Gwenivere

I look at the title of this thread and think, what grief is not complicated? As you found, it’s a road we are forever on. Sometimes it goes thru nice pastures, but mostly it’s dark jungles unfamiliar we have to navigate. I hadn’t thought about it, but as my husband was on chemo for awhile, it would have raised serious concerns. We stopped it when it took over his limited time left. What good was a few more months if they were spent managing the sides Effects? I’m sorry to read you got blindsided again. Happens way too much

I hear ya, Kieron. I’m appalled at the damagethat was done here in the protests turned riots. Takingbiver oart if dientiwn killed many small businesses who were in doubt as it was. I hope you don’t get overwhelmed in your decisions. Keep us apprised. If you can find your eyes, that is. 😳

I don’t know anything akin to visiting kids and grandkids, but it sure sounds like it is going to be so stressful on you, Kay. Family ties are tight and I know there are obligations and desires. I can’t presume to know how you feel, but I do feel the same as Dee that maybe you could make it Shorter? Just by your description I would be in knots of anticipation. Or maybe go on Thursday and not have a committal to how long you stay? Like I said, I know nothing of these situations so I’m just looking from the outside of what you have experienced before.

Me too. ❤️ Kieron, I really feel for you in this. Being pulled in so many directions has to be so stressful. It’s one thing to want to move whole heartedly as opposed with practicalities that intertwine with memories and feelings. I wish I had some words of solace or wisdom. One of my biggest fears is having to leave our home. It’s all I’ve ever know for over 30 years. The tastes of being away from were awful, tho granted they were medical. But even then I saw it was my home that could feel safe to me. I never thought if it before, but that is the word. Even without hm, this is safe. I have no idea what the damages and lawsuit are about, but the very words mean added stress. Plus you have your parents, which is important. The job thing would be tough too. I know all too well the sound of an empty house. It’s just not natural. Now I hear my neighbors lives as there is no activity here together. I’m so sorry your friend moved out too. Another loss of contact. I Really struggle with being so alone. Often wish I had a buddy close by. Thoughts to you on this, just wish I could magically soothe all of us how we each need.

Marty is so right on the making of decisions. There’s a reason there are scavengers out there looking for mourning people to prey upon. Our minds are not as they were and we are vulnerable. Even without them, any kind of pressure from friends, family or even ourselves has to be looked at very carefully. I think I waited a good 6 months before executing Steve’s will to distribute his possessions to his friends. I never planned to move, but there were projects in queue that I reprioritized or scrapped. I only did one thing immediately. I removed every piece of medical equipment that was a daily reminder of the horrid fight he lost. Put away all the RX’s. I hardly recognized his office as it had once been before he got sick. That brought a sadness, but better than to reminder of the last days. That will live in my head forever as it is. I know you hate your job, want your own place you planned with him. These are huge changes to task yourself with right now. I know they may seem to be steps forward, but you have to tread carefully. Give yourself time to adjust just to his lost physical presence. The rest will be waiting for you when you aren’t so raw and looking for an escape (we all wanted to run from it) of the grief. Many people try it, but it always catches up. You can’t outrun or hide from it. If you can, and know it’s hard, try not to go so far into the future. You have to survive the now and maybe thinking into next week, but that’s it. You still have some freedom here. It’s just finding it and letting go of things that can wait. I hope you can do that for yourself.

Karen, vet wants the wound exposed to air to heal. Those booties would be great for me and poor Ally’s licking. I did get a soft collar at Petsmart and unfortunately she can reach her back paw. I think if she were a pug or stout, it would work, but she’s a long legged yellow lab mix. I love the Turnbull quote, Dee. So very true of our babies. I can’t imagine the pain you felt that first month. I know it’s waiting for me even tho I’ve been thru this before, but always with Steve. Only my childhood dog he was not there. That’s a long line of babies over 40 years we experienced. I’m not sure I want to read a lot of people’s stories after listening to my cousin yesterday. She needed to tell me the details and I just wept. But when it happens to me I am sure I will feel differently. Just like I came here about Steve. It saved what was left of my heart, and there wasn’t/isn’t much.

