Gwenivere

I don’t write to Steve, but I do talk to him. Not the screaming pain and anger that was so hard for the first 3 years, tho that happens when a crisis comes up I feel unequipted to handle. But I do talk to him in short spurts. Things pop into my head I would tease him about or something on the news he should know, whatever. Sometimes I hear his voice in my head and reply to it. Anyone hearing would think I was nuts. Not something I care about. It’s hard enough doing this, much less caring what people think, alone.

As I suspected, I guess I did too much yesterday and again today in the heat. It didn’t seem like much old standards. Just dropped off some goodies for a resident I know where I volunteer, picked up some printer paper and some liquid vitamin D. Took a shower and noticed I feel suffocated whenever I do anything and my heart rate is staying in the high 90’s. It’s scary, tho the web said that can be normal for several reasons. Still doesn’t reduce the worry. Have a visit with my doc tomorrow. I just feel I’m falling apart with so many ailments of which none have been solved. How dies one prioritize one when some can overlap because making more than one change complicates what is working or not? Rhetorical. My back and thyroid are the biggies and require different treatment. Unless the vein scan revealed something. Guess I’ll find out. It was a depressing day as always and has a long way to go. I look down the road and see aside from getting my AC set up and the brief Sunday woman chat I have nothing but counseling. I know it’s not just me. Many people are cut off in this frigging pandemic. But I do know it’s harder alone. Saw Kevin Bacon on Fallon last night and he even said he feels for people doing this alone. All my neighbors have people with them. Kills me hearing them laugh or BBQ. My delight tonight is a single serve MW pizza. The heat has killed my appetite so it’s purely fuel. But the kids will be excited about their canned chicken. I know this is all redundant, but so are the days. I don’t know how each of you feel waking up, but each day feels harder. Knowing it’s going to continue this unknown length of so much closed down. Hearing how many more cases and deaths there are. Living in a world that looks like a surgery suite. The smell of sanitizer more common than anything. Nothing is 'right' at home or out there. Muscles are breaking Don from lack of exercise. So frustrating thinking of things that I used to do and wish I could get done now. Going from my kitchen to my garage freezer is as intense as walking a huge Costco and parking miles away. Even tho my bed isn’t all that comfortable most of the time, it’s my favorite place to be. It’s like another layer of protection from this crazy world. Ally doesn’t leave anymore like she used to. I think she is as sick of being limited and not living like we did, on the go. I know she preferred being brushed at the groomers as they were a social outlet. She’s such an extrovert like me wecare both withering inside. ah, 3 hours to go til another day begins with no answers of a light in the tunnel. I’ll wake up with so much to want to talk to Steve about as always. See what he had to deal with with these ramblings? I miss his too.

I’m having a hard time sorting out how I feel on the changes being made concerning a time in history we find repugnant now, as we should, but did happen. I don’t see erasure as the answer. I’m OK with getting rid of the flags and statues. But wanting to change movies like Gone With The Wind is nuts. I was rereading your post, Kay. Agree on your take. Now that racism is forefront, we need to keep going that direction. The AC I have is helpful. Only so much a portable can do. It does help. You’re stuck in one room tho. Have to keep emptying a water reservoir and if I don’t while I have the TV on, it will trip my DVR and restart it. That’s OK as long as it’s not recording. Have to pin up the sheet blocking the kitchen before bed. I shouldn’t gripe, but I’m old now and I’ve earned it. My younger dog threw up last night close to bedtime. She inhales food and eats gawd knows what in the yard, she had been out for last potty break. What I’m trying to understand is WHY in a house with drool towels, dog mats and area rugs they STILL do that on the carpet. Had to drag out the shop vac at 3:30am. Had a bad back day as it was so that added to it. I’ve only had this ongoing poblem with Goldens. Their so noble when not acting goofy. Off to lunch and figuring out how to kill another day. It always starts so badly by waking up. Have to. call the hospital billing as a claim is being reprocessed. Fun fun. Hoping to get a shower in. Well, barely an hour in, 15 to go.

