Gwenivere

Have the same 'disease' Marg. Used to be I talked all the time. My emails and other written stuff was more brief. That has shifted 180 degrees. A huge part of that is no one to talk to just day to day. Have to catch people between their comings and goings or it’s by phone and usually a time difference me being in the earliest. Plus, I know my state of mind is very self focused at the times I try and listen to others that also have problems and need to vent too. I want to be more supportive and I feel it eludes me so I feel bad. Not giving my all. Sharing struggles is normal, but I’m so messed up in my head that often the slightest suggestion makes me want to scream. I’ve told everyone if I want them, I’ll ask. So I come here. People are not captive to this as they would a phone call or in the old days meeting face to face. I’m having a horribly anxiety driven day. It’s a heavy rain day which is dark and cold. Just had a week with overly taxing medical crap. Nowhere to go to escape anything. Always on edge about my elder dog. Intensified pain. Knowing how the world is so changed with the pandemic. So lonely without Steve. Restless and afraid. I so hate this panic disorder. It removes spontaneity that I had up until the pain took over which brought in the never ending doctor talks and tests. This coming week the only human I will see for real here is the plumber. A doc appointment if they get scan info or it’s a useless trip. Everything else is via Zoom. I can’t sit at my desk as I have no audio and don’t know if my old monitor has a microphone and camera. So it’s awkward on this tablet. So that creates a possible need for a new computer and all that entails that Steve would have normally done with glee. I am grateful I have the tablet. I also have to find out from Direct TV about upgrading so I have internet access for streaming. They are going to replace my DVR anyway by year’s end, the only dare I call it good about the pandemic is I won’t loose all my fav TV shows as there won’t be any to record with everything on hold. This is another thing Steve would have delved into and figured out timing. Most importantly, dealt with logistics and dealing with getting parts and meet the geeks to do it. Done all the tests to make sure everything worked. I miss just figuring out what to make for dinner and tapping my foot til he gets things working. That was my job. But I knew it would be done right. Now I’m at the mercy of Best Buy. My BIL couldn’t even get into my computer as he’s done to look around for exactly what I need. Off to stuff I can handle. A drive, a shower (I hope), maybe a call to Direct TV to see the complications of connecting to the net. Scratch that one, just more confusion. Sometimes technology getting better trickles down to major pains for simple stuff. I need Steve,

I’ve found any death now triggers my loss of Steve. Of course I feel for the person who passed, but death has taken on a whole new meaning for me than it ever had even tho I had met it several times before. It hadn’t taken half of me too. Don’t see how you could not be affected since you are just weeks past your biggest loss. Also that he had his spouse much longer. We don’t shift gears in grief. I know you cared for your grandfather. You also love your wife. Resentment isn’t the right word, but every day that I hear from someone what they are doing in a 'we' format, I cry a little more inside.

Marg, I know you are feeling better when you drag out the full box of crayons. It’s good to see. 🌷

I’m like you. Those memories don’t give me solace or the warm fuzzies. It’s the isolation I feel now and that there is no alive love in this house. Because that is what it is now. It ceased being a true home when he left. It looks the same, all things that always were, but signs of active living are gone. Here are his messes? His projects? His guitars and naggingly ringing, dinging and beeping cell phone which has lain silent for years? Where’s his bellowing laughter or cussing at a problem? The shelves above his desk are filled with his stuff I have gone blind to. Years of dust on them as I don’t waste my housekeepers time on them. I use a corner of one shelf for receipts til the VISA bill comes in to rectify. His desk has a shut down computer as I don’t have the password. Just a guest account as he knew I hated passwords, but he was so into security and couldn’t give it to me inthise last days. He tried but was so confused. Drat, even writing all this is depressing. The biggest progress I’ve made is being able to look at our pictures now around the house. See that gorgeous face and smile. If it’s not too personal, why do you keep the ashes? A closeness? Warmth? Connection? I spread his a couple weeks back when the subject came up in a topic and I realized they were in a chest for 5 years. Now they see under a plum tree we planted. No one in my family kept ashes. My mom and dad’s are in New Mexico. Had some of them sent here for under the tree. My moms I put in a lake I would have loved her to see.

