional. Maybe tougher. It’s so unfair being so limited and tons of time when you were a go go go person. But then, life isn’t very fair, is it? I did too much today so I’ve got days now with nothing. Then I focus too much on the grief and that is not good.

Decided to get the oil changed in Steve’s van as I had a coupon and needed something to do. When I was trying to put the van back in I hit the house and cracked the back bumper. It’s very minor for how bad it sounded. Then I had to move all my med stuff back to my car. I’m so tired of having something go wrong because I am not all there mentally. I’ve backed into that cramped spot so many times. I just wanted to cry. Things happen all the time but it seems a day can’t go by ithout something that makes me feel more alone and almost jinxed. I had bought a bottle of wine I really didn’t need and went back and forth both mentally and physically about returning it. Actually drove back to the store. Kept it as I may wake up someday and not be able or want to leave. I’m seeing more and more needing attention around the house. I can see how some people wind up living in poorly kept houses. Not because they are lazy, they just can’t do it or stop caring. So you adapt to it. I don’t want to Do that. I want to clean our home because it’s all 'us'. Everything’s neat from lack of use. Just dusty and furry because I can’t keep up with it easily. I’m that way about myself too. Used to keep my hair down all day. Now pin it up again every morning and call it good. I hardly recognize myself with it down. I only see it briefly. The only thing that feels really good is sitting in the shower. The water, no back pain, refreshing, just want to be in there for hours. Escape. But the getting out and dressed is hard. Just want to get to my chair and sit. Am I the only one living with lower standards because it just gets to be too much? I sure miss dragging out whatever and sprucing up what needs or comes to mind.

I wouldn’t think they can do that, Kay, without your permission. Plus taking meds back is prohibited in Washington. Do you have an online account to change you preferences? Or you should be able to tell them to only notify you and then you can decide. I’m only going by how I deal with Walgreens here. Your version of CVS. They will ship them IF I request it, not otherwise. I can’t get some meds off my auto fill list so I just leave them there till they say they will put them back on the shelf if I don’t claim them. I definitely know the hair pulling of phone calls about this stuff. There was a time I had the patience as Steve never did about this kind of stuff. Dealing with this was my job, his was tech stuff so now I get that to rip out more hair over. Hope you get it straightened out.

Ana, I’m in my 6th year too and can absolutely relate to what you feel. I’m not trying to go back because I know it can’t be done. But I have not found that lessening of pain many talk about. Or the breaks from it are fraught with different problems as well so it seems there is never one. I read all those self help things and don’t give them a real chance. That’s on me. Being much older than you, I am guessing I fight more ailments which really is a challenge trying to maintain the basic core of the person I have always been. I’m very displeased with myself for not being stronger. My list of self focused disappointments is very long. Especially helping myself. I feel defeated on all fronts. I have yet to find anything that brings relief. Mine has been so bad for the last year. I was on a forward grief path and fell off. I know it was because life hit me with too much and those things have remained. If some had resolved, I might be doing better. That is the only thing I can truly put my finger on as reason I have returned to a deeper hell regarding Steve’s loss. Marg's last 2 paragraphs above are filled with a wisdom that truly humbles me. I’m not looking for another love as she is right, unless you can do that without comparing, you will never find it. I don’t want one anyway. I do want a connection of closeness with another human being that can make me feel valued as that is what is missing. Marg may not (tell me if I’m wrong here, Marg) feel she herself matters much, but she does to people around her. Which gives her drive to be there for them. So what do we do when we don’t have that and are now cut off from opportunities because of this isolation? This is the stumbling block. I can make therapy, doctor appointments and task lists, but they won’t give me that. I had that from volunteering but that is gone. I keep finding more voids. I don’t create them, but now seem to be at a loss of how to coexist with them. Maybe even fill them a bit. I wish I knew how to use my time wisely as Marg says. I sure have a lot of it. One thing I do know it’s up to each of us to care and value ourselves now. I haven’t been able to do it yet, but I did once. Not because Steve would have wanted it, or god or it was expected, but because that is how we live, not merely exist. There is only so much I can blame on losing Steve or my health. So my conundrum is where did I lose me? I think that is where you are too. I truly wish I knew some answers. I will say I have gained true empathy and deeper caring for others around me. Those are good things. Gifts many do not have. So it’s off to another day of loneliness in hopes something happens to make trying again tomorrow a small goal.