I don’t listen to the radio. I only use it for alarms twice a day. I’m trying to figure out how the station I have tuned in manages to play the same song when they go off every single day. I keep waiting for it to drop on the country charts so I quit having that Groundhog Day thing on the Sonny and Cher song. I had a lot to vent, but it’s late and I praying to the karma gods that I’m not in excruciating pain in the morning. I did a lot physically and talked myself out of more in the evening to see if I could stand lonely down time. I’m still wanting to do something, but I’d never make it to bed in time. Supposed to be hot for here for the next 2 days. That’s going to be miserable. High 80’s and humid. I talked my-cousin in NM where it’s in the 90’s, but dry. Still too hot, but not suffocating. She was cooking tacos! I wouldn’t turn on any heat generating device here. It would be BBQ nights for sure. The stores are selling out of charcoal. Gas is great, but the old fashioned always smells so good. My neighbors often gril and it’s torture while I’m microwaving dinner. I did eat off a real plate for the first time in a week tho. That’s a step up!

What concerns me is I am getting too messed up by the isolation and personal physical limits I don’t have any drive to do much or care. I finally called the yard people to come out when they can to make this place look like I care and stop the debris being drug in by the dogs. Now I have to bargain with my back to brush them for the extreme shedding as temps go up. Yup, give me late nights where I can sit in the pain and not have to deal it’s the world I feel cast out of. I can’t even get my back fixed without more problems down the line and no one to take care of my elder dog. Tho I’m too afraid of surgery and the recovery. I’m trying to figure out how one lives feeling trapped day after day. Every time I go out I’m afraid my legs will give out. Just brushed the kids and it was such an effort. Ally hates standing, my back aches and Melody is ful of glee making her hard to get a hold of. This was once such a simple, enjoyable task. I made the mistake of going on Amazon to look at masks now that it mandated here in public. Realized I have a seat full in my car. The blue paper ones. Hope they are reusable because that is what I do. I’m all for protecting other people, but it seems all I buy are medical stuff. Their ad on TV is delivering smiles. I’m still waiting on one. Have a counseling session and want to buy some wine from the drug store that is closing which is another significant death in my world. They had everything I needed and now have to scout out other sources. There’s alway Walgreens but I use them strictly for RX's usually. Is it just me, or is time all out of sync for others? I woke up this morning thinking it was pre dinner naptime, tho I had been up a couple times to let the kids out and get some tums. I’m getting these pin prick pains all over my skull which is absolutely annoying. I had rummaged thru cracker stock last night which meant bending over and I pay for anything I do. Always watching Ally for sugns of distress and that she can walk. Marg had belittled that 'golden years' crap for what it is. This isn’t golden. This is rust. At least forvsome of us. I see people older than me doing so much more. Then I get angry which serves no purpose except forcing me into radical acceptance. Making me wonder how long I can take care of my home and self. Ever be of any use to anyone. Vent over, now to vent to my counselor. I get to pay for hat one. I used to feel bad, but I do need the contact and no fake 'I’m OK' face.

Being another that gets up at noon (by choice), Ive thought of changing that several times but there is a problem with that. I have nothing to do most days now. It would make getting doc appointments or tests easier, but I don’t want to live my life for that. When it gets to be around 6, everyone else is home too and I didn’t have to kill all that time. Having lived this way for decades, I/we filled the nights easily. Now I experience the loneliness without the pressure of dealing with the outside world. It’s hard to see the world going on, even with the pandemic, as people find ways to fill the time with someone. I only have 3 people I would see in person, not counting docs or counselors. One a resident at the nursing home so completely out. Another won’t do physical contact and the third is coming over Saturday to set up my AC. I’m not used to people anymore. Mostly because I have nothing to say so listen to all their activities. Salt in the wound, tho that is not their intention at all.