I hang up on hone marketors just because they are annoying! I hate the ones saying the are from Microsoft and something is wrong with my computer. If I’m in a decent mood I mess with them and ask for their ID number and a call back number so I can verify them. Poof! They are gone. Now I just say, no you’re not and hang up. Havent seen Johnny on here since April. Hope he is OK. He sounded good in his last post. Always wishing him the best thru his grief.

Andrew, you are not alone in your feelings regarding god. I totally respect everyone’s beliefs here, but for me it is a concept I have the same reaction to. I was raised Catholic and exposed to many faiths and none made sense to me. I only wish it did so I could cuss him out for taking Steve so soon. If it would provide solace, I’d still beleive as I did as a child. But as a child, I had no experience with testing that faith as I did growing up. Divine plans, a greater good and he has his reasons just don’t cut it for me. Never will. I just see nature gone awry and still feel ripped off by that. The only ,good' thing his death served was to stop his physical pain and wasting away from being a vital life force. I do terrible things like see people doing great harm in the world and thinking why are they still here? Think of the suffering that could be saved if they were taken. None of this will ever make sense beyond biology. Not having that feeling we will see each other again in some heavenly place also makes this so lonely. I have no idea what happens after death, not a clue.

Ugh, I get so frustrated with how I treat Ally. It’s so hard to stay patient when I’m in horrendous pain. It’s little things like coming inside up the stairs and she overthinks it. I yell at her, also needed cause of her loss of hearing but this is anger,. I praise her when she comes up. I guess it’s because other times she comes in by herself with no prompting. another bad day started with the usual mind set. Got a bill for the back surgery MRI my insurance wouldn’t pay. 2 grand. So, 4 phone calls and 2 emails to docs to back up calls. My PCP suggested calling the biller! Duh! Gee, what brilliance. That was the first thing I did. That’s how I found out I was monkey in the middle again and could do nothing as always. I told everyone I talked to this is NOT my job. I’m merely the patient. I shouldn’t have to be doing this leg work. The biller and my insurance agree, the doctors are playing hot potato with who should have done what. I got out of here for a bit realizing I didn’t really have much to do. Killed time somehow til I could take a pain pill that I doubt will help today. I’m too stressed and next week is 3 doc things. The other 2 days are counseling via computer. I so want to see my support people face to face but I doubt I could walk into one of them and the other has 2 flights of stairs. Just feeling I am being pounded into ground daily. Monday’s appointment is with the pain clinic. How fitting. Really have to decide on that 2+ hour vein scan. It could just be from the stenosis. I cut long whinings, I was annoying myself! Have a plumber coming out tomorrow to fix Steve’s toilet. Can’t help but wonder what will go wrong. I’d say I’d be happy to be able to get out if bed, but each day just brings more challenges. I’m tired of fighting. tired of fear. Tired of being alone. Tired of wondering how ally will do another day. Tired of masks and distancing and rules. Tired of not caring about anything. Tired of missing Steve so much I can barely function. Knowing if he were here we would lose it at times, but there’d be another voice and body and love. That’s it! I miss active love. This memory crap is just that for me. I look at myself now in survival mode and wonder what he would think. It would be so different if he were here. Would he be disappointed I’ve let everything but the essentials go. So unlike me. It sounds like a stupid question, but would he still love this person I’ve become? I know there were times I hated what the cancer changed in him. How I wanted it to just end. Well, I got my wish. They say careful what you wish for. Now I know why.

And to balance the above out a little.....from Jimmy Fallon.... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d1ilvfdvrUI