Well, the vet came and went and it was a good experience. Even pre covid I hated going in and being in that room with a freaked out dog. Ally was much more comfortable here. They cleaned the wound and I got a pillow collar which unfortunately does not prevent her from licking her back foot. Can’t get a soft E collar delivered unless I want to pay twice as much as it’s worth to have it overnight. Guess I’ll just have to hope the antibiotics and watching her as much as I can will do it. This vet even said the hard plastic ones would make her walking harder. She wouldn’t be able to sleep in it anyway so no supervision. Found more poop in the house. It’s so hard when they get old and you are too. its been a bad dog day. Very odd thing happened with my cousin. She also had a dog that was near the end. I saw she tried to call me at 10am and she knows I am asleep. I never called her. I assumed she was calling me with bad news and she had lost her baby the day before. She thought I had called her about Ally. Something kinda freaky about that. I just felt something was wrong and it was seeeing her number. I was right, but it all started from a call I never placed. So 2 crying women mid afternoon before I went out for Ally’s stuff. My shrink called to schedule a televisit as my meds are running out. Better than going in to see him as I must have pulled something in my leg or back because walking is almost impossible. Just a brief walk into Petco for vitamins and joint stuff was horrid. I barely made it thru Safeway. The laundry was unbalanced so had to deal with soaking heavy stuff. Knocked my open water bottle over unpacking when I got home. It was a definite 'the universe hates you' day. Tomorrow I’m supposed to hook up with my BIL about my gmail. Next week is full of medical crap meetings. I messaged 2 docs and have heard nothing. I just want to snuggle up next to Steve and say make it all go away. The thing is he could! He would stay awake to watch Ally and fix my mail. He wouldn’t need me there at all. My BIL is in CA so I have to do the tests on my computer for him. I should feel grateful his is doing this and I am, but also sick if problems. I had someone that could handle things without me or as a partner. As I keep finding....grief, the gift that just keeps on giving. And giving and giving and giving...................

Once Upon a Time was one of my favorite shows. It’s so clever and such a good escape from this world we live in. Looking around me now, I think I’d like to live in Storybrooke instead.

Karen, I wish I knew what to say beyond I’m so very sorry you have to relive this again. Something that should be celebrated. 😓

To be faced with going into work when just barely a month into your loss is terrible. Since your employer isn’t pressuring you, you can decline, correct? Many people don’t want to be back in offices yet. With good reason. Plus you know you don’t want to be around others emotionally right now. You are only a month in with your grief. I understand all the questions and frustration. Keep venting it so it doesn’t build up. No one has answers unfortunately. We’ve all have the questions. Especially the biggest one....why them?

Thanks, Dee. I know you are still recovering from the loss of your dear Maddie, I think how unfair it is we lose that last connection when we need them so much. How we miss the fun times to become nurses. When I was driving home tonight I passed a school parking lot by a huge grass field that we used to go to will Belle. I have a picture in the family wall of Steve training her at about 2-3 months to use the step installed to get in rather than jump. She was so tiny and stretched out and he is helping her little back legs figure it out. I pass there often and never put it together til today. I could almost see them there like when I took the picture. We did the same with Ally. All to be prepared for way done the road when they got old. I always got out of jury duty because of my panic disorder. Now I have so many choices of ailments. It’s not that I am not civic minded, but as you said, going downtown is terrible and odds are you wind up not needed. I’d be ineffective at this time. My mind could not focus on anything with all the stress. I also don’t like keaving my comfort zone. It’s not that it’s so comfortable, but I just can’t take more disruption. I’m barely getting by with the varied things coming up I didn’t plan on. In case there isnt an age cut off (but I’m guessing there is), your retina specialist should be able to excuse you. My doc was always willing. And with my problems now I know my many now would be.

This is why I do my shopping in small increments. That is getting harder with the walking pain tho. I hate unpacking a huge load. It’s hard enough getting checked out and the stuff into the car and house. Back in the day I was functional, I didn’t mind. I try to cram everything into one reusable bag. I have 6 steps getting to house level from the driveway. I brought in a bag of dog food today. Getting it out of the garage to rotate with a new one I knocked over 4 packages of bottled waters. Figures. I swear I’m getting more clumsy in this brain fog. It’s so stressful being out with the virus now. I talked to an old guy like me who I actually walked faster than. He was battling cellulitis. My (now) bad habit is I have to complete tasks. I’m no good at letting things sit and rest in between. Then I have long extended periods of sitting which isn’t good. I’m my own worst enemy. It feels Ike I have sciatica and maybe I do. All I know is 2 very intense walks last week changed everything. I hope I didn’t tweak my spine more. Hard to give that a rest since we use it all the time. Im amazed at your to do list in town, Kay. And gettting home to unpack and walk Kodie. You’re my hero! 😎