Not that I ever feel happy, but last night I got a very brief respite. BBCA ran Top Gun and Footloose. I love action pics. A little more romance than I care for but it was made as a chick action flick. Footloose is such a classic. I had seen the remake and you just can’t do that to a film like this. Kevin Bacon, Tom Cruise and Michael J Fox, all so young. So a big 80’s fix. That was my fav decade for music. Back to the Future was in that time too. Now I have to go back to reality. That I’m not in my 20’s/30’s and I am alone and widowed. Couldn’t dance if I wanted to. Hobble to refill my water. Go to sleep and start all over again. I’ve matured in my viewing tastes, but that time wa ps magical to me. All was right in the world. Mind, body, soul and love with the most wonderful man I ever knew. To quote another movie.....all Gone With The Wind.

A dangerous one, just like in Tulsa. Can’t say more than than that without this becoming political which is a no no. I just hope none of those people get this nor their families so they end up in grief when they had a choice and we didn’t.

JimJim, people have actually said to you to start a new life? It just makes me shake my head at the insensitivity of people. Number one, we already have because of the loss. Number two, what does that even mean to them? Like....well, so and so is gone so I’ll just regroup and and start over, no harm done. Darn, I wish they would have packed up all this stuff they left laying around. What a mess and what am I going to do with it? Throw it out? Can’t call them to come get it. Unbelievable someone could say such a thing as you pointed out, nothing changed for them. So easy to say looking in, not living it. I have to hire or rely on outsiders for help doing things now. I’m glad they are there, but just setting up our AC? It’s no big deal with 2 of us. Impossible for me. I live with decades of what you pointed out. The day to day knowing they were there, consciously or not. To be able to yell down the hall dinner was ready or there was a heavy package to bring in. Such little things til they are not. Buying stuff you knew they could install or as a surpise we have to pass on now. Decide on priorities for projects. Completing those projects and feeling good it was a team effort even if just writing a check to someone. Yeah, start a new life. Feh. My new life is depression. It’s a blast. Not.

When I got the mail today there were about 30 EOB's from my insurance. I had been getting 5 or more several times. This was overwhelming. Seems the system caught up on my hospital and rehab stay, but in bits and pieces. It’s not all there. I spent over 3 hours opening, sorting and finally calling my insurance for the 5 that had payments due. 2 needed pre auths and I have no power to do that. The rep also found a couple with codes she didn’t recognized. It was a huge project but I think I have it back in their and doctors hands. I probably won’t be that lucky. It was getting close to 5pm and I needed an escape so went to Target for some much needed shorts. Expecting a heatwave this week and more later. Messaged my down south music buddy to implore his help getting my portable AC set up which is pretty easy, just takes strength I don’t have anymore. Don’t want to chance standing on a chair to hang a sheet between the living room and kitchen either. I told him no hurry tho, it’s a long trek up here. I get so depressed when I see what my life has become. I always did the insurance stuff, but it wasn’t a full time job. When I was in Target, it was quickly from being in pain. I used to go there to buy lipstick, Coke’s for Steve, work out pants, nightgowns, candy....fun stuff. Always get my glasses there. Enjoyed looking around at new stuff. Buy a pair of shoes just because it was fun, not needed. Now it takes everything I have to buy essentials. No interest in browsing. I’ve heard about people wanting to look good themselves. I’m not one anymore. Who can see lipstick behind a mask? What’s fun about a sexy nightgown? I need sensible shoes now because I’m swollen. My lounge/workout clothes will last forever since I basically sit most of the time. I keep my hair pinned up day and night because 'he' isn’t here to like the effort. Even if he were here, I couldn’t cuddle with Steve anymore. When did Aspercreme become essential? Throwing out hair streaking kits? All my eye makeup dry up? Not cleaning up everything all the time or even needing to. Sorrow every time I use the washer or dishwasher? Where’s Steve’s stuff? Where are the packages of his toys? Where are the surprise gifts of stuff that caught my eye but didn’t buy for myself? Went by the dog park on my way home. Years of memories seeing all the people and dogs hanging out. Bigger question,....why did I do that? Just wanted to see if anything from my past still existed. It does, just without me and my lost kids and Ally can’t do. Time fir her 3rd pain pill. My former running maniac. We both struggle on the 6 steps into the house. Now we go to bed and moan about getting up. I know she’s depressed too. Head is pounding from all the crap today. When did I stop really enjoying my glass of wine? Oh yeah, when I lost Stevie having his.