Dee, the teeth cleaning might go a bit better, the hygienist chair is different than the dentists one. But it will be uncomfortable. I can’t, but must, believe how complicated everything has become. I can’t believe how much time I spend laying out meds at night for the next day. Used to floss and brush my teeth but now add in applying aspercreme. All the sleep support pillows and pads. The house is getting littered with pick up sticks, cane and walkers, tho I don’t use them, yet. Just seeing all this 'old people' stuff is a drag. Car is a ritual for oxygen as is walking around the house. Anything it can snag on it will or I or the dogs step on it. Showers are complicated with set up. Lack of exercise is bad. Diet has changed to more unhealthy. Was reading a list of 8 things not to eat a lot of and 6 I do. They've found certain foods lead to feeling worse after and I can attest to it. Bagels, chips, processed luncheon meats and many frozen dinners. I notice a difference when I buy real chicken or something that is prepared normally. Since I fell a few weeks back I thought I had straightened out my progressive glasses but I guess not. I’m tying my back up pair as I was feeling dizzy and one eye was always out of focus plus weird headaches. Ive been watching Ally struggle more. Gave them empty peanut butter jars today and she wanted to lay and lick it out but didn’t. Had a difficult time coming up the steps from the front yard. Seeing that future is like carrying a weight day in and out. Pick up more pain pills today and haven’t heard about get her there to be checked for blood work after telling them repeatedly I couldn’t do it alone and being asked so many times if I had someone to help and saying NO. I could ask a buddy that lives over 20 miles away but that is ridiculous. He’s working from home and would have to be here a certain time that probably wouldn’t mesh with his packed day of computer maintenance he’s responsible for. Well, this is just more of the same complaints. I so wish Steve were here. At least I could hang onto his arm going to places for support. Someone to help take the entire focus off me. Going to be too warm here for us northwesterners for a few days. Maybe if I were younger and didn’t need compression socks that add to feeling hot. Went to Target to get my glasses fixed and saw people at the park across the street playing basketball. Not a defiance kinda thing, just desperate for something normal. I knew it was dangerous, yet a part of me was so glad to see something normal, especially after having to suffocate myself in the store. Sounds normal outside, mowers going, kids laughing, but it’s not. I’m still seeing people in masks just walking by. You’d think they would take a break fir fresh air!

Read this on Huffington today. You can skip.most if it after the beginning as it applies to companies not doing enough for their workforce, but the beginning pointed out why this is so very hard with so many struggling in this isolation. People alone being hit the hardest. They made a good point about other disasters that have a finale so people can rebuild. We are stuck in uncertainty month after month now. Don’t have an end date to focus on. I know this has ramped up my anxiety and depression. Hearing about people unable to process grief 'normally ' because of no contact. I remember how devastating 9/11 was and for how tragic it was, we could begin removing the physical horror quickly and work on the mental healing.

I made it thru my dentist appointment with minimal treatment. Found out I have a cleaning next week. Those chairs are really hard on backs! My dentist is so popular you have to book cleanings 6 months in advance. I made a run for dog vitamins, wine (a necessity around here) and made lots of med calls. It was sad seeing all the stores moved out os the strip mall where I get my wine at the drug store. It’s like the world is vanishing of every place that was part of my life. The Dollar Strore, Grocery Outlet and Ross where I bought pillows for the kids are all gone. There is a gym there, but it’s closed and don’t know if they will stay. Seattle can’t meet the guidelines to reopen most businesses from the death and infection numbers. Same for Tacoma where Dee is. The vet called about refills for Ally’s pain meds and wanted her in for blood work and talk to the vet if dosages might need to change. I said I had no way to get her there. The woman must have asked me 3 times if I was sure, no family or friends? Like I wouldn’t know? I plan on pointing this out when I pick up her meds tomorrow. it was another day of feeling lightheaded which is so frustrating. I’m really hoping it’s just stress. It’s scary being alone during it. As I have said about myself when I have nothing to do or just messes to straighten out I get so lost of what to do. I’ve noticed it ratcheting up when in do go shopping now that everyone is in masks. It’s so bizarre the world out there. I put one on now but it really shortens time I can be in a place for fogging up my glasses and feeling suffocated. I don’t know how employees do it all day at the stores. Maybe cloth ones are kinder than the typical paper ones. I’ve also seen some really heavy duty stuff on people that looks so complicated to put on. I don’t understand people jogging, walking or sitting on their porches in them. They don’t protect you, you’re protecting others but your not near them at all. Met my new neighbors, they seem nice and love Ally. This will be good for her. She’s been so lonely out there since the 2 dogs left last year. Mel wouldn’t even go out which her normal. Not socialized enough and I ready tried since getting her. It’s a shame the attention she misses out on, but she can’t miss something she didn’t know. I miss it for me. A companion outside the house, Congrats on your numbers, Kevin! Something to be proud of especially in this time of temptations because it’s so tedious day after day and goodies sound so....good. I really have to use will power in the store and stick to lists. I once saw a sale on dark MM's and when I went to put them away saw I had 3 bags already among other delights. I did give up ice cream fir pudding cups as they are measured and won’t go bad when I forget about them for awhile. Niw to scan the grocery ads from the mail for all the stuff I don’t need. Just tradition. Memories of long ago days when it was a job keeping up with my food snacker and cooking dinner days. Microwaves don’t count as cooking in my book. They make me feel lonelier.