The combo is truly having a profound effect, that’s becoming evident daily. I know that is why I’m thinking dark, unhealthy thoughts. I can't do basic chores that least feel I am keeping up with things. The house is in order, but I’d like to be able to do things when needed and not have to wait on housekeepers that inevitably leave things moved I have to put back correctly. It’s really all more than that. It is the loss of ability to take care of my own, the loss of being able to move about freely. I expect age related pain, but not this severity. I also hate my covid house and appearance. The 'I don’t care' attitude I fall into. Yet inside I do. That’s the conflict all day. What a mess about your test strips. I’m glad it worked out but cost you so much frustration and time. That seems to be the way of life now. When I get a cheerful person on the phone I am amazed. They are usually people at work and not locked up so they are with peers. I’m getting to know if someone is working from home. And then there are those cheery people that just are. They I envy. Steve was one. He was never the kind to be brought down easily. He would be my prescription to handle this better as he wouldn’t let me get so inward focused. Wouldn’t anyway because he was here. He found humor and light in just about everything. He was my personal Jimmy Fallon if you’re watching his show from his house. I so miss his ability to magnify the light of life.

Same here. I really don’t se how things can go back to what we knew. This has been too life altering and created more ways for people to be disconnected and rely on technology. Tech is great, but something that I feel we need to temper with our primal selves. All in all, it’s really not how we ever functioned until this small sliver in time. Every day I’m confronted by the lack of human contact. I wouldn’t want to lose places like this or having a cell phone for emergencies. Access to information gets confusing tho. But making friends I’d never have known is a plus. I use this tablet so much for any idle moment. Been forcing myself to at least read magazines. I’d watch the news but the protests are distressing and ther local stuff is glossed over. Grass looking greener always, I’m amazed at all you do in a day. I can barely walk from the front of the house to the back. Going out for chores is a major endeavor now. I had a very odd experience at the Dollar Tree. An item got scanned accidentally 3 times when I only had 2. I went back in and a manager came over then went back to checking people out. I raised my voice a bit to be heard asking what are they going to do? A woman that had just checked out got angry at me and shoved a dollar bill in my hand. I told her I didn’t want her dollar and she ranted on about it seemed that was all I cared about and I would be holding up other people trying to pay and leave. I told her this was their mistake, I’m just trying to fix it. Granted, this was merely a dollar. Finally the manager scans the item and has me sign some voucher but doesn’t give me any money, mumbled something about exchanges or get another one which they were out of. I said why do I feel like the bad guy? You guys gave me nothing so the store got money for nothing. So I left with this crazed woman’s dollar and screamed profanities all the way home. (No one can tell me now this pandemic isn’t getting to people). In hindsight I should have stood my ground but I was so tired and fed up and thought about that woman thinking I was a nut job. I guess it wouldn’t bother her if she got overcharged. Or maybe I am a nut job, it was just a buck! This isn’t (never is) to get caught up with angry people. It’s contagious as I proved to myself driving home. Absolutely crazy for such a little thing and I got caught up in it. Now I’m sitting home in the usual depression with that added.

Dee, there are no words to convey how deeply sorry I am you lost her. Like everyone, I am glad you were not alone. We see all this ugliness happening in the world and these pure, sweet beings that show us real love and caring are taken from us. Please keep letting us know how you are doing. We love you. ❤️

Thank you, Marg. It has been a very bad day with a complication I didn’t anticipate among my worries. Always get new surprises and not welcome ones. Yesterday was most embarrassing so I’ll not share any details. It just adds another thing I had to Google and get freaked out about. Thank you for validating my worth. It is something we should be able to do for ourselves, but some days it’s out of reach.