Ah, I think it is Tuesday. Hard to tell anymore. Did not sleep well as I posted about the long day yesterday and upped a med per the doc. The pain just won’t abate either. I went to get the mail and the postal carrier tossed a very heavy box over the fence. I knew I couldn’t leave it there, but couldn’t have gotten it up the driveway and into the house. Had a dozen piller candles I burn for Steve and lost furry kids. A guy was walking by and I asked him and he was pleased to take them right Into my kitchen. I stayed outside to respect the distancing. What a nice thing to do and I thanked him profusely. The virus hasn’t killed kindness. Of course 'I' am saddened I cannot do this myself. Just unpacking and putting them in the closet about killed me. I had tried to kill some time yesterday at a new grocery store but I didn’t last long. It wasn’t my kind of store anyway. Lots of organic and things I never heard of. I’d been in before and found a couple things and did get some great looking tuna salad as summer temps are staring to hit here. A shower felt good, but it was harder to do. Got a reminder call from the mobile vet coming tomorrow to check Ally’s paw. Going to ask about a blood test to see if there are other problems I should be aware of. Coming in from getting the mail she slipped on the stairs again. Had to help her. I think the front yard will soon be out for her. Watching this decline I can’t even find the words of despair. She’s involved with Mel and I, but spending more time by herself. Not a good thing. Even lackluster about PB schmears. I need.some supplements from the pet store as well as food and am PRAYING I can walk in myself to get them and pay. If I have to start calling everything in for pick up it’s going to really increase the depression. I have a Zoom meeting with my grief counselor today so will be able to cry since alone I cant alone. I still haven’t figured that out as it would help. I think it’s because I’m on alert mode constantly with ally and what I can get done like dressing, fixing meals and plain old walking down the hall. Driving isn’t a problem. I feel fine, it’s getting out of the car I become a gimp. Knowing that every time is hard as I watch people moving around me like they are joggers to my walking. Thru ALL of this I am so filled with thoughts of Steve. How his presence is so needed for these challenges. How he would have grabbed that box. Even in my pre pain days I’d ask him if he was home. He liked being Dad. It was easier to be vigilant with someone. You can’t really take time off mentally, but you can know you aren’t up to bat 24/7. Have some time to breathe. Just threw the ball for Melody and brushed Ally a bit. Ouch. I wish everyone the best on another day.

It’s such human nature to judge. We’ve all done it at some point. So many factors. Upbringing. Experience (having done or been the recipient of actions). I found as I got older I became more tolerant, but even better, understanding that there is always much more to a story than we used to take the time to listen to. Plus people hate to be wrong in their judgements. This can extend to choices. I’m sure I defended what I knew were bad choices when I was very young, even if I knew it! But grief is a while nuther thing. It’s not something we chose. We dont get to say.....yeah, I’ll go for it or nah, I think I’ll skip it. It’s real. It’s not optional. It’s not an elective pain to achieve a positive conclusion. (Thinking plastic surgery here as an example). There’s a whole world out there looking for things to judge, this is a safe place to share our grief with others and if they disagree, they can post it, but I’ve never seen it posted. I, like everyone, rely on that sense of call. I have asked questions of people to help me understand their choices, but that is all I will allow myself in a public venue. I hope you find some help here, Ann. Maybe if you shared more if what you are experiencing as you walk this path.