It was just us and the dogs and damn, I miss seeing him out there at the grill yelling times to have the rest of the meal ready. Hurts like hell.

I was thinking of Steve’s and my relationship. The relationships we both had before we came into each other’s lives. Obviously there was something that made this 'the one'. I was trying to figure out a way to describe it when I had my counseling today and it hit me. There are so many things that happened as it is for everyone, but what would be the word(s) I’d use to just describe the essence. For us, it was fire. Other relationships were fine at the time, but they didn’t make me feel that. Whenever I was around him I felt a burning inside and the way we interacted reflected that. Nothing subtle about us. We didn’t do romantic dates or 'woo'ing'. It was intense I thought it would burn out eventually and we’d move on. I didn’t feel thoughts of love towards Steve at the time. It was lust and fire. Found out we were the same in our passions of what was important in life. We started becoming friends. The more we learned about each other the stronger that bond grew. I had no plans to marry him. When he said we should I was hesitant but thought let’s play this out. It was just to good to be true. I didn’t want to fall in love because I knew I’d never find this again. But my heart made a different decision. Flash forward 31 years and there we were. The fire never died. We were never conventional. Even in doing everyday things it felt intense. Disagreements were low keyed as we learned how to hear each other, but the fire burned. Good times were so much more intense. So I watched other marriages and saw we were so very different. I watched other pairs closely and was so glad we were always aflame. I had others tell me they saw it when they were with us. I know that is why I feel so cold inside now. It’s embers in reality, but inside I keep trying to strike that match. Can’t be done without him. All people are different. Some thrive on romance and gentility. I’m just throwing this out there to see how others might define their relationship if they want to. I know everyone here’s loss is a huge as mine. We’ve al been robbed of 'the one'.

Our dogs knew profanity. If I said something with cussing they’d be all over me trying to make it better. Crying was a big trigger for them too. Ally can’t hear me anymore and Mel was just raised by me so doesn’t get the cue's from Steve that hows something is wrong. She just hears me talk on the phone or to myself all the time. Unless specifically directed at her, I’m tuned out. We never yelled so I don’t know how’d they react. Well, they would bark if we yelled at someone outside. Never did in here. I yell at them now but thy think I’m.playing. Most infuriating. Leads to more yelling and the cycle goes on. 😤