Masks only work one way, to protect others from you unless you have the super duper ones that have a filter in it. You are not protected from others with a regular mask. Both people have to be wearing one. That is why I get angry at people in stores that don’t wear one. Yes, they are suffocating but much needed. I haven’t heard stat numbers, Karen, even for the country as a whole so that confuses me too. My state is considerably lower, maybe 100 a day max? I do pay attention to my state daily. I want to keep up with if things are getting worse, leveled or improving. They’ve been experimenting with phase 2 which allowed restaurants and salons to open. Numbers went up as many thought it was safer and got lax. Personally, I wouldn’t go out to eat til this bug is gone. They’re not perfect, but they do make a difference. Many have it backward thinking they are protected by them. I’m sure that’s why cyclists and walkers are doing a lot of that, besides cabin fever, cause you don’t need them then. Just wide berth if passing others.

Steve was 'dad' around here too. When I ran into problems, he’d say 'let BSD (big strong dad) take care of that'. Like your partner, Kieron, his ear was always open as well as his heart to people. All our furry kids would go look for dad if I asked where he was. Jump around when I said dad is home. Sometimes would have to get him off his cell as he was driving them crazy sitting out there in the car. His nephews adored him and little kids did too. There’s a lot more than biology to being a dad. I miss mine today. I can still hear the NY accent in his voice he never lost. He wouldn’t let me come down to NM when he was dying and I now see the gift he gave me as he absolutely did not want any pictures in my head of his last state. We talked as long as we could by phone. He took on a ready made family with me and my sister, tho she never accepted him having known our biological dad into her teens. I get it now, but as I kid I didn’t understand why she was so cold to him. You can’t replace your father. He was my dad tho. Miss you dad!

I knew today was going to be hard for you, Kay. George’s leaving hit you on 2 dates and that’s so very unfair. Now the loss of Joe and the mental and physical pain. What happened to that world? We got kicked out by the formidable foe. One with no mercy. I have no clue why all these horrible things are happening at once. After another day of masks and floor distance markers, we can’t even come home to a hug and kiss. Nope. We get to sit here and watch it from afar too, alone. my brain is getting so twisted with this virus, it sometimes seems odd to me people in shows aren’t wearing them. Heck, I don’t even know what the people I am around out there look like anymore, no one does. It’s way too strange.

Woke up another day and wish I hadn’t. This is becoming a very bad cycle. I wake up and just want to cry as I know what the day mean, any day. I’ve detailed it enough times. Got tasks to do, but time killers and escape from this house. Worsening pain. Was at Urgent Care yesterday and blood tests showed no infection. Was out of range on all but 2 things but doc just said don’t take antibiotics he called in just in case. I’m no better off. Docs and counselors keep asking if I’m suicidal and I say no, I just don’t want to keep waking up. I like that ither world wether blank or dreams. Maybe that is what death is like. Freedom. I’m not stuck in this run down body. I feel good emotions at times. I sometimes see Steve and our lost furry kids. Who wouldn’t want to stay there? Awake is chaos, covid, pain, problems, docs, money issues, feeling awful, protests, riots and foremost- alone. Fixes for them all are horrid. Some can’t be fixed because the body is just plain old or so intense. Time for a Zoom call with my contact. Put on the world face for a bit. Takes a lot of energy.