Oh, here’s the link to that article fo those interested.....

I just read an article about going back. Some find relief there. They are the people with full lives they want to get back to and never had so much time to revisit and feel the bad times or waiting on good times to return. They do talk about anxiety and depression. Grief about what may be lost forever. I know we are all adjusting to pandemic rules, but we are no strangers to being extranged from human contact and mattering to a special someone. We have lived in that world for a very long time. I still weary of hearing from others how hard it is, these last 3 months. I know it is to them, but repeatedly hearing it and how they now feel like snapping is what I have felt for years. It’s hard to be sympathetic. I only we could organize a protest about grief and take that somewhere and be with like minded people. This really does make sense for us. We are being bombarded with info on change (tho it be about daily living with a virus), but it’s change nonetheless and we’ve had our fill of it and now have to endure more. And like grief, no answers for how long. Tho we know it won’t go away ever as some of this other change won’t either, but people will be able to reconnect. All those people missing hugs from those they are separated from will get that back. We won’t. Since Steve and I never had kids and lost our parents, I was ill prepared for utter loneliness. I lost his sister and my closest relative as well. Then 4 close friends. What I have now are shadows of being connected to life. If it wasn’t for the people here and a couple of limited buddies in person, I’d be totally invisible. Marg talked about those woods she went to after Billy died. I’m in them now wandering around. No one needing or wanting me. Can’t find my disappearing created much, if any, ripples. It’s pretty dense and dark in here. Sorry, just have to get it out. My counselors help, but I’m on the clock with them.

Well, another night of a take out sub sandwich,way too many potato chips and dark chocolate. Butt parked in the couch counting the hours to bed so I can sleep and do it all over again. Did some reading on the treatments I’ve been offered for my escalating pain. Not very encouraging. Tooth cleaning today if I can take the chair. Want to hit the grocery but not sure how my leg will be. Been watching my dog just stare out the door. She has trouble walking too. We look a each other with a knowing look of how we both feel. Long for the days we could play or relax with ease. Not necessity. So wish Steve was here so this structure I’ve created could be more flexible. I find myself doing tasks in the wee hours because I’m lost and no anchor anymore. Things I would do that can wait like filling pill boxes. Usually lay out 2 weeks worth but now every 5 days or so. I’m always afraid I won’t feel like doing it later as I get sadder every day and don’t want to have anything hanging over me I’d have to make an effort to do. It’s so ironic that I do so little energy wise but I’m so very tired. Guess it’s tired of being alone. Tired of this reality. Tired of wanting to talk to him and he’s nowhere to be found.

It came to light here that the rioters and vandals were not associated with the paceful protesters. These were all gangs and people that saw an opportunity to loot stores while the public and police were distracted. As they did it again the next night the police wised up andwas prepared last night when they showed up at various malls attempting to do the same thing and were arrested. Unfortunately the curfew stays in effect until this is under control. This will threaten attempts to reopen parts of city services. How selfish people can be. I don’t know how these people think, of maybe that’s the point.....they don’t. Not beyond themselves. Why people think they deserve unpaid for goods eludes me. That they see no ethical standard for a civilized society.

You’re not in the wrong forum to share the news of your dad passing, Marg. We would want to know that. If that were you’re only loss there is the other forum. But it’s definitely OK to share losing someone else close here. We all know how they pile up especially having to face them without our partners. Kay lost her dog, Metal his grandfather. I wish you would have shared this as we all care about your whole being. But I also respect your privacy too. ❤️

I reached a frustration level yesterday now that curfews are in force. Damned rioters had to go and make things worse. I’m as angry at them now for making a huge challenging time even worse. They probably will ruin moving towards phase 2 for us and threw out the possibility of 1.5 they were going to try. I’m furious knowing today will be another day no knowing hours of stores or businesses to add to this craziness. The people I talk to ot there and from here are getting restless. Some are facing challenges and pain they haven’t shared yet. I hope to see everyone soon checking in on how they are doing. If ever we need each other, it’s now. hugs to you all! 💖

Seattle and all surrounding cities in curfew tonight. As Kieron and Gin said, we are watching our beloved cities crumble before us. All under the stress of a pandemic unlike ever seen in modern history. So the view is an ending of the world we knew and uncertainty of what will remain and be rebuilt. War zone is right physically and mentally. We don’t even have to wait for post traumatic stress, it’s here right now.