For our generation, teeth are a real problem. I skimped on brushing mine as a kid, hated milk and had way too many procedures done by 18. Then I went years never seeing a dentist. Only went in for emergencies. The only thing that has saved them til now, which failures are happening with age, was getting into the 2 yearly cleanings. I’m just hoping to get patched up enough tomorrow as I have so many other things to attend to physically and mentally. My elder dog didn’t come see me when the alarm went off this morning. Very unlike her. My first thought is something happened. She finally showed up after I got dressed. I couldn’t bring myself to look in the living room if she was OK til I had myself together. I also am walking with the oddest hip sensations, like it’s going to give out. Very scary and disorienting. So I look at why I bother to get up, as you have talked about many times, Marg. All this counseling seeking a reason to keep going on. I’m glad you have Bri to give you motivation, tho I know it pains you to see her in distress. I look at my choices and inevitables going forward. (Tho it rarely feels like going forward, more like stuck in place or losing ground). Pain or surgeries. Knowing one day I will have to let Ally go. Never will have a partner again and that closeness not even a best friend could fill. Heck, not even having any close friends as it’s been for years. Turning more and more to strangers to help with things that just weren’t that big of a deal. I’m fully aware age takes its toll, but I feel ripped off by a decade for my stuff. That really matters to me as I lost one already to Steve’s cancer and the grief so far. Couldn’t I have my body a little better for a bit? Just as a minor respite? And if it’s not a physical fight, it’s with medical billing, mistakes or constant fires I have to solve or kickstart someone. Then bring on the pandemic. Let’s make life even tougher for everyone, especially people struggling against loneliness and more loss. All those commercials about 'being in this together' just churn my stomach. I sat last night absolutely stumped at something to do. Not one thing appealed. I felt very ill from dinner and like I was burning up. No fever. Just wanted to go to sleep as always and stay there forever. Sometimes dreams and I’m free or nothingness. Both suit me fine. The buddy that came over yesterday and did some chores and repairs for me made me see just how removed I am from life. He has found projects and works from home AND has his wife. All I could say about what’s going on for me revolved around being alone trying to handle it all. All he could say was 'I can’t imagine how hard that would be'. And he’s right. Then he was off to his day glad it was a holiday today so he could play more. Maybe BBQ with the wife. Take a walk together. Talk with another human being about normal daily stuff! I’m off to my pathetic list just so I can cross things off. Wind a clock, drive to the PO to drop off a DVD jut to get out, maybe pick up something to go with ribs I should be excited about for dinner. Watch the world go by without me not by my own choice. No way of jumping back in. Physically or pandemicaly unable. Have counseling via Zoom later and we’ll rehash this mess as we always do. Get to fill him in on my other acquaintance's dog dying that adds to the mess. Talk about crazy........I can’t even call anywhere to start putting out the weeks fires even tho I hate it. Holidays suck, IMO. It’s also drizzly and gloomy out. Guess at beats the high heat we have coming at weeks end. My house gets too hot as do I in general. So glad you guys are here. Out there I have to act like the (blah to the phrase) new normal. Keep to myself, watch people avoid me, hear that ,have a great evening' line. I feel like I’m just boring you all to tears, but it helps me even if no one reads it. I just need to feel a part of something. Here I do. Maybe one day I’ll post something good in my life. I’ve been making sure I give a buck to people I see with signs. Sadly, they are so vulnerable but so much more friendly than people at the stores except the great cashiers and employees that are heroes to do what they do.

I remember a cartoon I saw that had a couple of dogs laughing about another dog who was afraid of hair dryers. Then they said....but vacuum cleaners....yeah, everybody’s scared if those things. my kids have never experienced hair dryers, think Ally would take it stride. Mel would be like Maddie. Plus she empties her anal glands when she is scared....it’s a mess! Even going for brushing or nail trims it happens. Talk about wusses!

Spent another extra lonely Saturday night last night. The sadness deepens every day now with all the maladies and chores piling up. Worries about my oldest dog. My pandemic style of keeping my hair up all day so I don’t have to wash it as often. After watching a show I recorded tried listening to some ol SNL's and kept seeing the dates and going Steve saw that one, was gone for that one. Put on my socks and saw my feet were blue again. Every time I stood up it hurt so badly. So sick of oxygen tubing and stepping on it and dragging it around. Went to bed after lifting Ally in there. Woke up hearing Steve’s voice. Friend coming by to stock the dog food and chat. Then another Zoom chat before I go out and get a paper and dinner. Planning on doing finances tonight. A once ritual thing where Steve would have to explain his Amazon purchases and I’d decide if they came out if his play allowance or it was a household expense. He always had this look he was in the principals office. So cute. Now it’s just making sure my receipts match up to charges as I find mistakes by companies. Already know there is a $50 overpayment to my therapist he didn’t catch. Basically a tedious job to kill time but needed. Lots of details for such a boring thing. Says a lot about my so called life. I keep wondering how long I can do this ritual of another day not seeing anything I ever used to do that made it feel.....full. Heck, I’d settle for half a tank. If it isn’t from within me, it’s the depressing restrictions of the pandemic and how long it will be much less changing interactions in the future. They keep talking about going back to life as usual, but it never will be. The only ones I see coming out unscathed are children too young to remember and growing up in a changed society from what we knew. As much as I appreciate Zoom, I hate it. It’s a tease. Can look but can’t touch and nothing cozy about voice transmitted thru a computer. I keep worrying something is neurologically wrong. I’m so unable to focus, clumsy and lightheaded. I haven’t changed any meds so I’m guessing stress. That can be a killer. So little exercise, again dangerous. Living life on the phone putting out fires instead of scheduling other stuff like sprucing up the carpets, getting a toilet fixed, a tree down, all kinds of things I’d rather devote my energy to but it’s sapped by crap I hate. Well, a friend has shown up to do some chores. Hope I can pull off the social act. It’s pretty alien to me now. I’m sure I’ll hear all about his full life. He’s doing well which I am glad to hear. He was really sympathetic about how hard this would be alone. Stocked dog food, fixed a blind and unpacked bottled water. Says he’ll be back sooner than later so I guess I’m still OK to be around. Resident at Foss called me last night. Nice to catch up. Hoping after Zoom call now I can limp thru my outings. I’m noticing I am preferring being alone and that is a bad thing.