It’s really hard to know what her brothers motives are. For one, you don’t know if this is true. You had a feeling something may have been off, but she did do as you requested. Let’s say it was true and you never knew. Now that she is gone, what comes of bringing that possibility up? You’ve just lost the love of your life. Why add even more pain on top of that which has shredded your heart with grief? I can only speak for myself, but this would be a person I would have to cut out if my life as much as possible for bringing up such a thing now when she is not here to speak for herself. If he was so convinced you know this 'truth', why didn’t he bring it up sooner? I agree with Kay. Thus us no friend nor a source of support. I hope you can find a way to banish thoughts you can do nothing about and deal with those you have to because of a life altering one. That would be like someone bringing up to me something Steve did in his past that has no bearing on the man I knew. Unless it were a crime that harmed someone and closure was needed for a victim, I would not want to know. I want to remember the man I knew and love to this day.

I didn’t realize Joe was a chow. They are notoriously aggressive dogs and a neighbors attacked my dog and me once. They kept it chained in the front yard which accentuates aggressive behavior. Took forever to get reimbursed for vet bills and I did call the city. I would have preferred to work it out with my neighbor but he strolled down to get his dog while I was screaming on the street trying to restrain his chow from killing my dog. Hands torn up from holding the broken chain. Guy never said a word. I was shouting at him and his daughter came over to make the monetary arrangements. I did some reading up on them and they are bred as protectors, but not as a pack member. I would never want a child around one. I very much hope you heal fast. We so need our hands. What did your neighbor say about this incident? I, like you, would be very concerned about her children. These are not social dogs and always challenging others. Very independent and even early socialization makes them hard to predict. Hope George gets his pie!

Karen, did you go to the caverns in Carlsbad? I went as a kid and was in awe. Kieron, I miss sunshine soooooo much here in Seattle for 9 months of the year. I do love the green and flowers, but the desert has its own beauty that I guess someone that grew up there would really understand. The nirthern part of the state is pretty green. One thing I do miss is the lack of humidity. Hot and cold felt so much different in a dry climate. 80 degrees here is smothering but very comfortable there. The parks are like parks here, lush and green. It’s not THAT barren down there. There is a huge lake called Elephant Butte. Til I knew that, as a kid, I didn’t understand why some people had boats. It’s much more developed than hen I lived there now. I’m not sure I would want to go back because of simpler memories. Last time I was down there was in the 90’s and except for the glorious sunshine In January, I don’t know how I’d adjust to the 'big city' changes. I’m too old to move anyway and everyone I knew is gone except one close friend from long ago. Another wild Oman hitting the bars and dancing nights away to country rock. 🙂

Being someone who grew up in New Mexico, I’m learning stuff I never knew! For living and work my stomping grounds were Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Taos, Los Alamos and Las Cruces. Made one trek to Roswell. Lots of people travelled by Route 66 before the interstates kicked in. That became Central Avenue, the cruising street at night for us youngin's. My dad took us all over to ruins and off the road places to explore. Found little lakes and fields exploring with college friends. I don’t know if it’s still the record, but the tram from ABQ to the summit of the Rockies was the country’s longest. Took it several times as there was a restaurant at the top and the view of the city was awesome. My uncle had a ranch that was a kids dream. He had salt licks out that brought deer during the day and at night you could hear mountain lions on the decks and roofs plodding around. You’re right, Marg.......memories.

Dont like hunting either. Seen too many deer close up and how beautiful they are. Their displacement when wandering into yards is of our doing. We’ve even had bears come into the city. In Seattle we keep cutting back land they live in. Unfortunately sometimes they pay the price. I applaud when they sedate and-move them back deeper into their environment.