Great cartoon. Some days even an hour is pushing it. 🥺

First, I am so sorry for your loss. We all here know the depth of losing the person we love more than anyone in the world. Cancer is viscious, it took my husband and it wasn’t peaceful. Yes, we do forgive those we love of things we might not others. Usually it’s because the two have talked it out and had to restablish trust and the pain it cost the other. I’m certainly not going to question your love for her even if she never apologized. I do the math and this affair was 42 years ago. I don’t understand how your relationship maintained itself, but it did. I don’t know how you handled the constant reminders. You say she she was in love once. I’m just trying to figure out how you can free your mind of that to process the grief death itself brings. I agree with Marty that we do go over the whole course of the relationship. All of us had rough patches to work thru. For me, they rarely came to mind as we worked them out and buried them. They were dead and gone, forever. So many years carrying that I don’t know how that would be. I have a grief counselor to help me process the barrage of emotions, even being 5 years in. Have you considered that or have someone you trust to air your pain about it to hopefully take its power over you away? It’s hard enough remembering the good times lost and there will be no more. That may be your delete key. Power. I’ve learned we often feed thoughts unconsciously. Self talk can be very powerful and drag us down. Tell us terrible things about ourselves and make us believe them. It takes a strong will and help from our good memories to remind us we were once the most important person on earth to someone which is the greatest feeling. I truly hope you find a way to experience your grief without baggage you can hopefully rid yourself of. I wish I had the answers you seek. But I haven’t had answers to mine beyond nature gone awry. The good memories bring pain too, but sometimes solace. I hope you find that.

Thanks, Kieron. When I can take dealing with insurance, I will can SS first and try this place. I callled my current private insurance to quickly ask them and they said yes, I could keep them. But they have led me astray before. I need to have that verified from the source. The government side. The last thing I want to do is not be covered as I rack up a lot. I hope there is a way SS can verify with my current company. It will be more expensive but I would know all my existing docs would be covered. I’d hate to add shopping for new ones. It would also mean not having to go thru that doughnut hole I hear about. I don’t know how it happens and don’t want to find out.

Thanks, Kieron.and Kay, for turning that around and giving me a different perspective. I had read it is easier to give than to receive. I had to learn that where I volunteered as it was easy to bring things to residents to make them happy. I usually turned down inconsequential things and now see I robbed them of the feeling I was getting. So if someone gave me their jello, pudding, a magaizine I would have no interest in, I took them and could see it made them happy like it does me doing the same. Have the security person here checking over the alarm system and all the dinging is driving me crazy. Took 2 hours of beeping and endless tests. Now I just have to set up billing. Batteries are all replaced so hopefully no more beeps for a long time. He did change my panic button to silent as it would have set off the blaring alarm. Glad he found that. That brings a call from them of what my need is. Now I don’t have to worry about a fire too. I got my Medicare stuff in the mail today. Talk about depressing. I checked with my insurance and if Medicare says OK, I can keep them as my secondary. I think that means I don’t have to accept part B. That will be a call for another day. Between the alarm company and booking a mobile vet for Wednesday, I need my sanity drive and shower. Ally left me debris from the deck all over the living room and hallway I just vacuumed in horrid pain. I messaged Marty earlier about a new user soliciing interviews privately. He has posted nothing I can find. I consider this intrusive and taking advantage of the group. Did anyone else get private mail from a JWalkerBack? My concern is for the new people in the early stages that don’t need that kind of intrusion right now. It’s a survey type thing, not support.

Another weekend gone with lots of time to feel the loneliness. I was right I was going to pay for all the stress of last week. Much too many physical challenges making doing even more simple things harder. Always on edge about Ally. Need a mobile vet out to tend to her paw and an acquaintance said I should get a blood test for her to see if there is anything else wrong beyond her hips and kidneys. Not necessarily for any extreme treatment, but to be educated in case an emergency arises so I don’t wait too long and possibly have her end up in pain.to make the worst call ever. I can hardly type it. 😢 I was reading an article in Time about how masks are affecting how we interact with people as smiles are something that signals so many things. I had already been feeling that for a long time. It’s beyond not knowing what people look like, it’s what we say without words. Wether we are genuinely happy, being polite or being snide. It’s bad enough we have lost touching, now this. I hope the link works. https://time.com/5840192/mask-smiling-coronavirus/ today a new alarm monitoring company comes by to make sure everything works. I know it does. I never arm it anymore so am going to ask if the fire and medical emergency works without them. Seems that should work as a safety requirement in the equipment. It needs a new back up battery but I don’t know if they do that, tho they sell systems. I don’t know why I’m bothering. If the fire and medical work manually, I’ll tell them I don’t need them. I have the medic alert button I can push for help too. It’s getting so hard to even write about the days that repeat and now feel worse. I got my list done today but it was almost too much effort. I’m still reeling from all I heard last week about my maladies, yet no solutions or even diagnosis for some test I have been searching for for months. Finding out I am very high risk for surgery, even if I don’t want it. That is another message triggering missing Steve. They’d find a way to do it, I’d want to to be with him and functional, no rehab stint or stranger here. Yesterday was the first time at the grocery store I felt no interest in anything I needed. I even left a few things behind as no matter what a good deal they were, that part of me felt dead. Plus the pain was too intense. I stopped by the church I donate to as they feed anyone without question. Lots of people from 2 tent cities and homeless. They gave me a meal as always and I felt I actually belonged. Not to invalidate the people without adequate shelter, but I feel homeless too. In the crowd there I belonged. I feel awful saying that as I have a house to come to, but it isn’t a home. Now I feel the guilt I tell others not to feel in their emotions. Am I that terrible to even compare myself to these unfortunate people? (Rhetorical) I lost the love of my life and family. Who knows what these people have lost and why. I felt terrible they gave me food. I took a bag of essentials but gave them back the toothbrushes right away. I wanted to return the whole thing after the store but they were gone. Someone could have used it that didn’t have money for toothpaste and sanitizer. Why did I take it? I don’t know what to think about myself right now.