That so perfectly describe how this feels. There is some kind of barrier now between me and the world. Times I know I should care much more than I do about others. But I can’t break thru this 'blanket'. I know it’s not of my own doing because inside I am dying to connect with people fully. Thee is alway a part of me withheld in my own pain no matter what the circumstance. Whether it’s dreading when something is actually said about what they are doing or I actually see it. Even watching my new neighbors work the yard together or sit by a little fire having a beer together. Seeing deliveries of food to my others and knowing they are cooking dinner together. That’s the key word. Together. I just got the mail today and there was a MasterCard for Steve from PayPal. 5 years he’s gone and he gets a credit card on an account that has lain dormant all that time. Now I must dispose of it. Simple to physically do, not in my heart tho. I should be thinking do I tell him about this or save him from himself in jest? I also know well that feeling of not comprehending what someone is telling me fully. I often have to have people repeat things. Echo back what they said to see if I got it. It’s very hard to navigate a world you don’t feel your are totally in anymore and also being treated like you are but feel impotent inside. I so often have to tell people I’m just so 'tired' to easily cover something they wouldn’t understand. Blame it on something else. Fortunately, Kay, I’ve not run into that situation much. Maybe dogs barking, that’s OK. But I have had people have to go because of commitments with their partners. Every Sunday my Zoom buddy ends with she has to go make their dinner. Sometimes our buddy that comes up to do chores for me just says he needs to run it past his wife if she has plans for him. I don’t think I could handle hearing conversations. Tha falls into the Lewis quote above. I’ve felt pinches of it when around people and they get a cell call from spouse or kid. I do think it is rude what you described, This is forced hermitude. Not only grief but the pandemic and very hard mentally. It’s changing me from not wanting to be around people anymore as it’s too much a reminder of that aloneness. My physical pain is doing that too. Keeping me from things that might bridge some of the disconnection. So much so that walking from the front of the house to the back is a dreaded action. It’s a perfect mix for emotional distress. As I have felt before, I don’t know where that old me has gone. The biggest and most horrible fate is her never coming back and as I look around at my future and options, I don’t see how she can. So is this existence worth enduring? That’s my question to myself everyday.

Another cold yucky day. Waiting on Direct TV to hook me up the internet. Said it takes hours to do and then I guess I’ll have to figure out how to get Netflix going. Ugh, where the hell is Steve? This is soooo not my job. Well, he came and went. My DVR can’t be connected to the internet and work correctly. Had to buy a fire stick (?) the tech said could get me streaming Netflix, Hulu and a few others. I did that and waiting to hear when he can stop by and install it. Will do the upgrade box switch when I’ve depleted my recordings. had a dream about my long passed cousin/brother last night. Don’t remember much except he was taller than usual but I was so overjoyed to see him and we hugged tightly for a long time. It felt so good. To see his face, hear his voice, feel his embrace made me want to stay there forever. It was a moment that I felt safe and things would be OK. Don’t know why he popped up. Lost him just before Steve was diagnosed in 2009. Going out today was very hard. Always the pain and emptiness. Had a Zoom visit with a buddy. Then she had to go make dinner for them. I came home and rearranged snacks by date. It gets that pathetic around here. News was running reaction to yesterday’s riots saying it was gangs that took advantage of the protests to get in. Was happening in an adjoining city across the lake except this time the police were prepared as they stormed a mall to loot it. Grabbing people as they came out with clothes still on hangers or attempting to go in with garbage bags to fill. It never entered my mind to plan on looting today. I’m perpetually amazed how days can get lonelier as they pass. Supposed to go to the pain clinic tomorrow and hope I can make it in because I’m in too much pain. Begins another week with places open so wondering what will be the challenges this one. Got mail last week about Medicare. Just what I want to think about. I keep thinking back to our 40’s and mid 50's when life was nice and finally settled. How we lived a good a good one. I’m trying to think of hard things we had to fight and don’t remember anything. We were still building our life with more new things. A big catastrophe might be maybe running out of propane during a BBQ night. Dogs running about in youth and delight. Packages that came because Steve was an Amazon junkie. I still get my candles, but now nicotine upplies because we smoked and I miss after dinner or reward cigs when working around here. I didn’t have this tablet because I didn’t need it. My hooks and fav shows were fulfilling enough. I’m beginning to think loneliness is life threatening. How long can you live as a shell and no reason. 5 years and nothing tio look forward to. Now I want those things Steve would have upgraded to learn how to use. New DR. Streaming. Even Zoom conferencing to start on my own with people that still were here. Who knows, by now he he nay have talked me into a smart phone so we could see each other on check ins or when I was shopping so I could show him things. I just want to go to bed and wake up with him again. The rest would fill in itself.