Excellent question. Wish I knew why myself. Apparently all these specialists and regular docs can't figure out why my calves and feet are so messed up. The scans show no vein problem. I’ve been feeling ill lately, not covid ill. This is very bad with the back pain thrown in. Not sleeping well either. Getting tremors and clumsy. I’m afraid so that ramps everything up too. I knew when I mentioned to my doc that another floated that idea he’d jump on it. Pre pandemic this would be the ER as I am fed up waiting and getting worse by the day. What is frustrating is maybe a dermatologist would know but I’m so burnt out. I’m afraid to walk today after my leg going numb yesterday. I want to go get a Chinese take out for tonight but worried about my leg. Supposed to be a shower night too. I’m just sitting here paralyzed mentally about what to do.

My heart goes out to you today, Kay. We all know the sting of an anniversary that contradicts the definition we used to have of the word. George and Arlie weren’t dreams. They were dreams come true when we had them. 💖

I hope I didn’t offend you, Marg. I don’t get fishing just like I don’t get golf Seattle has so much land set aside for that when we could use more parks for everyone. But business is business and obviously people enjoy it. I like target and skeet shooting but that is seriously restricted here unlike in New Mexico where you just had to drive out into the desert and there was a lot of that! Do you have shrimp boats down there? Love that stuff. We have crab potters here. Yummy stuff.

I’ve been being computer challenged lately. I hit an innocent link in the news and it locked up my computer and had a phone number to call from Microsoft. I knew it was a scam to sell me a fix. Fortunately Steve and my BIL taught me to try a few things and one worked. Just had a power hit and it screwed up my DVR so I reset it again myself. Also messed up my alarm system so it was beeping constantly. I just don’t need this crap on top of bad days like today was. the plumber showed up too early to refix a problem. Normally I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting on them in the given window of time. Told him I needed an hour to dress and tend to the dogs. Went to the pain clinic and left depressed as I don’t think they can do anything for me. The doc there didn’t have options I feel I can handle. He confirmed what I read about the back surgery does lead to more surgeries down the line. Something the surgeon omitted. In my errand running after, found out the drug store I use to buy wine, deals on aspercreme and has a licensing outlet is closing. Hit the dollar store and my leg went numb so scary trying to walk to the car. My car oxygen ran out so had to change the tank. All my pill boxes needed filling and I kept screwing up as I was so frazzled. Got an email from my doc referring me to a dermatologist for my legs that is out of network and the one that is is in the hospital Steve spent so much time in for surgeries and complications. Makes me sweat to even think about going there. Marg, you talked about angels. I’d like to know where they are. I know this was probably all coincidence (except the doc), but I sure felt targeted. I’m just trying to lay low and survive another day in this existence and I just want to scream.. I’m getting to where I don’t want to be around people, yet I crave contact. It makes no sense. Maybe that’s the problem. Nothing makes much sense anymore. I keep seeing ads on TV for marathon show binging and I can’t imagine sitting staring at the TV all day. It’s enough at night. The stuff I bought at the dollar store I didn’t even need. Like I’m trying to fill a void. I keep saying I’m not going to buy anything and I keep buying too much food. I’m depleting my finances when I know I don’t need more. I’m acting like Steve is here. When life was normal I always needed to keep stocked. It was one of my jobs I really enjoyed. I could also walk back then. So I’m limping around buying extraneous stuff for no reason. It doesn’t fill the void, I've proven that so many times. I get ridiculously giddy when I actually need something. I’m like some twisted hoarder. I get gas every week even if it’s only a few gallons because I always did. I don’t know how to change the routines I lived with Steve. It’s a good thing I’m not drawn to alcohol. I see why people pass days in fake feel good. I need an angel.

I know we have to get much of our food from animals unless we are vegans, but I’m such an animal rights activist that I don’t understand Catch and release for sport. It has to hurt the fish. Why would someone want to do that? I don’t mean to offend as I do eat fish. All the people I knew that fished did it for eating. They only threw back ones that were too little.

At 61 there should have been treatment. I was referring to when prostate cancer is discovered in the late 70’s or 80’s she IS found to be slow growing. Radical cancer like Steve’s and your dad’s isn’t the same thing. I don’t even want to go back to what I saw that last week. It will haunt me forever.