I wouldn’t have been able to get up. I’m not the tantrum type, but I can be very sarcastic. But years of experience taught me the old saying of attracting more flies with honey works much better. Sometimes it’s a challenge. So, shop at Costco much, Karen? 😁

I’m going to have to Google this as the things some people do are often stranger than fiction.

My post was really rhetorical about the massive changes life has taken. But you are right, Ana. It is horrible and when all you havcleft are outsiders, it’s nightmarishly horrible. Thank gawd for this place.

I don’t know about you guys, but this onslaught by the news is becoming such a catalyst of fear and anxiety. I limit my news info but it’s impossible to get away from just stepping out the door. Even watching people walking by. How everyone veers around each other. The arborist made sure to tell me the pen and iPad I had to sign was sterilized. Taco Bell hands you your change and order in tubs. The grocery stores announce on the hour for checkers to sanitize their station and self checks. The tape marks on floors everywhere. Being told to step back if you are a little too close. Not seeing what anyone looks like. I wouldn’t know that arborist if I saw him on the street uncovered. I associate names with faces. Now I have notes and business cards for that. Atvthe doctor yesterday they sanitized my insurance card before handing it back. I’m tired if the smell of alcohol. Watching late night shows with so little humor anymore. It’s about celebs surviving being stuck at home and unfunny jokes about the virus. Endless pitches for endless charities. I don’t mean to sound heartless as I donate to many of our chosen ones for years. Add in the protests and you can see outlets for the frustration beyond what they are bringing light to. Not a day goes by that makes sense to me anymore. I thought it couldn’t get worse without Steve. It has.

I can only echo what Kay and Kieron said about guilt. My husband was told to have his prostate checked earlier and didn’t. It might have saved him. I didn’t know he was told that, but had I known all I could have done is ask he do it. The choice was his. We had no way to know that small test would have drastically changed everything. Partnerships are just that. Not one person having more power over the other. The last thing I would tolerate is anyone judging my love and care of him. They have no right unless it was out and out abuse. We can only be 'our brothers keeper' to small children who have no life knowledge/experience. I’m glad to see again that the grief stages were written for the dying, not the survivors. Tho they apply and consist of more, like fear and anxiety. Even after 5 years I experience some of them deeply. I’ve become so accustomed to them I extend them to crisis in the now as well. I react differently on my own than without his strength to help. You don't realize how much the weight of life you shared. I won’t say took for granted as none of did. That cheapens it. It just......was. I’m so sorry your wife’s family is treating you so unfairly. I hope you can insulate yourself from them as your own pain that is so new and raw is much more than enough to have to experience.

I meant in my post (what you quoted) that I’m experiencing being alone for the first time in my life. That my mind is very messed up with this new identity. In almost 59 years, there was always someone I loved and loved me back. From parents to friends to roommates to lovers to finally Steve. There was always someone I could count on. I’m so sorry, Kay, that you have experienced this terrible feeling much of your life. I miss my parents so very much. My best friends of which I had 3 my whole life not counting Steve. Not being a parent, i don’t know how it feels when they leave. I don’t think I’d like it, tho it is the natural order.