The people involved in the riots weren’t there because of what happened in Michigan, IMO. They were there because of frustration (be it the pandemic, other racial events, prior police actions, anger that had no place in planned opposition). They may defeat the purpose of what could bring racism to the forefront it deserves and ruin it. They deserve to be arrested and punished, but where could they put them all? I doubt law enforcement will be able to do much as everyone was wearing masks. About the only thing that can be done is public shaming of the citizens that turned a statement for change into selfish acts deserving of punishment also. Not only that, they now have added to more covid infections possibilities that will set back phases of reopening much less irreparably harmed the smalll businesses that were iffy to survive. Absolute shame on these people. And for marking all police offices by the acts a few. I support Seattle PD. Seen them do some amazing things beyond call of duty. They go out every day to possible harm or death. Not all are perfect, but show me a group that is. I will not vilify our police for one in Michigan. And what about the othe cops that were there? Why haven’t we heard more about them?

I don’t know what today will bring, but I don’t get what the heck was going on yesterday. People just decided turning into looters and thieves was acceptable? This wasn’t isolated. It’s like people decided it’s a good day to turn into destructive mobs.

Going to bed has become something I love and dread, Marg. I love being in that nothingness but hate when it ends. If there were some mystery about waking up, like maybe it wouldn’t be as horrendous as itvaways is, at least I could expect a change now and then. But its always the same. I seem to wake up half an hour before the alarm so I get to think about how it’s going to suck robbigbme of more nothingness. Friday night I overdid some chores so yesterday was a tough one. Seems I don’t dream anymore. I used to like feeling free and that other life. But then it’s the reality shock getting up and 2/3rds ofthe day in this...truth of all the changes.

Seattle is in chaos now. Started hours ago as peaceful protests about the death of a black citizen. Now things have gone off the rails and the city us being looted and police cars set afire. Some stealing rifles from cop cars, one is still missing. SWAT and the National Guard have been called in and people ordered to vacate downtown. I can’t believe what I’m watching of citizens wantonly stealing from stores even while being filmed. The peaceful protesters have left. I don’t know who these people are that are acting like animals and a blight on our city. These people have no interest in the intent of the protest. It’s beyond my ability to understand rioting and stealing. Our police force has kept their cool as they push people back. Lots if tear gas and the freeways and ferry’s have been shut down. Police cars have been defaced with spray paint and beaten with bricks and bats. Our police nor other cities killed the Michigan man. None of this makes sense to me. I can’t imagine coming home with stolen goods, smelling of gas and have any respect for myself. These animals are wearing covid masks, not that it would do any good to see their faces. They’re doing this while the police are busy trying to get innocents out and enforce the curfew set 3 hours ago.