Have weak teeth myself. Have lost 2 and so any crowns and fillings. Lots of cracking and chipping going on since the pabademic it seems. Only stopped smoking 18 months ago. But using the lozenges my be contributing. We also come from a generation that didn’t have the stuff they have now. Plus the non smoking shift. Lots of people don’t even know what a mere filling is. I don’t understand the whitening thing. I was happy with my smile way back when. It sure sounds like you got a bad infection going, Karen. They say 48 hours for antibiotics so I hope you’ll call if it continues.

I don’t find it odd or anything adding up years. It used to be days, weeks and months. I am shocked when I realize the years and how long it has been. I find it explains so much of my attitude now. I can invision the pic of the hand to mouth sadness as I still do it myself. I had another classic morning of thinking of something and in that twilight sleep before getting up saying to Steve we need to talk about something and distinctly heard him saying Ok, once you’re up we will. That’s worse than waking up knowing he’s gone. Now his voice is in my head for the day. Always things to talk about but can’t. I can’t turn off the counting. I don’t even try to do it, it’s just a runnng clock in my head I occasionally get to hit the snooze button on.

They truly are and to watch them run is a sight to behold as they are sight driven. Not very affectionate dogs tho. Obstinate too. Definitely not cuddlers. They do like to herds but. My buddy took his to a sheep place for dogs like birder collies. They cracked me up at the off leash parks trying to herd crazed dogs running eveywhere. The other dogs would look at them like....what are you doing? Get outta my way! Seems just about anything is forgivable with a treat. What gets me is it could be a bite of a burger or a bland milk one. They don’t care as long as it’s edible. My kids eat so much people food. They only turn their noses up at citrus. Beg me every time I have an orange and always spit it out. Peanut butter is the staple for treats, luring, rewards and most importantly hiding pills.

Yup, labs = water in any form. Our last golden retriever was nuts for it too. I don’t know about Melody. I couldn’t get her anywhere to find out. Now it’s too late. I can’t get me anywhere for the walks. I took the kids to Lake Washington and Edmonds, Dee. Then it was long walks back to the car or driving around a long time so they’d dry off mostly. My old walking partner got his Saluki to swim and they are desert dogs. I saw some messy dogs like yours that really kicked up fusses at the dog park if there was mud as they had hoses to rinse them off. You’d have to recruit help or tie them to a post and hope they forgave you later.

Hope the antibiotics do it, Karen. I watched The Crown the first season. Very well done. I’m doing a Big ?Little Lies and on my final episode for the first season and don’t thinkbthe 2nd is available yet (being a non streamer). Also watching Luther as Ildres Elba is so easy on the eyes.

Such an obvious observation, Kieron, that I sometimes think we forget. We have faced the worst. If only we could say we survived it as in its over and things are back to normal. I’m going to try and remember that too, but I know it will be a struggle. Before we lost them, the worst kept shifting and in its intensity and would end til the next one. Now we have this huge pain that is forever and, for me, is not easing in the slightest. I didn’t know it could get worse as it has. I just went out for the mail and run Steve’s vans realizing I need to take it for a drive and put gas in it. Had to transfer oxygen and other things. It still has an ashtray as we both smoked when he was here. Should run it thru the car wash too. These are things that emphasize the worst. I’ll do them in a numb state and crash later.

If there ever was a time to pass along anything that can bring smiles, it is now p.

A link sent to me from my grief counselor about a happy dog called Puddle Dancer.